i clung to you

Logged back into here for a first time in a while. I barely think about those people I used to write about anymore. If you’re going through something right now, I promise that it will barely matter to you in a couple of years. 

Everything is too much, it’s hard dealing with post-traumatic stress, university work, moving back to the city that caused my PTSD and managing a relationship/friendships. I can’t cope. 

I don’t want to fuck this up 

Imagine being 19 and having to take sleeping pills 

After seeing him today it feels like I've stopped breathing again

It’s that type of weather again during the day that you used to feel at night during the Summer.  Every time I step out into the cold air I’m reminded of our shivering bodies that night, bare and pressed up against each other.  You saying “Sorry” but not understanding what you were actually apologizing for, I could make a guess that you still have no idea what you did wrong that night and the days that followed. Even though I quit thinking about you a long time ago, I still can’t stop you from appearing in my head every so often, You re-break my heart every time.

The thing is I started to write poetry about you leaving before you even told me it was time for you to go.

Since he left, He gave me hundreds of reasons for me not to trust him anymore, But as soon as he was stood in front of me again, My walls that I built up so high completely crumbled and I found myself apologising over and over again saying the word sorry, When I wasn’t the one who needed to be apologising. And that is what happens when you’re stood in front of the person you once fell in love with, Your walls break down and you do irrational things that you wouldn’t dream of doing if he wasn’t stood staring at you, His face holding the same expression that he had when he told you he loved you, I had what I was going to say carefully planned, Fully scripted for when I was next going to see him, But I guess nothing ever goes as planned between me and him. We went off script.

At 2am when I finally made it home, The night you broke up with me, The first thing my mother said was, “Please don’t hurt yourself this time.” But I’ve learned a lot over the past year, Physically hurting yourself just leaves scars, And why hurt yourself and have scars when you can just think about him and feel the exact same pain?

He made us end so quietly that I didn’t get given the chance to fight for what I wanted and show him how much this would destroy me. And when he made things fizzle out by ignoring my calls and playing busy when I wanted to see him, there was nothing I could do about it. He left nothing for me to be angry about. It came out of nowhere and knocked me off my feet, and when people ask why we’re not together, I don’t know what to say because oh god I thought we were so in love. I’ve played our moments  together over and over again in my head and I’ve read through the text messages and looked through our pictures and nothing seems to add up. When things end quietly, there is nothing that you can do, except try to forget.

My drafts are such a horrible place and full of things I can’t even begin to share with people I don’t even know. I’m so sad. This is why I haven’t posted in a while.