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she would be lying if she said that she didn’t still harbour feelings for grizz, i mean come on. he’s intelligent, warm, kind and super hot. but there was something between them, something she couldn’t deny that told her that they were made to be friends – she never went against her gut instinct. gwen linked arms with her friend and gave him a playful and bright smile. “hey at least i offered one, usually i’d just watch the destruction with a smirk on my face. but what can i say, i’m  a changed person.” she joked, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “i can’t say that i have, but if you think that’s in my future then i would be a fool to dismiss it.”

“ so changed, ”  grizz deadpans, but the phrase doesn’t lack warmth. he and gwen had bonded quite a bit on the first expedition into the woods –– and they’ve grown closer in its wake, having shared in losing emily in real time.  “ your character development is uncanny. like. who are you ?  are you even gwen ? ”  at her follow-up on the united nations comment, grizz can only purse his lips and furrow his brow, like he’s expertly surveying the global impact of her future involvement in the organization.  “ yep. i can see it. small yet fearsome. you are definitely going to be our best bet against totalitarian north korea. ”  he pauses, giving her arm a light squeeze. “ dunno though. with this recent surge in good samaritanism ?  this new you might not scare ‘em enough. ”

starter for @hvndcvffed!

how could he have texted grizz?

he wanted to- believe him, he wanted to. his fingers, in the car back to the house with becca, were tapping against the back of his phone case, itching to compose some sweet letter like they did in the old days, how prose could make a man fall at your feet when your appearance couldn’t. sam wasn’t a writer by any stretch of the imagination, but he could be CHARMING, sometimes. much more so than attractive.

blue’s words continually sank in his heart. he really was going to die a virgin, wasn’t he?

within the hour, he realized how lucky he was to just not die. not yet.

becca was immediately in one of the rooms, where sam’s heart forbid him from entering. his old sneaker, a hand me down from his brother, brushed along the linoleum floor, and he thought about how often he watched grizz do the same thing, usually from a distance. he knew the shoes, was able to find them in a crowd, when they were beaten and ripped from years of gravel.

his eyes rose to meet grizz’ when he noticed the shoes traveling towards him.

“thanks. for your number-” that was a totally weird thing to say, what kind of guys thanks another guy for his number- a straight guy, at that? wait, shit, did grizz know sam was gay? was that something worth mentioning?

even in this situation, where someone fucking DIED, sam was panicking about grizz. he hated himself for it- genuinely, with his entire soul. but he looked into grizz’ soft eyes and took a breath. 

peachy. things might be peachy again. even this. even now.

he searched for words to say. “i’m really sorry for your loss.”

grizz spends a grand total of two minutes lingering in the doorway of the room in which keiran’s body lay, trying to gain some kind of information from blue beyond hey told me he loved me, you know. he told me he loved me tonight. 

but blue just... broken-recorded the shit out of those words, and grizz couldn’t–– he couldn’t stand there and take it any more, his ex-friend sobbing over another addition to new ham’s body count. so he offers up clipped condolences and spins on his heels. ducks into that hall and walks with his eyes half-closed, because... maybe if he can’t see THEM, they can’t see HIM, bleary-eyed and ghost-white, hands trembling by his sides. 

yeah. that’s it. and if HE can’t see himself, THEY can’t either, and maybe grizz can pretend to handle this situation with more grace. more poise. he trains his eyes on white tiles and wills himself forward, onward, nowhere in particular. he feels TORN in eighteen different directions :  do people need water ?  food ?  is cassandra alone ?  is somebody watching her ?  who’s with tess; is she okay ?  where is BECCA ?  why does it feel like, any second, this hospital could IMPLODE ?  

safety’s a commodity new ham isn’t privileged enough to hold. there’s a KILLER on the loose. their leader is comatose. keiran is dead. and he can’t shake the feeling that HE LET THIS HAPPEN.

rubber boot soles clomp against linoleum as grizz walks with his chin tipped down, gaze hung low. if he actually looks anyone in the eye, he might cry. but there’s that voice, gentle against the ongoing tin of panic, and he finds his eyes lift, lift, lifting before he can filter out the ache. chapped lips part but no words surface. so grizz just... stares, and almost forgets to breathe.

i’m really sorry for your loss.

and he doesn’t know how or why, but suddenly he’s smiling, a shredded, broken thing, but it’s something. oh, it’s something. on this iced-over hell of a night, only SAM ELIOT would be able to manage such outright sorcery.

“ yeah, ”  grizz nods. his eyes glisten with tears unshed but he refuses to go there. his father’s words reverberate in his core as he shoves his hands in his hoodie pockets and rocks back and forth on his heels. he bites the inside of his cheek and twists.

A VISSER NEVER WEIGHS YOU DOWN.

“ i was shocked when the machines were out of peanut m&m’s, too. ”  cue a watery chuckle. it’s shaky. sad. clipped. if it lasts any longer, it’ll morph into a sob, so grizz swallows the sound. purses his lips. meets those bright blue eyes and hopes he doesn’t look as shattered as he feels. “ glad i’m not alone in my grief. ”

grizz sniffles. signs the phrase he fucked up just days before, in asl this time. “ how are you ? ”  his weight shifts from foot to foot, toe to heel. sorrow twists up his neck, wraps along his carotid artery, and sinks its teeth. he tags on more words because if he doesn’t, he might bleed out. right here. right in front of sam. “ with, uh... everything. ”  

keiran wasn’t here.

hannah wanted to go back to before she’d found out.

