dream big

RACHEL: Are you sure?

FINN: totally.

RACHEL: If you need to rest...

RACHEL: Are you sure?

RACHEL: No. I’m just excited to see you.

FINN: i’m excites to see you too.

RACHEL: Boring. But at least it’s an East night!

RACHEL: It’s alright. A few drunk people and an accident. Nothing major. The coffee is helping, though. I’m very tired.

FINN: yeah, things are quiet for me, but it also sucks because i don’t have a lot to do.

RACHEL: Hey.

RACHEL: How's your shift going?

FINN: hey you.

FINN: kinda boring. had a welfare check, but it was just a few college kids making too much noise.

A date. They’ve been on a date before. In the past, dates between the two of them had been very easy. They didn’t even have to be doing anything for her to have a good time. A connection like that was rare and she’d be stupid to get rid of it over something that they could work through. It wasn’t going to be easy, but he was worth it. They were worth it. He didn’t seem disingenuous about wanting to put in the work to get their relationship back on track. 

“I don’t work tomorrow night,” she said softly. For the first time in forever, she was giving herself a night to herself. Or what she had thought was going to be by herself, doing her normal night routine when she was by herself. She’d get takeout from her favorite restaurant, do a ride on her Peloton, and spend the rest of the night reading or watching Netflix. But she could switch that up to spending the evening with Finn. “I’ll come over around four, if that works for you? I don’t want to take any time away from you and Rylan. He’s been away from you too.” Call her selfish, but she really hoped it would work for him. “If it doesn’t, you can just text me and let me know.” She kept telling herself that he was back and that he would still be in New York even if he couldn’t hang out with her tomorrow night. “But … I kind of wished we weren’t working tonight. I would go home with you in a heartbeat.” If her grip on his frame wasn’t giving that away, she didn’t know what would.

“Perfect. Tomorrow night,” he repeated, the words making him feel a little better about the small wait, but no part of him wanting to wait at all. If anything, he wanted her to come over as soon as her shift ended. It was selfish on his end and other obligations wouldn’t allow it, but he could manage. Rylan needed a few hours alone with his father before being handed back over to his mother. If anything, his mom would understand and eventually, Rylan would too.

“I can make that work. Rylan isn’t older enough to really know better right now and honestly, I think he likes my mom’s place more than mine sometimes.” When the time was right, it wouldn’t be an issue. She could come over whenever, but for now, they needed the alone time to fix whatever he’d broken. “Can I still text you? Even if it does work?” It’d been a long shift, but talking to her always made it easier. “I know things might get busy around here and you can’t really stare at your phone, but if you get a chance.” He’d always talk to her, no matter the time or place. He understood that her line of work didn’t allow the same freedom, but it was worth a shot. “Y’know, I was hoping you’d say something like that,” he chuckled quietly in defeat. “I have a lot of t-shirts that you could wear way better than I do.”

She didn’t know what to do from here. On one hand, she still wanted him in her life. Their connection was too strong to just throw away over something like this. While it was serious, Finn had an obligation. And the two of them weren’t dating. He didn’t owe her an explanation even if he had a choice. On the other hand, he had disappeared for months without giving her an inkling of what was going on. If that had slipped his mind, what else would in the future? She would never know if she never gave him a chance. “I … I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been in this situation before.” The only thing she knew was that she desperately missed him and needed to be closer to him. The hand on her cheek just wasn’t enough. 

So she moved closer to him and tucked her smaller frame against his much bigger one - which was definitely more muscular than it was before he left but that was beside the point. “I don’t want to start over,” she whispered, her cheek resting against his chest. “And I don’t want you out of my life. That’s all I really know.” She paused and took a breath. People may call her silly for letting him back into her life after ghosting her for months, but they didn’t know the inner workings of their relationship. “Can we … go on a date? Maybe? To get back on our feet again? It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. I can cook for you at home, if that works. I think we need to get comfortable with each other again.”

All he wanted was to make things better for her, even if it meant walking away for a little while longer to let her heal. Whatever she needed, he was more than willing to do it. “I haven’t either,” he shrugged, head shaking as he looked around them, eyes finally settling on her small frame once more. “I do know that I’ll do anything though. I mean it.” Even at the risk of sounding like a broken record, he needed her to know how serious he was.

Arms curled around her petite build with ease, her perfume filling his head just as it had so many times before. “Me either,” he hummed quietly against the top of her head, arms squeezing her tightly before he stepped back to hear her words. “A date. Yeah, I would like that.” Even if he wanted to invite her over after his shift, he knew that she needed sleep and he did too. “Do you work tomorrow night? I think I have the night off, but I’d have to look at my schedule again. Honestly, it’s gonna take me a little while to get used to checking the sheet at work again. If you want, you could come over? Whatever works for you.” He’d have his mom watch Rylan if needed, at least for their first date this time around.

