his agapetos

Hi, I’m ________.

I’m a Junior, soon to be Senior.

I’m here to give Glory to God.

I’m here to talk about what it feels, what it’s like to live as His precious daughter, and with anxiety, and with depression.

So, hear me out.

x

Maybe it’ll go away if I was an extrovert who loved to spend time with people because that’s what gets me out of bed and gives me energy.

Maybe it’ll go away if I actively shared what I’m feeling most days to my friends, and engaged with my thoughts on a daily basis.

Maybe it’ll go away if I went to a Christian therapist instead of a CAPS therapist so we both could be on the same page.

But I’m not an extrovert, I’m an introvert so I like to spend time with myself, and #regret most of the plans I make with people.

But I’m not free of anxiety, so I avoid confronting my thoughts, avoid walking back to Rende because I forgot the chili sauce and somebody observe that I’m back and think I am weird, and I get easily overwhelmed by social events.

But I barely have $200 in my bank account, so I can’t afford a Fuller therapist, unfortunately.

But you know, of course I prayed about these things.

If any of you had that  thought in these past 10-15 seconds that I should pray about it, what makes you think I hadn’t?

x

Someone once asked me how could I be anxious

How could I be depressed

If I believed in Jesus.

Then they asked me why Jesus hasn’t healed me.

Then they asked me if I’ve ever prayed for healing.

And we’re back at that rhetorical question I asked earlier,

What makes you think I haven’t tried?

And of course, they asked me if I’ve ever read Matthew 6:25-34.

And my answer is: I didn’t merely read it, I have studied it, with my multi-colored MUJI pens and study Bible.

But here I am.

I’m anxious.

I’m depressed.

And I believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior, and my Lord.

And to be all three is really freaking hard.

x

Some of you know that I’m a leader in this fellowship.

That I lead small group.

If you’re in my small group, it’s on Wednesdays.

Sometimes it starts at 7PM (But that’s only if I had community dinner by myself during the only time slot I actually want to be eating with people.)

Sometimes it starts at 7:15PM. Sometimes it starts at 7:30PM.

Sometimes I wait till 8PM for the one member with a meeting or an event who said they might make it.

Sometimes it’s just me.

And Jesus.

x

And then Jesus goes

“Diana, why are you sad?”

“Nobody showed up today.” I said.

“I’m here.” Jesus said, quietly.

“Yeah, but I can’t lead you in Bible study and ask what you’re calling yourself to do this quarter because you’re not an overcommitted freshman who might burn out their sophomore year and have a mid-college crisis.”

And then Jesus says, quietly: “Do you believe that I have everything in your life taken care of?”

That particular day, I didn’t believe.

Some days, I believe it.

Most days, I’m having those sorts of conversations.

x

For me, as someone who has anxiety, and is depressed, I have two extremes:

I’m optimistic for others.

I’m pessimistic for me.

I believe for others.

I fail to believe for me.

I know how to encourage someone to get out of their bed, to shower for the day, to stop binge-watching Netflix, to stop putting their identity on a test grade, to tell them they are beautiful and can eat more than 2,000 calories a day, that they’re intelligent, that they have friends to go to who aren’t busy, aren’t tired, aren’t overly committed, that they have people who love them, and check up on them, and know when you’re in the room.

I can do all these things for someone else, but I can’t do it for me.

And I want someone to do all these things for me.

And I believe Jesus will do these things for someone else.

x

God’s grace and God’s mercy are renewed afresh every morning,

And every morning I find it really freaking hard sometimes to believe that Jesus can do it for me.

Sometimes I hear him.

Sometimes I feel him skipping next to me when I’m walking to class.

Sometimes I hear him tug my shirt asking to share my day with him.

Sometimes I pray and it’s good.

Sometimes I pray and it’s not good.

Sometimes I have a worship session in my thoughts and I praise him.

Sometimes I don’t speak with him, and I wonder if he was ever there.

So why am I still here?

Why haven’t I just stopped believing?

Well,

Since I am depressed,

Since I am anxious,

There are a lot of rock bottom moments.

You turn to other things to fill yourself up.