@hvndcvffed​

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every moment since that one had been hell. a blur of pain. all her family was gone. probably dead. definitely dead. she had no one. no one to protect her or love her or make her feel safe. the only thing left that made her feel invincible—or at least numb—was alcohol.

she lay slumped against the wall of her bathroom, sitting on a crumpled towel that she’d probably knocked over. she didn’t remember. she didn’t remember what day it was or how long she’d been here or why she’d decided to sit here.

slowly, she cracked her eyes open and realized she was cradling her and keiran’s bottle of mixed liquor. anything they found that could be hidden from their dad in what had formerly been a bottle of surface cleaner. a pitiful groan fell out of her throat and she closed her eyes again. it was almost empty.

at the last drop, he’d really be gone.

desperate to forget it all again, she took another sip. it was a bad idea. as soon as the noxious liquid hit her tongue, her stomach roiled and tried to erupt. she fought it back, leaned against the cool tile again, and breathed shakily. nonono. her thoughts were a spiral of sorrows. she never threw up. she couldn’t now.

suddenly, she remembered there was nothing left to throw up. she hadn’t eaten since prom. she had barely moved since after the hospital. she had thrown up last night. or maybe it was yesterday.

peeling her eyes open again, she thought she heard someone open the door. “go away,” she mumbled.

grizz prepares to let himself in to the jordan residence using a spare key. but he finds the front door unlocked, knocked about two millimeters askew from complete closure. he edges the key into the pocket of his letterman and nudges the door open with his toe.

“ hannah ? ”  he calls into the front foyer. no response. as expected. his lips twist into a scowl as he makes tentative steps into the house, taking extra care to close and lock the door behind him. deadbolt, too. concern rushes through his veins as he scans each and every inch of the hallway, the living room, the kitchen. no intruders. but no one’s seen hannah out and about for days, and...

   “okay so – i can’t remember a single thing from prom, not after arriving anyway. but from my camera roll, it looks like i had fun at least – i just want to apologise if i did anything to offend you, unless you deserved it of course and in that case haha.”    

grizz blinks at gwen like she’s got three heads. because, of all things to be concerned about right now, offending him doesn’t top his list. it shouldn’t top anyone’s. but he doesn’t need to say that–– as he stands on the sidewalk with a large commuter cup of black coffee, he just gives a shrug before taking a long swig. it’s a bit too hot, but the burn on his tongue keeps him alert. 

“ that’s the pinnacle of peace offerings, ”  he jests with a light smile. he’s thankful for a distraction. he’s on his way to check in on hannah, and, well... something tells him he’s not going to like what he finds.  “ especially that haha. wow, gwen. have you considered a career with the UN ? ”

jaiden hadn’t expected his teammate to find him out on the ledge, but the company wasn’t unwelcomed. he wasn’t exactly close friends with many of the guys around town, devon being the only real exception, his his fellow players were drifters in jaiden’s world of trust and deception. 

he pulls the rolled herbs back to his lips, a cloud flowing from his lips as he releases the smoke. his eyes drift to the sky for a moment, the sun hiding behind the horizon as the sky casts pink and orange in the distance. 

jaiden glances over, brow quirking at the boy. “ want a hit ? promise i got rid of that cootie shit years ago. “ his lips turn up in a sly smile, hand offering the joint his way. if he wanted it, he could. if he didn’t, more for him. 

“ holdin’ up ? i’m good, man. little death can’t scare me— but you were friends with the girl, right ? cass usually had a few from the team wrapped around her finger. “

friends. the word doesn’t sit right. he and cassandra... they were friends. are friends. but she’s seen into him, seen through him, for years. people used to place BETS on them, the power couple destined-to-be :  and they’d always laughed at that. west ham foolishness. because they were never romantic, would never be romantic. but that’s what happens when friendships grow more powerful than words. people see romanticism in lieu of reverence. fierce bonds are less frightening when people assume desire’s at play.

grizz watches as jaiden’s breath streaks gray against the sky. it’s nearly morning :  reds and oranges sprawl across the lowest sliver of the horizon. morning pricks at night’s lashline. soon, it’ll bleed out against gravity, up and up and over, until midnight blues drown in red-golden hues and darkness tucks its tail. the sky will brighten. the stars will slink back to their lairs. tonight will become yesterday. and its events will etch themselves into new ham’s veins. 

the scar won’t fade.

grizz ducks his head and stares at his lap. he empties his lungs and tries not to dwell on jaiden’s tense too long. 

were. had.

