the human sun.

Written Sunday, December 10th at 10:16PM

Living is diving into a book that intrigues you.

Living is doing everything in moderation.

Living is binging a show for too long.

Living is binging Youtube videos for too long.

Living is not practicing 20, 20, 20 rule.

Living is also practicing the 20, 20, 20 rule.

Living is making a ton of mistakes.

Some that change the course of your life forever.

Some that are miniscule and usually overlooked.

Living is petting your sister’s dog.

Living is being the best person you could be.

Living is being mindful.

Living is being absentminded.

Living is trying.

Living is complacency.

Living is continuing on, even if it really, really sucks.

Living is finding hope.

Living is processing your own emotions.

Living is being selective of who you want to have around.

Living is setting boundaries.

Living is laughing…and loving.

Living is living, and it’s weird,

Written August 19th, 2023 at 10:39PM

Written Friday, August 11th, 2023 at 4:23AM

Good morning! Hello brain drain. I have plenty to write about today.

A few thoughts are:

Tanya + another aunt’s birthday is coming up, sweet!

There’s a million things running through my mind this morning

How do humans handle having so much stimuli in their life and head?

I was just thinking of something but it left me

Oh yeah sleeping an adequate amount of time every night actually affects my day and mood completely

Getting out of bullet points for a second to retrieve myself. I had an ample amount of sleep last night and I feel for the most part, very recovered from an exhausting day yesterday. Working out on less than 6 hours of sleep does not work for me and I have to accept that if I sleep late, I won’t be working out at 5am, because I won’t even put in my best for the workout. Plus, I’m lucky enough to have Fuzzy’s place as a backup gym!

Some thoughts that came into my mind this morning and crystallized in my mind was whether I genuinely like the person my partner is. The answer after all that thinking is yes, because he is a kind, integrity-based, and considerate human being, that cares about me and the people around him. 

As for the other traits that I’m not the hugest fan about - him sometimes being on his phone for long periods of time, his downtime is watching TV, his mealtimes are watching TV, he doesn’t really enjoy going to museums as much as I do, and he’s a super duper homebody. There are pros and cons to all of these traits like I get to be the person who travels while he holds down the house or something, but at the same time it would be nice to be with someone who’s on the same page about deep convos, living life relentlessly, etc.

However, I also recognize that he’s a Ravenclaw, and for that I am grateful. There are many traits he has that I don’t have, and the love he gives me is beyond what I could ever ask any human being for. I am hoping we grow together and build a world that makes us both happy and excited to continue to live and be great humans!

These mosquito bites and/or eczema are killing me! I don’t have enough self-control to not scratch. Anyways, that’s a little bit of what I was thinking about lately. Oh! I had LinkedIn Learning for the past month and didn’t use it except for 1 ⅓ of courses and now I am regretting my time not using it, since there was a lot of free information in there that would cost me $20 a month.

I guess it’s not the end of the world to pay $20 for usable knowledge, but it’s okay because I can potentially finesse to get that education somewhere else! I also am so proud that I’m now spreading my awareness of high-yields savings accounts with my friends and family. Let’s go! Let’s grow our moneys!

I’m really grateful I get to spend time with people that I love whether in the household, in my workplace, in my daily life, etc. I’m determined to continue to find ways to make my life sustainable because I deserve to live a colorful life, I do.

Jesus, there were a million and one things I was thinking about but now they all fled my mind. I guess another thing is my creative practice at this moment. It looks like its off as I’m applying to some programs that require written application materials, so I’m only exerting my energy towards that direction adn not necessarily towards storytelling or character building. I’m not going to lie, my life does feel a bit empty not practicing those things and I want to figure out how I can do it a little bit everyday.

Living a logistics filled life honestly feels boring, and I never thought I’d say this after years of doing logistics work in all of my event management jobs. I’m proud to have come this far and I wouldn’t be sure I’d think these thoughts had I not quit my normal 9-5 and questioned my life a little harder. I know I took a leap and it comes with its own challenges, but learning how to invest in myself time and energy wise is something I wouldn’t take back for the world.

At this time, perhaps I’m not the most financially free person in the world, but I’m also deeply aware that I want to live a normal person life and do normal people things like take vacations throughout the year and have trips to look forward to. I’ve never spent more than probably $500 on one person, but I’m learning that there is a gift of giving and surprising someone you love with something they would appreciate immensely.

Speaking of someone that I love, back on the topic of my partner because it’s important. He got a health screening and his health is alright, but I can’t help but think that I want my partner to take care of their own health so it doesn’t become a burden on me. I believe I could be thinking this way because I take my mom to the doctor pretty often and I almost feel like I’m parenting her.

I wouldn’t be parenting my partner, because obviously, he could handle his own doctor’s appointments, but in the case that anything sudden were to happen, I would take the grief and all the hits for another human’s lack of proactivity.

Perhaps its because I know how to take care of myself healthwise that I’m also projecting these feelings onto my partner. But - at the same time, my partner could also say the exact same about me and where I’m putting my money and how I’m not really working a full-time job, getting health benefits, etc. Thinking about the future is a really tough thing and how its going to pan out, but I’m hoping things continue to change in a way that is amazing and difficult and growth-oriented!

There were two things that were sitting in my mind yesterday that I wanted to massage out. The first one I’d say is how being grateful for people, even if what they do isn’t the greatest thing (to a certain extent, this thought) can be helpful. For example, my grandma’s crappy behavior may fuel a plotline in my story. Of course, I’m never grateful for the trauma we experience at all. But, I realized that all stories and characters experience conflict, and that conflict is usually inspired by our lives. It’s really interesting realizing that because it’s a very zoomed in thought.

Another thing, I was thinking about how there really is no way I can’t get to where I want to be when I’m this young, determined, excited, and pumped about what is to come in the future. There is no way I can’t. Especially if I keep trying. If I keep trying, then people will know about me, my path, and who I am. Even if I tried and things never worked out, something would eventually work out, even if it wasn’t what I thought it was going to be.

