Love Hurts

“Yes, just an old donkey. It must be around,” Priapus pointed down at his incredibly uncomfortable to look at boner. “but I can’t chase it.” 

“And if we find it…?” Dean was trying to remember the stories about Priapus. There weren’t too many, and really, he wasn’t a son of Athena, he didn’t have Wikipedia for a brain, so some facts were definitely harder to remember than others, like the dozens of donkeys in Greek mythology.

“Then I help you with your quest. You don’t know where to go, do you?” Fucker. Dean pursed his lips and turned to look at Drew. Clearly, the guy wanted something with her, but it wasn’t like they had any better idea at the moment. “Deal?”

Dean did his best to look at the guy’s eyes, or even better, not to look at him at all, trying to play along with Drew’s story. But it was hard. And if the thing hanging on the clutch touched either of them, Dean would probably gag. 

“Gas? You ain’t got no car,” Ok, so Priapus wasn’t completely stupid. but Dean wasn’t fond of the way he was eyeing Drew. Gross. “So I guess you’ve got a quest. Right on time.” 

That made Dean raise an eyebrow. “On time for what?”

“Not very smart, are ya?” Dean’s eyebrow went down and joined the other in a deep frown. “If the Fates sent you two here, it’s because you’ve gotta help me. Obviously. And maybe we can have some fun later…”

Priapus tried to approach Drew, and Dean intervened despite himself before the god got too close. Yuck. “Help you with what?” 

“I’m looking for an ass.” Dean blinked, tightening the grip on his sword. What the fuck? “A donkey, you know?”

Being stared at wasn’t an uncommon experience for Drew. But this god seriously made her skin crawl. Infinite power combined with horniness probably wasn’t a great combo and she did not want to find out. Drew was about to make some excuse about needing to buy a map, or need some water, or literally anything to get out of this situation when he mentioned the quest. Of course this guy would be a part of it, just her luck. 

She took a deep breath when he started approaching her. Drew could play nice but if this disgusting god touched her then he had better start running. She wasn’t sure what she would do, but she would definitely figure out something, especially if he tried to have any “fun” with them. Maybe make him cut some unnecessary appendages off. Luckily Dean stepped in before she had to put Priapus in his place.

“… our… brother.” Dean couldn’t hide the disgust in his voice. Seriously, of all the guys Mr. D could’ve fathered, they had to meet this guy and his… dick. Yuck. Hopefully, Priapus hadn’t heard him, because he wasn’t feeling like having a family reunion, and he was sure Drew wasn’t either.

Priapus and his clutch finally caught up to them, and Dean didn’t put his sword down. That guy was supposed to be some minor wilderness god but the Labyrinth had thrown them there, and he wasn’t gonna lower his guard. At least up close he could focus on Priapus’ face and not on the thing hanging from his clutch. “Huh. Demigods, aren’t you?” They were wearing the orange Camp t-shirt and Dean had a Celestial bronze sword, that was enough telling. “What are two demigods doin’ here?”

Dean gave Drew a look. She was the one supposed to do the talking, because his people skills would probably get them killed. 

Of course Dean had a brother like this. Drew felt like gagging watching Priapus approach, but managed to contain her disgust. She waited for Dean to deal with his stupid brother - after all, it must be a punishment sent for him, what the hell did she have to do with a son of Dionysus? - but she quickly caught on that this was up to her. Charming people was easy, she could handle some minor god. 

Drew Tanaka making sense. The Phlegethon must’ve frozen over. Not that he was gonna acknowledge it out loud. Instead, he started looking for a door or something, Drew almost stuck to his back. He found the door and it opened up to the front of the store, confirming it had been abandoned. Outside there were empty fields and no sign of monsters, so he dared to open the front door and his claustrophobia thanked him for the open space and fresh air. There was a sign next to the store: “Crete, ND. 3 Miles.”

So they were in fucking rural North Dakota. That would explain the lack of… well, everything. 

“Hey, you!” Someone was calling them, and Dean turned around to face them, whoever they were, sword ready. Except he wasn’t prepared to see a fat guy with something that looked like a very long, very uncomfortable boner under his jeans, and Dean closed his eyes immediately. Shit.