“ i am, ”  grizz corrects. he bites his cheek. keiran is a was. but cassandra –– she can’t follow. grizz won’t let her. he eyes the joint before conceding, raising it to his lips. he savors that first hit, holds his breath for several seconds, before allowing smoke to billow out from his nose. cassandra would probably berate him for this. but it’ll take the edge off, stop him from comparing that SUNRISE to KEIRAN’S BLOOD. 

will’s mouth shifted to the side at the statement. he surely knew the need to disappear. how much he missed the ability to fade into the background. and grizz had witnessed first hand how desperate he had gotten to just be on his own. he didn’t comment on that.

“you’re always welcomed in my space.”  there was an understanding that he was talking about more than just the kitchen. more than the house he’d been squatting in.

he returned his smile though he noted that the other’s had a shaky foundation. he wondered how long had it been since grizz had felt peace or the refreshment of rest.

will flicks a few of the lights back off. the one in the backroom providing the otherwise dark room. he crosses the large kitchen and joins him on the floor. taking the other door of the fridge to put his back against. the question makes his skin crawl. it always did and probably always would.

“i’d rather know how you’re doing.”, his wide brown eyes searching to connect with his.

you’re always welcomed in my space. grizz’s mind flits back to the night he discovered will in that abandoned house on carlyle. he recalls their heartfelt words exchanged there. and on the church steps, the night the buses dropped them here. you’re always welcomed in my space. that sentence circles around his shoulders and squeezes. yeah. he gets it.

will eases down beside him and grizz’s fingertips still dance atop his knees, threading and weaving, restlessly distracting from the empty ACHE in his chest. will’s more interested in how he’s doing, and that’s ––

that’s not in grizz’s repertoire.

so he takes in a long breath. looks away. how is he doing ?  he’s spent so much time turning outward these past few days that he lacks adjectives. his lips leap to form hardwired autopilot responses. good. alright. fine. okay. grizz combs hair behind his ear and nods to will, to himself. lips pursed. brow lifted.

“ i’m... y’know. ”  sleep-deprived. shaky. uncertain. guilty. angry. LOST.   “ i’m hangin’ in, ”  he manages. his shirt bunches at the shoulders as he shrugs. it’s the first time he’s been HONEST about this. “ it’s all... it isn’t really about me. i just... want to do what i can. ”  grizz pauses. his index and middle fingers hook against one another. hook and drag, hook and drag.

new ham’s BODY COUNT is rising. dread cat’s-cradles its way through his ribs and tugs them taught beneath his skin. eventually, they won’t be able to tally their dead on ONE HAND. 

grizz speaks from a place of paper-thin optimism. things can’t be FIXED. justice can’t CHANGE anything. but he can try. he can try to MEND this torn-up town, to slot together its jagged pieces into something less VILE.

”no you’re not, you’re exhausted. you’ve been up all night and you’re stressed, and you’re running on empty.” tess knew him like the back of her hand, better than she knew herself most of the time. “there are plenty of people here that can stay here. allie’s here, peyton’s here, monty, robbie. no one is going to leave her alone and no one is going to let anything else happen to her.” she knew what this was, it was the same as with emily. he somehow felt responsible and he couldn’t get rid of that thought until he was told otherwise. even then, it would take a lot of convincing to get him out of that head space. she decided to take a different approach.

“you’ve done a lot today,” she insisted, pushing his hair out of his face again. the downward tilt of his head kept sending it back. “and you’re no good to her like this. let someone else take over for a little while. i’ll do it if you want.” she bit her lower lip. she didn’t trust him to actually sleep without supervision but who would go with him? everyone. any one would go with him, it was grizz. “i can find someone to take you home. they can hold your phone for you and wake you if something changes. i can ask willow… or maybe willow could stay here and i can…” she trailed off. go with you. the words pulled at her even just thinking them.

no one is going to let anything else happen to her.

but they already have, and grizz feels like he’s broken the ONE PROMISE he’s made to everyone who’s pocketed a piece of his heart. cassandra’s on that bed and he has to trust that allie has it all covered –– the meds. because her condition isn’t his secret to tell; he doesn’t know all the details. but he knows enough to glean the DIRE nature of it all. he’s not certain anyone else GETS IT, besides the people who know. himself. allie. sam. and that’s why he can’t leave. THAT’S why sleep CAN’T come first.

what are they going to DO, if he’s not here and her levels waver ?  how are they going to SAVE her if they don’t KNOW what they’re up against ?  grizz gnaws at the inside of his cheek. he can’t leave. he can’t CHANCE it. 

hazel eyes flutter closed; bushed lungs intake a sharp dose of air. tess brushes his hair back and grizz still feels her fingertips against his forehead long after they’ve fallen away.

“ tess, ”  he exhales. his eyes reopen in slower motion; his eyelids grind against inertia. he’s reminded of a rap he wrote for cassandra in ninth grade physical science, a jokey little jingle that became a class-wide success. if he holds his breath, he can practically feel it now, the folder-to-desk generated beat. the pencil-top eraser drum solo. goggles on, arms crossing and uncrossing like a bad 90′s music video. grizz taught himself how to moonwalk for this one.

inertia !  keeps a body at rest !  or movin’ in a straight liiiiiiine.  inertia –– oh ! –– WUT !

cassandra’s got inertia there, on that hospital bed. 

grizz blinks. breathes. the memory’s warmth sits out, grows cold.