Like, I realized that I doubt myself alot and my work ethic and who I am. Like I think people hate me or dislike me, but I realized that a lot of people think I’m a cool cat and want to spend more time with me (although I don’t allow it because I’m busy and have a bajillion things to do). Realizing this gave me the confidence at least for yesterday to keep moving through and knowing that at some point all of this would pay off. Like there would be fruit to my labor. And I’m not super confident that I have faith, but I’m confident based on my experience, who I am, what I do to make people feel what they feel, etc.

I have a huge desire to use my Knott’s season pass like crazy right now. I think because when Fall and Winter come, it’ll cool down, and I’ll be able to go as often without worrying about the heat, and also to get our money’s worth! For some reason, I feel like we didn’t go that much this year and that bothers me. Why did they put time restrictions and meal limits to the season pass meal options? Why! It would be such a steal to come in and out without buying any food for a whole year - I could just sit there and do my work while eating some good junk!

Calorie deficit update - dude. The weight fluctuation is insane. Maybe 1270 or whatever the number is supposed to be is way too crazy for me. I still was able to weigh 129 about two times this week, which is surely a good sign. But I’m not entirely sure about how the progress will pan out for the rest of this month. Regardless, I’m proud of myself and think I’ve come very far since starting! Hopefully, I don’t burn out later.

Mom. She’s doing good. There is no point in my life that I am not grateful for her. Even if I’m mad, crying, or frustrated, I still feel grateful or her and I love her very, very much. Grandma is a different story but I still love her. It’s a lot of weight I’m holding, but I am happy to help as much as I can, even if I get mad.

The Artist’s Way is a next level book. It’s like reading a introductory wall text in an art museum that I’ve been waiting to go to for a long time. And I’m finally here, and I’m savoring every word. I think I could feel the intentionality that went behind this book and I feel that if there is a significant amount of intention behind any creative project, that viewers and people will recognize and relate to that intention. Jeez, finding intention behind all of my own projects is difficult. Even formatting a screenplay without the appropriate tools is hard too.

At the end of the day, I still feel like I’m at the very beginning of perfecting my craft and I’m okay with that. I think I’m okay because I got started and starting on anything is better than not starting at all. I’m curious to know if I could shoot something next week. That would be really fun! It’s really easy for me to get distracted when I type on the laptop, but I think using a bit of mindfulness and discipline will make it work.

Last thing, (wow, morning pages really work. I just want to keep writing because I keep thinking about things!) mindfulness was another thing that was sitting in my mind that I really am grateful for. Mindfulness keeps me grateful, in control, happy, content, etc in my life and without it, I think we would all go a little crazy. To spend more of my life being mindful means I will be living a more rich and happy life. Wow, so many things I wrote about today and I finally let out my brain drain. That was fun and I’m definitely coming back for more! 

Written Thursday, August 10th, 2023 at 9:51AM

Hola! It’s me. What’s been happening:

Every adult was once a kid and it’s important to remember that all humans still have their inner child in them

Going trick-or-treating this year will be incredible

Astronomical is such a great word

I miss my sister and her home

I miss my aunt and her home

Pesticides make me happy and sad

New York is coming up soon

I realized this morning that I’m actually pretty cool..

But it doesn’t mean I’m perfect

Calfresh is going to deny my benefits unless I could prove I only make $750

What the heck

Love in Taipei is coming out

I have to email someone via LinkedIn

I also need to email my other aunt

Written Wednesday, August 9th, 2023 at 10:48AM

'Cause for a moment, a band of thieves, In ripped up jeans got to rule the world

If it wasn’t for my super tall thigh high heels, I would’ve enjoyed the show. This happened last time I was there with Kehlani too. Curious to know if my heels are broken? They were pretty cheaply made I’m sure.

Anyways, my left ankle feels unusable right now but it was worth it, because the show was amazing. To be in a stadium with 70,000 other excited people was insane to watch. To sing along with the other 70,000 people was even more insane, but I’m glad we went and I’m grateful to my friends for digging for the tickets. 

Where am I right now? I’m processing how life happens so fast, friendship lifespans grow from a couple months to several years and I find myself struggling to keep up with everything that’s happening. It’s almost like we blinked not too long ago and now we went to the concert. 

It’s wild just processing time, being present, and turning that into the past without our control. It’s wild recognizing that life feels like it’s passing you by without ever grasping it. It’s insane realizing that you are the person being pushed out of your own city due to inflation and gentrification. That one day Los Angeles will be made for the very rich, and not my family or friends.

What I’m feeling is the pressure from all different areas of my life. I feel a small amount of anxiety in my body about work. I feel this force against me that has to do with every single area of my life and it’s scary, but I’m doing my best to move forward with the most grace I could muster.

There are things I’m looking forward to, which is important. I’m going to New York with Fuzzy this year and that will be an exciting trip. I want to take the time to also acknowledge what my accomplishments have been for this year as well. Since I turned 25, I made a couple shorts, wrote a couple scripts, practiced creativity, found peace in my existence as a not fully-employed human being, lost 6 pounds which is amazing, worked out consistently, saw Taylor Swift live, took care of my mom, took care of myself, tried pole dancing classes and yoga, was a bridesmaid for the first time, moved the needle on my narrowed perspective on extended family, and applied to film programs.

That’s pretty cool for a couple of months. 

There will continue to be more accomplishments and things I do that I’d never thought I do. I’m excited and looking forward to what that will look like even if it feels impossible and scary.

Written Tuesday, August 8th, 2023 at 9:01AM

I love how I was giving off the strongest Big Sean energy at 5:30PM and then I woke up on Mel’s bed - drooling - mid-documentary and lost. I also overate yesterday and had barely any self-control. I’m struggling with that today, but it’ll hopefully be better that I’ll be at a concert the rest of the day.

