I'm Dubs

It’s all so natural too: son, big man, young man…

We’ve never talked about it. He’s the only one who hasn’t pushed for details. He just accepted it and carried on because it’s not a huge deal.

But I now have a chance to talk about who my grandfather is. 

You see, I find it interesting that you claim the only way my 90yr old grandfather could possibly be so accepting is if he was dying of one of the most horrible diseases known to man, a condition which eats your brain from the inside out and turns you in an angry, scared shell of the child you once were while your family has to grieve you long before you’re dead. 

You find it easier - and evidently prefer - to believe that to accept me, my grandfather must have Alzheimer’s rather than any other reason. 

Why is that easier to believe than a man who lived through (not was born during, not was around for, lived through) the Second World War and the aftermath, seeing footage of the concentration camps and meeting refugees would be accepting? 

A poor builder and a farmer who worked alongside queer men and deaf men and the few people of colour in Northern Ireland in the 1950s and was himself barred from many places of employment and education due to his religion?

This man, whose oldest son was born the year the British army began occupying his country, who lived through the Troubles and was automatically considered suspicious and dangerous through an incident of birth? A man who helped raise six children - most of them boys and therefore in great danger of the army turning their guns on them for playing kid-games - in a time of civil war where it didn’t seem to matter which side you were on, the bombs and shootings could get you either way? A man who once was taken hostage by the IRA? 

My grandfather’s oldest son - my dad - was the first in his family to go to university and there he met and fell in love with a Protestant woman. This was before the Good Friday Agreement, when the civil war was still happening, and if my grandparents had a problem with it - they never let said to my mum. 

(My grandpa and my mum don’t really get along, but that’s more to do with me being a premature baby and tensions over my survival and disagreements on how to look after me. My mum and my Nana? Thick as thieves.) 

They certainly never let it slip to us when we came along because it wasn’t important anymore that we were something many people in Northern Ireland would have preferred to not exist. It didn’t matter. 

He voted in the Good Friday Agreement in hopes of stopping the conflict. He spent a lot of time listening to me about the bullying I was facing for being - unbeknownst to me at the time - queer and disabled. He just told me that being happy was far more important. 

Being trans? It does not matter. Of course it doesn’t matter to him because he’s seen worse things in the world. 

He’s ninety years old. He’s still out on the farm, he’s still studying history, he’s still sharp as fuck. I’ve seen someone die of Alzheimer's. I know every bit of it and it’s not him. Besides, I’ve not medically transitioned in anyway yet. He’s only seen me presenting fully masc for six days in person. Two years in total. If he had Alzheimer’s he’d be calling me by my deadname and using she/her. 

And he’s not unusual. Outside of your echo chamber, most people are fine with trans people. Most people don’t care. Most people are accepting. They may not understand, they may not use the right words, but they’re accepting. 

I do find it interesting that once again the TERF tactic is try and wrestle autonomy and self-control away from people who don’t follow your bigoted stances. Autistics must be being manipulated. Trans men are clearly confused little girls. Children obviously can’t understand their own minds and bodies. 

My grandfather must have Alzheimer's. 

Of course my view of a world I’ve seen in a Tumblr textpost must be more correct than the reality everyone else lives in. 

(4/11/20) (I don’t share details of my profession on here, but I needed a place to put these feelings, so please excuse some spots where I am vague.)

I work in healthcare. And we are experiencing a global pandemic. It has been more than a month since my state began shutting down. And I have continued to go to work every single day.

At first we made nervous jokes about “finally I have a legit reason to tell people to stay the fuck away from me”. And “hashtag social distancing!!!”. We laughed that our kids were lucky to get an extended spring break. We made memes and hashtags. And I went to work every single day.

Then, school was cancelled for the rest of the year. And businesses were shut down. I was given a letter to show to authorities authorizing me to travel because I’m an essential worker. And I went to work every day.

Then, they started taking our temperature every day before work. My coworkers now have to don masks and gloves and stick a thermometer in my mouth every morning before I’m allowed to enter the building and start my shift. The awkwardness of such an intimate healthcare moment being conducted between coworkers in a giant vinyl hazmat tent at the front door of my workplace is not lost on any of us. The fear (for both sides) that someone will be infected and we will be exposed is palpable in the air. The nervous laughs have ceased, replaced by tired eyes behind N95 masks that scream “I can’t do this anymore!” But yet we do. Every single day.

And now it’s Easter (tomorrow). Today, I wore a mask and gloves to say a BRIEF hello to my mother when she delivered our Easter meal fixins for brunch tomorrow. She was masked as well.

