redamancy

i've thought about it, and now i've realized, the feelings may have changed, but it never did went away. the once discernible, proud and beautiful kinship, may be gone, blown away by time and circumstances, but in reality, the love and concern will always be there. it may not be as expressive and giving as it was, but it stays, it stayed. i may be going away, and you may think that i never cared- heck, you may not even care now, but i do, always have and always will. i will always be grateful for the friendship, it must've been hard putting up with someone like me, and i'm sorry.

weekend!!!! ahhhhh next week, magsstart na ang totoong changes haha i hope I'd have enough strength and courage to go through this alone. ang hirap mag-adjust sa bagong environment, pero kakayanin! kaysa ma-stuck sa lugar na hindi ka comfortable, right? kaysa lagi mo nalang tinitignan paligid mo para makaiwas kung kailangan, at maipagpatuloy ang toxic-free life, this is so much better. kayo na pong bahala 🙏

180529 3:38am ang sakit nanaman ng ulo ko pero hindi talaga ako makatulog. ewan ko ba. siguro dahil nanaman to sa sakit ko. anyway, day6's music have always, always been helpful at times like this. kahit na hindi talaga ako dinadapuan ng antok kahit para nang pinupukpok ulo ko, at least kumakalma yung isip ko. that's enough for now, i'll take that, everything, basta makabawas lang.

i … just read that someone took her own life, not clear when. to you, i don’t know you but i am really sorry you had to bear so much that you’ve eventually reached the point wherein you think that ending everything is the only solution left. i am really scared ….. what if I can’t bear the emptiness too? what if I can’t see anymore choices … aside from … that? what if there are no more roads to turn to, and the only path left is to the finish line? please give me strength. i cannot stand the thought of having my family’s hearts broken.

ang hirap, sobrang hirap kapag hindi mo alam kung anong problema mo 😢 ang hirap i-solve dahil hindi mo naman kung saan maguumpisa. yung para bang, basta ka nalang nawalan ng gana na gawin lahat ng bagay, kahit yung mga bagay na dati eh gustong-gusto mo. one example is day6 - don't get me wrong, i still love them so freaking much. pero yung contributions ko as a fan, na dati eh sobrang inuuna ko pa, walang pake sa puyat o pagod, parang nawawalan na rin ako ng motivation na gawin? kahit yung simpleng pag-sub ng videos na inaabot lang ng isang oras sakin before, ilang araw na di ko pa nauumpisahan 😢 sobrang out of character lang, kase swear hindi naman sa pag-aano, pero dedicated akong fan. i will do everything to help them and my fellow fans, and nagenjoy akong gawin yun - pero ngayon, ewan ko, lahat nalang ng bagay tinatamad akong gawin. don't even get me started with my studies hAHAAHHAHAHAA sa fandom life nga wala akong gana ngayon, sa school stuff pa kaya? nasa point na ko na mas pipiliin ko pang amagin sa isang place, wag lang akong pumasok. yung anxiety - tangina, tapos lumala pa ngayon. but yeah, I can't tell anyone about that .... iisipin lang nila na i'm making excuses, lagi namang ganun kahit di nila sabihin, i know. kaya sobrang hirap yung magkukunwari kang okay lang, pero sa totoo lang gusto mo nang tumakbo, my breathing gets heavier than usual at gusto kong tumakas, kahit saan mapadpad, wag lang sa uni. tangina nakakapagod din pala, pero infairness, nakakatulong tong pagkausap ko sa sarili ko. after all, ako nalang naman ang natitira sakin. well, my myday friends are AMAZING, and they know me well, they know a lot about me, pero ayoko naman na silang i-bother. my parents? there's a chance they'd listen, of course. pero may chance din na baka isipin nilang excuses lang to lahat. and if they did listen, ayokong mamroblema pa sila sakin, they already have a lot on their plate, with my share being a huge part 😅 i don't know, seryoso, hindi ko na alam. haha.

it hurts. it hurts so much now. i don't know what i want to do, or what i want to be. i don't know my purpose, or why am i still here. i don't even know what causes these confusions, these questions, and every little thing that keeps me up at night and makes me lose appetite. one thing is for sure though, i am unhappy. i don't want to move because i am unhappy, because i feel empty. i even have to exert effort to bring myself to continue breathing​. it's been hard - it gets harder. whatever i do, i always find myself at the same place, always at the losing end. everything's tiring to the point that even typing this thing to help me vent out exhausts me. i- i don't know.

180405 it took me a while to understand this, but i do now. thank you, my best(est) friend.

I was afraid, afraid that after all these years that I’ve taught myself to be tough so no one can hurt me, I'm turning soft. But when I look at you, I find strength in remaining brutally soft, in letting my guard down. I've came to admit it now because I feel safe in your melody, and I feel contentment with you. I've felt more warmth in your smile than in any structure that I've been into, and you are my home.

✨ i still don't know how the universe came up with someone as precious as you ✨

061416 // Quezon City “you touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky and you decided purple just wasn’t for you”

062116 // Manila "I sit here wondering if anything you said was true and who it was that taught you to speak bullets without considering the exit wound"