“I’m not going to tell you it’s fine and that I’m completely okay with what happened, but I know you didn’t have much choice in the matter.” At the end of the day, it wasn’t like he had elected to leave her behind. The only thing he could have done was just let her know. If she was being honest, she didn’t know if that was something that would have made him being gone that much easier. Despite their short amount of time together, she had grown pretty attached to him. There wasn’t a day that went by that she didn’t talk to him or think about him in some capacity. He had quickly become an instrumental part of her life. Of course - she always went too hard, too fast. And it always ended up with her getting hurt. She had just hoped he was different.

“But I … was pretty shaken up when you were gone.” Her words were quiet, almost as if she didn’t want him to hear what she was saying. “I was uneasy because I didn’t know where you were. I didn’t even know if you were okay. I got so desperate, I started asking the cops that came into the emergency room if they knew what happened to you. They almost never did, which made it even more embarrassing.” She looked up at him (had he gotten even taller during their time apart?) and wiped some stray tears from her cheek. “I just threw myself into my work. I worked twenty 12 hour days in a row because it was the best distraction. I was still doing that. That’s why I look like this.” He likely didn’t think she looked bad. He had always made it clear that he found her beautiful, no matter what the time or place. “You were the only guy that had ever made me feel like that. Like there was nothing wrong with me and that I was valued and appreciated. And then … I don’t know. Everything started to hurt.”

As much as he wanted everything to be okay, he was thankful that she was standing up herself. It reminded him a bit of Quinn, who he knew would’ve loved the other woman. Part of him felt guilty for the silent comparison, but Rachel was her own woman. While small parts of her overlapped with things he’d loved about Quinn, Rachel was unique. She liked show tunes that honestly weren’t that bad and musicals that he would’ve thought about watching on his own. She loved Grey’s Anatomy (as did he now) and even watched sports with him on Sundays. Everyone in his friend group had loved her and he knew that if his parents had ever met her, they would’ve loved her too.

“I don’t know how many times I can say I’m sorry without getting mad at myself all over again. I thought about you a lot. I even thought about writing you a letter because it seemed easier.” It was lame and he hated writing, but he would’ve done it had he been brave enough. “I didn’t want to hurt you.” It was the last thing he wanted to do on a long list. “Rach,” he hummed, hand finding comfort against the smooth skin of her tanned cheek. “I don’t know where we’re supposed to go from here or if I even deserve a second chance, but I want it. I want you and I want whatever we were before.” Even if it meant starting all over, if it meant having a chance to make her smile again, he’d do it. “Just tell me where we go from here or what I need to do and I’ll do it.”

Now would most likely be the easiest option. Their schedules were different most times, add in Rylan to the mix and it was hard to find a time that the two of them could be alone. She knew that he didn’t love pawning his son off to his parents all the time, so this would just be easier. Especially if they were going to mend things. Less time between talking things out, the less time there was for over thinking. “Now is fine.” Turning to the nurses station, she set down the flowers and the candle. “Do you mind if I?” she gestured behind her, silently asking if they could handle her stepping out for a minute. She hated it; it sort of felt like she wasn’t being all the professional. But she hadn’t anticipated Finn coming back into her life tonight. For all she knew, she thought he was gone forever. As soon as she got the go ahead, she grabbed his hand and her coffee and led him outside. 

God, it felt good to have his hand in hers again. She knew that she should be a little more weary about allowing him to just dance into her life. The hurt and embarrassment she felt when he just disappeared on her wasn’t something she was interested in feeling again. Again, she knew that he hadn’t done it on purpose. The only thing that was handing her up was that he couldn’t find one minute to call her or text her to let her know what was going on? Once they were a far enough distance from the hospital, she started talking. Finn was charming and very endearing, yes, but that didn’t mean she was just going to let everything go. “I … don’t really know how to say this,” she started softly, her eyes towards the pavement of the sidewalk. 

“I was incredibly hurt when you left.” It was blunt, but it was honest. “I know I told you that you didn’t owe me an explanation - and you didn’t. We weren’t dating. I only met your son multiple times, spent weekends cuddled up on your couch with you, spent lunch breaks together. I was … invested in you and I really thought we had something special. Something that was worth at least a text that you were going to be gone for the entire summer.” Her words were starting to choke her up a little bit and some tears started to form in her eyes. “I know you probably didn’t get a heads up that you were leaving. And I know you had to tell your family that. But … I don’t know. I guess I thought I would have made the short list of people you would have told.”

