prev. yeonluv

i know it’s been a while since i’ve updated people here or interacted at all here, but i thought i’d give an update because a lot has changed. i’ve made a new main blog because i honestly think i’m not going to be writing here anymore. the interaction on the stuff i did write was next to nothing, even on my most popular post that has 700+ notes. i won’t be deleting this blog or its contents or anything, but i will no longer be active here. i may check in every couple months or something, if that, but i won’t be maintaining this blog.

it’s sad to me because i truly loved this blog and the people i met here, but i just didn’t feel the want to stay. i felt bad not writing because there were people who wanted me to, but there was just no motivation to do so. i’m sorry if you were waiting for me to return to writing here, i don’t know if that will ever happen.

that being said, i am still writing. i have moved another writing blog i opened a while ago to this new main blog and am continuing there. i am happy to give mutuals that want to stay in contact this new main url/writing blog url but it is nsfw. you don’t have to interact with it at all ofc!! but you’re more than welcome to have it to stay in contact. i also have a personal blog that is completely separate and does not have any writing, just personal thoughts and such, which i’m also happy to give mutuals who want to stay in contact (the new main is NOT nsfw, it’s simply linked to my nsfw blog bc that’s my main writing blog now so if you want the main but don’t wanna interact/see nsfw, don’t worry bc the main won’t show that!!).

i may also open a sfw sideblog on my new account to write for zb1 (and dream/skz/tbz?) but it will be under the new main. again, the new main isn’t nsfw, it’s simply so i can interact with mutuals i’ve made on that nsfw account. all updates regarding that new blog will come from the new main as well!!

Lee Minho was a menace in your life. You will never understand how he does it. Despite being a fairly normal (and by normal, you may or may not have meant that there was nothing going on for him) guy, he had a major talent for getting under your skin and igniting peeves you never even knew existed until he himself did it. At one point, you thought maybe your peeve was just Minho himself, instead of the actual action. After all, even the act of talking annoyed you greatly whenever it was his voice you heard echoing through the area. Fortunately, though, it wasn't like you were the only one being an absolute asshole—

—Minho disliked you with a passion as well.

If you were given a penny for every moment you both had some sort of argument, verbal or non-verbal, you'd surely be able to buy a house. And a penny isn't even that much to begin with. When asked, anyone who knows both you and Minho will probably give the same answer: put both of you in a room to do something, one says a single word, and hell breaks loose. The formula was pretty straightforward and simple, really. Everything was a fight between you two, and neither you nor Minho liked to lose. You'd think that being like-minded people would make you friends rather than enemies, and even you were surprised at first.

Because it wasn't always like this with Minho. 

You don't exactly remember where it all went wrong, but all you do know was that somewhere along the way, Minho went from being your whole life to a person you could hardly stand to be in the same room with for more than ten minutes—constantly getting on each other's nerves; waiting for someone to break first and admit defeat. Making the whole thing even more frustrating was that the two of you knew each other a bit too well; a result of the deep friendship you both once cherished above all else.

Childhood friends. That was the category you begrudgingly acknowledged both of you fell under. What were once two inseparable children who refused to stay away from each other for more than a day. The friends who were seen as a package deal, even despite never being in the same class in the entirety of your elementary school years. Your families were even really close at one point—close enough where you could guess your mothers made a bet about the two of you's relationship. But just like an unexpected plot twist, all of those happy memories were washed down the drain along with your friendship with Minho.

You still remember how it started—a seven-year-old boy defending you from a rude classmate of yours back in first grade. It was when said classmate made fun of you for having cat-designed supplies (which, mind you, were actually really cute) that he considered was "lame" and "childish". As if he wasn't also a literal child at that time. Minho slid into the scene to show them a piece of his mind just before you were about to start crying, feeling humiliated and offended by the other boy's words. He defended you, or well, your appreciation for cats, with such conviction that you almost fell for him right then and there. You were really into the idea of romance back then. The whole thing was too petty for you to think of now, but back then, Minho was your knight in shining armor.

Friendship with Minho sailed smoothly from there. He approached you immediately after your rude classmate decided to leave you both alone, not seeing the fight as worth it anymore (good for him, you guessed.) Both of your interests in cats were something that bonded you two at the speed of lightning, earning you your first friend outside of relatives around the same age. He was your best friend for so long that the separation seemingly came out of nowhere, just the week before middle school started.

