ida writes 🖋️

is what you are

sometimes it comes

often times it fades

and when it does

i remember the hurt you did inflict

you gave me a false sense of protection

and a false sense of idea

that we were friends

but none of what you call me

in front of them

were of that

chaos comes and goes

but it forever stays with you

in any off chance it decides to rest

you become the huntsman

hunting for his next kill

broke off a decade long friendship

because you badly wanted her

hurt someone else too

but what do you care?

you were the main character

everyone's lives revolved around you

everyone wanted to be you

maybe when you were 18,

but not now, my sweet

spoke of your heydays

to keep me in my place,

below you, and never above -

just the way you express your love

what lies have you told me and her?

you must've thought

we were pawns in your game

only you forgot,

you might've been the king,

but i was, in fact, the player

for the warmth of my only soul

i could call you horrid names

but in-spite of it all

we are not the same

i have believed

i am flawed

truly.

see?

how

easy,

honestly -

humility.

i recommend it.

so, suffice it to say

arrogance serve no purpose

in fact, it's nothing but a curse

but if you must, then you've sadly lost

i pleaded desperately to be seen

discarded, used and dismissed

loneliness had made me its victim

i found attention from the wrong people

only because they said i was pretty

lost my virginity to a sex addict

he then corrected me on my ethnicity

thought it was love in the distance

but it was a hoax to keep me compliant

my anxieties drowned me in the ocean

suffocated and deluded, i pretended i was normal

i walked out scathed but dumb

you had me convinced i was one

perpetually stupid because i couldn't remember

sure, you tell yourself whatever your heart desires

you passed all your scars onto me

as if it was an honour to carry yours too

found the courage to turn my back on you

then you told everyone i became ungodly

if i were so stupid

and ungodly

and useless,

then you were attentive,

loving

and formidably pure

i wish to:

pick at it

prod at it

dissect it

dismember it

examine it

evaluate it

remember it

relive it

embody it

entranced by it

entranced by you

i am forever fascinated by you

i shall build a temple as an homage to your talented mind

and monuments heaved in accordance to your marvellous ingenuity

i shall dedicate them all to you

and then i'll name them after me

i do not want

the remnants of what was,

i've burnt to the ground

i colour outside the lines

just to spite you and your sins

being invisible,

was your shiny badge of honour

and my hyper independence,

was the result of your ineffable negligence

you're the one i truly despise

and never wished for

the evidence of you on my skin

makes me unbearably sick

so the evidence of you in my mind

shall not exist eternally

so i will burn the invisible letters

you have given me

free myself of your own sins

and erase you from the prisons of my mind

i say in all earnest,

i never cared for you

or your despicable truth.

you destroyed me with your own curse

and then feigned ignorance

like the bastard you always were

Oh wow! First off, thank you for taking the time to read my poems. I truly appreciate it!

so please forgive me

if i rejected you

i didn't mean to hurt you indecently

i refused help even from strangers,

because refusing help, was my only familiar

i'm sorry, you were not any special -

as i abhorred your sincere kindness

i always teetered in between eggshells

what to say next, and how to act

forgive me if i used an ableist term,

but in my inability to socialise, i did question if i had autism

i'm used to being gravely independent

independence after all, was key

at least that was what my mother told me

and mothers, know best

but what she didn't know was this:

i only had myself to depend on

refusing all help was my trauma response

suffice it to say,

i was blinded by my own naiveté

so i'm sorry again

for pushing your kind heart away

i did not hate you -

i hated myself,

for having to depend on someone else

what do you do?

do you unravel yourself from within?

or do you stop the implosion from occurring?

when my mind becomes foreign,

could a seamless thought be conjured

as i warrant?

or will i be the victim of my own torture?

if at once your face becomes foreign,

will your lingering presence exist in my head?

or will the yearning be lost,

once again?

and if my own hands become foreign,

do not let them stop from caressing you

i want to remember a love that's forever true

and its passion that's ever so fervent

so before the moments of my death

and in my dying breath,

i plead to you, oh God or any form of diety

allow me to recollect,

my beloved,

who was once my whole heart,

the only treasure i'll never part,

and the soul that once called me her home

-ida

____________

it's all i ever wanted, nothing more

but first,

you had to call me a fucking whore

it absolved you of all your sins

that you couldn't endure

your belief is as twisted as you

wicked and cunning,

all in the name of your dying truth

misery for sure loves company -

you've made love to her

fervently and aplenty

what a pity

being your own worst enemy

blinded by hate, you hated me viciously

i was the catalyst,

and the perversion of your accountability

no one else but me,

can be the villain in your story

tell me first,

how badly were you hurt?

or was that a ruse to gain all their sympathy?

you painted,

destroyed,

burnt,

then painted me again

for the whole world to see,

what a great artist you could be

hurting me was your choice

how toxic do you have to be?

to say it was my fault?

it didn't make sense,

not in my head,

and not for anyone else

but to you it did,

so you pushed your own narrative,

as best as you can

all i can to say is,

good luck my dearest

you need God, i say in earnest

because i will never be as malicious as you

being wholly me, has always been my truth

thank God the space you left has been filled

by none other than the one He willed

i've left my old self at the door

a precipice of war

i chose to endure

i thanked God you walked out our door

your absence gave space

for happiness to fill our hearts once more