and all that jazz

But Constantine said the two were their best bet against the demon uprising. The magic-user, howeover, refused to contact them himself, claiming that it was a bad idea to involve them, that they were better off dealing with the problem on their own than . . . outsourcing. Unfortunately, Tim (and the rest of the Batfamily really) was stubborn. If they had potential allies to help them, wouldn't it be worth to take the risk?

This mission to contact those people then dragged him to a downtown bar to talk to famous designer Marinette Dupain-Cheng, who he was ninety-five percent sure was one of the two Constantine was talking about.

Tim told himself that perhaps a little bit of sweet-talking would do. His hand inched closer to hers on the tabletop, but she immediately pulled away. "This night has been fun, Monsieur Drake." She smiled sweetly. "But I don't think my husband will appreciate me staying out late."

She showed him a glowing band on her finger, which Tim completely missed when they met. He, too, pulled away, cheeks turning pink. "Uhh, yeah, sorry 'bout that. Don't let me keep you."

Although Marinette had slipped out, he still had a mission to do.

He decided to follow her.

He knew of her potential danger, signified by the fact that she was walking on a dark, deserted, Gotham street by herself. He held his breath when she stopped right below a flickering lamppost.

She turned around, plump red lips stretching into a sinister smile. "That's quite sneaky of you, Monsieur Drake. Why don't you be direct with what you want, hm?"

And he took a step out of the shadows, dropping his act. "We need your help."

"Who told you about me?"

". . . John Constantine."

Her nose wrinkled. "That soul-whore? Figures."

Tim definitely didn't show it, but the way she stood, her mere presence was unnerving like a beast waiting to pounce. But at the same time, she was so unfairly beautiful even in the darkness.

Marinette smoothed down her hair. "What makes you think we're willing to help?"

Tim's eyebrows raised. "'We'?"

A sudden chill arrived with the wind, summoning goosebumps all over his skin. The lamp switched off in a blink, and when it turned on again, a shadow had appeared beside Marinette, which morphed into a human. Or at least he thought it was a human.

"Yes, 'we'," a new voice said. "She and her husband."

Fuck. The man was dressed in elegant clothes, a perfect match with his wife. His hair was slicked back but with strands softly falling on top of his ethereal eyes. Tim swore those were fangs under his pale lips, sharp like the gaze he was shooting at him. Both his deep blue eyes and Marinette's seemed to shine under the moonlight.

Peak comedy if she has a human name and it's long enough before Ilya first hears about her that she thinks they've had a baby and just kept it on the DL.

Love your fics, the rate you get them out is awe-inspiring

first of all: the idea of ilya in the shane/rose era hearing them on a stealth insta video someone took and posted laughing about having to get home to "the baby" and "priscilla is going to be missing us, shane! she's going to wonder where mommy and daddy went!"

(and like. it's SO a joke. rose and shane found this scrawny little kitten on a date, and rose can't have any pets in her rented place in the city, but she's SO clearly in love with this tiny kitten and shane is always dedicated to being the best in Boyfriend Mode, so he offers to let her stay at his house, and she is jokingly named by the rest of the cast via vote and given a hyphenated last name, so she is princess priscilla perky pants hollander-landry.) (rose is her mom, obviously, and shane is the stepdad who stepped up and thus gets to just be called dad.)

and ilya is now running numbers in his head and even MORE crashing out because is THIS why shane ran??? he had a SECRET BABY WITH ROSE LANDRY??????? was ilya the mistress all along???? did they go public after rose secretly had the baby and shane felt guilty???

what the FUCK is happening

ilya truly unleashes a new level of demon

and then even after he finds out that priscilla is a cat and not a human baby, he still isn't safe, because priscilla is a MEAN ASS cat. unfortunately being at shane's house means her socialization was LIMITED, so she is NOT friendly when she first meets people. she's not shy and doesn't hide, but if you sit on her couch before she's decided you can, you'll WISH she was.

"We've got to get home," Landry says in the video, leaning into Shane's side outside of a chic restaurant in downtown Montréal. "Priscilla needs us. She's wondering where Mommy and Daddy went."

"Poor baby," Shane agrees, and then they get in a cab and the video ends.

So. Shane has a baby. A daughter, named Priscilla (what a horrible American name), a daughter with pretty Hollywood Rose Landry, a baby big enough to be left at home while Mommy and Daddy go on a date. Ilya's seen the X-Squad trailers. Landry's neon blue abs are rock-solid, like she was never pregnant at all. The baby must be six months, eight months, even one year old. Is she talking yet? Was her first word Daddy? Does she smile when Shane holds her, does she laugh when she hears his voice? Is she chubby and sweet, a Kewpie doll with her father's soft brown eyes?

Landry probably doesn't know her boyfriend was sneaking around with Ilya while she was pregnant. While she was on maternity leave. Did Shane kiss her goodnight before he met Ilya in his secret apartment? Did he have an ultrasound picture in his pocket when Ilya tossed his clothes to the floor?

Shane’s indiscretions were his own business. So what, he had a baby? That was fine. People had babies every day. Hayden Pike had, what, eight of them? Ilya could find someone to have a baby with if he felt like it. He just didn’t want to, was all. He was too busy being excellent at hockey. Shane probably wouldn’t be able to relate anymore. Babies took up a lot of time and energy: that was less time for practice. Soon Ilya would have the whole league to himself. He ignored the pinch in his lungs at the thought.