9AM First Meal

1PM Second Meal

5PM Third Meal

11PM Fourth Meal

Lots of things that are backed up right now including the fact that the hygiene in our house does not exist. This was the first time I walked around the house smelling the dead flies, the dirty tiles, the unwiped kitchen materials, the breath of everyone who was breathing in the house the past 5 days - I couldn’t handle it. If there is one thing about me, I refuse to live in filth.

Mind you, filth and being messy are two different things. Maybe I have a lot of clutter on my desk right now from the wedding on Saturday, but at least it’s not filthy.

As for what’s been going on in my head, I haven’t been listening to any podcasts lately, so my brain doesn’t feel as mentally stimulated as I would like. I’ve been trying to listen to every Taylor set list song and it’s been alright. 

I guess at this point in my life I’m riding a wave and there isn’t any crazy realizations or deep thoughts I’m having, but that’s okay. I feel grateful for Fuzzy who spent the whole day with me yesterday and I’m happy we got In-N-Out together. Maintaining a calorie deficit has been difficult. Even though I get used to how much I’m allowed to eat each day, it doesn’t make every day easier for me. There are days that are easier to get through and there are days that are extremely hard.

There is one more day until I can go to the grocery store and buy as much protein options as I want! I can’t wait. I’m coing closer to the one year anniversary of me leaving to Vietnam, so I’m going to try to figure out what my life will look like after that point, because I am afraid of being idle for too long. It’s also trippy to know my sister is like, late 20’s now. 

Written 1:55PM

Written Monday, August 7th, 2023 at 9:08AM

I can’t guarantee I can write 3 whole pages, but I can always try! This morning, I found myself disturbed by the reminder of my mom’s illness and I feel like the more I talk about it, the worse it will get. So I want to try to stay positive and do my best to move forward with a strong mind. On top of that, there were over 5 flies in our house, which I don’t understand how happened, but that’s okay.

Grandma decides to call on me at any point throughout her day as if I’m her maid and to have peace in a home is almost rare at this point in my life. Fortunately, Fuzzy offers up his home space for me to work from home and I plan to make the most of it even though I am partially sleep deprived as well.

I am recognizing that I’m frustrated due to a number of experiences this morning like not getting enough sleep, hearing my friends comment on my life in a strange way that I brush off, trying to stay positive through knowing bad news, not having any peace in a home, and people calling on me when I have my own life to deal with.

I’ve become that person that everyone calls on because they know I can get things done, but how much room does that leave for my writing, reading, learning, and etc? Not very much. I’m always going to do my best and try not to complain, but I can’t deny that it’s frustrating feeling like your own parents are a crutch in your life.

There’s plenty to do and a lot to figure out in the next coming weeks as the grad school deadlines get closer. I’m pretty nervous since I’ve prepped virtually nothing and hope that things will work out as they should. I am thankful for everyone who loves me, understands me, and supports me. We will get through this together.

Written 5:34PM

Wow, checking back in during the day? I’m proud. Today feels so long but also short at the same time. I feel like I did so much, and so little, but the day’s not even over yet, you know? A little bit of everything. Lil frustrated, lil sad, lil happy, lil calm, you know?

Also, In-N-Out Burgers don’t even have that many calories. That means I could eat a burger every week goddammit.

Written Sunday, August 6th, 2023 at 10:12PM

Not getting time to write in a day is equal to not being grounded or present in the day. It’s unfortunate when I’m not able to steal back some time to myself. But I was able to do a bit of that today like take a 3 hour nap!

This weekend as been jam-packed with activity, to the point that I’m pretty pooped and am not fully recovered for a productive week. I would like to wake up at 5am tomorrow to hit the gym with my buddies but it feels like my routine is circadian rhythm just looks different. Speaking of that, I miss Mai! 

Right now, I’m just trying to prioritize staying hydrated and recovering from the alcohol I had this weekend. It’s not my favorite thing in the world to drink, but for certain celebrations, it’s a good time for a while.

I’m really thinking about who I am, what I’m learning each day, and how I’m growing. Here are a few things I’ve been ruminating on even though I probably listed them in a previous post:

During the wedding rehearsal on Friday, I was able to learn quite a lot. I learned a lot about myself and how I act around family I’m intimidated by. I learned that I’m a pretty cool person despite having a weird history growing up of bullying and being bullied (not my favorite backstory). I learned that even if people weren’t the greatest before, that doesn’t mean they aren’t worthy or welcome to change.

Finding yourself in situations you remember being in before and navigating them differently is the best, because that shows that you’ve grown. I am grateful that I maintained my cool and did my best to be me, since that’s all anyone could ever ask of me.

Thanks to my aunts and uncles from Canada, I learned that havinga different perspective on family can change your entire experience. I’m not saying I went 0 to 100 and I just love every single family member. I admit it’s still difficult to meet with people, put on a smile, and act like everything is peachy. But, my views on the people I’m intimidated by is different and I find myself more forgiving, open, verbal, and loving to them.

It’s amazing to welcome transformation into our lives, even if it feels unusual and alien to engage in different behaviors. To build new pathways and do our best to follow that path is the best way to become better people. 

Another thing I learned is that in every role we play in our existence, the people that surround us are our family. It’s not always blood relation, but it’s the love that connects us and determines our familial relationships. It’s how we get through conflict, psychoanalyze other people, empathize, grow, struggle, and build with one another. Because on this planet of our own species, we are all connected and we are connected through love. 

Written Friday, August 4th, 2023 at 8:26PM

The reason why it’s important to do morning pages and not evening pages is because that is when you are guaranteed enough energy to write. Whereas in the evening, you might not be able to execute that promise to yourself because you’re too sleepy or you don’t have enough time to squeeze in another task. Plus, it takes more energy at night to write when you maybe should be reading and settling down from the day.

Regardless, it doesn’t matter completely as long as you get to write and you find out what times work best for you and your schedule. There have been a million things on my mind that I will bullet point list below:

Being 25 is a wild, unexpected ride full of ups and downs

Learning to not let my emotions control me is a power move, but I’m also thinking about how much I can validate those feelings and allow them to exist

What parts of being logical become financial guru / masculinity / bro mentality?

