kiss the obscene

what i learned is, it's hard for some people to understand this kind of grief. it's hard to understand that a pet can mean this much to you. susi was not just my cat, she was my best friend for half my life, at times she was my only friend, and she did and still does mean the world to me. i have never felt this much love or such a deep connection to anyone and i doubt i ever will again. it's the most precious thing to me.

so, susi used to belong to my great grandma who funnily enough named all her later girl cats susi after a cat she used to own when she was younger. so susi used to be a farm cat before she came to us and became a spoiled little princess. i was 15 at the time, my great grandma had passed at age 91 and i begged everyone in my family to let us take susi in when they sold the farm because i couldn't bear to imagine her in a shelter. it was a rough start for her, she was shy and it took her a long time to warm up to her new life. but once she did, she was the best cat anyone could ask for. mischivous but sweet, loved watching the birds, always tried to steal food but also very well-behaved.

and: she was there for me through everything. she was there for me when school got hard, when i got depressed and developed an eating disorder as a teenager, when my dearly beloved grandma passed way too young and my family fell apart. she was there when i developed severe anxiety disorders, when i didn't know what to do with my life and changed university courses again and again. she was there when i needed therapy because i didn't know how to go on, when i finally became better. she was there when me and my mom took care of my beloved but very ill grandpa for years, she was there when he eventually passed and my family fell apart again. she was there when covid came and i studied from home to get my masters.

and then i was there for her when she got ill, when she needed daily medication for years, when we thought she wouldn't make it after it all started, only for her to recover and spend another three years with me until eventually her little body couldn't do it anymore. we were so inseperable that i'm not sure how i've survived a full year without her now. the night she died, she somehow found the strength to crawl over and call out to wake me, so we could be together when she left.

i'm super super grateful for all of this. the way this little girl supported me through half of my life and that i got to support her through hers. i don't care that people don't understand, i just know that an animal can change your whole life. they can be your whole life, for a time.

i don't think i ever showed her much on here. these are mostly photos from more recent years, the rest of the thousands of picutres i keep on a hard drive and i haven't found the strength to go through them.

i don't remember what she looked like as a kitten, i only properly got to know her when she was already a few years old. either way, like my great grandma she lived very long (we assume 19/20 years). to me she's the most precious girl in the world.