I might be convinced everyone around me is evil

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@humanhater
I might be convinced everyone around me is evil

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On holiday, I went to a harbour. There was a wall above the sea with no raillings. I wonder if my dad let me go past the place with the railing, if I'd do it. There was a moment where it felt right, before I rememberd consequences:/
I layed on my bedroom floor and cried and then when I was looking for a website to watch something after it felt like I was swaying and I got a migraine
Stop watching meee
The world is too loud

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I get away from everyone, miles away and yet all I do is think about them
ALL I DO IS LY IN BED AND REWATCH TIKTOK VIDEOS I FAVOURITED AND MAKE FACES IN MY PHONES REFLECTION
I feel judged even inside my own home, because I have a constant fear people are watching me through my windows and judging me.
I've been procrastinating not procrastinating for years now
Got really sad about exams and felt stupid and dumb, but then realised my brain is literally anti motivation and when I actually try really hard I end up passionately wanting to die.

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There are two types of people: sometimes ugly, sometimes beautiful; and most times beautiful. It is a choice to see things as ugly or pretty-> if your brain sees someone positively it will make them look more beautiful to you-> therefore even if you are hideous someone loving you will make you beautiful. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, just today's beholder's are brainwashed. This is also why you see yourself as always ugly, because you are brainwashed, by what you consume everyday and by the inside. You cannot see the beauty in what you hate, so at least only hate the inside. You can work on both, but the inside is different. Imagine it as a blob, a concept, molding it won't effect anything, unless you break it. Now imagine your face and body, all the organs inside with different functions, that is not the same as the inside(/self) molding that will affect those organs.
I do believe it can be good to separate the two. You are your brain, which is your body, but how your body moves (acts) and feels is not how it looks, but that is all still factors of you. THEREFORE THERE IS BEAUTY IN YOU NO MATTER WHAT, as there are millions of factors to this!!! This is also why you should demolish the concept of just good and bad when it is a spectrum. Of course bad people still exist but it is more like a higher percentage of them is negative. It is better to categorise someone by their bad factors than as just "bad". I can not blame you however, I've fell for the same thing.
Conclusion: work on your inside, don't let it affect your outside. Work on your outside don't let it affect your inside. Beauty is everywhere if you're not scared and I'm yapping about useless shit, sorry for wasting your time!!!!
Next time we should try to understand before we judge, including if they phrased what they said wrong or if they have different emotions or opinions!!!
I am a failure merely waiting to end
I am not suicidal however i am always waiting for death to be imposed on me.
Can't be nostalgic but also can't be hopeful for the future. I just want to be nowhere. Perhaps the present is better without a future when you can't make a better past?

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I don't think I know what a friend is or if anyone does for that matter.
When you joke about something personal to your mental health and instead of laughing they look at you surprised, so now you know you changed their perspective on you slightly.
No you just make people uncomfortable:/