I haven’t physically been in her presence (or my sister’s, brother-in-law’s, niece or nephew’s) in a month, because I AM EXPOSED DAILY and they are not. I cannot bring this home to them.

So tomorrow they will gather as a family for Easter brunch, two minutes away from my house. And I will not be allowed to join them for fear of getting someone sick who then may potentially die.

I go to work every single day to care for someone else’s loved ones, and because of that I won’t be able to share Easter with mine.

I place myself, @thecomicbookj , @droppinby and our daughter at risk daily (because they can’t go stay with family since they’ve already been exposed to me...) because I’m “essential” to the care of other people’s loved ones.

We're at the mercy, the liberty, of the public. Who were great when things started, came in being polite, wearing gloves, masks, sanitizing things themselves, asking about us. Then a few weeks in you noticed the change of 'tude, more snapping, rude, irritation. Not as many masks or gloves anymore. Actually getting made fun of for having a different set up in the store, for wearing gloves and masks as required now. I get it, the situation is getting to everyone. But we didn't ask to be here, we aren't exactly thankful to "still have a job" or be getting paid. We aren't getting a bonus, a raise, any recognition or appreciation from our employers. And we risk ourselves and our families every day. Every day we take the chance of bringing home something and sharing it amongst those we love the most.

This isn't a game, it's not fun, and we're as on edge as anyone else these days. We never know if we'll get that customer who will laugh and cough right in our faces, "There, got you a few days off" (actually happened to my boss)or come in grumpy and jump on us cause we're there. We've sold many a single pack of air fresheners these last few weeks. Lots of restorations if all of the 1970-1990 vehicle parts we've been called about are happening.

I am still feeling really heavy, but also very thankful. This year has led to many changes in my life and many of them have been for the better.

But I absolutely know that I am (we all are) suffering PTSD and trauma from this.

I’ve been tested 4 times this year. A swab shoved WAY up my nose. The physical discomfort was awful but the emotional toll of being terrified that I had finally been caught in COVID’s grasp was worse. The horror at having to worry about what would happen if I died...I don’t wish that on my worst enemy.

I was hospitalized in December for bronchio spasms, after literally LABORING to breath and going to the emergency room where @thecomicbookj was not allowed to stay with me. The nurses and doctors couldn’t comfort me —seriously, do you know how petrified I was realizing I could not get oxygen on my own and my O2 sats were in the 80s even on 7L of oxygen??? (For reference, a person is supposed to have sats of 95 or above with no external oxygen needed). I had to take my first ever ambulance ride from the ER To the main hospital...where no one could visit me, I had to be in a room by myself because they weren’t sure if it was COVID and I was so panicked I wanted to claw my way out of my own skin! I now have a diagnosis of Asthma, and a daily inhaler to go with it. But I’m alive, so there’s that.

I have had my temperature taken more times than I can count and now realize I am actually abnormal with a temp that runs around 97.5 instead of the typical 98.6. So there’s that.

Every.Single.Day I get

~a text from my kiddo’s school reminding us to screen before dropping off.

~an email from my kiddo’s school reminding us to screen before dropping off.

~a text from my employer with a screening that has to be filled out

~TWO report emails (one for each of the departments I oversee) regarding everyone’s screening data so I can determine who can work today.

I have had three of my 7 employees out on leave and actually NOT due to COVID, but due to the mental, emotional and family stuff going on because of COVID.

I got my vaccine!!! And promptly spent a day and a half fairly certain I was going to die (Fever spiked to 102, my body hurt SO FUCKING BAD, the chills and shakes made me CRY).

And now, here I am. Living in an area where we are having ANOTHER major surge of cases... I was going to say the number (3rd, 4th,etc) but I actually have lost count of the number of surges.

In the last year I’ve transitioned to working 100% from home, and within the last two weeks I was able to open my own business!

My kiddo is in school full time and flourishing!

@droppinby changed jobs and is much happier.

We took a couple of fantastic family vacations and have more planned for this year.

(4/11/20) (I don’t share details of my profession on here, but I needed a place to put these feelings, so please excuse some spots where I am vague.)

I work in healthcare. And we are experiencing a global pandemic. It has been more than a month since my state began shutting down. And I have continued to go to work every single day.

At first we made nervous jokes about “finally I have a legit reason to tell people to stay the fuck away from me”. And “hashtag social distancing!!!”. We laughed that our kids were lucky to get an extended spring break. We made memes and hashtags. And I went to work every single day.