His phone buzzed with a text from MARLY 😎.

lol r u seeing this shit? flashed onto his screen, with a link. Against his better judgement Ilya clicked.

It was a video of Shane, in very plain workout clothes, standing awkwardly in his house. Landry was there. Ugh. Ilya nearly clicked away, until Shane started talking with the tone he used only when he made a joke—why would he be joking at a time like this—

“I’d like to formally introduce Priscilla to the world.” Shane said dryly, and he held up—

Oh.

A cat.

A fucking cat.

It was—what was the English word—calico, yes, calico, and very small: its tail was too long for its kitten body and its paws too wide for its legs, and its ears were much too big for its head. It blinked its huge green eyes and meowed, stretching its little legs towards the floor. It was gangly and only half-grown and somewhat ugly and Ilya was so fucking grateful in that moment he nearly passed out.

“Her full name is Princess Priscilla Fancy Pants Hollander Landry,” Shane said. “And she is not a human baby.”

“She’s our cat baby, though.” Landry added, and scratched behind Princess Priscilla’s ears. “She was hiding under Shane’s car all sad and hungry when we went on our second date.”

“We ditched our reservation and went to the emergency vet instead.” Shane said. “If the maître-d’ at Joe Beef is watching this, sorry about that.”

“Please don’t ban us,” Landry joked, and as Ilya watched Shane chuckle at her little quip he felt only marginally less nauseated than he had fifteen minutes earlier. But at least it wasn’t a goddamn baby.

On the screen, Landry picked up the little cat’s paw and waved it at the camera.

“Princess Priscilla says donate to your local animal shelter!” she simpered, and Shane beamed at her. Ugh. Just hearing that made Ilya feel like throwing up in his mouth. How could Shane stand to share a pet with someone like that? Ilya would certainly never do that.

Then again, that was probably the issue.

Before he could stop himself he opened up Twitter and typed “next goal I score on Montréal is in honor of new mascot priscilla.”

Second of all!!! In one of your fics you have like an almost throw away line where Hayden mentions he’s had to stop the other Voyageurs/Metros players from fucking with Shane’s food and like. Now my mind is rife with the ✨possibilities✨ of that scenario. Like. One of them adds peanuts or something to something Shane thinks is safe as a prank and Hayden doesn’t catch it and suddenly Shane is in anaphylaxis and everyone is freaking the fuck out. The next time Ilya plays Montreal that one player gets laid the FUCK out for some reason.

combo-ing with @pitrosa just because both of y'all were getting to the same DELICIOUS possibility of a wild amount of angst.

like the idea of someone fucking with shane's food at a party at jackie and hayden's place not because they know shane is allergic but because they're shitty and i 100% buy some bigoted asshole seeing it as a way shane is just trying to be special and other. so they knowingly do something like stir in some peanut butter or mix in some coconut oil. literally just something they see easily available in this one minute window in the kitchen they have when they're just being an asshole.

and even beyond just the nightmare of now shane has a reaction and this is one more thing that the team didn't know about previously and can spin into "so you didn't trust us?" IGNORING WHAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED HERE, the fact that like. now shane isn't safe eating at events. or even fucking. being at events, tbh. like GOD the isolation of your team is cold to you now and you don't know which one of them fucked with you and you don't know that one or more of them won't do it again to hurt you. and it's not like any of them are going to fess up and own it because bigots are cowards and ALSO (even though shane wouldn't do it, i don't think) this is now like. pressing charges level.

and it's ONE MORE FUCKING THING that shane was afraid of!! and then it happened to him!!! what a fucking HEINOUS contribution to his anxiety getting worse while also feeling so isolated because even if hayden and jackie are equally PISSED and still invite you over when it's just y'all and you KNOW the food is safe. what the fuck are you even supposed to do here?

and stuff with jj is SO complicated with the ilya of it all, but jj is shane's friend and i don't think?? was bad about him coming out?? (just being with ilya and not telling jj about that??) (if i remember correctly??) so we also have jj now angry on shane's behalf. and yeah, maybe he might be hurt that shane didn't tell him, but your friend having to go to the hospital has a way of kind of lining priorities up.

but like. you can only hide anaphylaxis so fucking much.

so the worst of it happens out of sight with jackie helping shane into one of the guest rooms on the first floor while hayden goes to grab his jacket for him.

and also the double whammy FURY in the aftermath of now someone has hurt hayden's best friend in his home AND scared the hell out of his children because they had to watch uncle shane get so sick and are now upset because he had to leave the house in an ambulance with mommy. and the distribution of labor in that choice was jackie also being pissed and knowing, "either i'm going in this ambulance, or i'm catching a fucking charge today." and hayden being left to try and work out what the fuck just went down here because he's equally furious but at least has some level of knowing all of the guys here, but now he's trying to get updates on shane, calm the kids down and promise them uncle shane is okay and yeah they can maybe visit him later if he feels up to it, and also work out who the fuck decided they wanted to die today.

GOD 100% I think hayden and jackie would be like YEP THAT'S DONE with hosting, but now??? soooo??? where is hosting going to happen?? ain't going to be shane's house.

and now showing up at someone's house when they host is a fucking STATEMENT, especially if it's someone who is especially notably Not Cool with shane.

and the way shane would still be taking the blame for this!! both from the shitty ones on the team and also feeling like it's his fault!! because the team is literally splintering around him and what the FUCK is he supposed to do about it!!