There was only someone in Greek mythology who fit the description, and Dean knew his name because it was a son of Dionysus, though he wasn’t happy about being related to this guy. 

“Who are you?” He had a clutch of sorts to keep his dick off the ground, and it was too much to see. Just too much. Dean would need bleach for his eyes after this; Drew too, probably.

“… you’re Priapus, aren´t you?”

Drew pushed past Dean when they made their way outside, feeling significantly safer outside of the monster donut shop. She could not be more relieved to be out of the labyrinth. She took a deep breath and sighed. She felt like twirling like Sister Maria on that mountaintop. And also like curling up on the grass and taking a nap. She got the chance to neither of those, because her blissful thoughts were interrupted. 

“No.” It smelled like wet dog, but they both knew it was more like wet bull and at least Dean didn’t want to go back to that. They’d barely escaped once, and he didn’t consider himself particularly blessed by Tyche to test their luck again. “Stay close.”

There wasn’t even an old donut lying around, which was a big, fucking shame, but then again it might be for the best since every Monster Donut was connected like a hydra and eating one pastry could possibly be like sending a distress call. Probably. Shit, couldn’t their prophecy be more precise? “Let’s take a look. Stay close.”

Drew took heed of his warning and stayed close. Any closer and she would practically be standing on top of him. But there had been too many close calls for her liking and it was starting to make her less scared and more defiant. Who the hell thinks they can kill her? She is not letting that happen.

They shouldn’t stop, but they’d already stopped before and they weren’t even close to know where the fuck they were supposed to get because their prophecy was vague as fuck. “Yeah, but we don’t know what’s on the other side of the door.” The last door they’d opened had been a trap and Drew had fallen down and almost drowned, but it wasn’t like they had a lot of options. “’kay. Whatever. I’m opening this shit.”

He pressed the delta sign and the door opened to another, smaller room, that looked and felt like a basement, with a lamp hanging from the ceiling. He pulled out his sword again as they walked inside the basement, taking a look around. There were some boxes labeled “sugar”, “flour”, “chocolate”, “sprinkles”, all ingredients for sweets, but they were empty. Just their look. There were some stairs and a trapdoor, and Dean lead the way, lifting the door only a bit with the tip of his sword to take a look. The lights were out, but the place looked as empty as the boxes –deserted, even– and he dared to fully open the trapdoor. Yeah, abandoned. And that was a good thing, because there was a Monster Donuts sign on the wall across from them. “Shit…”

Drew cautiously followed behind Dean, disappointed when they were led into another freaking room and not released from this nightmarish maze. She dropped her guard and nearly groaned, approaching the boxes. She lightly nudged one of the boxes with her boot only to get a smudge of dust on them. She frowned, these weren’t going to be pink much longer.

No one owes anyone anything yet, Dean wanted to add, because he was sure there would be plenty more shit coming their way down there, but he didn’t wanna jinx it. Instead, he kept himself busy as they walked, making a mental inventory of what they still had: bronze sword - 1, a change of clothes - wet, notebook - 1, wet, probably ruined. It wasn’t a very happy list, so he stopped himself. 

The corridor was blissfully free of bones and/or skulls, but Dean caught a whiff of the wet dog smell, though it vanished before he could freak out about it. Someone was definitely messing with them. The walls around them started turning to white plaster, and he stopped again when he spotted a wooden door with a delta sign on it. “That’s an exit.” They could take it or they could keep walking, but since he’d fucked up the last time he picked the way, it was Drew’s call now.

Dean hadn’t been sure it would work. It was a wild idea, in every sense of the work, but they had been desperate and both of them having a panic attack at the same time was guaranteed death. And yet, somehow, it worked. Their surroundings shimmered and vanished, and they were back to the Y on the tunnels they’d found at first. “Holy shit, you did it!” He was in disbelief, and gad Drew been anyone else, he would’ve hugged her, but Drew was Drew so that wasn’t gonna happen. Ever. But he was impressed.

Drew was still missing her backpack and she was still wet, though, so what had happened to them had been real, in a way, so Dean had to be more observant in case he started getting the nagging feeling on his brain again. “C’mon, that thing was that way,” and he started walking on the opposite direction they’d taken at first.