They’re all sinful.

And they don’t work.

It’s like addiction: you don’t continue to take the drug for whatever pleasurable effect it initially gave you; you take it to avoid and relieve the symptoms of withdrawal.

And since you feel and experience these rock bottom moments so many times...

So. Many. Times.

You know a taste of what it is like for life to be empty of Jesus, and what Jesus offers.

There is this quote I like.

I remembered that I found it on tumblr, so I dug through the archive so I could properly give credit:

"You will never know the fullness of Christ until you know the emptiness of everything else but Christ.” — Charles Spurgeon

I have to remind myself this, daily.

Sometimes every couple of hours.

Sometimes every hour.

Sometimes every minute.

God’s grace and God’s mercy are renewed afresh every morning, and I have to fight to believe.

x

I haven’t had many moments where I feel the fullness of Christ.

But Jesus brought me here because He knew if I wasn’t here, I don’t know if I’ll be breathing.

He brought me here because He wanted to work on my issues with money, and with my parents, and for me to appreciate that they are healthy, that they can support our large family, and that they are willing to reply to my text messages with broken English at 1AM despite me being a really angsty and selfish teenager growing up.

He brought me here because He wanted me to see how my aunt and uncle live life as believers who never judge and they are some of the most selfless and loving people I know. They house me, feed me, encourage me in their subtle ways, and pray for me.

He brought me here because He knew that in those rock bottom moments, that I’d look back to when He always came through on financial aid even though my FAFSA said my family had money, or when I barely had enough for gas and He let my father know that I needed money, or when I was managing a crappy lab and it was a bad place to work so He pulled me out, or when I needed roommates and was so sure I’d be lonely my third year and blessed me with two wonderful roommates even though they never check when I’m napping, or all those times I almost died driving because #LAtraffic, or when I had to street park for a year, and usually gave me a nice spot on Gayley, or when I asked my sister for a bag of coffee beans from Austin, and she sent me three. I can list more, but He’s always provided in abundance. Always. I can witness to that.

So, I’m sorry if you wanted me to tell you I’m no longer depressed, no longer suffering from anxiety.

Or that I can finally sleep well, and have good dreams. (I don’t)

Or that I don’t have migraines that keep me in bed the whole day. (My meds don’t really work)

Or that I wish that I had a migraine so I don’t have to go to class.

But I’m still depressed.

Still anxious.

Still suffering.

But Jesus tells me this every morning: “Diana, I am enough.”

It has slowly become the only thing I need to hear to believe.

“Diana, I am enough for you.”

But know this if you haven’t been paying attention this whole time because I’m not the most vibrant nor entertaining person to come up here and give an inspiring testimony:

That Jesus is, has been, and will forever be enough.

Thank you for community! I had such a smooth move in, which was such a contrast from last year. Thank you also for all the wonderful street parking spaces that you have graciously provided! 

God I ask that you strengthen me. I received a parking ticket from an expired meter, although I know for sure that I had enough time to purchase the things I needed, I know that it was the work of the Devil. This is to try to discourage me, and that my weak point has always been money/finances. I ask that you strengthen me in obedience, and in submission. I am okay with the ticket, as the money in my bank account is truly yours. 

There is so much to be thankful for, as there is so much to be praying for.

Lord, forgive me for not spending time with you these past few days as I got caught up in my tiredness, my fears and insecurities as I enter leadership in my fellowship. I still need to be disciplined in seeking my daily bread, and seeking your presence daily. I also need to constantly remind myself that I cannot go far, and will fail if I rely on my own strength and means, but that with you, I can do anything. 

God...I just want to truly thank you for bringing me here to UCLA, and to these wonderful sisters and brothers, and to this community, and to all the experiences since. Yes, my heart aches every time I have to ask my mother to put money into my bank account to pay for tuition, and for housing. Yes, my heart hurts looking at my financial aid, and at my loans. Yes, my hands tremble, and I break down when I think about all the debt that will be on my shoulders and in my name when I finally graduate.

But God, you have my back right? This burden is not entirely mine to carry, and that I can give it to you in exchange for yours, which is so light, so joyous, and so free.

