Be proud of your self . You are a good person.

Pagkakamali, Mistake yan ang tawag ko sayo..

Alam mo yung moment na akala mo na finally nagmahal ka at minahal ka din at same time. Sa lovelife ko kasi most of the time hindi yun nangyayari. Nakakatawa man sabihin at iadmit pero yun talaga. Kahit sabi nila maganda naman ako, mabait, matalino at sexy pero unfortunately mahirap talaga mahanap ng taong na makakaconnect ka. 

I’ve date so many guys from different parts of the world. Since I live in Dubai and I get meet people from different walks of life. Wala akong swerte sa pag-ibig. Lage kong iniisip na gusto lang nila makaisa saken. I was raised in a very strict and religious home. My Papa always told me na dapat sa taong mahal ko lang ibibigay ang sarili ko. So, I lived my life with that though in my head. For 28 years, I make sure that I will keep myself pure... a virgin..

Then I met this guy, Ari.

He was a nice guy but he is definitely not my type sa kahit anong aspect (Physical aspect po ah). He’s chubby, an average looking Filipino-Chinese guy. But what made especial was he is so kind and sweet, unlike all the other guys I have dated. Na ang matatapang at akala mo kung sino. Palibhasa nga kasi most of tehm ay mga gwapo. Confident sila na makakahanap sila na kagaya ko or higit pa saken. He likes to cook, that’s the best thing about him kasi I like to eat. But all kidding aside, I fell for him. I fell so fast without realizing that super bilis na ng phase namen. Ang sarap kasi sa pakiramdam eh. First time kasi eh.

We spend a lot of time together. Almost every night. I feel so loved around him. He made feel so special. Like I am the prettiest girl in room.Di ba sobrang sarap nung sa feeling. I’ve never felt this way before. He is so amazing! Kahit na sa ibang aspect kulang sya okay na yun. Wala akong paki kahit na pinag titinginan kame basta ako gusto ko xa. Ewan ko baka nga mahal ko na xa.

One night it happened,it was on July 13th 2018 (Friday the 13th). We were at his house. We had some drinks. He was sitting across the room in front of his computer. I looked at him, he didn’t even know I was looking. I told myself, “I really like this guy. I don’t know why pero gusto ko na xa, I think I am ready to give in. I think he is the right guy for me. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna give myself to him”. Napaka bizarre nun para saken. Kasi never ko na isip na magiging ready ako. In a short period of time na nagkasama kame na feel ko na ready na ako. Kaya ko na at I am stable enough para gawin toh.

Next thing I know he was next on top me. Asking me if you can finally do it. I cried and told him , “Yes we can but I hope you won’t leave me after this”. He laugh and say “Of course I won’t leave you! What are you saying.” and so we did. The entire time I was crying. I was still scared. 

I cried even after we did it. I feel so vulnerable. I was crying like a baby. He even called me “fugly” the next day. But we laugh it out. Happy din naman ako at the time. I thought we shared something so special. Something I didn’t do with anyone. He reassured, he hugged me and said “I won’t leave you. I am here. I am not going anywhere”. It felt so good to have that someone who be vulnerable with. I really thought we are something so special. But boy I was wrong...

He didn’t changed right away. But then one night. We had a fight. I would admit that I was being irrational at the time. I walked away without explaining why I was so upset with him.

He let me walked away. I thought he will reached out to me.. But he didn’t. I was so confident that he will call, that he was just cooling down. Coz how he was in the beginning.

Days passed so slowly, I was dying. I told everyone around me that I was fine. But God knows I am not. I am dying inside. I gave him not only my heart but my body. I know that it’s not big deal these days. Most people lost their virginity way sooner than me. But to me it is important. VERY important that I can’t even explain and justify why I did it in first place.

14 days passed. He sent me a message, “Hey how are you?”. Like nothing happened.I was mad. I was shaking. Deep inside I know he will come back. I know he is still likes me. Well, that’s what I told myself. At the same time I feel like I gained the power in the relationship. 

We got back together. I was happy. I feel whole again.Suddenly all the sadness was gone.

Now I understand why people stay in shitty relationships! Coz LOVE makes you feel ALIVE. Yung tipong parang walang nangyari. Basta andyan na sya ulet sa tabi mo.

Nagkabalikan kame pero hindi na gaya ng dati.

Dati masaya, Dati ramdam ko na mahal nya ako at importante ako sa kanya. 

Ngayon baket ganon parang istorbo ka na sa kanya. All of sudden para hindi ka na priority, Baket parang hindi na ako ang bida. Para saling pusa na lang sa istorya.

Kinausap ko sya. Sabi ko “If you truly value this relationship, please let me into your life. Let me know how your day went or at least let me feel like you are still there. Coz I can’t feel you anymore. I miss you”.