“ i... you don’t have to. ”  he broke his promise; he broke the vow he’d taken when he’d accepted his role. to guard. to PROTECT. and as he meets tess’s gaze again, the knife-edge digs. because he’s broken his promise to HER, too.

he can’t leave. cassandra can’t become a MARTYR. not like this. NOT like THIS.

“ i just... i just need a coffee. i’ll be okay. ”

“ man, this is all some stupid shit. we’re all stuck in this tiny ass town and someone decides to run a bitch over ? like really ? “ jaiden couldn’t help but roll his eyes, a joint lit between his fingers as he pulled it to his mouth. “ i knew this town was fucking crazy, but d a m n. “

it seemed like it was a sensitive subject for everyone else, but jaiden could care less— he’d seen worse. not on a full-scale half population disappearance, but the hit and run ? pussy shit. 

grizz climbs his way to the roof with a coffee from one of those sketchy “ café ” vending machines at the apex of the clinic’s two main halls. it’s bland and stale, but he’s grateful to wash away the taste of his own tinny breath. allie’s with cassandra and he figures he should give them time alone :  but not without insisting allie text him if anything goes awry. the door’s already propped open and grizz feels dread wash over him as he nudges the door open with his foot and slips through. 

but it’s just jaiden, and the tension eases. grizz settles to a seat beside his teammate before taking a pensive sip of his drink. it burns his tongue. he’s just happy to feel something besides the ache in his chest.

“ yeah man, it’s... it’s wild. ”  he’s temped to ask for a hit, but refrains. after this coffee, he’ll go back to cassandra’s room. stand watch. he’s got to be alert for that. to make sure nothing happens to make this situation any worse. light fingertips trace patterns against the paper cup pressed between weary palms.

Will took one step inside, only to be mildly startled by the presence of another. “Oh sorry, I didn’t realize anyone would be in here.”

perks of being on the guard ? access to keys. grizz lets himself into the caf early, at four in the morning to be exact, because... it’s the one place he knows no one will think to look for him. not when he’s leading another gardening session later today. he sits on the floor against the fridge in the dark, knees pulled up to his chest, and just... breathes. thinks. 

his dad would know what to do right now.

the door knob across the room rattles and then it swings open. the light flicks on. he squints up into newfound light and blinks until the silhouette in the doorway comes into focus.

“ will. ”  he’s relieved. of all people, grizz is glad it’s him. lack of sleep deepens the circles under his eyes but grizz still manages a thin-pressed shell of a smile. “ sorry, i, uh... i know this is your space, i just... ”  grizz clenches his hands atop his knees. “ guess i needed to disappear for a while. ”  he sighs and leans back against the fridge a bit more, cool metal pressing against the fabric of his centurions hoodie.

“hey.” she lets him take her hand and uses the sleeve on the other one to wipe his eyes as gently as she can. how’re you doin? her mind flashes back to when she went to see him after emily. he was the one who’d been there, who had to watch her die, who was falling apart. but the first words out of his mouth had been how are you? she tries to smile but she can’t muster it while he looks like this. “i’m- getting there.” she knows she shouldn’t, but her hand reaches into his hair, pushing it back out of his face.

she doesn’t need to ask how he’s doing, she can see it on his face. they were close, him and cassandra. it was one of the only times she’d felt threatened by someone. freshman year she’d rounded a corner to see them talking, laughing, like their was something between them. he wasn’t even hers yet but it had still hurt. it took a lot of convincing to believe that there was nothing going on. she feels guilty thinking about it now, with cassandra right there in her current state.

she takes a breath, knowing he’s going to fight her on what she’s about to say. “i know you probably don’t want to hear this,” she makes sure to keep eye contact, “but you really need to get some sleep.”

grizz blinks as she blots. somehow, it helps–– like this is a joint effort, and opening and closing his eyelids might negate the fact that he’s cried to the point of dehydration. tess is here. tess is getting there, and grizz is so fucking grateful she doesn’t ask him how he is. grizz lacks the words. how would he possibly answer ?  he finds himself transported to this past summer, conducing post-hike camper evals. there were three possible ratings :  below adequate. sufficient. good. below adequate, grizz thinks to himself, and proverbially checks the corresponding box.

from tess’s hand, grizz doesn’t dare let go.

one of his closest friends, one of the only people besides tess who knows every piece of him... is on life support. grizz knows what must be done to move forward :  keiran’s burial. a new  an interim leader. but he’s been rooted to this spot for the past eternity, lower lip raw from the bite and tug and bite and tug of distress.

cassandra’s in a coma. keiran is dead. and it could have been any damn one of them.

tess speaks but he’s already shaking his head, just a millimeter’s worth of lateral motion. it’s all his stiff muscles will allow.

“ i’m fine, ”  grizz resists. bloodshot eyes and sunken features note otherwise.  there’s to much to do, to much to organize, and–– and grizz has a hunch this wasn’t an accident. which means he can’t leave this room–– he won’t, not when he’s on the guard and this still happened on his watch. he’ll sit here and protect, sit here and oversee, because he doesn’t trust anyone else to do the same.