YOU STOP THAT

like NO of course he doesn't want this kid's career nuked because he was stupid and ended up being a patsy for fucking with shane-

-but also. he did do it.

like yeah the kid hero worshipped him in a way that was a little overwhelming but also?? kind of a relief?? when it felt like so much of the team was icing him out?? and yet when it came down to shane or the rest of the team, the rookie sided with the rest of the team to fuck with him. and he didn't KNOW it was serious, but he also didn't know it WASN'T.

and shane being so fucking angry that he knows he's supposed to forgive the kid here, but why does he ALWAYS have to be the one forgiving? why does he just have to take it on the chin and keep going and keep his head up and don't snap and don't not smile when you're supposed to and don't ever let that mask slip, young man, because it won't take much for those cheers to turn to jeers-

vladi you have to STOP speaking because you are putting broken glass in the sandbox 😭😭😭

the idea of shane who is already having A Bad Fucking Time but now feeling SO fucking guilty and using what sway he has to put spin on this through The Power Of Yuna so the kid is never going to get back on montreal obviously, but A Team will take him because he IS a good player and shane issued a statement to the equivalent of, "I appreciate the pro-active response of my team," and GOD this would fucking suck to have to read over for approval because WHAT fucking response, "but I wanted to clear up a misundestanding of an unfortunate accident blah blah blah" that's as vague as possible but absolves the rookie of any active malice and plays it off as "stupid kid did a thing without realizing it would have consequences, but i get it," which helps the kid out but also makes shane look understanding and gracious and magnanimous. he got positioned as an asshole who came down hard on a rookie for no reason, so this press release does then make it, "hey, misunderstandings happened. i didn't mean for anything to happen here."

but also just. fucks him over further. montreal looks like they were a good team that just got a little overzealous in protecting shane hollander because of COURSE you would do that for shane hollander (and god the irony is thick enough to almost SMOTHER him), and meanwhile: NOTHING IS BETTER. NOTHING IS FIXED. THE VIBES ARE STILL FUCKING RANCID. SHANE STILL CAN'T FUCKING EAT AROUND HIS TEAM BECAUSE MAYBE SAFE BUT MAYBE NOT. ESPECIALLY IF HE'S ALREADY PLAYED IT OFF ONCE AS, "misunderstanding, things happen, that's life." BUT HE'S A GOOD SPORT, EVERYONE. HE'S A TEAM FUCKING PLAYER. HE IS SHANE HOLLANDER, BEST SPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT OF THEM ALL.

AND HE IS FUCKING DROWNING IN IT.

and making this worse is that the rookie is SO fucking thankful. like his hockey HERO saved his ass here after he was stupid and could have killed him. shane has never been more of a legend to him. and the kid wants to come up to him at every game they play against each other and say thank you again which is. so not fucking helpful. for trying to Repress The Shit Out Of The All Of This. and what is shane supposed to do! tell him to fuck off??? no! can't do that! this rookie was part of a nuke designed to blow shane's life apart, but he didn't mean it and shane is SUCH a good fucking sport and that's hockey and if you're just good enough and gracious enough and work hard enough, then everyone will let you have a place, right?

#heated rivalry#I will never shut up and this is a threat >:)#But it's truly like. Shane was the one who got hurt and now every fucking thing he does is just being#The Bigger Person™ and Keeping It Together™ and Smooting Things Over™ and Calming Everyone Down™.#Like paradoxically because he was the one hurt in the situation it's now his responsibility to manage the consequences of that situation#for everyone. He's the one with the near death experience and he's also the one not allowed to feel things about that near death experience#Because his reaction is being scrutinized and will determine how EVERYONE handles this. And if he wants a good outcome i.e. keeping his job#and not blowing up the team dynamic to a truly nuclear degree...he has to downplay it. It wasn't that serious. We were all having a laugh.#Of course rookie should still play management is overreacting. No I don't feel unsafe in the locker room why would you ask that hahaha.#And at the same time he watches EVERYONE ELSE AROUND HIM get the luxury of freaking out and leaning on their partners. Ilya turning into#a white-hot ball of rage. The team closing ranks. Hayden and Jackie and JJ on their righteous crusade. The rookie breaking down in front#of him and being carried off by his boyfriend. And if SHANE allows himself even a fraction of these reactions. Or if he even indulges#in the sin of breaking down in public and having HIS boyfriend carry him off to comfort him about it. He loses something he can't give up.#Like it truly is a fucking lose-lose for Shane Hollander and the worst part is he truly doesn't have a choice in the matter.#Like there's this thing that happens when a victim of bullying speaks out about their experience where there's a big outcry and people#are like WE HAVE TO CHANGE THINGS and often the bullies themselves speak out and go WE DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT SERIOUS#WE WANT TO DO BETTER. Where you'd think this would lead to meaningful change but in reality what happens is they sit the victim down and go#“so :). Tell us what to do exactly :). So you'll forgive us :). And we're absolved :).” And then anything the victim says that isn't#YOU STOPPED BULLYING ME THIS IS ALL I EVER WANTED is proof that they just want attention. And after that sit down happens the victim isn't#allowed to have negative feelings or any kind of resentment towards the bullies anymore bc What do you mean we fixed the situation :)#and in fact the victim is often expected to kind of act as “proof” that the bullies are good people because hey look if I was a bad person#I wouldn't be friends with the guy I used to bully haha! Tell them how great I am or I'm sticking your head in the toilet again haha!#Anyways this is basically the dynamic between Shane and the team after the incident I think. Like management fired the rookie and forced#them all to sit through some training or other so now Everything Is Resolved OR ELSE. And if Shane DIDN'T try to get the rookie reinstated#and if he DIDN'T try to stick it out with the locker room and if he EVER brought it up again. Well. That's where public opinion#turns against you. Thankfully my man has Ilya & Hayden & JJ to remind him that there is a secret third option: Just Fucking Leave.#Not that Shane would out of his own free will but that's truly the only thing you can do in that kind of situation. Get out of there.#Vladi speaks