At first you didn't think much about it; you knew it was normal for childhood friendships to fall out around one's teen years, since it was the time where one would be meeting new people—but the more you thought about your everyday life without Minho, the more you missed him. Even more so that there was no actual reason for you two to suddenly act as if the other never existed, you just somehow came to the conclusion that this was supposed to happen one day. Who knows, it could have been teenage issues.

But then the radio silence turned into a chaotic battlefield in the blink of an eye. You got into dance around your second year of middle school and decided that your next course of action was to join your school's dance club. At the time, you were well aware that Minho was already a member of that club since his first year and thought it would have been great to reconnect with him there. Don't get you wrong through, you swore you didn't get into dance because of him. It totally wasn't because you loved seeing him have fun during performances that you wanted to try it out for yourself. Still, you had high hopes of joining this club—except that hope was shattered not even a week in.

"Look, we all know you're new to all this, but would it be too much for you to keep up?" You remember his harsh words like it was just yesterday. Oh, how you wanted to punch him so badly that day. The same week you joined, the club had an upcoming performance for the school assembly, and the current captain figured it wouldn't be a harm to add you in at the last minute. After all, they were still just in the middle of learning the routine and had about two weeks left until showtime. The other members seemed to agree too, seeing as you were the only new member and it would be such a waste to leave you aside. All except one person.

Now, you don't know what got into Minho's breakfast that morning during practice, but he targeted you throughout the whole day. It hurt your pride, of course—especially seeing that even the first years made mistakes during practice—but you were the only one he scolded. Sure, you had less experience than he had at this club and dancing in general, but you two were literally the same age! There was absolutely no reason to be this pissed, even if you did join a month after the year one recruits were brought in. Your dancing didn't suck either, you knew that much. As new as you were to the world of dancing, you knew you had good potential and a decent natural talent for it. How would you get into this club in the first place if you didn't? They had a whole screening process and everything. So there was only one logical reason for Minho's attitude towards you:

Hate. Lee Minho hated you.

Why? How would you know? But if he was going to be like this, then you surely wouldn't go down without a fight. If he thinks you're still the timid seven-year-old who couldn't even stand up for themselves at a mere childish insult, then your six years of friendship with him was a joke, because you've clearly changed since then. It was then that you swore you'd make him acknowledge it, even through the hard way. And you certainly did slap him in the face the following year when you became vice captain alongside him, despite the fact that it was only your second year. That wasn't good news to Minho, though—so as one would expect, your infamous arguments continued. The rest is history.

"If you're going to be like this, I'm asking for a new partner," Minho scowled at you venomously from the dance studio's speakers, pausing the song to rewind it back to the start. "Even if I have to beg our professor, it would be so much better than screwing up the final project because of you."

Wow, that one hurt. You inwardly winced at his ice-cold comment, feeling a small stab at your chest. His insults may have become dull to you over time, but that didn't mean you were unaffected by them. Never did you think you'd end up here: doing your semester's final project with Minho. Actually, you never would have guessed you'd go to the same college—let alone in the same major! As if enduring his presence for five years in middle and high school wasn't enough, he just had to still be there just when you thought you'd be able to turn over a new leaf. But no; along with his mere existence at your university was your thick tension-filled rivalry with him, and everyone was quick to catch on.

Never put Y/N and Minho, although both dance majors, in the same room. 

Unfortunately, your professor seemed to have missed the memo—because he broke that unspoken rule when he announced the partners for the final project a week ago. Shameless gasps filled the lecture hall as all pairs of eyes snapped towards your and Minho's horrified ones. This was going to be a long two weeks, you remembered groaning in annoyance.

"Then do it," you spat strongly at him. "Tell him you can't accept it whenever shit doesn't go your way. Grow up, will you?" Minho only kept quiet and didn't say anything back to you for the rest of the day after that.

Thankfully, you two managed to complete the project with flying colours with the help of some heavenly deity (because there was just no way you two managed to achieve this much together on your own.) You stared cautiously as Minho handed you a bottle of your favourite drink. This was a new scene, his head hanging low in the glow of the vending machine underneath the dark sky. If you asked yesterday's you if there would ever be a time where you were caught in an intimate setting with Minho after all those quarrels, you would have said no. But here you were, facing him in the quiet of the night.

