this blog still gets a surprising amount of traffic. you might notice i never post on here anymore, and that’s because i’m doing great. i used this tumblr to express my feelings at the loneliest and lowest times in my life and it served its purpose, but its time is over. i hope this message can find some purpose for you.
they say “it gets better” and it sounds like a load of shit. i thought so, back when i was in that really dark place. i have half a dozen posts where i blatantly say so.
it’s odd how my entire mental deterioration and multiple near-death experiences are just documented and preserved for you all to see. i don’t relate to most of those things now and it’s horrifying to see them and to know that i felt that way. yet i’m keeping it all up, and maybe in this sad internet neo-archeology we can unpack the story of while things can be so so terrible, they also do get better. i am proof.
i don’t even think of that time as the same version of myself. i feel like i was reborn, or maybe i came alive for the first time, and had to learn everything anew. i felt like i had to meet a lot of people for the first time again and i was able to realize how many people cared about me. (meeting your friends again means being able to relearn all the things you love about them, which is a plus.) i had to learn what i loved to do, and boy do i love to do things. i’m doing my hobbies again. i love having hobbies! i love feeling accomplished after a day of writing my book or running or taking photos or being with people that i love. there is no greater joy than going to sleep with a smile on my face.
i’m afraid of dying again. i’m making plans for my future again. i’m looking forward to growing old and wrinkly and wise and having so many fond memories to reflect on. at the same time, i am so happy to be alive right now as myself at this age and to be able to make those memories. for the first time in a very long time- maybe even the first time ever- i am living and not just surviving. i am alive and it is all so beautiful. the joy of simply living for all of these sunny days is almost worth the years of isolation and struggle. almost.
i’m sure that i might be over-romanticizing this all a little bit. what is fresh and new and lovey to me might just be what regular, average life is like. but if that’s the case, i can’t be over-romanticizing after all because i think that human life is the most lovely thing that could ever be. no amount of romanticization could ever do it justice.
everything isn’t rainbows and sunshine, though. there are bad days. there are bad weeks. i just got through having a miserable week. but they are so rare and they pass. days can be bad, but life overall is not. life is beautiful with all of its ups and downs and lefts and rights. i don’t think i could stand a life without bad days. the path winds in a million different ways but it still goes towards the same ending. when that ending comes, many decades from now, at least i can say that i know what it’s like to be alive.
and so should you. each day i spent alone and turning to this godforsaken website for help i was still being here and that was enough. being here and talking about how i was doing was enough. every action is it’s own small step towards where you will be in life, and i promise you that life is the most rewarding thing about living. i know that it’s hard to keep pressing on but just wanting to be here is enough. please talk to your friends or a counselor or anyone. one day your tumblr will be inactive and barren and you will smell the flowers and smile. and if you’re reading this, i love you.
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