me-nonobae (╥_╥)

i realized that i tend to buy souvenirs for those i believe are my friends, although i dont get the same treatment back. i am not resentful, i just want to be appreciated for my presence :(

now that i skipped 2 weddings, i feel like i will skip all the other invitations that i may receive. why? because it kills me to see that people are happy even if im not there. i dont need to attend anything to make myself visible to anyone if i ended up tossed aside.

all i want is to be included. like update me on your daily life - what you had for breakfast, what will you be doing over the weekends etc. i want to see everyone enjoying life!

indeed we all have our own lives, own priorities in which i understand. but recently its just making me feel like im that excluded one. where were they when i needed them the most? urgh this sucks. i dont even know a friend had a child like what the heck

how can i get better when all these triggers me? they dont know they're my triggers because i dont tell them. why should i? my presense will either be ignored or just "oh ok" yknow?

im jealous. im so so jealous of people who have a support system. i wish i had one without the need to ask.

my medication is working, i put on alot of weight because of it. i dont want to meet people because i feel ugly and fat. i weigh so much more than i did before. its all because i couldnt take it no longer. i guess its my fault i took my isolation too far? none of them checked on me. NONE

all these pain i wish no friend have to go through. depression is a pain in the ass but it has became my only friend now. i dont even feel other emotions that i used to - crushes? love? admiration? motivation? no, nothing. all i wish for is to have someone there for me without asking, without feeling like a burden.

everyone has their struggles no doubt. i am always all ears if you need me but nobody does it for me. am i a bad person? tell me if i am. talk to me. im still alive am i not? urgh how much can my medication help anyway