Then, school was cancelled for the rest of the year. And businesses were shut down. I was given a letter to show to authorities authorizing me to travel because I’m an essential worker. And I went to work every day.

Then, they started taking our temperature every day before work. My coworkers now have to don masks and gloves and stick a thermometer in my mouth every morning before I’m allowed to enter the building and start my shift. The awkwardness of such an intimate healthcare moment being conducted between coworkers in a giant vinyl hazmat tent at the front door of my workplace is not lost on any of us. The fear (for both sides) that someone will be infected and we will be exposed is palpable in the air. The nervous laughs have ceased, replaced by tired eyes behind N95 masks that scream “I can’t do this anymore!” But yet we do. Every single day.

And now it’s Easter (tomorrow). Today, I wore a mask and gloves to say a BRIEF hello to my mother when she delivered our Easter meal fixins for brunch tomorrow. She was masked as well.

I haven’t physically been in her presence (or my sister’s, brother-in-law’s, niece or nephew’s) in a month, because I AM EXPOSED DAILY and they are not. I cannot bring this home to them.

So tomorrow they will gather as a family for Easter brunch, two minutes away from my house. And I will not be allowed to join them for fear of getting someone sick who then may potentially die.

I go to work every single day to care for someone else’s loved ones, and because of that I won’t be able to share Easter with mine.

I place myself, @thecomicbookj , @droppinby and our daughter at risk daily (because they can’t go stay with family since they’ve already been exposed to me...) because I’m “essential” to the care of other people’s loved ones.

We're at the mercy, the liberty, of the public. Who were great when things started, came in being polite, wearing gloves, masks, sanitizing things themselves, asking about us. Then a few weeks in you noticed the change of 'tude, more snapping, rude, irritation. Not as many masks or gloves anymore. Actually getting made fun of for having a different set up in the store, for wearing gloves and masks as required now. I get it, the situation is getting to everyone. But we didn't ask to be here, we aren't exactly thankful to "still have a job" or be getting paid. We aren't getting a bonus, a raise, any recognition or appreciation from our employers. And we risk ourselves and our families every day. Every day we take the chance of bringing home something and sharing it amongst those we love the most.

This isn't a game, it's not fun, and we're as on edge as anyone else these days. We never know if we'll get that customer who will laugh and cough right in our faces, "There, got you a few days off" (actually happened to my boss)or come in grumpy and jump on us cause we're there. We've sold many a single pack of air fresheners these last few weeks. Lots of restorations if all of the 1970-1990 vehicle parts we've been called about are happening.

I am still feeling really heavy, but also very thankful. This year has led to many changes in my life and many of them have been for the better.

But I absolutely know that I am (we all are) suffering PTSD and trauma from this.

I’ve been tested 4 times this year. A swab shoved WAY up my nose. The physical discomfort was awful but the emotional toll of being terrified that I had finally been caught in COVID’s grasp was worse. The horror at having to worry about what would happen if I died...I don’t wish that on my worst enemy.

I was hospitalized in December for bronchio spasms, after literally LABORING to breath and going to the emergency room where @thecomicbookj was not allowed to stay with me. The nurses and doctors couldn’t comfort me —seriously, do you know how petrified I was realizing I could not get oxygen on my own and my O2 sats were in the 80s even on 7L of oxygen??? (For reference, a person is supposed to have sats of 95 or above with no external oxygen needed). I had to take my first ever ambulance ride from the ER To the main hospital...where no one could visit me, I had to be in a room by myself because they weren’t sure if it was COVID and I was so panicked I wanted to claw my way out of my own skin! I now have a diagnosis of Asthma, and a daily inhaler to go with it. But I’m alive, so there’s that.

I have had my temperature taken more times than I can count and now realize I am actually abnormal with a temp that runs around 97.5 instead of the typical 98.6. So there’s that.

Every.Single.Day I get

~a text from my kiddo’s school reminding us to screen before dropping off.

~an email from my kiddo’s school reminding us to screen before dropping off.

~a text from my employer with a screening that has to be filled out

~TWO report emails (one for each of the departments I oversee) regarding everyone’s screening data so I can determine who can work today.

I have had three of my 7 employees out on leave and actually NOT due to COVID, but due to the mental, emotional and family stuff going on because of COVID.

I got my vaccine!!! And promptly spent a day and a half fairly certain I was going to die (Fever spiked to 102, my body hurt SO FUCKING BAD, the chills and shakes made me CRY).