the way this ALSO then fucks him over with even being able to address homophobia on the team. like he was already trying to muscle through it, but now!! can't bring it up even if he fucking wanted to!!!! sorry, champ, you got your one (1) "hey, this sucks" card and you used it!! even though nothing changed!!! and if you try to speak out now, management is going to shut you the FUCK up because they can't risk something else happening when this ended so neatly and nicely! they look good now! they look supportive! no chance in HELL they're risking that now for a little thing like "hey, vibe's weird"!

and! if you go public about it! not that you would even fucking WANT TO! but if you tried! good chance the public wouldn't be with you! because now you would just sound whiny! like you missed being in the spotlight and had to come up with something else!

#Hayden he CAN'T he just has to be more careful - and then Ruby breaks into tears Uncle Shane you can train a dog to tell you#if you can eat something? Uncle Shane maybe you can get a dog and then you'll be safe again and you won't have to die? (bc Ruby of course i#not handling her first confrontation with mortality well and genuinely believes Shane might come in contact with something and keel over#on the street at any time) And maybe then she and Jade and Arthur and Amber can come over to his house again if the dog sniffs them#really well and makes sure she didn't accidentally touch a peanut? (all of the Pike kids have noticed Uncle Ilya is coming over alone most#of the time now and there haven't been any dinners at the Hollanov Household since the incident - though that one is coincidence).#Anyways the next week a working line German Shepherd puppy moves into Shane's appartment. Puppy showed great promise at first litter#evaluations and both parents are bomb sniffing dogs. Puppy immediately starts training and as German Shepherds do becomes SO serious#about his job. Like learns to sniff out multiple allergens and has a trained signal (paw to knee) for contamination but if he feels Shane i#getting rid of The Bad Smell fast enough he WILL start growling at the offending item. Six months into training Shane and doggo are on thei#daily morning 5 k run (working line dogs...) and suddenly dog who normally has IMPECCABLE leash manners fully starts pulling Shane off the#path with all his considerable strength. Shane is like ??????!!! turns out the guy sitting on the bench 20 m ahead was eating trail mix#containing multiple allergens. Shane feels. A lot safer going places after that.

#Also Dog of course as German Shepherds do feels Extremely strongly about The Rules and Good Behavior and thus views Anya and her antics #Also Dog of course as German Shepherds do feels Extremely strongly about The Rules and Good Behavior and thus views Anya and her antics#with a sort of stressed bafflement at first (Shane said sit why aren't you sitting???!!!) and aloofness once Hollanov more in together and#thus the dogs now live together too (Shane said sit and she's not sitting... couldn't be THIS good boy...). Ilya of course tries to#introduce some fun into dogs life because Shane look at him always so serious he has to be on vacation SOMETIMES!! Maybe at least at the#cottage yes there are no allergens at the cottage AND nobody but your parents visits he can be on vacation at the cottage at least!!!#Only Ilya's methods for introducing fun into dogs life are tailored to Absurdly Treat Motivated Counter Surfer Unholy Terror For A Little#Cheese Anya and dog is simply Above Such Nonsense (read: toy motivated) and as such couldn't care less about whatever special treat you hav#in your hand No Thank You he is Getting His Leash it is Mandatory Daily Exercise Time. But once Ilya finds the perfect squeaky toy it's#OVER for Mr Serious (it's a loon) (because of course it is) (have some dog content as apology for putting glass in the sand box)#Also I think he has a cheesy Russian name like Sputnik or Belka and it is genuinely a coincidence that's literally his kennel name but Shan#can't help feeling that it's right that the dog training to keep him safe is named in the same language as the man who's been doing that#for years already :)#Vladi speaks#Reblogging again because TUMBLR ATE HALF OF MY TAGS!!!

@shakespearerants

I WOULD DIE FOR SPUTNIK

i also love the idea of this near-puppy being SO deadly fucking serious about his job. he is "MR. PRESIDENT GET DOWN" levels of Focused on doing his tasks. if shane isn't listening to tap tap tap tap tap tap at his knee, nikky WILL just bap it right out of his hands. daddy, that is BAD. PUT IT DOWN.

also the idea of sputnik meeting anya who is a little chaos creature (affectionate) and just

at this dog who does not only not tell daddy about The Bad Foods, but also??? STEALS FOOD??? she investigated daddy's plate TO TRY AND STEAL SOME???

sputnik's fuzzy little mind is BLOWN. baby came from a working! family! this behavior is BEYOND THE PALE.

and i'm cackling about the idea of this near-puppy just YELLING at anya because no!! the rules!! you are not doing The Rules!!!! nikky is POINTEDLY doing a PERFECT sit. you want a shake paw? he'll give you the best shake paw this town has ever seen. goodest boy is a DELIGHT on the leash meanwhile wild child sister is a little MONSTER who is also papa's little princess so her correction is tragically limited lmao.