Pero hindi sya nakinig. Nagalit pa nga sya. He is starting up a business career. I knew he has a lot of things on his hands but all I am asking is a little time and consideration. But he refused to give it to me. 

Akala ko nga delusional lang ako, baka papansin lang ako. Kaya hinayaan ko sya. I tried my best not to seem clingy.And it was struggle kasi nga hindi ako sanay. Iba toh bagong feeling. Akala nag aadjust lang kame.

Pero naisip ko, if ngayon pa lang ganito na kame pano pa pag tagal ng panahon? Lage na lang ba akong malulungkot?

Mahirap talaga makahanap ng forever. Nakakapagod na umasa, nakakapagod na magsimula. Makipag getting-to-know-each-other. Kaso sa love ndi talaga pedeng nasa fastlaane ka lage. Kagaya ko ilang beses na akong nabigo, umasa at nag aksaya ng feelings. Pero masisi mo ba ako? Masarap kaya sa pakiramdam yung may nag ccare sayo. Yung nagtatanong kung ayos ka lng ba? Kumain ka na ba? Pero sapat na ba ung para masabi na importante ka para sa isang tao?

Well the answer to that is definetely no! He/she should show you that he is willing to make things possible just to make feel secure and safe. Hayy eto na nmn ako nagsusulat dahil nabigo na naman ako. Pero infairness this time hindi na ganon kasakit. Hindi ko na xa iniyakan kung tutuusin mas matagal ko syang nakausap kesa sa iba. I guess I finally learned na hindi lahat ng bagay na gusto ko makukuha ko. Natuto na akong sumugal. Well ndi man todo ang taya ko atleast may naitaya na ako di ba. Okay na simula un :)

Saturday, 3:44 am; nung huling makatanggaap ako ng mensahe mula sa’yo. Masakit, ,magulo , malungkot, unfair. Yan ang nasa isip ko ngayon. Lunes na, pero wala pa din. Wala naman akong natatandaang nagawa or nasabi ko na mali. Pero bakit wala ka na agad. Isang linggo lang tayong nagkausap at isang taon na hindi nagkausap. Pero iba ang naging dating mo saken. Hindi ko alam pero parang feeling ko IKAW na yung hinahantay ko eh pero mali pala ako. 

Handa na pa naman akong magbago para sayo. Totoo pala yung sinasaba na may mga taong dadaan sa buhay naten para marealized naten yung mga bagay na dapat mabago saten. Yung mga bagay na dapat ayusin naten. Mga bisyo na dapat iwasan dahil hindi naman talaga ito nakakatulong saten eh. Nakakasama pa nga minsan. 

Two nights ago, I had an argument with my sister. I felt betrayed when she told me about her plans after graduating. She promised me that she’ll work in Dubai for 2 years to help our parents. However, for some reason she changed her mind. She wants to stay in Philippines instead. I found it so ridiculous! Who would want to stay in there and work? Only a fool maybe! Well I’m not one of those fools! I was so upset so I cried and decided not to talk to her anymore. I won't have anything good to say anyway. Few minutes later, I stood up and went to the balcony to get some air. I really need a breather. Despite of the fact that I hated my sister's idea, I can't help myself to be amazed on how she manage to take a stand for it. I never thought she will change her mind because knew how much she wanted to work in Dubai. April knew that I will not accept this silly thought. So she tried to change my mind by explaining her reasons for staying. She said she don't want to be leave our parents and most of all from her boyfriend. I know how much she loves Ej. She had invested a lot to this guy. I can’t blame her he is a good man. They have been together for 4 years. It was tough but they manage to stay strong and make everything workout fine.

Suddenly I feel so alone. I got no one to talk to. It made me realised how awful I am. Of course I wouldn’t understand her decision. I don’t have anyone to cherish. I got nobody but myself. So I sob. I asked God these questions, “ Why am I alone?” “What is your plan for me”, “Will I stay like this my entire life? ”.. I still got a lot of questions but I won’t mention it all. But the bottom line is I don’t want to be alone forever. I want to be with somebody too. I want to experience how to love and be loved at the same time. Coz this past few days I feel empty. Actually, I’ve been empty for quite some time now. All I do was work, party, church and be alone. It had been a cycle. A cycle that should be destroyed. Does these things made me happy ? Yes, but not for long. I’m so tired of being alone. I need love.comfort.joy. I need life in my life. I tried to talk to my best friend. Like the usual. Coz he was always there for me. But this time he is no longer there. He is not the same anymore. I changed him. I made him hate me. Though I was being honest about how I felt for him. I hurt him. Maybe we were not meant to be lovers. We are just bound to be friends. We did made each other feel special in some ways. But what we didn’t realise was we used just each other. We leaned on each other coz we knew we both need the same thing. Company.Someone who would just care to listen. Maybe I was just lonely. So I have mistaken appreciation as love. You had made a lot of things goods for me. You have exerted a lot efforts to make me feel special, something that was never done by anyone before. That’s why I thought I liked you. But I didn’t. I never did. Now, I have lost a very good man, my only friend. Though we still talk to each other. I knew deep inside it will never be the same again. I still feel the need to explain my actions. But somehow I knew I should stop coz its tiring. So I gave up. I let you go. Coz I know I will just hurt you more if I let you stay.

