Faded Jeans & Far Away Eyes

I’ve never felt as lonely as I have in the past month. It’s scaring the hell out of me, if I’m honest. It’s affecting my day to day life now and has become more than just a companion of the night. More than just feeling sad and alone at night before sleep. I cried on the train to work three times last week. Silently and to myself, face turned to the window, looking at the rows of houses with the same gardens 50 times over. I’d just finished a book that chronicled a woman’s life every five years from 5 to 45. Lately I’ve been trying to “grow up”, save money for a house and get my act together. I wanted to be like everyone else with a family and a settled home life. But then I read that book and felt an overwhelming sense of loss for this fictional character who had done nothing more with her life than stay in her home town, get married and have kids. I remembered that I want more for myself. I realised this right as Frank Ocean sang the words “maybe I'm a fool to settle for a place with some nice views, maybe I should move settle down, two kids and a swimming pool” down my headphones. It was one of those bizarre moments of clarity that was at the same time entwined with desperation and anxiety because of how far away I am from the life I envisaged for myself. My life is living me and I have no idea how to live life. I have no idea how to put the brakes on and take back control. I feel lost and alone. I really hope I can shake this soon.

So it was my friend’s birthday the other day and I wanted to find some old photos, but realised my laptop died and I didn’t have many. So I came on here and searched through my page and ended up scrolling through pages and pages of shit from years back. I used to write everything on here, so it’s mad going back now and being able to feel the exact same way I did 8/7/6/5/4/3 years ago. Really quite strange, actually. It’s also strange how “together” I was, whilst at the same time being so not “together”. Part of me feels like, although I was a lot more unhappy when I was younger, I knew more of myself and the person I wanted to become. I was more self-aware and very conscious of making sure I did everything I could to be the best version of myself. I guess that’s what happens when you’re a student and have a lot of free time. Time to think, time to reflect. But also a lot of time to be sad. I don’t know whether I’m happier now, or I just don’t have time to be unhappy. I don’t have time for much, these days. I work a lot, and when I’m not working I’m trying to catch up with friends or family. The only free time I do have I spend watching project runway or some other mindless tv programme trying to not think. All I do at work is think, which means I don’t do much thinking in my down time. I miss the way I used to be. I feel like I was a lot more well-rounded when I was younger. It’s quite a sad realisation.

You’ll be fine. You’re 25. Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time.

If you wanna know what I feel like as a trainee solicitor right now, watch Whiplash.