AND SPUTNIK HAVING A VACATION EACH YEAR. I AM SO FULL OF LOVE AND LIGHT. nikky with his loon toy on his patio bed chilling in the sunshine and squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak until anya comes over to lovingly bother him into a game of bitey face.

and baby fucking LOVES the water. he will dive after his toy into the water as many times as you'll sit there and throw it for him. he is a water! baby! having the time of his LIFE.

but also SUCH a polite boy going back to the house. has to get rinsed off of the lakewater and always stands so well at the door with SUCH good manners to get his paws wiped off before he goes inside. world's best little rule maker AND follower.

meanwhile if that sliding door is juuuuuust big enough for anya's to squeeze through while someone is handing a towel over??? enjoy the mud monster beelining RIGHT for the couch lmao.

also the idea of anya putting together food=tap on knee=reward??? but not really knowing what connection there is there meaning that anya teaches herself "slap the SHIT out of people's knees" as a trick NO ONE WANTS HER TO BE DOING.

GOD the idea of sputnik the goodest boy who loves his job SO much that he'll answer to anything if it sounds like Work Voice (as opposed to anya, who decides on a case-by-case basis if she'll answer to her one (1) name lmao). running list of things sputnik is regularly called and answers to both at home and at work

sputnik

spud

potato

tater

tater tot

sputnicholas

nikki

sputnikolai

kolyenka

kolyan

kolenka

kolya

coleslaw

cabbage

houndzy

AND SPUTNIK AND HIS EMPLOYEE BADGE. I SCREAM. the idea of The Goodest Boy in his harness with his badge clipped on who stays RIGHT by shane unless he's on the ice (doesn't come into arenas during games, but will hang out in the offices "supervising" support staff and always comes to practices), and then he hangs out with wiebe, and there's an ongoing bit that sputnik makes the calls during practice games on fouls or disputed plays. a regular joke is wiebe putting the mic on his headset near sputnik's nose so over the speakers you just hear loud *sniff sniff sniff sniff SNIFF sniff* and then "alright, you heard him, boys. run it back."

and i feel like shane is still SO fucking resistant to sputnik going places with him at first. like this is a visible signal of I Have Needs, and that is AWFUL. he HATES IT. HORRIBLE. but it IS nice to have the reassurance of being able to have sputnik sign off on safe or not safe, and he's SUCH a good, polite boy who is so quiet and is so good at not making himself a spectacle. so shane slowly starts bringing him to practice with him and then to outdoor restaurants where they can sit on the patio because then nikki could ostensibly just be a pet dog who came along for dinner. and then one day a kid with a service dog comes up to him at a meet and greet and tells him how he saw that shane hollander has a service dog because ilya posted a clip of sputnik doing the "no! bad!" paw to show off how smart he is on his instagram and it's so cool! they both have service dogs!

and it's like...shane still never wanted to be A Role Model with everything that comes along with it, but it does make him feel different when there's a kid in front of him who is like "i think my service dog is cool because YOU have a service dog and YOU'RE cool." and like. okay. maybe he'll post sputnik a little more. and yeah, sure, maybe sputnik can go along to the next irina foundation thing.

and sputnik is a STAR at camp. the kids all get a kick out of nikki saying if food is good or bad. it becomes like. A Daily Ritual. at first shane is kind of embarassed because of all things, children, you want to watch THIS?? but fine. okay. whatever. shane doesn't understand kids but the threat of no sputnik judgement at lunch did get everyone quiet and focused. so now every day at lunch everyone sits down and heads are craning around and there is a drumroll while shane presents his lunch to sputnik, and there is a cheer like someone won a goal when sputnik says it's good. and sometimes they sneak in an allergen as practice for nikki, and the kids lose their MINDS about it when sputnik does the "no, bad" paw. it ends up being a reward prize of whoever showed the best sportsmanship the day before gets to get their lunch cleared by sputnik, too.

and finally whoever the handler is just "sorry, she's still in training." and ilya is just "ah, a professional in training. what a smart girl." "yeah, she's training to be an anxiety service dog. :)"

and ilya just looks RIGHT at shane, who is suddenly

oh my GOD, they had been fighting about getting another dog because ilya wanted anya to have a sibling and shane wanted to call it at one dog because what if the next one ISN'T good and now they're going to have two dogs AND one is a problem-

so they're already miffed at each other, and shane is convinced ilya keeps somehow signaling this dog to come over because he's being an asshole about their fight about dogs, the exchange about her being an anxiety service dog happens, shane avoids eye contact COMPLETELY and manages to fully escape standing next to ilya

but then ends up retreating to an empty conference room that the dog and handler also happen to go to as a break place for the dog, and the handler is like no worries if not it's okay but do you mind letting her practice tasking? it's really okay if not but she seems really eager-

and what is shane going to do? say no i won't help out with training this dog? no.

And there’s all this miscommunication because Ilya will occasionally mention her name/talks about her and Shane thinks that this is a real woman who is possibly a girlfriend. And he’s talking about a cat but somehow this comes across like he could be talking about a woman. So all this time, Shane thinks that Ilya and (insert name here of cat) are also friends with benefits but possibly more when in fact it’s just Ilya mentioning his cat.

So they get to the cottage and they declare they’re love and make their plan and then Ilya casually drops in “it will be a big move for (kitty) but she’ll be fine, I have a plan.”

and Shane is panicking and freaking out because what?! “I…don’t understand….”