This thought made me cry some more.I cried and cried until I got tried. Then , my silly phone got crazy again. I got disconnected from the wifi so I needed to stop crying and get inside the house. Luckily, my connection got restored by my lovely friend. After a little while. I got a message from a friend. His name is Rad. He said “musta”. We haven’t spoken for a while. So I was so excited to finally talk to him again. I have a crush on him.Ever since I met him. I remember that time when he bought a medicine for allergy. He was so kind for doing that. We never got the chance to talk again since then. Coz he was kinda snobbish I guess. He only greets me and then walk away. It was always like that so I thought he was never into me. I'm totally not his type. He was just being kind to me that one night. I don’t what has gotten into me. I have confess my feels for him. I told him I have a crush on him. This may seem like a teenager story to others. But this was a new thing for me. It’s not my thing. But I did it anyway thinking that what’s the worst that could happen. He is far away anyway. Surprisingly, he seem amused. We had exchange text messages. I was really happy. Coz we never talk for more than 10 minutes coz I don't want to give any idea that I like him. Though we been talking thru fb a couple of times already. Our conversations were never this exciting. Lol. This makes me feel like I’m a teenager.This was the first good thing that ever happened that day. It was totally boring day. But he was able to make it a bit better.

We spent hours texting in Facebook. I was so surprised about him. He seem to be so happy talking too. I find him really cute. He is just so different from the other guys I've known.

If you know me very well. You wouldn’t think that I will like him. Coz he wasn’t the kind of guy I usually get attracted to. Most of the time, I fell for the bad boys. Someone who has a pretty face, tall, fit and tattoed. I don’t know I have a little something for guys with ink. They look fierced and strong for me. Well anyway going back. This guy Rad. He is kinda bit on the opposite side of these characteristics.

Rad has a sweet face. He is not even taller than me, he doesn’t have abs and he is a bit chubby actually. My Rad is more like a ‘boy next door ’ type. But I like him that way he is. Somehow he got my attention. I was never focus on thing but this guy has totally got me. He is mysterious. He is kind but he is frank. Which is really attractive for me because I feel like he is always honest.

So we spent more time talking thru Skype. It was wonderful. I was so happy seeing him smile. Hearing him laugh. Getting to know him more is exciting. I like the way he teases me. It’s really cute. We stayed up late until 5am. Imagine that? The next day we still talked. It’s still wonderful. He had confessed something to me. Which is adorable. Who would want to share something so personal to a stanger? Maybe somehow, I don’t feel like a stranger to him. How cute again. Lol. I wonder how many times I used the word ‘cute’ on him. Lol.

Liquor is bad … but there is one thing good about drinking. It makes me brave. It makes me admit things that I have been denying for the a long time.

I was sad an hour ago but now I’m okay again. Lol. At least I tried to talk to him again. At least I had the chance to make him feel that I still care for him. But this will be the end of it..I won’t call or text him again. This will be the last time that he will hear from me.

There are times in my life where I wonder why am I alone? I can’t say that I am not worthy of any kind love, coz I know for a fact that I could give more than a normal being could give. One thing I know for sure. I tend to push away all the people who loves me. For some reason, I just can’t connect with them? It felt strange. Weird even.. and more like crazy.

I know I hurt you. Maybe not. maybe I did a lot more that? I just want you back in my life tabs. I miss all our non sense long conversations. I wanna share a lot of things with you again..just like what we were before. I have loved you more than a brother but I don’t know why I can’t take you as a lover. God knows I tried but I just cant change what’s in my heart. I just wanna tell you how much I cared for you. I still wanna know new things about you. I wanna be part of your life though you so reluctant this thought..I hope you forgive me for all the the shit things I have done. I know you’re still mad but I just wanna tell you how sorry I am.

I loved you but I guess it’s not enough. I should work on myself. Try to figure ways to make my dreams come true. I just hope that when the time comes that I can finally to stand up for my love .. you still be there and fight with me.

I don’t have much to say. I am so bored life. I want something new. Something interesting. I was thinking of going out, but i spent money which is really not possible coz I got nothing to spend anyway.