Silent Rants

Don’t tell me this is the end for us. Here’s a pen, please keep writing. I will tear down every flier, save every gum wrapper, gather all the blank pages in the world just so we can keep writing our story. I will paint the words of our love all over my body until I am nothing but color. I will write until the lamp burns out, and then light a candle and keep writing. I will scribble on the backs of bus seats and graffiti on buildings with abandoned walls. I will not let you stop us now. We can tell the most beautiful love story the world has ever heard, if we keep writing. Please take this pen.

I’m sorry Nothing about me is easy to love Especially with the walls I’ve enclosed myself in. You promised you’d never hurt me, And while I believe every bit of it, Everyone who has ever hurt me Promised me the same thing. I don’t know how to trust people, And I don’t know how to stop this Intense urge to run. I’m sorry That I can’t seem to remember that you love me Unless I hear you say it. It’s not an easy thing to remember When I can’t find a single thing I love about me Even after nineteen goddamn years. I’m sorry Hating myself is as easy to me as breathing Especially in this godforsaken town, Where I’m receding back into old habits And turning into the version of myself I loathed enough to try to kill it completely, And I don’t think there’s a thing I can do to stop it. I’m sorry All I can do is whisper apologies instead of fixing a thing. Self destruction has always been one of my finer skills. I’m sorry

The first night we stayed awake With confessions pouring from our lips As easy as air, He laced his fingers through mine and whispered “They fit pretty well together.” And my words were too jumbled to leave The tip of my tongue. The night he held me so tightly Like I just might shatter if he let go, He watched the tears leave my eyes And shower over him like raindrops, He whispered in my ear “You need me, and I need you.” And All I could think of was how He was making promises he couldn’t keep. Now months later, Those words are empty Like his smile and my eyes.