Classy rants (might include a lot of sodium)

 I would like to recite you a tale. A tale about woman, unrivaled in its power to conjure up so many memories or emotions, and it is these memories, and emotions, that are the subject of this story. Life is strange. When you think that everyone forgot you, suddenly long lost figures of your life appear. I would like to thank “Miss top 3″ and my own “Joker of the past” ( Yes that would make me Harley Quinn but that’s story for another time) which gave me inspiration to write this tribute which i had in mind for a long time. A tribute to "Lady Finland” which made my miserable existance way more tolerable. I met her on my first day during my journey in Portugal. You could say that i “met her in the summer” heh. Though my first day was awful, oddly enough it was the start of me becoming someone else... something else. I have to say in my life it’s rare event when someone would drag me along with them. Knowing that my pressence is wanted ignited that dim light in my own mind which represented hope which i thought of losing long time ago. Some events during that time will always be etched in one of the rooms of my own mind palace  which holds memories of people whose i’ll never forget. She was one of those women which you wouldn’t want to piss off. Rumors say that she knew Krav Maga. I would like to believe that she was Izraelian spy sent to destroy Finland from within. Generosity was one of her properties. Although now i wonder if she shared famous Finnish “mana of the gods” Koskenkorva, the black mass brought from fiery pits of hell itself just to make me suffer for all those times when she had to listen to my sorry ass talking nonsense. Im pretty sure there were way more times than anyone else could tolerate. I think it might be both, but who am i kidding i deserve even more. She was there during my ups and downs. Of course at that time i was too big of a macho to admit to some things she said. Although i will never forget couple words which she said during the point when i reached my lowest. Point of my own mind warping itself. It might be some kind of dilusion or thing which i wanted to hear at that time. I am not sure if it was what i heard but it doesn’t matter because it meant a lot to me. Words “you’re my friend” is one of those things which are worth more than anything in the world. At that point i kept it for myself but it helped to move this giant boulder of my back. Without her last days were not the same. Not having your  friend , a female wingman, felt like someone handicapped me. Still i cherish every moment which i had. One of perks having good memory is that you can just close your eyes and experience it again. Either way i don’t think that i ever said how much i appreciate everything she did for me. So thank you. Who knows maybe one day we will meet again.

Im pretty sure my life is one big homage to movie history by quoting scenes from them. You won’t stop me! One day i’ll fulfull one of my big life goals to make those refferences. Either way, after movie finished i left movie theatre with big smile on my face. Even if it was cheesy movie i have to say two hours went by really fast. It’s nothing close to original but when i think about second and third movie im glad that they didn’t fuck up it this time.

In my life i had my fair share of bullying and threats for something you might have said or not. Distorted stories and words going from person to person which confuses people and make them  not to think about everything rationally is a dangerous thing. I always thought that after graduating highschool it would end. That people who reach that kind of age do consider themselves above the pointless gossip and misrepresentation of words which might be harmful in long run. But i guess i was wrong again. I thought that kind of vile will be met only on internet where population of trolls and abominations flourish. But let me tell you a story about person which i would gladly name “Clown of empty threats”. One would think that mentioning your name in conversation which has nothing to do about anything major at all would be met in easy manner. After all people do talk about others and it’s not a bad thing to do as long as it doesn’t break any lmmits. But there it is, a snake , person who probably do not like me i assume cause this kind of drama for basically nothing. Hate and misrepresentation of things you say does make me wonder. What’s the point of all of this. I already reached that age when i do consider myself above pointless conflict. Yet again when someone threats you in “late 80s mobster” manner you do take it seriously. Even if i grown up in environment which made me heartless bastard which do not consider himself as someone who would be intimidated easily. My problem is that threat should be based on something. It shouldn’t be just words which you say to anyone who you do not like at that moment. There is nothing worse than being clown who boasts how good he is and threats people without even being able to do anything. Threat is a threat and if you do say it and then take no actions i will consider you a new “Clown of empty threats”.

For couple weeks in a row there are words which are stuck in my mind. Words which could be considered deep for some and confusing for others. Sentence like that has meaning only in exact moment of your life. “At the mid point on the journey of life i found myself in the dark forest for the clear path was lost”. Line from one of my favorite books adaptation “Divine comedy”. Recent events made me wonder about significance of my own existance. The feeling of being left behind when everyone else moves on with their life and you’re stuck in this dark void of pointless existance. Repetition of basic survival functions and lack of interest for it started to eat me from the inside. Looking in the mirror and seeing just empty eyes which do not reflect joy of any sort does make you wonder. At this point of my life it feels like i became just a mere shadow of what i used to be. They say that every light has to have it’s own shadow. The stronger the light is the bigger and darker the shadow itself becomes. The problem is that light is gone and me ... the shadow still exist without it. I always thought of myself as lone wolf. Shadowy figure in background of everyones lives. Beast which do not have it’s own pack. Deep inside there always was this feeling that i do not deserve to be part of something bigger. Something which would make me feel whole. Part of me was always lost which triggered this chain reaction of desolation. It leads only to despair and sadness which clouds your heart and mind. After walking in snowy night of march as surprising as it sounds i realized that i need to find my own resolve. Being shadow for the rest of your life is not something my heart craves. But miracles do not happen and finding the right way to escape this dark void might not be as easy as i would like to be. After all when you reach the edge of insanity itself there are only two options. It seems that the darker side does want me to stick around while it consumes me from the inside and drags me where i possibly belong.

