I Am Invincible

It never gets easier. If anything, it gradually gets worse as each of the days lost increase in number.

There’s so much you’re missing. So much I want to share. I finally made it, but you’re not here to celebrate with me. It sucks, man.

I have fantasies in my head about finally seeing you again and filling you in on everything - the good and the bad. Though I can’t help but wonder, will any of it still matter by then?

If there’s any part of me left after death, then I’ll make sure that all of this still matters. Nothing in heaven, in hell, or on earth will ever make me let go of what I love.

I fascinated by how the album so seamlessly bounces around between styles while still maintaining its coherence.

I watched a video of Gautier Serre explaining the production of the album. He sought out uncommon instruments and even went so far as to create some of his own to achieve just the right sound.

The album is a masterclass in production, arrangement, and raw technical ability, and the attention to detail is nearly unmatched. It’s an incredible experience.

Losing someone close to you fucks you up in an irrevocable way. Nothing ever again feels right. Nothing feels complete. You get through life, check off milestones and accomplishments, maybe even nail some goals - all in an effort to create as normal a life as you can from whatever you can salvage. But something is always missing.

Every time you have a moment that makes you smile, it fades when you realize the moment could be better if only that one missing piece were in place. It's not there though. Your puzzle is permanently unfinished.

Many years have now passed and I'm getting older, but still no closer to any sense of closure. Ironically (or maybe paradoxically), I don't even desire closure anymore. It's difficult to describe because there's a nihilistic element to it, but I'm not accepting of my loss. It's a painful wound that never closes, and I pack it with salt to remember who I am for the rest of my life. I am damaged by what has happened and worse off for it, but that's ok.

While 2024 was mostly shit, the Cure dropped a mind-blowingly good album that will take me another several years to fully process. With "Songs of a Lost World,” Robert Smith proves he's still got it with hauntingly beautiful, layered melodies and perfectly crafted words.

Amid so much awfulness in the universe, it's wonderful to see a legend keep being a legend.

Best of 2023

My favorite album of 2023 was “Foregone” by In Flames. It was a solid return to form for a band that spent the last few albums experimenting with mixed results.

As I get older, I am increasingly concerned that the heavier bands I like are becoming less consistent in their intensity. In Flames was one of the bands that had me feeling this way for a while. It’s not that I didn’t like the newer releases. In fact, I thought they were great. However, it sometimes felt like I was listening to something too accessible at times.

I need that rebellious and sometimes abrasive edge to keep me feeling the fire inside. Otherwise, I may as well just listen to top 40 pop music.

Hey dude,

I thought tomorrow was your birthday. I got my dates mixed up. I figure you would think it was funny and not really care.

Some more things have changed, like always. Each year, things feel about the same, but they're not. Little by little, everything is different.

It's hard for me to keep track of time lately. I've always had that problem, but it seems to be getting far worse as I get older. Maybe everybody has the problem more as they age. I remember these things as though they were only a couple of days ago, but it turns out they may have been over a decade ago.

I wish you could see mom and dad. I know they miss you. I do too.

Here's "Black Dove"

Happy birthday, dude.

Things are changing in that awful inevitable way in which things change.

Soon I'll be one of the only people left who remembers you.

It's ok though. At least I still remember. In spite of the pain, I'm grateful.

My favorite album of 2021 has been Death From Above’s “Is 4 Lovers.”  

I don’t feel like explaining to you why I enjoyed it so much.  Just check it out.  

46 today, dude. That woulda been crazy. How much longer can this keep going?

It's like this unique pain that nobody can understand. Nobody can offer comfort because they just don't know this particular feeling. Even the best intentions fall short.

Mostly, others want you to stop feeling bad about it because it makes them feel bad. They basically just want you to quit spilling all of your sadness on them. They do their best to get you to stop reminding them of how fragile and hollow life really is. Nobody likes staring into the void.

Reeder - The Ghost In Your Piano - Climb

https://iamreeder.bandcamp.com/album/the-ghost-in-your-piano