Vulnerable words were exchanged that night, minds finally understanding each other for the first time in years. Minho knew he was being a dick to you. He knew and yet did nothing to fix it. You were better off without him anyway. He wasn't a knight, and he would never be. Even if he saw himself through your eyes back then, his mind wouldn't change. Minho noticed early on that you were made to achieve heights he could only dream of—a fact he could never forget because everyone around him was saying the exact same thing. And as your best friend, that made him so proud. On the contrary, he was somewhat plain. At first he wanted to continue sticking by you because he thought he'd be influenced to do better; but the opposite happened and he was starting to influence you instead. That scared Minho, and the unknown pressure he personally put on himself made it seem ten times worse than it actually was—which, mind you, should not have been something he became anxious over. 

He also knew it was stupid to cut ties with you so suddenly, but this was a chance for the both of you to start over a new life and live in the bubbles you both rightfully belonged to. That was why he felt like his perfect world was shattered when you found your way back to him through the dance club. What were you doing here? When did you even start liking dance? Was that because of him too? He wanted you to turn around and leave immediately. Yet the more he pushed you away, the more the thought of you kept crashing into his mind, not showing signs of leaving even in the dead of night. Minho was growing feelings, and he despised himself for it. So he did what he apparently was best at—continuing to make you hate him. His wishes for your happiness were the same reasons why you ended up having the worst time of your life with having to deal with his attitude towards you, all the while Minho was too busy trying to push you away to notice you were hurt by his actions too. Strong emotions can make you do idiotic things. He finally came to his senses on the day you filmed your project together, after days of thinking through what you had said to him back in the dance studio. 

You didn't accept his apology. Even if he was sincerely sorry about it, there was no excuse for how he acted towards you. But that wasn't the reason why you refused to take his apology; it was because you had things to apologise for too. Minho wasn't the only one who had said and done less than kind things throughout this whole ordeal, so you agreed to be on civil terms. Your semester ended with a clean cut between the relationship between you and Minho.

Summer was boring, to say the least. You decided to go back and spend the break with your family in your childhood home. The neighborhood brought back fond memories; some of which were of little you and Minho hanging out after class. Speaking of him, you heard he came back home too—his house only a few down the road from yours. But it's not like you could just visit him anyway. You two were basically strangers now. Not even enemies or rivals. And maybe it hurt more than you thought it would because you found yourself missing his voice at random times of the day (even if his voice in your memories was mostly frustrated and annoyed.) In the living room, you often glanced at the door in hopes that maybe he would come and visit. It was driving you crazy. 

You never thought of liking Minho romantically, but this cliched progression of events was seemingly proving you otherwise. To be fair, there's a chance that what you were feeling was just seeking for what was normal, but either way, it didn't change the fact that it still bothered you. Luckily, your high school class' get-together was the next day, giving you the chance to drink and forget, even just for the night.

Yeah, that party did not go as planned.

What was up with everyone looking for Minho? You weren't even in the same class back then! He wasn't supposed to be there in the first place. Frustrated, you decided to take a shot every time someone mentioned his name in front of you and ended up fairly drunk out of your mind. That must explain why you found yourself sitting in front of Minho's family house in the middle of the night with blurry vision, either from the tears that were threatening to spill or the alcohol. A click from the front door took you out of your thoughts, only to see a shocked Minho staring at you with wide eyes.

"Why the fuck are you here?" He asked, rushing over to lift you up from the ground. "Are you drunk? You smell like alcohol! Let's get you home." Minho placed your arm behind his shoulders and moved to drag you back to the sidewalk. You kept your feet glued to the ground as firmly as you could.

He looks at you with expiration. "Come on, Y/N. Don't make this difficult for the both of us, yeah? Your parents must be looking for you too." You kept quiet, the words you wanted to say stuck in your throat, unable to spill out although you really wanted them to. "Y/N? Did something happen?"

Fuck it.

"I miss you, Minho," you said in a whisper, feeling too weak to go any louder. "I missed you back then, and I still miss you now." Your soft cry froze him in his tracks. His silence was deafening, and you were left assuming the worst. It wouldn't be wrong for him to reject you like this. After all, you had just decided on closing your friendship for good around a week and a half ago, and what you've been feeling for him was still relatively new. Bracing yourself for the words that would probably leave you moping in your room for the remainder of summer break, you opened your eyes to look back at him. 

