“think he’ll be okay?” you ask makki. the two of you seated on the couch with some show playing in the background. but your conjoined attention was on him, even though you tried your best not to make it obvious.

“he always pulls through.” he nods. but you can tell in his eyes he’s just as worried. usually makki could crack a joke or two and bring a smile back out on his face, but when he tried today, he was met with a blank stare. “maybe you’ll have better luck breaking through to him.”

“huh? why?” you ask, pivoting your body towards him. “you already tried and it didn’t work. what makes you think i’d have better luck?”

“well, for starters, you are fucking him.” he said nonchalantly. the heat rose to your face as you reached for the nearest pillow, throwing it at his face. he easily dodged it as it flew past, hitting the blinds and ultimately, the glass door to the balcony mattsun was still standing on.

you gulp as mattsun turns to look at the commotion inside, his attention now fully on you instead of wherever distant place it was before. you offer him a small smile before he turns back around, taking another drag of his cigarette.

“i cant believe you said that.” you hissed out at makki who could only laugh.

“oh, was it supposed to be a secret? you guys are not very subtle then.” he giggled before he peeked outside again. “but now you’ve done it, so why don’t you go out there?”

“you really think he’ll want to talk to me?” your voice was small, insecurity closing around your throat. makki offered you a genuine look, one that told you more than words ever could.

“yeah. i really do.”

with that, you make your way outside while makki retreats into his bedroom. you open the door and you’re met with a gust of wind that has you stumbling outside.

“watch your step.” mattsun muttered before sticking the cigarette back in his mouth. it was clear he was frustrated, the wind constantly blowing out his cigarette certainly didn’t help either.

he goes to light it again, the lighter stubbornly refusing to work. he let out a loud groan, throwing the cigarette beside him on the ground before pocketing the lighter. you almost wince.

“issei-“ you coo, getting closer.

“what?” his voice wasn’t harsh but it wasn’t his usual laid back tone either. everything in you wanted to rush back inside and hide out in your room.

“you wanna talk about it?” you ask softly, standing next to him as you both look out at the city. he glances at you quickly before looking back out there.

“not really.”

“okay.” you nod, still not moving. after a few moments of silence, you feel mattsun shift, his forehead crashing down against your shoulder as he leans against you for support. you almost jump at the sudden contact.

“it was just a bad day.” he sighed, his breath tickling your skin. “a long week, really. it felt more busier than usual. so many families to talk to, so many things to do to prepare the bodies, i’m just exhausted.”

and you could hear it in his voice. his earlier clipped tongue melted into something softer and syrupy sweet. one that tugged at your heart.

“i’m sorry ‘sei, that sounds like a lot.” you keep your voice light as you pivot your body around to hold onto him better. you could tell he’s been holding this in for far too long.

“that’s not all.” his chin rested on your shoulder now and you knew he was looking far off again. “something else happened today when they brought a new body in that pushed me over the edge.”

“what was it?” for a moment, he didn’t answer, trying to summon up the words he desperately wanted to say. you could tell he was twisting them around in his mouth before he spewed it all out in one breath.

“they couldn’t identify the body for awhile. they kept saying it was a jane doe coming in. and then she came in, all covered up and her hair—“ he swallowed thickly. “looked just like yours.”

“oh.” was all you could say before he kept going.

“i thought-“ his arms tightly wound around you. “i don’t really know what i thought. i knew it wasn’t you, but there was just a voice that kept saying, what if? and i freaked out. i could barely do it.”

“hey, it’s okay.” you rub his back soothingly, letting him fall apart a little bit. you squeeze him back so tightly to try and mend him back together. and part of you almost believes it works. “i’m okay, you’re okay.”

“days like these i hate my job because it just puts too much in perspective. i try not to have a negative outlook on life but it’s hard when all i see everyday is how it ends.” he sighs as your fingers find his hair, smoothing through the small, tangled waves that have taken refugee.

“what’s that one quote? it’s not the destination, it’s the journey?” your voice as a light lilt to it that has him letting out an amused scoff. “i’m sorry you had a rough week, issei. your job is a heavy one and i know it’s hard to remain optimistic. but it’s a hell of a reminder that you’re alive right now and you can make the best of it. we’ll make every day count, even if it’s something as simple as eating our favorite foods. okay? you’re not alone.”

he lets out a soft hum in response and everything’s quiet for a moment. even the wind simmers down into a softer breeze while issei finds sanctuary in your arms. it’s a rare sight seeing him like this — one that never failed to tear at your heartstrings, clipping them one by one until it relents and falls right into his hands.

“thank you.” he sighs out, straightening up and loosening his hold on you. it’s sickening how much you already miss the closeness, and it only grows worse as he steps back and out of reach. “i needed that.”

“anytime.” you bite back the ‘that’s what friends are for’ line you’d normally use because you’re pretty sure you’ve crossed that line. plus that could potentially start a whole new conversation that you weren’t ready to open just yet.

issei takes out a fresh cigarette and successfully lights it this time, a look of brief satisfaction taking over his features. you almost want to remind him that there’s a better use for his oral fixation but decide against it as you watch him inhale.

there was still something swirling around in the air, mixing itself within the smoke before drifting away from your grasp. no matter how hard you fought to hold onto it, it wasn’t yours to take. the question sits on your tongue, marinating with your thoughts as it takes you further and further away from him.

“so, what’s up with you?” issei’s voice breaks the silence, shattering the glass wall you were desperately trying to build a second ago.

“what do you mean?” you tilt you head, hoping to feign innocence long enough for him to drop the loaded question and move on.

“it’s just—“ he looks at you, studying you for a moment with his slightly narrowing eyes as if he was trying to peer into your very soul, piercing through your skin so he can see what truly lies under it. “you seem unsure lately.”

“what would i have to be unsure about?” you breath out so quickly all the words melt together.

“you tell me.” those three words sent your mind reeling. leave it to him to stir up all your thoughts, all the ones you tried hiding between the lines.

“its nothing.” you sigh. “i was just worried about you this week, that’s all.”

“that’s all?”

“yep.” you brace yourself to look back at him and almost wish you didn’t. a chill that had nothing to do with the wind ran down your back, almost nudging you closer to him. but you steel yourself, holding his gaze. “that’s all.”

“okay then.” he sighs, turning around so he’s facing the glass door to your apartment. “let’s just order take out and hang out then.”

the invitation was so simple. something that felt practiced, routine. every cell in your body was ready to agree to it without a second thought but something stopped you. how deep were you willing to go for him without a promise of more? and why did it seem like the length was endless, you’d free fall even if he wasn’t there to catch you. and the thought scared you to your core.

something had to be done though, you couldn’t keep trying to tread this riptide. maybe if you took some space from him, tried going on a date with someone else…

you shake the thought from your head. regardless of what should be done, it wasn’t the time right now. mattsun was standing in between the glass door waiting for you with a foot on either side. the small smile growing on his face filled you with so much warmth, dousing another level of confusion to your swamped mind.

“yeah.” you nod, making your way to the door. “better tell makki though, i have a hunch he’s been feeling left out lately.”