If you are anything like us, you love staring at your true love. A million hours of fixing your eyes on their perfect face would hardly be enough satiate your affection. Yet, the unfortunate fact is that staring is generally considered “socially unacceptable” and “creepy” and “not appropriate” in most social situations… unless you are a security guard at a fancy department store and some young ruffians just walked in - then you are expected to stare at them exclusively with a condescending glare. But you know what is almost as bad as getting caught staring? When people see you staring and then you quickly jerk your head in a different direction and very awkwardly stare at the ceiling like, “I am so fascinated with this skylight! I can’t stop staring at it in a totally innocent way!” So here are some alternative ideas that you can practice at home and maybe next time your staring won’t be so obvious:
Blurt out “Gosh, living with Narcolepsy is such a pain it’s like-” and then collapse and pretend to be asleep for a couple minutes. This will totally throw them off the trail because narcolepsy is a serious medical condition and they will be too concerned to be creeped out.
Shift your gaze over a few centimetres and pretend you’re looking at someone behind them and maybe even pretend to wave at your “friend” behind them, or even say something like “Hey friend! I’ve been watching you walk here and it’s cool because we’re friends!” and then walk past your love and hope they don’t realize that you are talking to a garbage can behind them and actually don’t have any friends.
Loudly comment on how blind you are and how you just wish people would stop thinking you were looking at them because gosh, haven’t they ever seen a blind person before and not everything revolves around them and how dare you imply that I was staring I am actually very severely visually impaired and it’s not funny millions of people are blind around the world!
Lick your lips, wink slowly and maybe wiggle your eyebrows a little bit.
No, wait! Please don’t do step #4 it has a very poor success rate and in several cases has led to arrest.
Seriously, just forget step number 4, what are you - a creep?
Roll your eyes to the back of your head, start drooling and shaking. Creepy people don’t have seizures, so you are sure to not give them the idea that you’re weird.
Slowly lift a book in front of your face and pretend to be reading. Note: this does not work with any of the following titles:
- The Essential Guide To Stalking by Judith C. Carmens
- Hiding in Bushes for Dummies by Robert Peters
- The Joy of Creeping by Linda Meyers
- Hunting Humans and Other Borderline, But Very Fun Activities by Richard P. Tompkins
- Yes, I Was Staring by Sosue Mi (this critically acclaimed novel actually has nothing to do with stalking, but the title may answer a question that you don’t want your victim asking, so it’s best to be avoided)
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