“I need nothing
To travel the sea
I need nothing
I need nothing
But there’s something
Eating beneath
Black water
Take over.”
Last June I went to the ocean, a place usually filled with solace and peace for me. But last June was different. I felt nothing. They say that depression can make you lose interest in things you once loved. I walked alongside the shore with my feet in the water, and I knew. I knew that depression had engulfed me like an unforgiving wave. No matter how many times I could deny it, no matter how many times I ignored it…Depression was there knocking me down relentlessly, trying to drown me over and over again.
As discomforting as it sounds, depression becomes comfortable. It becomes safe. Day after day I attempted to extract myself from this grip depression had on me, but just like how the ocean comes back to the shore, I could not let go of this continuous cycle. Depression convinced me I did not deserve to be happy, that I did not deserve to feel like I had purpose. And I believed it. I let it take over me.
“Swallowed by a vicious vengeful sea
Darker days are raining over me.”
In the darkest throes of my depression, I did not believe there was any end in sight. I believed I would feel like this forever, that no one could possibly understand what I was feeling. But I had to continue living my normal life. Depression doesn’t give you a break. You still have to work, socialize, breathe. The more of a facade you put up, the more water you take on. And over time you ask yourself, “Is it really THAT bad? Am I actually depressed? Am I actually drowning?”
“The strange silence
Surrounding me
Grows closer
Feels colder
But I’m ready
To suffer the sea
Black water
Take over.”
Eventually those questions I continuously asked myself started to eat away at me. I gave up. I cried, I screamed, I caved into myself. I wanted to be swept away by the wave. I felt shame and I felt guilt and I wanted those feelings to end once and for all. There was a minute I began losing sight of shore, a minute I thought I couldn’t bare it anymore – and then another minute… I resurfaced, gasping for air. All it takes is another minute.
“In the deepest depths I lost myself
See myself through someone else.”
I can say that my best friend saved my life. One simple text and he was by my side, letting me cry into his shoulder, asking the difficult questions and listening to the difficult answers I had never spoken to anyone before. I can also say that I saved my life. I allowed myself to express feelings of darkness without guilt or shame. I began realizing I deserve love and to love, to live a life of purpose. I could not have done it without the love and patience of my best friend. He shows me friendship, he shows me I am full of worth, he shows me it will be okay. And I’m starting to believe him.
Last August I returned to the ocean. A summer had passed. A summer full of being open and honest about my depression with my friends and family. A summer filled with ups and downs, happy and sad moments alike. A summer of transformation. I ran to the to the shore with reckless abandon, letting the waves splash against my legs. I felt excited, I felt alive. I felt reconnected to the ocean, the warm salty air feeling like a friend once again. The waves crashed into the shore, reminding me that no matter how lost at sea I would ever get, there was always home to return to. All it takes is another minute.
- Elizabeth, Spring ‘16 Intern
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