Having people in your life that are constantly learning is an endless win

I really miss Ravenn and Mai and all my long distance friends like Sha too

Late night crying when no one knows is like, a different level of sadness. 

Tomorrow is a big day not for me but like still a big day

Realizing transformative thoughts and uplifting myself to create change is cool

It’s interesting how we use judgements and negativity to fill in uncertainty about people or just things in general

I miss being bored because lately there has been a million and one things to do

There is a level of being overwhelmed in my life at the moment

Sleep is missed and 5am workouts are also missed

Everyone is my family. Literally

Good thing my bridesmaid dress covers up so much of my body so no one can peep my very, very dry skin

Babies are babies and babies are babies and babies are babies

Thank god for white noise in a world of endless stimuli

Being overwhelmed is real

Is it the caffeine? Probably

What I want the most right now is SLEEP

Vitacane takes EBT aka gamechanger

Relationships can be filled with tumult. 

Why is everything going to be okay? Because I’m stronger than I look and feel. And I started.

Anything having to do with resistance will usually have growth succeeding it

My sister is a wonderful human being

Mom.

I really want grandma to go to the wedding tomorrow tee bee aych

We are all complex, hypocritical, flawed people as much as any celebrity is, we just don’t have it on blast aka what Julie said

Identifying my favorite movie at any given moment is difficult

Writing a speech for a bride and groom is difficult

I really, effing, love my friends

I am hoping to transform and change as much as I can within the next 6 months and the rest of my life really

I genuinely believe that I am capable of changing my dad’s side of the family and even if I don’t, I know I’ll make even an inch of a difference. Hopefully that doesn’t entail too much imposing on other people lol

I wonder if the people I find problematic find themselves problematic

I haven’t responded to a lot of people (personal contacts) and a lot of people (professional contacts) - Yikes!

There’s a lot happening. In life, in my brain, it’s been two days that I’ve been having back to back caffeine sessions which is not good, but it’s life right now. My diet is going well because I’m learning that eating out is not life and it’s not my forever. 

Written Thursday, August 3rd, 2023 at 9:06AM

Hi, morning pages. I am very tired. 

Yesterday night my brain was active and I had to flush it out with water, reading, and being productive until 2 in the morning. I reminded myself to not feel shame about it which was nice and now I’m moving forward in life hopeful to readjust my plans and still get my workout in.

The weekend of outing begins and I’m excited, but also nervous for it. I’m not sure if the driver of me wanting to look good at these events are for the right reasons. I wonder if I want to look pretty in order to remind people that I am of value, instead of just knowing that internally. Or maybe I just want to look pretty because I usually don’t put in the work to do that. 

Lots of thoughts. Regardless, I hope the wedding and weekend is fun and drama-free. Even if there is drama, I’m certain it’ll be drama I can handle and move past. Yesterday, taking the time to read the book, take notes, and contemplate briefly on my life was necessary. It’s like I was meant to drink the black tea and stay up to receive the revelations that I did.

I wouldn’t be sitting here writing had it not been for me reading the morning pages chapter and feeling an actual obligation to the book and myself to sit and write. It’s nice letting my brain flow. Also, something I find interesting is that when I seek for help, it seems I’m already doing what is suggested of me. For example, wanting to lose weight was not too difficult of a transition, since I was already doing the work of eating complex carbohydrates.

That’s amazing! Speaking of which, I saw a post yesterday about a vegan influencer who ate straight durian and jackfruit and died yesterday (or recently). That’s scary and makes me want to barf a little, but I think my fruit intake is a pretty normal and regular thing. Going back to the transitions being easier for me because I’m already sort of doing them - same with morning pages! 

I find myself already writing every morning or most mornings I should say, even if it’s a sentence or not very much, I still show up. I realized that showing up is what’s most important in our path to achieve our creative goals. It means arriving at the places we want to be, even if we don’t feel like it or it feels pointless or unnecessary. I’m proud of myself for already consciously taking the steps towards these goals and it makes me even more confident that I’ll survive, thrive, and succeed in this industry.

New topic! I’m going to New York in September and I literally can’t wait. That’s probably the one thing I’ll be looking forward to most this year apart for Christmas. Then after that, it’s just a new year with new tasks and goals to accomplish. Not having money is a real, terrifying thing. I’m constantly wondering of whether I should get a full-time job or if I should just hug the rest of the year out while I wait for grad school applications.

I wonder if I should find a white-collar desk job that has nothing to do with me, just for the money. I feel certain I’d excel in most tasks and can be pretty relentless in my job search, but I worry that working full-time would take me away from everything else I need to worry about especially creatively. To be honest, I’m living in unplanned spontaneity due to my lack of preparation last November.

There isn’t shame in that decision - it’s more of an acknowledgement. I’m merely recognizing that that is what occurred, but I am not mad about that choice. I’m just processing what it is and how it shows up in my life almost a year later. I would need to make a thick pros and cons list for everything I’m considering, but really I’d like a job that would fund all the things I need to afford and a job that does not drive me insane.

However, the likelihoods of me liking the job that makes me a shit ton of cash is low. I wouldn’t know unless I try it, but I have a tendency to get consumed by jobs that ask me for a lot, and suddenly my focus on creativity and taking the time for myself looks much different. I’m not sure if I could survive in the volatility of sales, but I would be happy to use that money to fund my life.

That is a conversation I’m having with myself that’s on hold, since I’m applying to all these programs and hoping one of them takes off. I wouldn’t be in pain if it didn’t take off. I’d accept it, move forward in my life, and probably re-apply, but I’d need something solid that also grants me a good healthcare package.

Jesus! Questions, thoughts, feelings, conflicting emotions, it’s a lot. It’s like planning for New York, but I’m in the beginning stages, because I really don’t know how to start or where to start and I also don’t even want to start. But I am also recognizing that making a plan is what leads to my success and continuing to live life in limbo will not benefit me in the long-term.