“ i’m–– ”  grizz looks over tess’s shoulder toward cassandra. his voice breaks. he grounds his gaze back to tess and lets out a shaky breath. his next words settle like gossamer.  “ someone needs to stay here. ”  and that someone is him.

When the door creaked open, Blue barely looked up from Kieran. He doesn’t want to look at whoevers come in because they’ll see him. Holding a dead man because he’s not ready to let go. He never will be. He wants to die here. Holding Kieran. That way he doesn’t have to get up and live on without him. 

In the back of Blue’s mind he knows he should be angry. They he should tell Grizz to fuck off. To get out of the room but he doesn’t feel anything. Everything that he was angry about feels stupid. Feels childish. Sexuality. Lying. Friendship. Distrust. What did any of that matter when Kieran was dead? What did anything matter? It didn’t. It just didn’t. So, Blue simply lay his head back down on Kieran’s chest. A bit of blood from Kieran’s face was in his hair now but he hadn’t notice. 

Grizz is talking but Blue’s not really heading any of it. It’s just words floating around a room. A voice he didn’t want to hear. A voice that wasn’t his loves so it was mute. Closing his eyes tightly, Blue could have sworn he could hear a heart beat in there but its just his own or his imagination.

 He wants to die here. 

When he glances at Grizz again, his hands curl into the front of Kieran’s shirt and hold it tightly. He’s wearing one of the many hoodies that Kieran had left at his house. “He told me he loved me tonight.” Blue finally mutters in a small voice, tears starting to flow again. “He told me he’d put a band on my finger. That he fucking loved me.” Blue went on. “I told him I loved him too. I do love him. You know?” He feels his heart sinking into his stomach. He’s already thrown up three or four times tonight. He’s got nothing else left in him to throw up. 

Eyes closed again, Blue draws in a deep breath. Kieran doesn’t smell like Kieran anymore. He smells like dirt and blood. “Do you understand?” Blue asked. “He said he loved me.” Blue mumbled again. He needed Grizz to understand. Nothing else mattered. Nothing he said before matter. Nothing before this fucking moment mattered. That’s waht he needed to understand. All those holes he poked in Grizz tonight, they were pin pricks compared to this. They didn’t matter. Not to Blue anyways. 

grizz lingers in the doorway and can’t quite bring himself to cross the threshold. the way they left things–– the way blue left things, his company wasn’t exactly... wanted. he chews on the inside of his bottom lip and looks down, away, to the small stand of vaccination pamphlets to the left of the door. influenza no more ! ... zap away zika ! ... gardasil: a parent’s guide to hpv prevention. blue speaks and grizz... grizz listens. because he knows no different, it’s wired into his veins. he listens. 

do you understand ?  he said he loved me.

tired weight shifts from foot to foot. grizz nods. his lips twist into a pained scowl. yeah. he understands keiran’s gone, and blue’s heart is bleeding. but it’s not his place to close the distance. it’s not his place to mend. so he simply teeters in the doorway, one foot in and one foot out, drawing in each breath like the air might fill his chest and crust over with cement.

“ i’ll tell helena, ”  he murmurs across the miles of space between them. he counts floor tiles in lieu of lifting his eyes. he shouldn’t have come.  “ she can... work that in. ”  

it feels cold, responding with clerical aim, but grizz can’t do it again. he can’t stretch out his heart in his hands only to have blue set it aflame. there’s only so many times a friend can try to save another. from the world. from himself.

“ i–– ”  i’m sorry. for your loss. for all of it. “ do–– ”  do you need anything ?  grizz’s tongue presses firm against the roof of his mouth as he finally wills his chin to rise. his eyes settle on keiran’s body instead.

in doing so, he draws a line in the sand between them. it shatters into a fucking chasm.

i don’t want to see you.

grizz gulps.

                                                                            i don’t want to hear from you.

his boot just barely brushes forward.

                                                                           i don’t want you checking up.

it slides against the floor. 

                                                                           i don’t want you near me.

he shuffles past the doorframe, a difference of mere inches.

                                                                           i hate you.

he halts. blue hates. and there’s no point in this any more. any progress forward is dashed in one deliberate step back. but something keeps grizz from leaving. a hand lingers on the doorframe, and his breath labors. blue hates him. so why does he still feel a responsibility to stay ?

“ i’m gonna–– ”  grizz ducks his head. sucks on his cheek. “ do you want me to––  ”  his eyes go dim.  “ i think i should... go. ”

@hvndcvffed

it wasn’t until tess saw the sun as she passed a window that she’d realized how long they’d been here. she and grizz were some of the first people to arrive and they hadn’t been even remotely asleep when they’d left. she’d been napping when monty had forced her out of bed for prom but she doubted grizz had slept in at least 24 hours.

she almost hadn’t seen him on the floor. she surveyed the scene, not even bothering to ask what he was doing on the floor instead of in a chair, and dropped gently to her knees in between his legs. 

it feels better, somehow, to sit guard in cassandra’s room. there’s a perfectly good chair at the side of the blonde’s bed, but grizz sits against the wall opposite to her and presses his chest to his knees. from here, he can see everything: cassandra. the monitors, the window, the door. it’s the only thing he can think to do, to protect her–– even if it is too late.

