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But I feel like lesbian fiction. Send me book recs?

I want to move on.

I want to be happy that I get my life back. I get to be with my mom and cat. I really don’t know how long mom will be ok, she could go back to the hospital anytime. She could be gone. I get my time back. And it’s so valuable.

I want to do things for myself. Not for her. I still struggle. I’m still trying to look a certain way. It’s getting better though: no longer trying to learn piano just to play for her, no longer trying to cook Chinese food or any food really… I guess that’s it.

There were a lot of issues and I realized I don’t want to be like Rachel and Shane or Harper and Ethan. I recognized some qualities, hers and mine, and it’s just not at all how it should be. For me anyway.

A moment ago, I was able to look back at our photos/videos from the trips. Mexico, Italy, Switzerland, Amsterdam, Viena. Yeah the travel was good, fun. More than I would have been able to do with just myself or anyone else. It was a good time. I was in love. I loved looking at her - walking next to her, sitting across the table from her, waking up with her. I loved experiencing things with her. I’ll treasure that. I’m thankful we got that.

It wasn’t terrible and we didn’t do awful things to each other. We were kind to each other. We tried.

It wasn’t meant to be. And I think I can move on and be happy for her. Because I can look at these photos and be thankful.

June 28 - July 31

August 6 - September 10

October 16 - October 23

November 24 - November 30

Drove to Oxnard for work.

Talked to Sophia on the drive home.

Had to take my mom to the ER again.

Read supercorp fanfic for the first time in forever.

Missed her.

Remembered how she wasn’t really here for me all those times my mom got hospitalized. I know she did it her way - sending me food, lending me a charger/battery. But what I wanted and needed was someone to hold me. She’s not a bad person. We weren’t a match.