This is a place. It is real.

I looked at a photo of myself from the past maybe just 2,3 years ago — and remembered the feeling that I always had that constantly, I was never enough my posture, my hair, my belly something never feeling refined enough, perfect enough thin enough toned enough even though I was just existing but within the confines of The Image losing my joy for life to expectations unspoken and my own 'living in the present' by avoiding my Image and denying my truth, my existence, and my validity, in the face of The Image my 'potential' not existing as a source of energy, momentum, or evolving, constant inspiration, but co-opted by The Image I gave it to The Image and in it, potential became an abstract concept no longer holding the essence of me but a constant reminder held above my head of someone unable to meet the pressure of transforming into someone desirable enough for The Image Now, I just happened to glance back Photos of myself taken by the person who has been more enamored with me than I have of me, we were just enjoying a day at the museum and I am starting to see, that I am beautiful and special beyond the expectations of the image that my success does not solely exist within the image a girl in her 20s deserved to give herself love, even with the pressure to perform for and live within the image even when knowing, that the image was always a lie

you get to choose, if you will bury your mistakes inside you so they rot festered by shame and guilt, you relive the past while your physical form moves forward in time disconnected from the present reliving and reliving… they do not see new life, and neither do you

remember the last two years, girl choose the love that you have shared and the beauty you have created you are still your mother’s child, healing

we are not our mistakes we are children, healing

you get to choose, if you will bury your mistakes into your own soil welcome their lessons as nourishment, for the many versions of yourself you have yet to grow into make space for her; this is how we are alive a path towards eternal love

[found in notes app and posted on April 21, 2026]

stretch, grow taller I feel stuck; a stiff neck, cluttered mind finding the cracks and filling them again, with breath, love, and ease breathe life force

~~~~

[found in notes app and posted on April 21, 2026]

last night was intense and I am still struggling to regulate my nervous system. I went over to Jacia's after we had been taking space for a few days. This was my choice. I missed her so much. But I carry this sadness, and the question of why gets at me. The combination of these feelings with the jet lag is fucking me up. I slept too early, even at her house, from 7ish to midnight again, but we were cuddling on the couch for the last 3ish hours. and we were both up talking for a bit and then I couldn't sleep after 1:4ish/2. And so I was just up, for the rest of the night, but I couldn't sleep because anxiety filled every end of my body. I have not felt anxiety like that in a long time. It was horrible. It took me a couple hours to soothe myself, to ease it because I could not wake Jacia. I went from anxiety about if this was the right choice, and fear that I was making the wrong one, to processing my feelings from our interactions that night and overall: her telling me about her weekend at love under the sun, playing the next one, spending time with her new friends/community Mo, Ella, and others who were at his studio for his birthday party. I processed how my reaction to these things is not as full as it could be - I carry this reservedness that is so fucking lame. And I have always been like that. And I processed, that I still have so much inner work to do. This is not me at my most loving. Jacia has not gotten my love and enthusiasm back to her the way she has given it to me, for my wins and joys. I feel a block, that I have just gotten used to and called it a 'dynamic' but is it really just my own internal dissatisfaction projected, constantly constraining how much I can love her?

The fear I have of what would happen to me if we separated — of being alone, of lacking any community of frequent friends that I have desired for so long, of the severe discomfort navigating the DJ scene around NY, and also how all of this would compound me being in my head even more and limit my self expression — are all of these just projections of insecurities I have currently? Because Jacia is starting to have them, so it seems. They are deep desires of mine that has everything to do with me and not her.

I cannot move forward the same. In our relationship, towards myself. We must talk, next week, which I told her. After the weekend.

But it isn't all her fault. I have made the mistake of over monitoring, over assuming, over judging.

I want the softness with my baby, I want fun, I want to be held, I want the thoughtfulness, I want care, conversation, I want shared community and love with her. But I want these things... and I want to feel grounded.

And I have these anxieties... that what if I can't feel those same things with you? How we keep our homes, how we let people into them. In my culture, the casualness and comfort with which we share our intimate spaces with loved ones — the insistence on hospitality, on food, on always sharing with each other.

aside: I seek these things in my friendships... I want physical affection and touch that is casual, I want a security and comfort in my body around others without being so in my head about it, without subconscious reservedness that I have felt since I lost this connection with my mom... to realize this... breaks my heart. More on this in next post.

I carried this anxiety all the way with me to India, wondering, how you would be able to come there with me? How would you manage?

But the thing that anxiety does is it warps my connection to you, to reality. It creates nonexistent scenarios in my head by reliving the pain from the past, no matter how much work we've done to talk through and get over them.

I feel lost sometimes, caught in the middle of these emotions and further and further ungrounded from you. You should feel like you are enough, that through your own inner work, you are enough for me.

 I do not have this grounded certainty of Jacia being "the one". I know that I have been trying really hard to accept her vision of us being soulmates. Maybe I would feel that if things were easier for me. I make things easier for her, I think. I have wanted to believe that the more we get better, the more we are in this, I will feel that eventually. "In love," the way she looks at me at any given moment, the way she feels towards me. I will feel it, and so she will feel it from me. But to say... to admit that I don't feel like this all the time , that I have to search for the moments that I do... I feel so gross with guilt. And that feeling terrifies me so much. 

I cannot separate the way my brain judges things anymore. In certain moments, do I actually dislike what she's doing / a behavior or attitude she has / something about her, or am I just projecting the lack that I feel as a result of an imbalanced dynamic? To what levels of 'dislike' are normal in a relationship? I have communicated what is valuable to me, and she has listened, no? Food, family, friends, independence... how much more is needed or is possible?  

Is the existence of this guilt a sign in itself? is this the question I am avoiding?

fasting is hard.

but if all these old white people can do it then I definitely can do it

someone who is a "full time artist" is someone who is so constantly filled with the experience of emotion that they cannot do anything else but process it through the expression of their art

adhd brain feels like I forgot

Sex dreams really fucking scare me, because I'm afraid that if I chase down those rabbit holes I will find myself in a place - within myself - where Jacia is not. I don't even know what that looks like. I do not want to name it as anxiety because it hasn't gone that far yet - and that shit will fucking kill me inside. But does it exist at all?

Said Goodbye to Lily for the last time today, after exactly 5 full years of working with her. October 2020. Since 2024 we have been less consistent; sessions more sparse, switching to every other week early that year (not that I was super consistent every week earlier anyways) but then this summer taking an unintentional extended break from June until last week.

I am grateful for the tenderness she has always held for me; even I did not always feel like was getting somewhere needed in my thinking with it (not until the last year or so) I did need it, more often than not.

I wish I asked her how old she was, at the end actually. We, of course, spoke about myself til the end aside from my question about how long her maternity leave would be.

Thinking back through all the changes I noticed but never pointed out - her hair (shorter at one point, but then grown out again), different glasses frames, different background placements, her cats. And to know for certain now that she's in Portland. I remembered when I asked in 2023 that she was Oregon. I just looked her up for the first time. She looks so Portland.