The more that I am in this industry and the more I learn about my craft, I still feel I’m moving one step closer towards becoming the person I want to be, even if it doesn’t completely make sense. I’m okay with that. I’m still learning, growing, understanding life, and doing my best. That’s really all anyone could ask for from a human being. I don’t want to spend the rest of this entry talking about my uncertainty in the media industry, so I’ll move on to something that’s been sitting in my heart since yesterday.

I’m sure I mentioned this in the last post but yesterday my mom took the time out of her day, while recovering from surgery, to paint my nails. I thought this was sweet and special, and we definitely did not have the right tools to ensure a nice outcome, but I still appreciated the process nonetheless. She did a cute french tip on my hand nails and both sets of toes. Usually when it comes to these beauty things, I’m pretty picky (I think that’s why I chose to be a filmmaker, because I know I’m kind of picky), but yesterday I was grateful to even have a little piece of my mom on my hands and toes.

She really is the best and I hope today’s doctor appointment goes well. I’m going to be ready for any outcome and I’ll be prepared for what comes next. I was showering yesterday and thought about flying to Maryland for a week or two, since it’s been a while since I visited. I thought about it and felt okay with the fact that if I do go with my mom, it’ll be a lot of staying in the house, taking the same walk I took when I was 13, looking at fireflies out the window, getting bit by mosquitos, going to the same Asian grocery store down the street, having the same kind of conversations, and feeling some of the same emotions I felt when I was staying with my aunt and uncle, etc.

But! Because I feel like I’ve changed significantly since being 21, I am okay with going on this very mundane excursion. I feel like it’d birth new questions I’d ask my aunt and uncle about, it’d make me think a little differently about my life, reflect on who I used to be, and experience a bit of nostalgia. Delirious by Steve Aoki and Kid Ink is a powerful song. This is my new theme song. For life. I’m head banging.

Whoa! It’s also crazy how the rave community is sprinkled a little bit everywhere in my life. I love it! I also love my friends. Friendship is like, the freaking best thing ever. Exploring your sexuality and accepting yourself for it is also the best thing ever. Being human can have some of the most special and amazing experiences, even though times get hard and we hate our lives.

Holy shit! Did I mention I’m seeing Taylor Swift in a week? Yeah, I’m not ready because I didn’t really prep. But I’m happy we got the tickets at base price because I would’ve died having to pay $300 for it. At first, I wasn’t that hyped because I only listened to some of her albums, but I’m learning that going to see an artist is a very thrilling experience and getting to be in a venue with thousands of other people who are just as pumped. It’s going to be a good time. I’m considering making bracelets for it but that seems to be going a bit overboard.

Wow, delirious is over? That song changed my life. There’s something about waking up with unbrushed teeth, feeling a bit delusional and heading straight for my laptop to sit and write about everything that’s on my brain. It really is a brain drain. After this I’ll need to confide in no one since I just aired out all my feelings for the morning. *insert laughter here*

Dude, you know what also really got me while reading that book? The fact that Jean Michel was someone who literally lived a creative life. Like the fact that I’m conscious of my own lack of creativity in my daily life already proves that most of my intentions feel artificial and not authentic to who I really am and how I live my life. Whereas with Jean-Michel literally just thought that way genuinely from when he was born. Like what? I want that.

But we’re different people who lived in different worlds. That’s okay that I don’t have all of these cool skills that legendary artists do because I’m my own person in my own world nad living a completely different life. Speaking of completely different life, my desire to travel to more countries died after coming back from an unusual trip in Vietnam. But it’s reviving in a very different way than it used to be. For a long time after going to Ghana, my eyes on travel were covered by Miley Cyrus’ rose-colored lenses. Now however, my desire for international travel has a different take on it.

What it is if I could dig a little deeper is that I strive to continue to experience the unknowns of the world, whether that is travelling to Mexico like I’ve always wanted or going to Europe. For the longest time I was so anti-Europe, but like, the idea of going to Sicily or really anywhere in Switzerland sounds nice. Okay, actually - if I take the time to understand where this actually comes from, it’s from the new tab backgrounds that populate different nature images daily. That’s probably where the desire to travel to these countries come from.

There is just so much to know about in the world and I really don’t know much at all apart from my own domestic experiences. That while I sleep, Vietnam is across the globe bustling and opening its 5am markets selling all types of goods, fruits, vegetables, and garments that I really wish I could buy more of. It’s fascinating getting to know more incredible people like my friends and new folks who have abundant experiences.

I want to extend the same prayer that I recounted yesterday after meditating at the local park. The prayer being not to a deity, but to myself, that I am lucky and grateful to be living a life that’s so full, colorful, warm, and safe with the best people I’ve ever encountered in my life. I am so lucky to be me, even if that means a flawed, imperfect human that’s always trying. I feel happy to get to eat, live a fruitful life, even if it doesn’t seem like that because all we do as humans is compare our circumstances with the next person.

I personally get to live a life of adventure, experiences, so many first times, and I’m still here today to recount those stories to the people around me. I’m not sure if its a phase or the leftover caffeine but I have no doubt that the life I get to live and am living is beautiful and rich in a million ways. That there is really no regret in how I live my life. Shout out to all my friends because they’re literally the reason. For everything. That’s it. And my family. And everyone who loves and supports me.

Written Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023 at 8:07AM

It’s hot. I’m sweaty and I just got out the shower.

What am I thinking about? I find it intimidating for myself when I’m not doing as well as I wish I could be, but I can only do my best in the circumstances I’m in.

My grandma still gets on my nerves but less so. My relationship with my mom is a lot better. I’m still trying to figure out my way. 

Good things: I submitted my AWC application, I have plenty to work on this month, and I have a new book to dig my nose into for the next week. 

The reason why things feel particularly hectic this morning is because I’ve been procrastinating on my actual work work, so after writing this, I’ll jump right into it!