Thank you for loving me God. For all the blessings. 

In Jesus’ name I pray,

Thank you for a wonderful night of rest! It was one of the first in which I did not rely on music and my imagination to enter into sleep so I praise you for that!

I also thank you for the weather. It’s gloomy, a bit cold, and it seems that L.A. will get it’s rare chance at some rain, but it’s a perfect day to be reading, and to be at home, which are two things I need to be doing.

Thank you also for the privilege of a car, and being able to drive out to a coffee shop to read and study/ponder/look at your word! I ask that you continue to poke at me to open my aesthetic Proverbs study guide daily (as I should’ve finished it over the summer, but...) and that you bless the rest of today as I need to unpack from the summer, and pack once again to move in for the school year.

God I just ask that you help me with finding an accountability partner as well as someone to disciple me. I believe I need both in order to work on my spiritual disciplines, to seek a deeper relationship with you, and to receive breakthrough. I am someone who is sort of a lone wolf, but I do deeply desire to be sought out by people, and at times, I confess, I desire the love and care of others above you. I don’t know if these feelings of being lonely, of not being sought out, and not being missed are all to guide me back to you, and to remember that I am never truly lonely, never truly cared about, and never truly missed because I have you. 

It’s either going to be the most difficult year of my life Lord, or the best, or maybe both. I just ask that at the end, I am becoming more and more like the person you’ve created, and more and more like what Jesus modeled during his time on Earth. 

Thank you for life God!

In Jesus’ name I pray,

Can you provide for me and my family this year? I have no idea how you can provide for me and my family financially this year to pay for the huge amount I need in order to continue to attend university. It is a lot, and when my mom shared that she will be borrowing from family members to make the tab every quarter, I became ashamed. 

Yes, I know that you called me to UCLA. I know that it was in your will for me to go, or else I would have not been accepted. 

But it is so hard to ask my mom for the money for tuition and for housing every year, and every quarter. It is such a huge sum of money God. 

So I just ask you to provide that money for me and my family God. Take this financial burden God. 

Every time my heart aches, and my mind worries over finances, please bring peace over me, and remind me to trust in your goodness. You provided for my summer abroad in Korea, and even when I was in China. I KNOW that you are always faithful, and that you will always come through, but I admit that there are days when I forget and I become consumed in my worry.

There are days when I cry because I regret coming to UCLA and taking on this heavy financial burden so early on in my life. God, please remind me that I did not take this burden on my own, and that I did not place this burden onto my family, but that you have been with us from the beginning, and even before, and that you have already taken care of this, and that I am in your wonderful hands. 

I know that you will use my time at UCLA for your glory, and my degree for your glory. I know that my time at this university will pave the way you have already written for me.

I know all of this yet, I am so scared, and so anxious. Please God, bring me peace over this.

I pray this is Jesus’ name,

Dear God,

I’m sorry I haven’t been speaking with you even though I begged you for about a quarter (10 weeks) for you to let me come to Korea. You showed me how faithful you are by changing my parents hearts. You showed me how you provide just enough and even more than expected. And yet the moment I got here, I fell and became obsessed with how others perceived me.

I ask for forgiveness Lord, and am ashamed that I do it on this platform rather than in my personal journal. I have neglected a lot of things, and have ignored important things in regards to school, especially in receiving my financial award letter for the upcoming year. I did not look at it as I did not want to be disheartened while preparing for an exam, or when I was writing a paper for class, or when I was expecting a quiz. I looked at it and cried, and then ignored it for a couple of days before sharing it, finally, with my mother. 

Even after receiving so much from you at Catalina, I still did not run to you to ask for your comfort, and your provision. You have been faithful every single time God. I know it. If my parents love someone as broken as me, and are willing to do so much for me, then how vast and deep is your love for me?

I always feel ashamed to ask you to humble me, remind me, and renew me every time I pray, and at some point, I grew tired of asking for it, but I am reminded of Luke 18:1-8

1 Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. 2 He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. 3 And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’

4 “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”

6 And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7 And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”

So God, I ask for all of those things, but above all, ask for the persistence that the widow has: for me to come to you for all things, big or small, like a reflex. I want to wake up, and praise you before the day begins, and fall asleep praying to you. Let me walk and experience the day in your eyes, and not feel so tired by all the burdens, and obsessive anxiety that takes over me.