This story begins one beautiful day of January during the time i’ve spent in Portugal. I’ve made many life long friendships there but as every good thing in your life it ends even if you do not want it to end. During my last days of this adventure i was left alone since everyone had to come back home. In my mind i was already ready to go back myself. But strangest thing happened. I was about to go to the store to buy some food since even worst person doesn’t deserve to keep eating pasta all the time. I took my bag and almost left when i realized that i’ve left my sun glasses at home. This was the key point of this story when my life was changed for good. After i took my sunglasses i left my house and went outside. While i was walking i’ve noticed a group of people ahead of me. And there it was in the group of people, two particular woman which bright yellow hair was like sun in the midsummer evening. It was the point when i met these two finnish girls. I’ve promised not to use names for this story so ill adress to them as “Miss top 3″  since i know only 3 finnish girls but she doesn’t need to know that, and “Girl which you would show to your parents”. There were one other person which i knew from before so he introduced me to them. It was surprising how warm they greeted me considering i was just a random stranger in the background of the people you would see while you’re going home. In my mind i thought that last week of my adventure will be way different than it was. I’ve spent a lot of time with them and i appreciate every single moment. It was surprising how i had so much in common with Miss top 3 and i won’t deny the fact that Girl which you would show to your parents cought my attention more than just a friend. Even though i had to leave in couple days i was glad that i’ve met them. I came to Portugal without any expectations at all and even the last days were something which i will remember all my life. Last hours before i had to take my train to the airport i was sitting on the bench at the harbour and just gazed to the stars last time thinking how amazing this 5 months journey was. I couldn’t leave without saying good bye to those people so i’ve met them one more time. Before leaving i said goodbye to people which made my heart warmer during those months. First i had to say good bye to Miss top 3 which will be always in my favorite list of glorious finnish women. Im pretty sure they all are descendants of viking shield maidens. My last hour before leaving i’ve spent with Girl which you would show to your parents. Talking with her was the point when i realized how beautiful life can be. At that point my heart and mind wanted to stay there longer just to experience this magical feeling of being truly happy which i rarely feel. I’ve promised to her that even when i come back ill stay the person i’ve became after this 5 month journey. After saying goodbye like 10 times and hugging her i had to go and complete this chapter of life which had to end. While going back to my home and waving her last time, i’ve felt that i’ve completed 100% of things which i wanted to do. Part of the list of things which i wanted to do there was complete. I took my bags and stepped into the train. Only thing in my mind was the though that i am happy. Massive smile on my face stayed there for many more months. Even now when i think about them it makes me smile. And all of this just because i almost left my glasses at home. If i didn’t go back to take them i would have missed those people and this long story wouldn’t be written at all. If either Miss top 3 or Girl which you would show to your parents will read this story i want to say thank you for everything. You made me better person when you put that smile on my face. It’s not a joker refference...

One special person once said to me that you have to enjoy smallest things in your life and made me  promise her that i won’t change no matter what happens. So in her honor i am trying to achieve as much as possible in my life. One week ago i managed to fulfill one achievement from my lifelong to do list. I’ve been in Latvia to visit couple friends and enjoy my time there. Of course night in Riga has to be good you would think. So my story begins in one of the Rigas bars. Don’t ask me name we all know that i wasn’t in the best condition at that point. Ater some drinks which were ironically called “No problem” they suggested me to go sing a karaoke. Of course when i drink i become massive goofball so i had to accept the offer. When i went to the dj to ask for the list of the songs miracle happened. I think it was a sign or godly power from heaven itself. Bright light started to shine on the name of this one song... And the song was Rick Astley never gonna give you up. At that point i knew what i have to do. Of course my voice sounded really bad you could hear screeching like someone brushed their nails through board. But it was glorious achievement for me. There are not many times in your life when you can Rick Roll so many people. There were 3 types of people there. Those who didn’t understand, those who facepalmed from shame and those who sang along. I could see from their eyes that they were thinking you got me man 2015 Rickroll. I can say that i can cross that out from my magical list of things which i have to do in my life.

Am i only one who start to giggle like little girl when someone mentions esophagus ? It’s first time i’ve heard this name but it does sound funny you have to admit that.

Today is the first day i am trying to write a blog on tumblr. I always thought that i would like to have a place where i could express myself and talk about anything i want. Ranting about small things and talking about events which happened in my life. Don’t worry it won’t be anything really serious after all it’s tumblr not a clinic for mentally ill people. Although i might be one considering that was never actually denied. This blog is called classy rants because i want to rant about things which boggles my mind. I guess i should start from the last thing that happened before i created this blog. I was listening to new Zedd song "I want you to know” and only thing i could think of was how disturbing i feel that lead singer is Selena Gomez. I cannot justify to share this song just because of that name in the title. I wonder if that does make me weird? I am confused if i like it or not at this point.