“I will have to drive her when I move, I don’t want to take her on a plane.”

“Uh.”

“I have looked up, you know, taking them on planes and they need to go into the hold. I don’t want to do that.”

Shane is panicking and also really confused because why would a person go in the hold and -

“She will love you, I think. She doesn’t like many people but you will get on well.”

Shane is tearing up because he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on, “She’s coming to Canada?”

“Uh, yes, do you not understand how pets work Hollander? Of course, she is coming too.”

Shane takes a long moment to absorb his words and understand that this woman who he’s thought for years is very special to Ilya is in fact a pet of some sort. And so he’s kinda out of it.

Ilya doesn’t understand why Shane is being so weird, he’s not realised that he never said she was a cat.

“Wait. Are you…allergic to cats?”

Shane can’t help it, “She’s a cat?!” He realises a second too late, he’s never going to hear the end of this ever.

“Yes.” Ilya smirks, “Oh! I see. I forgot I never said who she was. Did you think this was a woman??”

“NO!”

GOD he found her because he was running by the harbor in boston one morning and found a little kitten who got tangled up in a fishing net near the docks, and so ilya stops his run to get her out, and she is obviously puffing herself up like an angry little cotton ball as if her little fluffy butt isn't TRAPPED, and ilya is amused and just, "wow wow, such an angry fish. you are shark, maybe?"

and she is littol and also damp and it's COLD, so he ends up taking her home with him and names her fish because he thinks he's funny, but significantly, he calls her fish in russian, which sounds like "RIH-ba," which to an english speaking ear just sounds like the name Reba with extra emphasis on the first syllable

and reba first comes up in conversation when ilya pauses to text his pet sitter at a hookup with shane, but shane can't see the conversation and just "what? you have something more important to do right now?" and ilya who was a little worried about leaving his kitten all alone is just half-distracted goes, "mm, i am checking up on my ryba. i think she might miss me."

and shane is SO instantly jealous and just, "reba?"

"yes, is her name. she is-ah-" and the word "kitten" escapes him in the moment, so he says, "kotenok, you know this word?"

and shane who DOES know this word but ONLY in the context of when ilya has called him it during sex (and thus thinks it's some dirty talk equivalent of "person i'm fucking," maybe) is now pissed but so flatly goes, "yeah, i know that one"

"she is very cute. you want to see picture?"

and shane is SO simmering mad about it just, "no, thanks." and ILYA thinks he's just mad that sex got disrupted for this, so he playfully tosses his phone away and just, "such a face, hollander. do not worry. i have attention for both of you."

and this is NOT welcome news to shane >:( but fine >:( whatever >:( he doesn't fucking care >:(

and ryba doesn't LOVE meeting people (she is the opposite of papa 😔), so one contributing factor to shane never going to ilya's house in all those years (at least from what he tells himself) is there's no point stressing ryba out for something that's SO casual. it's the reason hookups never go back to ilya's place with him. there is already a lady of the house, and she does not like company. and shane is JUST a hookup, obviously. there's no point in stressing his cat out for something SO casual.

and then on tuna meltdown day, ilya cleaned the house up to look nice so ryba's toys are all collected in her room (because she is the only child of a millionaire--of course she has her own room), and ryba goes to chill out under the guest bed until Strange New Person is gone. but what ilya conveys is, "you might see ryba. i am not sure. she does not like new people." and so shane is now also confused because what?? he's coming over here and someone else might also just show up??

"you're not worried about her telling anyone?"

and ilya just *amused look because he thinks this is a joke about their secrecy* "no, she is very discreet. is not a problem."

and shane would like to keep pushing, but he also doesn't know if ilya is making a joke or not, and he doesn't LOVE the idea of another random person just popping in on this VERY big secret.

"i mean, i'd rather she didn't know at all"

and ilya still thinks they're running a bit here and just, "ah, is sexier, yes? staying secret." *wink* because again! ILYA thinks they're talking about his cat!

and shane is a little reassured, but it does add to the day that like. WHO is this fucking reba person??? and WHY would rozanov even joke about her finding out?? is this a kink?? is this setting up for a threesome? is that why rozanov finally invited him to his house? so fucking reba can hop in bed with them?

WAIT NO OH MY GOD EVEN FUNNIER IDEA FOR SHANE LEARNING ABOUT RYBA:

she doesn't come up during the cottage because ilya is still thinking about the logistics of the move in terms of signing contracts/planning moving his stuff/etc., and obviously ryba is going to be going with him, but he'll just put a mental pin in it to look up the process because some countries have quarantine.

but ryba then. doesn't really come up. they're trying to just enjoy themselves at the cottage and ilya misses his fuzzy girl and doesn't want to dwell on missing his cat because he knows it's a LITTLE sappy and he IS happy to have this time with shane.

but this then means that shane stays over at ilya's house overnight for the first time in the new season and gets woken up to ryba at 2 am with the zoomies (shane got up to get water and didn't know to shut the door after to keep her out), so he wakes up to SOMETHING in the bed running around like a MANIAC and jumping around and even landing on his fucking FACE briefly?? what the FUCK is happening!!! ilya what the FUCK is in your house!!!

and ilya just *groggy but obviously knows this is just his cat* "is just ryba, hollander. don't worry. she will settle. rybochka, calm down. is time for sleeping."

and shane just?? reba set a fucking wild animal loose in your house???? WHAT??

and ilya just *now equally confused* what? does she have mouse or something?