time resists forward motion. it freezes here, in this freezing room. each heart monitor beep and the respirator woosh seems to slow the earth’s spin. but he keeps on alternating focal points: cassandra, the monitors, the window, the door. lately he’s done a shit job of protecting his friends. but he’ll try. oh, he’ll try–– even if it kills him.

heavy lungs expand and puff carbon dioxide into dry air. warm hazel eyes lose their luster. they’re red-rimmed from crying. or straining. or waking. probably all three. but sleep... sleep isn’t happening. not now. he does another sweep of the room. door. window. monitors. 

tess.

she appears like a ghost, now-you-see-her, and grizz can feel the joke blossom and die in his chest. like a ghost. god. he can’t lose tess, too. his lips press into a tired excuse of a smile.

“ hey, ”  he rasps. he searches her eyes with his own. reaches out, takes her hand, and gives it a ghost of a squeeze. “ how’re you doin’ ? ”

an outline of prom’s happenings, in order of occurrence:

grizz arrives to prom already sufficiently drunk.

after dancing like a buffoon with the team/the guard, he fucks up and tells them he was gonna ditch their asses after graduation.

after that mess-up, grizz asks his ex, tess, to dance with him just as it’s all coming back to me now by celine dion plays. they share a tearful dance. tess breaks off and grizz beelines for the drinks.

sip sip sip, shot shot shot, yay unhealthy coping mechanisms !

an increasingly drunk grizz spots sam from across the room and proceeds to bring him 10,000 desserts and talk to him to fill the motherfucking void in his heart. the two banter about toni morrison and beloved, and he very sloppily puts his number in sam’s phone –– grizhzz :) –– in case they need to, like, talk more about beloved and vomit and crazy ass baby killings and shit.

he inevitably thinks he made a fool of himself talking to sam, questions whether the number scared him off. finds hannah and dances with her to take his mind off things! everything’s great! wooo!

suggests he and hannah play a game of “truth or shot!” and then asks the one thing he told himself he wouldn’t ask tonight. accuses her of being an alcoholic. that... does not go over well.

glug glug glug, mofos.

god damn, he’s drunk and needs air, so let him just dip out for a quick––

aw fuck, is that BECCA and MILES VERNON. he catches those two about to like... hook up or some shit. flips shit. becca slaps him.

hangs in that hallway for a while in a puddle of self-loathing.

stumbles into the bathroom about to puke, but runs into blue instead. gets fuckin’ lanced but honestly? at this point? what the fuck does he expect?

drinks more. finds tess outside. they share a shit ton of alcohol and then he asks her to go home with him.

This was wrong.

Everything about this was wrong. I fucking love you, Blue. They were just dancing. Just agreeing to be together as long as they possibly could. Kieran was talking about putting a wedding band on his finger. This wasn’t happening. It was a bad dream. A really bad dream that Blue was going to wake up from any second now. He was just going to wake up and Kieran was going to be here. Happy as ever to see him. This wasn’t real. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t fucking real. 

Blue lay in Kieran’s hospital bed, his arms wrapped around the boys body, his head pressed against his still warm chest. Tears rolled down his eyes as he heard the room door open. Someone else to tell him he needed to go? Someone else to tell him that he wasn’t there anymore? Someone else. Blue didn’t look up, he tucked his head into Kieran’s chest and let his mop of hair fall in his face. His fist tightened on the front of Kieran’s chest. They were dancing. They were just dancing. 

This wasn’t real. 

His body shook, heaved with deep breaths that stung every time he breathed in. “He’s gonna wake up.” Blue mumbled. “Th-they are wrong, he’s gonna wake up.” He tried to get himself closer to Kieran now, scared that whoever it was, they were going to take him away. If they took him away they couldn’t dance anymore. They couldn’t just keep dancing. Why would anyone do that to them? Take Kieran away.  He wasn’t supposed to go away. 

@hvndcvffed @hannewham

there’s no dirt to toe at here, so grizz’s left shoe scrapes across white linoleum. he watches the dirtied toe of his boot as it swings and digs, swings and digs. as soon as it meets tile, it rises and swoops again. pendular reflex. it’s the only damned thing he knows for certain any more.

he and tess scrambled to the clinic after receiving peyton’s call. grizz tossed on his nearest clothes, so the two of them arrived in matching garb: grizz in a centurions tee and sweats, tess in one of his football hoodies. they look like kids in this hospital, eyes wide and fearful and clueless.

they need to start planning a funeral. a second one. the reality plunks deep into grizz’s gut and pulls.

he steps up because no one else will. grizz walks down the corridor, step by goddamned step, head dipped low. he halts in the entrance to keiran’s –– keiran’s body’s –– room. raps on the door twice with loose knuckles.

