I said I would be there for you at all times, and help you as best as I could. But now Iβm not. Why? Because you crossed the line. I always talked you out of suicide and would fall to my knees screaming every time I found out that you had hurt yourself in some way or had wound up in the hospital. I sat in the dark for hours, alone, with mascara stained tears dripping down my cheeks as I pleaded for you to try and live a little longer. I told you how much I cared about you, loved you, and needed you. But you never seemed to notice.
Instead of listening to what I had to say, you dragged blades along your wrists and ate pills like they were candy. You constantly picked up guns and inhaled things that could have killed you. At least those were some of the things you told me you did. But you also told me your parents werenβt home one night, and my friends mom had to call the police for me because I was too busy screaming and crying on my kitchen floor, thinking I was too late and you were already dead, because you hadnβt answered any of my texts that Iβd sent over the course of around an hour. Except when the police arrived, rather than them finding you alone at home, as you had told me you were, they had found out that your parents were also there, and had been home for the past several hours. That night I had spent 5+ hours talking to you, begging that it wouldnβt be the last time we spoke. I had shed so many tears that I had none left by the time I went to bed, which was around 1in the morning. I slept horribly that night, and for the next couple of months. Why? Because every time I went to sleep, I was afraid I would miss a text from you and youβd kill yourself thinking I was just ignoring you and didnβt care anymore, and that your mother would call my number at 4am to tell me she had found your body in a pool of your blood on your bedroom floor. At first I had thought that maybe I could help you get better, and stop you from having suicidal thoughts. So I told you that you could text me if you ever needed anybody to talk to or if you needed some help. I was so foolish to think I could do that. My mother walked into my room one night as I was texting you. She had looked at my homework and asked me why I wasnβt doing it. I proceeded to try and explain that I was trying to talk you out of killing yourself and I didnβt even finish my sentence before I broke down into hysterics. Even though I kept hoping youβd get better, you didnβt. It got progressively worse after your girlfriend broke up with you, (for completely, 100% reasonable things) youβd often text me to tell me how much sheβd hurt you, and that you didnβt want to live without her, but then youβd say things about her that made me want to walk over to your house and slap you. Sheβs my best friend after all, and you knew that, so it amazes me that you didnβt at least try to keep your thoughts to yourself. But those werenβt the worst messages you sent me. The worst were the ones where you would text me to tell me that you had slit your wrists 8 times and planned on doing it more,that you had swallowed all of your pills and you felt like you were going to faint, or the messages where you would begin to say goodbye and tell me to have a good life. They were fucking horrible to read, and I blamed myself for each mark you left on your body, because I wasnβt there to stop you. But you probably never knew how much I was hurting, because I never told you. You never knew how I hated myself, how little I ate, the amount of times I broke down in tears, how horribly I slept, or how badly I wished I would just get hit by a car or something so I wouldnβt have to live any longer feeling like hell. I could never tell you any of that, because I knew you were already dealing with so much. But you ended up finding out how I really was eventually through texts from my friends. So you may be wondering how you crossed the line, considering I had told you that you could tell me anything. Hereβs how; You knew I cared about you, and that it made me sad to hear you were hurting, but you still told me in detail, every single thing you did to hurt yourself. You usually only messaged me to tell me that youβd tried to kill yourself, or that you were going to later that day. It got to the point where I feared receiving messages from you, or asking you how you were, because I knew it would mean hearing about how many gashes youβd left in you skin. You even said things that turned out to be lies, and you had never actually hurt yourself that way. Thatβs how you crossed the line. You said things to me that nobody should ever have to hear. I know I said Iβd be there for you, buy itβs really hard to help somebody when they ignore every single thing you say. And thatβs what you did, no matter how many times I told you that people cared about you or how much you mattered to me, you just kept brushing it off like it was nothing. So there you have it. Thatβs how I really feel, and this is my side of the story.
turnnoffyourmind
areudirty
izzy806
jbbartram-illu
andulkaphoto
snowghoul
2087