I haven’t gotten the time to meditate or really catch my breath after everything that’s been happening. Hopefully, when things wind down significantly, I’ll be able to do that and it will be relaxing. I’m going to be okay!

Written 11:29PM

Hi, I accidentally and then intentionally had way too much caffeine today, so that’s why I’m up and why I most likely will not attend tomorrow’s gym session.

Instead of putting myself down about it, which old Betty would do, I am now accepting my circumstances and understanding that part of my routine is to be out of my routine. This is not my quote, but shoutout to the quote’s owner, a podcast host for one of the random episodes I picked out a few months ago.

What’s going on? Well a lot. Instead of me screaming at the top of my lungs while playing Mario Party with buds, today I couldn’t sleep for 30+ minutes, so I’m up jotting all my thoughts down and reading the book I checked out yesterday.

Today was a special day, for all the mundane reasons. I did my productive morning, tried my best to keep it neutral while my emotions were going bezerk over my grandma’s commentary throughout the day, took myself on a mini-retreat to an underground-vibe park, and meditated! I also fell asleep while reading at the park.

I spent a fair share of my morning thinking about how I didn’t meet my calorie needs yesterday and that left me feeling uneasy. But! The best part about taking the time to reflect is resolving the issue eventually. I realized that everyone has a couple off days when they’re transitioning into a new routine and process, and it’s natural for things to not go 100% as planned. Even when things are super solid, it’s natural for things to go awry on some days. That is life.

While meeting up with a coworker, I have come to realize how comfortable and stable I feel in being in my mid-20’s. I’ve reached a point of acceptance and contentment, which I honestly didn’t expect. It’s almost like life happens before you realize it, but when you realize it, you learn that you are okay with the process.

I’m confident that as I continue to age, I will reach these conclusions and find joy in the small moments and ease in the temporary lows. Being 25 has been an adventure that I had not planned, but I’m certainly happy and proud of the place I am currently in. I didn’t realize that I would make this much progress creatively over the past year.

I especially would not have thought that I would complete two short films, even if they were super scrappy. I learned while making them, enjoyed the process, and spent time with some of the best people in my life. There will never be regrets in this experience.

I want to also recognize that maybe in this moment, I feel secure and happy. There’s a chance that this could change tomorrow when I wake up, and I’ll feel lost, crummy, and uncertain about the future. But this is what life is. It’s the ups and downs that we’ll get as we’re hit with unexpected life events, fluctuating emotions, and the different types of responsibilities we’ll be dealt in all our roles in life.

There is nothing easy about existing, but trying is a huge feat. Learning is rewarding. Growing will always be exciting. There are not many days now that I feel certain, excited, and secure in my path, but today in particular, I do. Today I feel like everything makes more sense, even if its not exactly what I imagine it to be. I feel today that I am worthy and that everything will fall into place, because there is proof historically that it has.

The promise that I make to myself today is to always do my best, and always strive for better. Not in terms of materialistic goals or money, but in terms of being a better me, appreciating my present, and growing internally. I have the potential to always grow, and I’m confident that I will continue to, with the effort that I put in each day. 

Written Monday, July 31st, 2023 at 9:47AM

On the second month of my 25th year of life, I find myself questioning everything I knew all over again.

Written Tuesday, August 1st, 2023 at 12:05AM

Dude. I don’t know anything. But what I do know, is I’m a fucking beast. And that I did that shit. And that I am awesome. That is the story. 

Written 8:18AM

Written Sunday, July 30th, 2023 at 10:22PM

What if feeling special is a lie? What if no one is actually special? Not in the fact that everyone is unique as a human, but special.

It’s discouraging watching my mom be so upset about my business and reducing it to my career being unfitting. Perhaps its because she’s right, or because she’s uncomfortable with the unconventional-ness of it all.

Makes sense. Any parent that wants their kid to live a safe life would feel this way, because then, they would have less to worry about. That checks out.

But now I’m sitting here, wondering, hours before her surgery if she’s right.

Whether or not I go to graduate school, I could just be chasing something that isn’t necessarily made for me, no matter how much I enjoy it. That is what deeply scares me.

We live in an every man for himself society, so my climb will be a struggle. 

Written 11:27PM

I fell in an insecurity hole. I sort of want to die right now. 

What the fuck is happening? :-) 

Written 12:20AM

I need a plan and I need answers for why I want to do things. That’s how I’ll know. 

Written 12:57AM

Here is the brainstorm:

Get a sales job and money from commissions. Save $3,000 a month to fund filmmaking and night courses. Make a film each quarter and walk away with four films a year. Is that a stupid idea for personal film school? $3k x 12months = $36k? To make 4 films?

But how much of that money would go to my roth? So 8k each? That’s hefty. 

UCLA Extension Courses, work on short films by myself, perfect the craft, submit to film festivals, apply to as many programs as possible.

Get a job as a film editor and get experience that way. Which means I’d be paid (probably a shitty wage), but still get director experience that way and work on the weekends.

Get a job at a studio for a Manager position.

Get a job as a Production Manager for a production company. 

Get a job on set for a new film coming out.

Go to grad school and be $200k in debt by the end of it. Get a job while schooling.

Written Friday, July 28th, 2023 at 11:30AM

Good morning! It’s freaking Friday. Which means. The week is over, and we have accomplished a lot. 

Written Sunday, July 29th, 2023 at 12:29AM

Hi.

I’m dead right now.

Updates/thoughts:

Don’t overbook yourself aka only one major activity per weekend if you could help it. 

Betty, you give a lot of time to other people. You need to give more time to yourself because you’re that important and you have things to achieve.

You can love people but not want to hang out with them until the next 6 months.

I’m fucking tired

If you’re hanging out with friends until 2am and you want to leave, then leave. Don’t stay until 4:00am bc that will become 4:15am and 4:!5am will become 4:30 and next thing you know you’re not in bed until 5:!5am

Sleep is just as important as your workouts and meals and water. Get your 7.5+ hours

Be critical with how you decide to spend your time and energy. You only have one life to live.