And there he was, staring at you with so much emotion you couldn't take in.

"And so you do," he says back, just as softly. "If I say I missed you too, what would you want me to do?" 

You felt the sharp shards of ice that were stabbed in your heart from the years of fighting with Minho slowly melt away. There was only one answer to that question. 

"Kiss me." He sighs in content at your answer and pulls you closer, lips so close yet barely touching. 

This little shit. 

You grabbed his collar to close the gap, your lips crashing together as you felt sparks fly, illuminating the place in a light only you two could see. He pulls away slowly after a few seconds, grinning at you like a devil.

"Don't you dare regret this in the morning."

What a cruel summer.

Seungmin had always been a talented guy. He had a knack for being good at whatever you would throw at him, proving to you that he could, in fact, probably do anything. But if there was one thing Seungmin was a total master at, it would be getting on people's good sides—heck, even just the bare minimum of gaining their attention. He was a shining star in everyone's eyes. That was the kind of guy Seungmin was.

So it was to absolutely no one's surprise that he was always considered popular, even as a kid in kindergarten.

That small neighborhood kindergarten was also where you met Seungmin. At the age of five, your little brain had already decided that making friends was a social construct, stubbornly refusing to interact with the other kids for more than three minutes. You were quite an interesting child, to say the least. And maybe that was why five-year-old Seungmin quickly took an interest in you—making it his life's goal to befriend the "shy kid" in class. The teachers would actually beg to differ with that title. You weren't shy, they said. Just "troubled."

As if that changed anything (and it really didn't.)

Yet, Seungmin did what no other kid would have dreamed of attempting, aka, interacting with you. And boy, did he do it with the passion of an Olympic athlete desperate for a medal. The five-year-old was determined to make you his friend—which, now that you think about it, maybe could have just been his pride; not wanting to accept that he couldn't charm someone. Kim Seungmin was the center of attention; that was just his natural role in life. But he stuck to his goal anyway, so you applaud him for his determination on that one. There were a lot of things to describe Seungmin, and being persistent was certainly on the list.

From sitting with you during activities to following you around on the playground, Seungmin would not leave you alone at all. He would trail behind you like a lost puppy (to be fair, he does resemble one) throughout most of the day, even though you barely looked back and acknowledged him. The only time you ever did so was when you got annoyed and told him to go away. And he did.

For about six minutes, before you had someone tailing you again. 

One day, you'd just had enough of his antics, already planning to blow up without a single remorse on the poor guy to stop all this nonsense—up until he suddenly presented you with a pen with your favorite cartoon character on it, saying it was a gift he got you. Apparently, he begged his mom to buy it as a gift for you because you were the first thing he thought of the moment he saw the pen's design. Young you immediately felt so bad for plotting war on him only a few minutes back, your resolve folding only seconds later.

Seungmin wasn't that bad, you remember convincing yourself.

Your view of Seungmin turned a complete one-eighty after that event. It was then that you finally accepted his advances and allowed the friendship to start. Surprisingly, it survived past kindergarten all the way to elementary—something you probably should have expected since you even ended up in the same grade school (courtesy of your dear mother, who—like everyone else—took a liking to Seungmin and wanted you to keep being friends with him.)

Seungmin was as popular as ever, earning countless recognitions left and right for anything and everything under the sun. The complete opposite of you, who your classmates often forget was even there in the first place. You didn't mind, of course—still bearing the same mindset you had in kindergarten. As long as you had Seungmin, everything was fine. You didn't need anyone else; you'd already made it through life without your only friend before he even remembered your name. It's not like they were really needed.

Right? 

That's what you originally thought, anyway. Yet, there was something you failed to notice up until the two of you reached middle school. And boy, were you in for a rude awakening. One that was worse than hearing your father turn the TV on at the break of dawn, with a volume louder than you flushing the toilet at midnight.

