贅沢な生活

"Can I buy you a drink?" (approaching my muse at a bar)

"Oh, sorry!" (walking in on my muse in the shower)

"How are you feeling?" (visiting my muse while they’re sick)

"What happened?!" (finding my muse injured and bleeding)

"I didn’t know you were into this…" (finding porn on my muse’s computer)

"Get out!" (after a fight with my muse)

"You’re ticklish!" (tickling my muse)

"I want you." (propositioning my muse)

[ text ] i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled “dibs!”…

[ text ] I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

[ text ] I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

[ text ] My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber…I’m buying the engagement ring tomorrow

[ text ] i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled “5 second rule” and kept fucking me. i think im in love

[ text ] So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to “get the fuck back bitch you don’t know my life”

[ text ] Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him.

[ text ] The ticket read “Found nude in a tree”

[ text ] the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said “oh, you’re hot.” and went back to sleep.

[ text ] He literally didn’t stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

[ text ] why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

[ text ] Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

[ text ] he took off my shirt and said ‘oh my god the legends are true’

[ text ] after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he’d drunk himself backward in time.

[ text ] I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

[ text ] I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

[ text ] also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

[ text ] Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to “i can hear you having sex”.

[ text] You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

[ text ] Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.

[ text ] He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.

[ text ] You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled “I gotta split anyway.”

[ text ] Hey, it’s not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn’t handle the rough sex you’re into.

[ text ] He claimed he was the best ass eater. He was right.

[ text ] I’ve been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night…. When you pushed me through that glass table.