Pour your love, and your peace, and your grace, and your mercy over me.

In Jesus Christ’s name I pray,

I am not the smartest. I am not the kindest. 

I am always tired. I usually feel sad. I am occasionally happy. 

I am constantly fighting for my peace and for my joy because so many things in this world eat at it.

I am not made for so many things. I understand this. I feel it.

So what am I made for?

Are you telling me through my constant weariness that I need a big change in my life? Are you telling me that what I am doing now is not good for me?

Are you telling me that through my sadness that not only am I a broken person, but that there are so many people around me, my friends, and my family, that are also deep in their dark holes?

What are you telling me? What are you saying?

I am lost. I am confused. I am...tired.

Give me joy. Give me energy. Give me peace. Give me some answers.

Refresh my soul.

Take my burden.

There has been many times these past fews week where I’ve felt very, very close to you, and felt your warmth, your grace

And there has been equally as many time where i’ve felt so far, so naked, so covered in sin, and felt cold, lonely

God, I don’t know what I want anymore

I wanted something, or more like, I thought that I knew what I wanted

And then there is something I know I’ve always wanted

And I don’t know what to do

I don’t know how to ask anymore because I feel that I am already asking for something I already possess, something that you’ve already given me and that you’re angry that I am even asking

I admit that I am very lost right now God

I’m living that double life

One part of me seems okay, seems to be doing fine, seems to manage life

The flip side will break down and cry at the simplest crack on my fragile life

I don’t feel strong, I feel weak

i hear too many voices in my head saying that i’m not worth it

i’m not pretty

i’m not beautiful

i’m not smart

i’m not enough

but i know that you see me so differently

you say

I love the way the wind blows, the way the sun makes those pretty colors when it leaves for the moon, the way I feel when I drive, the warmth of a day full of class, work, and time with friends.

I love the way that despite having so little financially, I feel so rich. 

I love the way I feel when studying for a midterm, preparing for a final, or cramming in a paper. I feel stronger afterwards, and more determined.

I love the way I look at myself in the mirror and in my phone camera. I feel so beautiful sometimes. 

I love the way I am able to love my family, my friends, my coworkers, the random people in elevator when I ask what floor they are heading, and the people I let cut me on the freeway.

I am so blessed to be able to breathe, and to love.

God, don’t let me forget this joy, this happiness, this richness.

Teach me to give grace. Teach me to forgive.

Those kinds of falling asleep are usually out of exhaustion. Either my mind is mentally about to blow, or I did something extreme to my body and it can’t go on.

Sometimes I think I won’t be able to fall asleep, but then it hits me.

Those kinds of falling asleep usually end with me awaking with a sense of urgency. It’s kind of like the “Hollywood” way of waking up that you see in the movies, and in TV shows.

Sometimes my mind is still active and my body is so tired, and then I know it’ll be awhile until I can rest.

Those kinds of falling asleep require help.

Music.

My mind becomes like that of a child walking into a new place. Thoughts are everywhere. I can be happy, I can be in love, I can be in despair, I can be angry. All of that within an hour.

It is the music that directs my emotions, my thoughts, my imaginations. If it’s an upbeat song, I think of happy things. If it’s a sad song, I think of things that make me tear up. If it’s an intense song, I can become furious. If it’s a soft song, I think of a love I could have.

And then sometime later, my eyes droop and I pause the music. I roll over and know it is time for rest.

God why is this.

Why is my mind so active sometimes? Why do I dream like this at night? Why am I so reliant on music to help with this?

God you know what goes through my mind. You know who I am.

God tell me who I am.

I am scared at times to go to sleep because I don’t know what my mind will come up with. I don’t know how long I need to music on for. I sometimes cry myself to sleep because if I get too angry or too happy, it’ll be even longer.

I know you can help me God. I know you are speaking to me God.

I just need to hear you.