The first seed of doubt was planted during ninth grade, when you overheard a group of girls from your class talking about Seungmin. It wasn't long 'til you understood that they were his admirers, seeing as they were blatantly conversing about how Seungmin looked very attractive during baseball practice yesterday. How they could find him handsome in all his sweaty glory is beyond you. He honestly just looked like a whole bucket of water was dumped on him. But you guess there was always something for everyone, and continued to listen in. After all, even you knew that the Kim Seungmin of your school was pretty well-known as the "campus crush."

So when one of the girls mentioned wanting to give him a drink during today's practice break, you decided to give them money-worthy information—revealing your best friend's favorite drink. You knew that Seungmin wasn't very vocal about his own preferences, very much aware of how that would only cause more problems for him—his words, not yours. If his middle school fan club heard him complaining about them at the kitchen counter, shuddering over the sheer thought of what they could and are capable of doing, they'd be floored.

It was merely a short comment. "Seungmin likes coffee beverages," was all you inserted into their (rather loud) conversation. You had no particular expectation of the response you were going to get, but the one you actually got caught you off guard. That was because instead of focusing on the detail you had just dropped, they were more dumbfounded by the fact that you even knew that at all. What, did they think you were a stalker or something? Seungmin's fangirl deep inside? You knew what drinks he liked because he was your best friend—oh.

That was the exact moment you realized: in the eyes of almost everyone else, you and Seungmin had no connection other than being schoolmates in the same batch.

All your interactions with Seungmin were after school: you would go to school and home together, as well as hang out on free days. But you had little to no contact once you entered the school gates, which was where Seungmin normally bid you farewell to head straight towards his other friends. And that was fine with you. Not everything has to be shoved in people's faces.

You could survive even without your and Seungmin's friendship being public knowledge.

Except you soon come to the conclusion that you actually do—because that ugly green and sticky feeling in your stomach (which you later recognized as envy) was loudly screaming every time you heard one of his friends get addressed as "Seungmin's friend." Now, getting your identity watered down to being classified as merely a friend of another person is something that would greatly piss other people off, but you could care less. Your brain was experiencing tunnel vision on the fact that these people could be seen as Seungmin's friends by everyone else while you were stuck hiding in the shadows. It was eating you alive at that point; you wanted to stand right beside him too, like the "best friend" you claimed you were.

The ache grew even more during high school, when you found out you had formed romantic feelings towards Seungmin. It was sudden—or maybe not. Who knows? All you did know was that the realization crashed into you like a speeding bullet train. Seungmin wasn't even doing anything noteworthy—simply on the verge of dozing off during one of your many study sessions. But you found yourself focusing on little intricate details, such as the way he held the pen in a way that made him look like he was ready to write anytime in the next second despite his eyelids drooping oh-so-endearingly to the point that it warmed your heart (and face.)

Something about him that day was making you feel things you knew you shouldn't be feeling. And the mere knowledge of this terrified you, because how could you? If you couldn't even be known as his friend, how could you ever become his lover? And so you chose the most rational course of action.

To distance yourself from him.

Fine, maybe that wasn't the best decision you ever made. Especially not when the Kim Seungmin himself starts chasing you around school just to get you to talk to him. The whole deal greatly reminded you of your younger years, when it all started. And maybe that was why you folded once again, exactly like you did back then.

"Y/N, just talk to me," you remember his exhausted plea along the school's covered pathway, the one connected to the gym where the rest of your classmates were. Why was he even here? His class didn't have the same PE schedule as yours—if anything, you remember from the short conversation you had with Seungmin back at the start of the school year that they had math during this time (a detail you scolded yourself over, because why did you know that?)

His softening grip on your arm brought you back to reality, effectively making you turn and finally look at him. What you saw broke your heart entirely. Seungmin, the Kim Seungmin, campus crush, the main character of everyone's lives, was barely holding back his tears from escaping his glistening eyes, swirling with anxiousness and fear. "Did I do something wrong?" He asked in a fragile tone, his voice so small and soft it was practically a whisper—almost as if he were any louder, you'd fade away into the wind and leave him. "If I did, please tell me. I—I don't want to lose you," Seungmin choked out, the words feeling so heavy on his mouth. The same words he spent days dreading the implications of, nights he lost sleep over from the overwhelming emotion.

To you and everyone else who knew him, Kim Seungmin was a bright light. Yet, right now, only for your eyes—he was the dimmest he had ever been.