??? you tell ME???? what the fuck kind of woman were you fucking?????

and ilya now *sitting up and turning the light on and gently tossing his cat to the end of the bed when she jumps on him at this sign that it's Time To Play* hollander, what the fuck are you talking about?? you think i am fucking other people???

shane gets up to get some water and ryba is just sitting in the corner of the kitchen like

and finds him hanging out on the floor in the guest room talking to ryba under the bed

@nirby-wirby

ryba does adjust, but for the first several weeks she does immediately spooky arch when she crosses paths with anya as if she just. forgets that The Other Thing is still in the house. and she immediately deflates and chills.

also I love your blog&fics so much! I see an ao3 email from you and I drop everything as quickly as possible, like no my laundry can wait Pen has updated a fic❤️

canon:

ilya: anya

exists on this blog (more than hollanov because yuna deserves to have her pets represented as well):

shane: spaghetti the corn snake, born from an anon ask

yuna: the pasta, a group of snakes that are even bigger than spaghetti and make ilya REALLY wonder if marrying into this family is the right call, born from an anon ask and @junkdrawertales

ilya: ryba the cat who accidentally makes shane jealous of a woman who doesn't exist named reba, also born from an anon ask

shane: rosie the golden retriever who is a failed anxiety service dog

shane: sputnik the german shepherd who is a Very Serious Boy who is shane's allergy service dog after an "accidental" allergy poisoning at a montreal team event, born from @shakespearerants

shane: winnie the alaskan malamute diabetic service dog who is a FIEND for ice cubes, born from @junkdrawertales

yuna: miko the blue and gold macaw, who is older than shane and loves him in a way that feels incredibly like torment, born from an anon ask

moreover they should be prepping the bite point with an alcohol wipe.

and while I’m at it, I’ve noticed a blithe disregard for health & safety when it comes to blood pacts. can’t believe I have to say this but you should absolutely NOT be cutting your palm open with the pocket knife from your belt holster (??????)

be brave

if you can’t say it in one breath out loud, you should probably add some punctuation

for casual dialogue: can you imagine two people saying this at a local coffee shop?

people talk over each other and cut each other off in real life all the time. your characters should too

modern, conversational dialogue isn’t one person lobbing one fully formed, multiple-sentence thought at another person, and then waiting to receive one back

dialogue is filled with placeholder sounds — ehs, ums, uhs — and these differ by region, language, and culture

people ask for clarification and sometimes things are just, by nature, unclear. sometimes you have to let the characters figure out the disconnect even if you, the author, know what it is already

Duke: That's a good selection of all of their high-end blends.

Bruce: This will be perfect for Margie's birthday.

Duke: Wait... Margie? Your nemesis on the PTA?

Bruce: Yes, she drinks the free garbage coffee in the break room at the school.

Duke: You hate her. Why would you get her a gift?

Could be used with the Justice League, Batfam or Marvel! It's completely up to your imagine go ham! But I'm going to be writing this with the Justice League because I know them better <3

The Justice League was devastated when they learned about Amity Park and it's situation. It wasn't until a 12 year old girl grabbed Batman by the cape, shoved a USB into his hand and saved "they need your help" before they mysteriously vanished that they even knew of the problem. The city had been cut off from the rest of the United States due to a government agency which tracked every call, text, and message trying to leave the area all the while a 14 year old kid fought off the same Government Agency, other agencies, and creatures from another dimension called 'Ghosts'.

But the last thing they expected when they arrived to Amity Park was to see the same teenager - Phantom - wounded after a fight. The fight was over by the time they got there but the wounds and fear on the teens face were real. He had no idea that the League was there to offer help and it was clear the teen was of the assumption that they were there to help the Goverment.

He wasn't the only one.

Four teenagers slid in front of the teen, protecting him all ready to fight and they weren't the only ones. More and more teenagers joined the group some wearing football jackets, others in crop tops and jeans. Then the elderly started to join in and the middle age. People in normal clothes, jumpsuits, normal suits, hospital gowns, police uniforms - everybody in the area - made a protective barrier between the Justice League and the teen who seemed confused by the actions.

"If the Justice League is here to cause issues for my city you better turn around now. We have had quite enough for one day." A man with silver hair pulled in a ponytail said.

"No, we're not here to cause issues. We were here to talk to Phantom... to see if he needed help." Superman said as Batman stepped up.

"It's clear now though... he has help. The Justice League has disabled the devices the 'Ghost Investigation Ward' was using to keep you guys secluded... so if he - or any of you - need more help... give us a call." Batman said as the man hesitated, then nodded.

"That's it?" Green Arrow asked as they turned and walked away from the crowd. "We're just... leaving?"

"Yeah. We are. Phantom knows he has more he can depend on and it's not just the league. Amity is under his protection and Amity will protect their hero." Batman said, glancing back at the teen who was being hugged by a couple in teal and orange jumpsuits.

Everyone knows who Phantom is. He was one of the very first heroes though he inexplicably chose to dedicate his life (metaphorically) to micromanaging the hell out of some random town no one has ever heard of. He's a specialist hero, only really useful for ghost stuff. He comes every time someone contacts him for help but it's only happened a few times in all of his years of operation.

Then, kid heroes become a thing. Robin, once perpetually hidden beneath the shadow of the bat emerges into the metropolis sun just in time to make the front page.