And now, here I am. Living in an area where we are having ANOTHER major surge of cases... I was going to say the number (3rd, 4th,etc) but I actually have lost count of the number of surges.

In the last year I’ve transitioned to working 100% from home, and within the last two weeks I was able to open my own business!

My kiddo is in school full time and flourishing!

@droppinby changed jobs and is much happier.

We took a couple of fantastic family vacations and have more planned for this year.

Per the Jan 11th announcement, you can now see posts tagged with banned** tags and view flagged blogs on the iOS app.

To do this, open tumblr in a browser (this setting is not accessible on the iOS app itself) and go to your account settings. Then, click the “Hide Sensitive Content” toggle. This setting is automatically turned on for everyone by default. Here’s what the toggle looks like when it has been turned OFF (it will be highlighted blue when on):

But wait, you’re not done! For this setting to take effect, you must also make sure you’ve updated the tumblr app to version 22.5.2 (or higher). To update the app, go to the app store, click your profile icon in the top right corner, and scroll down until to reach the updates section. If tumblr displays an “Update” button, click it. You can check the version number by clicking “more” in the update description.

That’s it, you’re done!

**This has no effect on anyone using tumblr via any other browser or app. All toggling this setting does is remove the recent iOS-only hardbanned tags and give iOS app users the same tumblr experience as everyone else. The soft ban on certain “NSFW” tags that’s been in effect since the Great Purge of 2018 is still in effect, at least as of right now. To understand the difference between softbanned and hardbanned tags check out my post about it HERE.

Also, a quick note to content creators: Even with this toggle, I would avoid using any of the hardbanned tags whenever possible because posts with those tags will still be completely hidden (in searches and on dashboards) on the iOS app for anyone who doesn’t know about this workaround. Fortunately, it seems tumblr is currently reviewing the list and walking back some of the tags that were originally banned, seemingly for no reason as they had nothing to do with sensitive content. Most have not been reversed yet. Keep an eye on the banned tags list and continue to check tags yourself since @bannedtags​ doesn’t have all of them.

Hey everyone,

So Tumblr has come out with a ridiculous banned tags list on iOS thanks to Apple. However, early this year Microsoft was trying to launch their Cloud Gaming on iOS and had a similar issue with Apple censors. Their solution was a browser version which utilises some of iOS’s in built systems. Interestingly enough, they also work with Tumblr’s browser. So here is a step by step guide of what to do;

1. Open Safari

2. Load the Tumblr webpage in Safari.

3. Tap on the share button

4. In the share menu, tap “Add to Home Screen”

5. Tap “Add”

6. You should be taken to the Home Screen where you will see a new Tumblr app. Open it.

7. Log in and enjoy.

and i just feel sad

because you have a bunch of young people who are terrified of getting older.

they think age is going to change them, into something boring, something different, something grey.

and i just want to tell them, reassure them:

you will still be the same person.

isn't it wonderful?

you will love the things you love for so many years. you will find joy in the same things, decade after decade. you will feel the same inside, through all this time.

yes, the body will change. yes there's more responsibilities, less time, even less energy.

but there's no magical age where you stop enjoying that specific story, that specific game, that specific hobby.

but you know what also comes with age?

I called my play partner this morning to set up an impact date with him and, as he usually does, he asked me what I wanted to get out of the scene. I told him where my head was at, how I was (and still very much am) struggling with the stress and grief of losing my father to cancer. I told him how I felt like a solid beating would help distract me from how awful I felt. How I felt like I needed to make my outside pain match my inside pain. He listened to me vent about everything I was going through and when I circled back to set up pre negotiations like we would normally do, he very gently told me he wouldn’t do a scene with me right now.

I’m going to be honest guys, I was stunned. Was he not listening to how stressed and sad and overwhelmed I felt?? I told him I needed it. Not wanted, needed. He, still very gently, said no.

He asked me to think about the emotions I was feeling- the anger, the grief, the stress, the desperation to feel anything but what I’ve been feeling. He asked me if I would do a scene with someone who was so consumed by those emotions, and I of course wanted to say yes. Wanted to convince him to give me what I felt like I needed so desperately. But in that moment I knew he was right.

I’m not in the headspace to safely and sanely consent to impact right now, and that’s okay.

We spent the rest of the phone call talking about other things I could do to self soothe in the meantime. Before we hung up, he reassured me that he said no because he cares about my safety and well-being.

I’m really lucky I have someone in my life who could easily recognize that I’m not in a place where I can safely and sanely consent, and who’ll put my needs before their wants.