“ uh. hi, ”  he rasps, eyes delayed in their lift to meet blue’s. “ i... need to ask you some things. about... ”  this feels wrong. his body’s still in the damned room. but–– if he doesn’t start this process, who will ?  cassandra’s in another room, hooked up to countless machines, and––

he hates himself for thinking it. that she might not be coming back from this. she’d never shied away from death. but her heart’s not even the thing that’s rendered her half-alive.

since the day he left, it’s like she’s been two people trying to inhabit the same body. the one that wants to get as far away from him as possible. to let him know how much this hurts her. how pulling her back in all the time isn’t how this works. but somehow the weaker one is winning. the one who wants to believe that he’ll come back, to be here for him until then. 

“hey, okay? “ no, she wasn’t okay. if this were anyone else, she’d knock their hand off her chin and punch them in the throat. she fights to swallow down the truth which is still very much stuck in her throat and instead shrugs. it’s not a lie. 

the song ends and she knows if she doesn’t get away from him soon, she is going to be hysterical on the middle of the dance floor in front of all of these people. “thanks… for the dance,” she mumbles. her lips gently brush his cheek and it burns. 

grizz nods, just a subtle tip up and down of his chin. it feels... it feels like they’ve just torn open sutures. he’s hit with the realization that she’s... she’s about to let go. walk away. and then life will resume, time will tick on, and this dance will just be added to another list of small blips : the night after emily. the woods. prom. they’ll go back to being apart and he... his breath catches in his throat just thinking about that.

“ ‘course, ”  he murmurs. her lips graze his cheek and he closes his eyes for a moment. pretends it’s not a rarity any more. 

grizz knows he should let go now. though his hands lighten their hold, they linger, unsure of what to do, how to function; unsure of what they are independent from her.

his lips press into a sad smile because that’s what he’s supposed to do. pretend this is alright, and they’re okay, and letting her go doesn’t feel like thousands of needles pricking and twirling their way across his chest.

“ thank you for... dancing. with me. ”  his lips barely move as he speaks. grizz leans down to press a light kiss to the top of her head. he tries not to notice the stinging in his eyes.

a piece of him... most of him... all of him wishes parting weren’t inevitable. but slowly, surely, he forces one hand back to his side, and uses the other to give her shoulder a light squeeze. 

“ enjoy prom, ”  grizz whispers. but the words.... they’re simultaneously hollow and replete with longing. he nods and folds into the ebbing sea of teens before his heart decides otherwise.

shots. he needs about twenty of those.

When Grizz stood up, Blue felt like he was the one on trail now. As if he had defend himself when, this time, he hadn’t done anything wrong. That alone made the hair on the back of his neck stand straight up. All he could see was Sam and Grizz. Sitting at the fuckin’ church party together. Talking. Talking. Flirting. Talking. Acid hurt Blue’s throat now. Acid that was backing him into a corner and cornering animals was rarely a good thing. 

“Yeah, I’m made about taco’s Grizz, you fucking moron.” Blue nearly yelled. He felt his face flush hot as he stepped forwards. His hands shoving Grizz back against the wall that he used to be sitting up against. Fingers twisted into the front of his shirt as he looked at Grizz. He really had no idea what the problem was. The dots just weren’t connecting in that head of his. He really thought he had everyone fooled and yet here they were. 

It felt like they’d been here for a long time. 

Trapped by Blue’s slowly boiling anger. Trapped by Grizz’s inability to be honest with himself. Trapped by knowing each other too well. Maybe other people missed it. The way that Grizz looked at girls he wanted to flirt with but Blue didn’t. He knew the moves and the words and the looks. He’d seen it many times over the years. At one point he’d thought it was being directed at himself but that was a long time ago. Now he knew it wasn’t about girls and boys. Faking or not faking. It was about them. 

“Say that you’re into guys,” Blue growled. “Say that you like men but you just don’t want me.” He added looking at what had been his best friend for so many years. A friend he had fallen off with but still managed to cling on to now and then. A friend he had barely reconnected with before it all fell apart again and he needed closer. “That I am just to goddamn fucked up for you to want. That you fucking lied to me, Grizz. You fucking lied to me.” 

Give me a good reason to fucking hate you.

blue corners him. he’s not expecting it, nor is his drunken mind prepared. so when those fingers dig against his shirt and shove him against the wall, all grizz can do is grit his teeth and screw his eyes shut on impact. it doesn’t hurt, but it jostles his equilibrium. he reaches a palm back to press against the surface, as if feeling it might help realign his stance.

“ jeez–– ”  if he’d known prom would turn him into a literal punching bag, he might’ve thought to wear a blow-up sumo suit instead. he makes no move to push blue off –– best not to potentially spark a fight. but as he opens his mouth to speak again, blue’s words slam against him like a knife to the throat.

say that you’re into guys.

grizz’s throat closes. his eyes widen and he stares like an animal noticing, three seconds too late, that it’s about to be crushed into roadkill.

“ what the fuck, blue–– ”  now he feels under attack. like blue’s got a switchblade pressed against his jugular and he’s pressing, pressing, pressing against his pulse point. out for blood. grizz inhales through clenched teeth and dares to stare back into those blue eyes. what he wants to express is anger and hurt and power, but what surfaces is only anguish, rage, fear.

blue’s got him under his thumb and he’s pressing, twisting, grinding his face up against something he’s spent years attempting to outrun.