"No. There's nothing wrong," you lied through your teeth, tearing yourself apart inside for subjecting him to another kind of pain; one that he wasn't even aware of yet. All you had to do was cover it up with a white lie, "I was just—I was just being stupid. This thing... It was bothering me so much. So, I just wanted to be alone. That's all."

"I'm sorry," were the final words of your guilt-laced excuse. You didn't know how you even got through the whole thing. At this point, you don't even think you deserved to be called Seungmin's friend anymore. He trusted you, but you betrayed him with lies. Maybe the shadows really were the right place for you. A place where you could enjoy everything you desired, even in the midst of complete darkness.

These thoughts stayed as you relayed every single detail of your fully made-up concern to Seungmin after school.

Both of your lives returned to normal after that. Or at least, how normal it would be for you after the shocking revelation. You often found yourself worrying over almost everything, overthinking even the smallest of details. It certainly didn't help that Seungmin had been acting all weird lately—unconsciously avoiding your eyes when you spoke to him, and getting all fidgety when you two were alone. Maybe it was the weeks of silently doubting the validity of your friendship, or the dismay of feeling like he wanted to be anywhere else other than with you during your hangouts, that you finally burst out crying in front of him one day.

Seungmin was completely rattled, not expecting you to suddenly break down in his room while you two were watching a comedy movie. One would think that you were supposed to be laughing; that's because you actually should have been—not full on sobbing. Yet when he eventually got you to pour out everything you've been holding back, his mind went into static.

All he could say was that his thoughts greatly differed from yours.

This whole time, he believed that just like in kindergarten, you would have preferred him to stay away from you in school—wanting to attract as little attention as possible; something that was unavoidable if you were to be known as someone connected to him. So, for that reason, he kept his distance, opting to make up for the time you spent practically ignoring each other by walking you to and from school, treating you to small meals and snacks along the way, and hanging out whenever you both were free.

Don't get him wrong, though; his actions weren't just purely platonic. Seungmin had actually liked you since elementary school but decided to keep it to himself until you showed any signs of returning the sentiment. Admittedly, he first approached you with the aim of being friends for a petty reason. "Y/N doesn't seem to like you, Seungmin," he recalls as clearly as a bright day. The observation came from one of his classmates back in kindergarten, and as a child used to receiving only love, Seungmin was not about to accept not earning yours.

Yet, as time went on, he soon realized that you were the only one who actually stuck by him (aside from his family, of course.) Seungmin never wanted to admit it, but he grew quite attached to you—to the point that if someone asked him if he saw you in his future, he would one-hundred percent say yes without any hesitation at all.

You were a very precious person to him, and there was no denying it.

During elementary years, Seungmin's fondness turned into something more. He wasn't ignorant, even as a child; he knew well what crushes were and had no issue classifying you as his. At that time, though, just like any other kid, he didn't dwell too much on it—opting to enjoy growing up with you rather than bother himself with feelings that he believed didn't need to be complicated.

Seungmin's not-so-platonic emotions directed towards you were placed to the side, unmoving and silenced. It stayed there until high school—when they pushed their way back to the forefront of his mind, where there was no escaping it. The reason? Your decision to distance yourself from him.

In school was one thing, but for you to avoid him outside of it? Unheard of. There was only one time you two were separated for this long, and that was back before you even became friends. Seungmin was definitely suffering with each passing day, but he still chased you. Giving up was not a choice when you were probably hurting too. The thought pained him more than he wanted it to be.

Though the memory of him revealing his raw emotions to you in such a manner was sort of humiliating (but because it was you, he felt less judged); Seungmin didn't regret it one bit. Still, he found it hard to act normally after all that. Having his romantic feelings out in a place where he could barely contain them was more difficult than he thought. Every moment with you just felt so overwhelming—he had to restrain himself from smothering you in a tight hug and never letting you go.

But he didn't need to hide it anymore. 

"You're worth more to me than you'll ever know," he says, cupping your face gently as you hiccup through muffled apologies, unable to stop the tears from streaming down your cheeks like waves. Seungmin placed a feathery kiss on your forehead, the unexpected feeling taking you out of your own spiraling thoughts of negativity to notice that his hands were trembling—along with his wavering voice. "I'm sorry too," he swallowed, sensing his emotions rising as a result of your sniffling. "I'll do my best to never let you feel that way again."

"So give us another chance, please."