Omg this one really got me - fuckennn so you know how in society people don’t really value other people unless they seem to have tangible success? So they’ll look down at someone who’s working a blue-collar job for example. It’s so weird - half the conversations I’m having with people are about valuing life and being free and doing what we should, which is so real, but at the same time a majority of the perspectives out there really value millionaires and shit

It doesn’t necessarily make me shift my own values because I don’t think my values at this point would be changing too much from what they are about

However it does make me think about how i could survive in a world like this. Just thinking about all the strikes, the instability of the work, the potential idealism I may be playing into with everything I’m doing. I don’t know it’s a lot

The type of content I’d like to produce is the type that gives people food for thought, space to question aspects of their lives including themselves, highlight the truths of our world like diversity, and to increase awareness (thought about this one in the shower)

I’m grateful for friends who get me and love me because I get them and I love them

Things we talked about included gatekeeping, being aware of our previous actions and behaviors that may not have served us/our community, social media, They cloned tyrone

Learning is important to me because the more I learn the more I know about things that are beneficial to me and from that I will better my life because of it so why would I not want to learn?

Ultimately every single day on Earth I want to be a better person and I want to continue to have a rich, full, and happy life

To do this I want to recognize my frustrations of the day are from my overbooking in my schedule, probably subconsciously wanting to please other people, and lastly my period/the heat. And that is valid. All of my feelings are valid and its important to remember that:

It will not be like this forever/these feelings are temporary

In every part of our journey we will find that we will slip up or things fall into place in a weird way but it absolutely does not mean we are failing. We are readjusting and learning everyday

Taking the time to learn about myself, my thoughts, my behavior, my feelings, my family, friends, parter, ancestors, culture, community, city, neighboring cities, state, country, countries, world, and universe is essential

Which means I need to give myself time and spend less time with other people

Written Thursday, July 27th at 9:05AM

Good mornee! Today has been great. I’m learning more and more everyday that your day is usually determined by your own mental and physical output. That means your feelings are valid, but you’re also doing everything you can to be proactive about your emotions and the interactions with the people around you. Ultimately, I feel like I’m in 80-90% control of my days instead of letting the external factors and negative POV determine my day like “I can’t get up” or “I’m too tired” or “it’s x person’s fault that I’m in x situation”. 

By the way, I really hope I don’t sound like a self-help guru. These are simply things that I’m realizing everyday but I’m not certain it would apply to other people.

As for the rest of today, it’s going to be jam-packed. Back to back meetings, another meeting, another meeting, and then another meeting. It’ll be fun though! I’ll do my best to stay mentally engaged and take breaks where I need to, but I’m happy that I started my day focused on me.

While prepping breakfast with my mom this morning, I realized two things:

This was an average, ordinary morning I spent with my mom in the kitchen, but it’s interesting being aware of the fact that that ordinary morning might not be forever. That tomorrow all of this may change. And this mental check-in helps me stay grateful and happy that I even get these mornings with my mom and grandma.

I forgot the second thing. I was calculating my calories most of the morning, hopefully the second thought comes back to me.

Anyways, it was a nice morning and I’m excited to start my day and I hope that things go well. I’m in control, I love being 25, I’m grateful for my wisdom, and I’m excited to get the ball rolling forward in my own creative journey.

Oh! I remember the second thing now. It’s kind of related to the first one a bit, but it has to do with being present and being cautious. I learned that any morning could turn into a scary morning really quick. For example, accidentally cutting myself while chopping fruit or vegetables or someone falling. Even if a morning seems perfectly normal and all will go as planned, it’s important to remember that at any point, anything could happen and to be aware of safety and being careful as much as possible.

Proactiveness is really the key to so many things whether being a good producer or handling preparations for events/sets/family parties/vacations/workflow. I strive to be as much of a proactive person as I can be and to keep my life diverse in terms of my activities and interactions. Woo! Happy Thursday.

Written 9:16PM

Love the high braided ponytail its just a different betty when she has that up

Need to look for old projects on old macbook

Miley cyrus rose colored lenses

Following the good part of me instead of following the bad part is a movement

Hillary duff is also a movement

I miss my fuzzy fish we need to make our couple vision board

I also need to edit my shorts

Today i met with 3+ women who inspire me and changed me even with our small interactions

Intentionally taking pictures helps you stay present

Remembering that everything in life no matter how simple or small can inspire you

That full circle moments ought to be recognized and celebrated

That everyday im in the industry i believe in myself 1% more

That everyday im in the industry the more real it gets and the more real i get about everything i want to do

But above all

I love people and i love earth and im grateful to be alive with those i know

Especially my mom, dad, sister, & grandma

Written Wednesday, July 26th at 7:44PM

Finally transferring the files over to my laptop for edit. The next few days will be a fun ride.

I was showering right now and I thought about my friendship with Ray, whether I’ll be in grad school in the next couple years, who I will be when I’m in grad school, how I’ll change as time passes, and how I’ll continue to grow into the person I hope to be.

I had a call around 5pm that made me confront my difficulty for accepting and celebrating the accomplishments of those who are younger than me. That’s actually one of my biggest secrets - that I am intimidated, envious, and jealous of those who are achieving a lot more than me at a younger age.

I can logically understand that there can’t be a comparison when everyone’s experience varies significantly based on a myriad of factors, but for some reason, my emotional side gets charged up when I am forced to confront this feeling.

However, I’m determined to overcome it as an obstacle in my life. In the same way that I squashed the lunch invitation from a kind and much, much older stranger from the gym or when I realized my denial about my sister’s marriage with her partner is because I’m scared of losing our relationship, I can definitely tackle this new bump in the road. Perhaps I won't do it headstrong, but I can gradually overcome this, even if it causes minor discomfort to my life.