“ let go, ”  grizz hisses, in lieu of an answer. in lieu of a shove. he can feel the panic setting in. he knows. he knows. and if blue knows ?  who else ?  this isn’t his to find; and grizz isn’t his to keep. not here. not against this wall. and not in this cage.

“ none of that’s true. none of that is fucking. true. ”  

is he crying ?  grizz bites his lip and levels his chin with the other boy’s. like this, he’s never glared at blue before.

“ i-i don’t know who in the fuck told you that but–– ”  his hands ball up. he wants to scream. grizz’s chest heaves. 

he would’ve preferred blue’s fists any day.

“ i’m not–– ”  he can’t even say it. he can’t even look blue in the eye and just fucking say it, to get out of here. grizz lets out a trembling, broken laugh and knocks his head back against the wall. hard. “ fuck. ”  grizz screws his eyes shut and pretends tears don’t sting at his waterline.

“ i didn’t lie. and even if i–– ”  he should really stop talking. “ even if i fucking did. what the fuck difference would that make ?!  what are you gonna do, huh ? ”  

grizz lifts a hand and points at blue. his index finger pokes at the other boy’s chest. his next words  re malice-dipped and dripping in disdain. 

“ you. don’t get to tell me who the FUCK i am, blue. ”

it all stems from fear, this anger, this... this electrified buzzing sparking from his fingertips. grizz fears if he so much as takes a step he’ll start forest fires. or collapse in tears. he blinks and blinks and blinks. wets his lips and whispers his next request like it’s his dying wish. 

“ drop it. ”

he’ll give blue ten more seconds. ten more seconds to set him free. but after that ?  he’s busting his way out of this goddamn bathroom and downing a whole fucking handle himself.

Shaking his head, Blue watched closely as Grizz stumbled into the room. He wasn’t used to seeing his normally composed, focused, and calm friend this lost in drink. To his memory, he might have seen Grizz like this one other time and that was when they were still learning how much was too much. Not that Blue ever really let that lesson sink in. No, he was far happier to pus the limits every time. Still, this was odd for Grizz. If Blue had been more sober maybe he would have cared but that was a big, old, maybe. Right now, however he couldn’t care less. 

“You know,” Blue walked over to Grizz and sat down next to him. “My step-mom used to rave about you. She said you were so smart. Such a good influence on me. What a good fuckin’ friend you are. She’d just go off the second you left our house.” He started to explain. “But fuck, you are just so dumb sometimes. It’s almost painful.” Blue added sounding rather exasperated as he dragged his hands down his face and then dropped them against his knees. 

For a moment he was quiet. Trying to wade through all of his slurred thoughts and foggy, half formed, ideas. “You lied to me Grizz. The first time I ever needed you to be honest and you looked me in the eyes and lied right to my face.” He ground out his words with nearly no emotion behind them. What did sneak through was anger. Tense and pure. “And then you have the nerve to cry and lecture and throw a fit when I do the same goddamn thing with using. Only you started it. You built my trust in you on a fucking lie.” 

Standing now, Blue needed to get some of the sudden energy he felt building out. So he leaned against the wall across from Grizz. Just so he could actually look at him. See how this was all affecting him. If he was fucking getting it yet. “You wanna tell me the truth. Right now. You do it right now and we can just be fine. But you have to say it.” Blue snapped looking down at Grizz. “You have to look at me and say it.”

grizz blinks and blinks and blinks but that doesn’t keep these walls from spinning. blue speaks and he latches onto each word, but his mind stumbles through each hurdle and pieces together each sentence just a fraction of a second behind.

“ what do you–– ”  before he can inquire about the random delve into their childhoods, blue says that word. lie. what has he lied about ?  grizz stares at his long-time friend –– or whateverthefuck fraction of that they are lately –– like he’s got four heads. this prom’s out of this world. and what blue’s saying to right now ?  sounds pretty fuckin’ alien to him.

before grizz has enough time to flip through past transgressions, blue stands. the sudden shift in space sends a wave of vertigo through him, even as he sits completely still. grizz leans his head against the cool tile of the bathroom wall and purses his lips.

“ i literally have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. ”  his mind threads together potentially venomous words but affords them no bite. they hang in the air, helpless. he’s come to battle without ammunition.

so grizz shifts more upright, uses his arms as leverage to straighten his spine and meet blue’s eye from across the room, despite the way the floor sways beneath them.

“ what did i lie to you about, blue ? ”  he throws his hands up in a sloppy shrug. “ dude. like. i’m sorry, but you’re gonna have to pinpoint that shit. did my mom fuckin’... make meatloaf when i told you we were having tacos or something ? ”  grizz shakes his head and sighs. he’s truly at a loss here, but there’s no survival instinct left in him. becca smacked that out of him real quick when her palm hit his face.

a moment’s hesitation lingers before grizz swallows. he leans forward, holds blue’s gaze with his own, and spits out the thing the other boy’s insisting he say. he looks at him, and says––

“ IT. ”  

a beat. grizz’s tongue darts across chapped lips; traces of vodka still linger there.  “ we good ? ”