I hate thinking about my family. I hate thinking about my life. I hate thinking about the past. I hate thinking about the future. I hate how dysfunctional our family is. A family where my parents don't even truly love each other. My dad says my mom isn't the woman he married. My mom says she would've been happy with anyone being her husband. I hate how my mom seems to fucking hate me most of the time and the time she doesn't, I do. I hate how she doesn't give a simple fuck about what I like. I hate how its always "when we were small.." Yes mom the fucking 20th century was different. I get it you were perfect. I hate how I can't talk to my dad about anything emotionally important to me and if I do, the embarrassment haunts me. I hate how I can't and don't talk to my older brother at all. How he's simply a stranger whom I share blood with. The second I try, I get made fun of or it ends in a fight. I sometimes loath how much better my younger sister gets treated but also see bits of younger me in her. I just know that after a few years my mom will treat her the same way and I pity her. You grow up basked in her love, giving it back too. And one day its ripped away from you and you can't do shit about it. I hate how lonely I am. I hate that I sit in a fucking room all day, scrolling, reading, dreaming. I hate how I'm a fucking bird in a cage. I can't go out because of my parents. I'm a girl in an Asian country they all say. Really, is that it? Then why can all the other girls do it? I envy them so so much. I envy them when they talk about their lovely families with their wonderful moms who wont slut shame them for wearing what they want or using a bit of fucking blush on their face. You know what I want to wear; fucking sweatpants in my OWN home. I have a father and brother, she says. What the fuck do you mean when it's allowed in our religion. My father and brother are fine with it, you're the one whose been sexualizing me since i was 10. The other girls so fucking pretty. Why do I look like this? They get to go out to movies and cafes and stay with their amazing friends. They talk to who they want and do whatever they want and they genuinely enjoy life. On the other hand i take a picture and wow, she's such a show-off. Why do they get to hang out with the people they love? They get to talk to their moms about boys they like and their mom doesn't hate them for it because she get's it. They get to giggle with their friends and get sweaters on the third of December and hold hands in the rain while I have to wait for stupid "one days"? While I'm a slut if I look in the direction of a guy at all. I'm fucking sick of people who actually DO HAVE NICE FAMILIES, WHO DO GET TO LIVE THEIR WONDERUL FUCKING LIVES tell me that 'one day it'll get better'. One day one day one day. I heard that when i was 6. I heard that when i was 13. I heard that yesterday. I hear that all the time. I'm sick of hearing that. You don't get it. I don't want it one day. I want it now; when it's all around me. I want it when I see friend groups pass by me having the time of their life. I want it when a girl asks me to hang out but I have to say no because I know I won't be allowed. I want it all the time. A simple walk in the park with my friend? Is that too much to ask for. By one day you mean, when I'm 30? When everyone around me has kids of their own and the thing I wanna do it go watch a movie for teenagers in the cinema because guess what! I never got to when I was actually supposed to.

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Read my fanfiction about the folklore love triangle <3