I want to explore and confront my own feelings of insecurity when it comes to witnessing younger folks achieve greater things than me. What I want from myself is to accept it - like truly accept it, celebrate and even learn from their wins, and hope that they will continue to grow and become great people to positively impact the world.

I need to also realize that I’ve accomplished some huge feats that have made ripples across wherever I was at the time whether high school, UCSB, or the industry I’m currently working in. If I am to sit and try to pinpoint when this insecurity developed was perhaps senior year when I was serving as ASB president and my VP was much better at delegating tasks and handling business than I was. I was pure passion and spirit, but I lacked the ability to lead and support my team members entirely.

It’s probably not likely that that one specific experience is the reason this insecurity manifested and grew over time, but it was a strong one if I could identify it that quick. Feeling inadequate next to someone younger than you, and feeling like you aren’t doing as good as someone who had less years on Earth than you, sucked. Instead of facing my jealousy and doing my best to learn from her and grow with her, I internally ran from it.

I avoided situations where confrontation was involved. I struggled to speak up and voice my concerns. This led to me not embodying leadership in the way I acted. I was passive and scared and I let those feelings take over me, control me, even up to this point at 25 years old. 

There isn’t as much shame that’s around that feeling as there used to be, which I’m happy about. It feels cleansing and healing to sit and write out what I’ve been feeling on and off for a while, and letting myself process it without personal judgement. My insecurities are human and valid, but I want to empower myself and remember the following:

Comparison won’t make me feel better about my situation, so I’ll embrace myself and who I am.

Just as much as I may envy another person, they may be feeling that way about me. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

I am of high value, and I will remember that. I know that I bring plenty of perspectives, valuable opinions, and knowledge to the table

I am a massive asset.

Everyone has a different starting point. The way I win is to do my very best, in my own unique way.

At the end of the day, I’m certain every human has their own uncomfortable secrets they sit with everyday. It’s alright that I have my own and it’s cathartic to let mine go and release it into the air without feeling embarrassment.

This isn’t it for all the thinking. While I transfer my photos, I have more thoughts I’d like to share. One in particular is a thought I’ve been trying to process for a while now.

I don’t know how I’d best navigate someone being annoying to me, because I’m too afraid of hurting their feelings. Okay, this is actually a beast of something to write so bare with me as I try to discuss the intangible.

While on a trip, I was stuck with one other person and this person annoyed the life out of me. I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to explode. I wasn’t able to communicate to this person that I was actually fed the fuck up with them and not anyone else, so I made up another reason I was so irritable. But in fact, it was that person that was getting on my nerves.

The amount of yo-yoing cognitive dissonance, fluctuating empathy and remorse I felt through this trip was insane. Something I don’t ever want to experience again in my life. There were times when logically I was able to understand where this person was coming from and how their need to follow me was for their own comfort and safety. But at the same time, I was listening to the other side of my brain that was screaming, “GET A LIFE! WHY CAN’T YOU BE SELF-SUSTAINABLE AND HANDLE YOUR OWN SHIT! FIGURE IT OUT! I AM NOT HERE TO CONSTANTLY HELP YOU!”

I know. How could the Human Sun think something like that? It’s mean, it’s insensitive, it’s bad. I know. But! I won’t judge myself, I want to let myself process and understand where this came from and why it’s happened. 

When I was in high school around my 9th or 10th grade year, I had one friend who had a tendency to follow me around. She definitely admired me, cared for me, and wanted to be my best friend, but for some reason, I wasn’t attracted to the conversations we had or the activities we shared together (not really any). At some point, I couldn’t find the best way to manuver this unrequited friendship, so I distanced myself and later on, she got the hint that I probably wasn’t trying to be best friends. Back then, I was most likely relieved and carried on with my life happily, knowing there didn’t have to be any confrontation or a huge ordeal about it.

In retrospect, that was not the greatest way to solve the issue. It was passive and kind of, if not completely, asshole-y. This time around, it happened at 25 and I sort of took the same route! If this happens again in the future, I want to be mindful of why I feel what I feel and how to combat it kindly and gently. Here are some explorations of my actions in this situation:

I would rather people I’m annoyed at find a problem with me, than me find a problem with them even though I already know I have a problem with them. 

Ok, reading this sentence back - why do I do this? It’s like, subconscious mind games.

Are we all a little manipulative as human beings? I wonder.

I would rather these people not like me than me make it clear and audible that I don’t like their behavior, because I don’t want to hurt them.

Curious to know if this is rooted in my people pleasing tendencies? I’m not sure. It’s interesting. 

I’m learning that we as humans try to find solutions throughout our lives as we’re faced with various kinds of obstacles, and some of them we keep into our adulthood or leave in our childhood based on their effectiveness. Sometimes, we’re aware of them and sometimes, we’re not. 

The power to be aware of my subconscious behavior is helpful, but it’s also difficult when my emotions are fighting against knowing usually what’s right. My mindfulness side of the brain is usually right. It’s calm, centered, aware, and in control. My emotional side tends to lack regulation and allows me to jump into the pool of instant gratification, where I avoid effective communication, confronting my own feelings, and choosing the right path forward for a more productive and healthy life.

I might not have all the answers as to why I act passively, distance myself from others, or even lie when they annoy me. But I'm digging up the clues and I'm determined to improve myself. Here is a little game plan for me in the future so I can be a better person in my relationships with people I find annoying:

Clearly and kindly communicate your needs and boundaries with the people around you. Honestly is important.

Prioritize emotional regulation and empathy at times of peak frustration. Can you let your mindfulness take over and act upon these deeds?

Try to avoid falling into instant gratification and be angry, passive aggressive, or lie. These will only increase your stress as time goes on.

The more productive and effective you are in this situation, which means confronting, addressing, or handling the issue like a boss, the less stress it will put on you and it will allow you to move forward and be in control of your life.

It’s interesting sitting here in the thick of my filmmaking process but still having the time to write out all the internal processes that happen in my head without me really noticing, until I notice it. At the end of the day, I really am a humanny human.