CAN I GO, WHERE YOU GO...

I didn’t know that the hardest part of being a woman is when you begin to conceive a child. Like you’re are getting weaker,emotionally, physically and mentally. The way how many procedures need to take, how much pain needs to experience all at once. I thought it’ll be easy for me and just doing my usual routine but it’s not good for the baby. I wanted to act normal so the same routine but the struggle is real.

Why do I’m feeling that he treated me a bit off lately, it seems that no more respect at all. I thought he’s the kindness but sometimes he such things that made me upset. He cornered me a couple of times already enough to nearly break my arms of too much grip of me. I know some time was just a joke but he makes it full force until I let go.

The last few weeks was so exhausting, it’s like I need to prepare everything straight away. I have to do this and that that sometimes all I wanted is to just cry out loud. It’s like it’s really hard for me doing all of this alone. Like what should I do, what’s best thing to do?. Some gave me other options, my mind lighten up again, and then it doesn’t , so I need to think another way again. Then another suggestion comes up again and then still not enough. It’s like I’m always short of time. Chasing the time day by day and I don’t know what to do. If, should I still fight for this or not anymore. Or enough then find another place. But at the back of my mind go for it, heaps of people are rooting on me. That I can do it, that God always have a better plan for me. Never leave me since day one. It’s like I can give up everything again for this. Why it’s too hard for me, time still short no matter what they say.

I hope this coming more months i won’t chase the time anymore. I hope that I have enough time to prepare to face everything. And next week God, for our appointment to the lawyer, whatever he’s decision I will respect it. I can’t change his mind, if he doesn’t want it’s fine God. I know you have better plan for me just in case. Please protect my heart and soul God, coz I only have you I my life. Please still show me the way, which step should I take again for this new chapter of my life.

You know what the crazy thing is, I don’t want to continue the relationship papers anymore after weeks and days of thinking of and I even asked him to do it straight away because of my situations that needs to be solve as soon as possible. But he doesn’t want to talk about it because he have plans to do it someday, yes he have point. I know he wants to plan it and prepared for it, not just like doing it without any pressure. Then yesterday as I talked to Mather at home, she I lightened me about my decision. Don’t rush things coz I have still heaps of options and that paper is not the only solutions. I have still enough times long way to go but I’ll get there soon. And now the registration emailed and ours is approved and they’ll send the certificate for a week. Like whoah! It blocked my mind again

He picked me up too early today after my work. You know what I got surprised about it coz normally I'll go home first then he'll picked me up at my place. But because he finished early so I don't have any options but to get in the car. And the crazy thing was, I composed myself that after work go home straight away at home and then took a shower and fixed myself before meeting him. It didn't happen coz he's at my workplace waiting patiently.

Coz he told me last night that he'll buy me pillow thats why he decided to meet me earlier than the usual time. So, I got surprised again coz he bought set of it and it cost a bit expensive. Of course he doesn't care again how much he'll need to spend.

I asked him to join me today for my laser and he waited for me more than half and hour. But before that he's late again for almost an hour of course, I'm a bit upset again coz he told me that he's on his way but still not coming. He could me but I didn't answer his call, I just feel irritated and wanted to leave him and go by myself. second calls I answered, then when I finally see him I feel a lille bit aloof but so I asked him again and he told me that his sister and nephews comes to their house. If he said to me ahead of time I wouldn't asked him to come with me, and ill asked him to come after my appointment. So, he am I guilty mode again, but after all he still choose to come with me. He's the sweetest another points of him again.

Every time that we had time together, he makes sure that everything will be smooth and amazing. Like today he knows that I'm a bit upset again coz it took him too long again to come over. I asked him to come early so that we can come back home early as well coz we had work tomorrow and needs to wake up early.

I feel disappointed with him since Saturday the day when I woke up. Then saw his message that he just got home 6am and can't make it. Then he told me to just send my details to him and he'll transfer straight away once he wake up. After seeing his message I feel sad coz you know why? I've been waiting for him for a couple of weeks and all i want is to hug him tightly that day. But he canceled our plans together. He never say sorry just that kind of message that make me sick of him.

You know what I hate about myself, is that... she's good in pretending, she's good in pretending that everything is fine but it is not. You're not okay but you gonna hide it to everyone, that you need to smile to all of them even though behind those smiles is a broken smile that no one would ever notice. You keep on trying to hold back those tears from falling coz you don't want to let anyone knows how are you feeling right now. Trying so hard to control the emotions that wanted to explode in a minute.

You don't have to explain yourself.

Let them realize how much the damage that they have been done from you.

Be still good, but you're will never be the same again they way they get used to it. Coz the old Cristina is gone.

05.09.23

I feel so overwhelmed since the day I begin to work at the Deli Section, last August 28, they’re so nice to me most especially Cat and P’On, they always check me out every time I do something for them. That first day working with them Cat offered me a drink, which is she bought Tea for me every time I work with them. Then there’s one time I didn’t know she bought me Tea already, how sweet she is. also P’On always made me bread rolls and put delicious salami’s and any type of meat in the Deli for me. The best part is being with them they let me try everything name it, it so funny right? Them when they cut the good one they let me try it also, and they said “ try this and that its nice”. Honestly I enjoyed being with them even though we didn’t talk much when it busy, serving and doing about work. Mostly we just smiled each other then go on to work again. 

Then last Sunday, I didn’t mean to invite Cat to go home together, yet she waited me until 6pm with my surprised she offered to drove me home even though its out of her way. Like God, seriously! Everyone is offering to drove me home even though it’s out of their way. Also, we had small chat together like, she’s so sweet as well, I can feel it. The way she always asked me to stay with them and help them do some in the Deli. She doesn’t even mind to drove me home or wait for me. 

Today, she waited me also for half an hour just to go home together, to the point she came to my place just to tell me that she’ll wait for me at the back. How sweet of her that’s the second time also yesterday, her and bigbruh came to me just to asked me if I’m willing to extend my shift in order to help her at the Deli. She’s so happy as well, like waiting for me to be there. They’re so cute as well.

 So amazing how good people they are to me. The way they take care of me here. Even though we barely know each other, yet they don’t even hesitate to help or treat me more than I could even imagine. 

I also remember one time, Reshu called me by my name at the back while I’m at the register, because Cat’s wondering who is Cristina. And then every time she went to pay here food Cat always comes to me. As I see the way she smiled anywhere when we bump into each other. Now, I didn’t know how it begin but we can tease each other already. Like she shared some of here’s to my surprise.