When Batman's child-raising skills are called into question, Kid Flash is brought out at a press release by Flash to show that these exceptional children are around. They just aren't common knowledge for their own health (aside from the villains - being a child star wrecks your brain).

A few villains do come forward and say "no, the sidekicks will go out on their own if their hero doesn't let them. And they have all the powers and none of the restraint. Please don't separate them."

(Batman and Robin are both very flattered that all their rogues think they have powers. Robin is ✨glowing✨ with pride.)

Cyborg calls Robin at 3am. He asks if he's seen the new 'BooTube' page.

Phantom has set up his own website. It's a dark and moody ripoff of YouTube with 1 channel. His.

Introduction Video: Transcript Hi guys, I can't lie to you, I was as up-in-arms as anyone when I saw what people are now calling "The Robin Reveal". But then I remembered that I started my hero work when I was mentally and physically fourteen years old...

Danny doesn't mention he was also chronologically 14 at the time. Secret identities and all.

...and I had no mentor, no training and no backup. It was just me and two humans, neither of whom even had powers at that time. I understand the call, in a way that none of the non-hero people criticising you could ever hope to comprehend. I'm glad to see most of you fellow child-heroes have an experienced adult watching your back. But if you don't. If there's even one of you out there who need a mentor, consider Amity Park open for business, and consider adding my number to your speedial. I'm not like those people in interviews saying "Oh, someone needs to help the children!" I am helping you, I am helping you whenever you need with whatever you want.

The ghost swallows and seemingly forces down his brimming sincerity.

And for those of you who do already have backup? Consider checking back here. I'm going over my old reports from my first few years on the streets to see what I most needed to hear, and what I wished I knew sooner. Hopefully no one else will have to learn what I know the hard way.

You know how to fight, this channel won't be for that. This is about coping with secret identities, and the messed up situations that can only happen to a vigilante or hero.

Anyways, the first video is already ready to be edited so in a few days I'll be back here to discuss what you do when you've been cloned. How to deal with that emotionally and physically. My clone isn't very well known outside of my town but I think she'll add a great perspective!

A day later he has to put up a video asking hero's and villains to not try and hack the site, he's already recieved complaints from constantine for having to exorcise cyborg because he tried to break through on non ecto-shielded hardware. There's also a haunting problem in metropolis at lexcorp but that's not dannys problem.

Also, yes I didn't specify but obviously Tucker is running BooTube and it's Technus' security system (potentially he has a child or protégé who likes to hang out on the server and makes it so every return hack attack is different and insane).

Amity Park basically becomes a training ground for future heroes and metas, mostly by accident

Families supportive of their meta kids will move there for the schools well acquainted with dealing in power mishaps, meta kids without support will run to Amity for that support, and pretty much every hero ends up spending a couple months under Phantom

BooTube has a huge impact on how the public views heroes, but in particular, child heroes

Getting the down-and-dirty from The Original Hero, who was a child, means he not only lends credibility, but lends empathy

When heroes start getting mind controlled, the tone of the news is different then it might have been— there’s sympathy, and when the news reports on damages a hero has caused, it’s considered victim blaming to include damage caused under mind control/advanced brainwashing, because they were the gun, not the shooter

There's an event where Justice League hero events are held. Danny is the staff member who wears the mascot costume. Taking a picture with the kids and visitors.

Soon there was a robbery. Danny can't leave people in the event to be injured. So he goes fight the robbers in a Justice League mascot costume.

And a video of him fighting in that mascot was post on the internet.

The JL are worried about this kid and want to know whats going on. Who was the mascot of exactly? Cause if he's wearing a chibi batman outfit at least one of the batkids are going to be there taking pictures either in or out of costume.

I can see Danny greeting Dick in full Nightwing gear and Danny assuming its a really good complaint.

Same with the superboys if he's wearing a chibi Superman. I want them to be horrified when Dannys heart stops beating when Danny catches a fist. The mascot only gives the robbers firm and threatening, "No." Before knocking them out cold.

Oh, what if Constantine or Zatanna are there?

"Why is an eldrich creature wearing the mascot suit?"

...

Tim has been up for hours passed when he told Alfred he would be resting and he's wrapped up his case files into neat little bows to deliver to Babs and the GCPD/Lawyers to do their jobs. Damian had made a comment earlier in their patrol that night about Tim being the wrong sibling to make it to his rescue and... and it got him thinking about that phrase. His parents were negligent with him, certainly, but they were always very clear about how he stood in their eyes. Praise and criticism were the two options, and very strictly limited passes of 'I love yous' that faded as he got older.

He's run his DNA before in the national databases- it was critical for maintaining his Alias' that multiple people didn't flag- but he's never searched in records before. About his twin. About the one who didn't make it home.

And its definitely the lack of sleep, and definitely the lack of brotherly affection he feels these days, but Tim just can't close the door until he's seen a death certificate. He's hacked Gotham General Hospital a million times for work, but doing it for his own gain feels wrong some how and he works with extreme caution. He finds his own birth certificate and... One Theodore Daniel Drake.

Tim snorts with a short ha, pretentious name alert and goes on to find not a single certificate of death or medical record of atypia. Oh no, what he finds is adoption paperwork meant to be closed to all wondering eyes and one Daniel James Fenton leaving the hospital instead. Tim blinks a few times, retraces his steps and then sure enough, learns for a second time that his TWIN was still alive.