He could only pray to every higher power known to man that he wouldn’t receive a call during whatever conversation they were about to have. If she was going to end things officially, the last thing he needed was for some drunken disorderly call to pull him from his next heartbreak.  With his hand curled around hers like they’d done so many times before, Finn allowed her the lead as he followed her movements, eyes glancing down toward her every now and then. Even exhausted, she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever known. It was hard imagining that statement to anyone other than Quinn, but Rachel had captivated him from the moment they met. She was gorgeous; why the hell had he let her slip through his fingers?

Once they were outside, Finn felt his heart stop, or at least that’s what it felt like as he stared down at her. Was this where she ended something that was never official? Was that even a thing? Nodding, he stayed silent, awaiting whatever it was she had to say with the most patience he’d had in a long time. Every word she said broke his heart a little more than the last, because it all made sense. He had let her down and truthfully, he’d let himself down. There was no excuse for the mistake he’d made and all he wanted was to give the truth she deserved.

“I don’t know why I didn’t text,” he admitted, voice weak compared to his usual tone. “I didn’t expect to get the call. I was pissed when it happened. Pissed that they could just jerk me around whenever they needed. The chief was pissed too, but he granted me a leave. My mom was upset ‘cause she thought I was gonna have to go overseas. There was a lot going on and I’m sorry I didn’t include you in on that. I really don’t know why I didn’t text. I guess I thought it would be easier,” he trailed off, head shaking. “I listened to your voicemails though. I would’ve called back, but they’re pretty strict on our schedules. Sometimes the service wasn’t even good enough to make a call. I know I screwed up, Rach, but I missed you. I missed you and I still miss you.” It had to mean something, right? “I don’t want this to be how we end.”

He was incredibly endearing. The one saving grace Finn had was that he was genuinely a great guy. There was no way he would go out of his way to hurt her, especially after the moments they shared before he left. That didn’t mean that there weren’t conversations that needed to be had between the two of them. They just didn’t need to be had right now, in the middle of her friends and coworkers, when he was trying so hard to get back into her good graces. Plus, they weren’t dating. She had already used that excuse on him, so it was only fair to use it on herself as well. Not dating. Even though she wanted so badly to have that place in his life. 

“You didn’t have to do all of this,” she said softly, taking a few steps closer to the man. He got her coffee with oat milk? Even after all that time, he remembered her coffee order. And her favorite flowers. Her eyes glanced around at her fellow nurses and the subtle nod they gave her let her know that they were willing to cover for her while she got things settled with Finn. Offering him a small smile, she took the flowers and the coffee from him. “Thank you. This was very sweet of you. And I really needed this coffee. I lost track of how many days in a row this is, but it’s a good distraction from … anyway.” Most likely, he felt bad enough about what had happened. He didn’t need her rubbing salt into the wound. 

Her eyes flicked between him and the gift bag was extended to her. At least he thought about her while he was away. “Whatever it is, I’m sure I’ll love it,” she smiled softly, taking the bag from him. After setting the coffee on a nearby table, she went to opening the bag. She really did enjoy getting surprise gifts. Her faced turned into a bright smile as she pulled out the candle with her favorite Grey’s Anatomy character. It wasn’t a show that Finn particularly enjoyed watching, but she had always made him put it on after the game he wanted to watch was over. They’d spent a few night curled up on the couch together watching it before Rachel would end up falling asleep in his lap. “You remembered?” The words were soft as they passed through her lips, the statement more for herself than for him. “Finn … I … think we have some things to talk about.”

Hurting Rachel was never his intention. Truth be told, he wasn’t quite sure what his intentions had been. Two years had passed without a woman settling into his life and then she’d came and changed all that. She’d met Rylan a few times and to no surprise, they clicked. She was everything he had wanted, but hadn’t been looking for. She was everything his mother had pushed him toward and Burt had promised would come along. She was the missing piece to a messed up puzzle that she made seem a little less... messy. She made him smile when all he wanted to do was cave to his own sadness. She made him laugh, even when anger dared spike within his mind. She was everything soft and pure that he’d needed. How had he been so dumb?

“I know I didn’t have to,” he shrugged, feeling like maybe he’d gone a little overboard with the flowers and the gift, but not regretting either choice. She deserved to know how special she was, even if he’d done everything but that over the past few months. “Yeah, I understand that. I’m working thirds for a few weeks to cover for someone. I’m not used to the time change yet and I’m definitely not used to the all-nighters.” At least he’d get to see Rylan when the sun came out and he’d drink as much coffee as he needed until it was nap time.

Nodding, Finn’s nervous smile faded slightly into one of comfort. Of course he’d remembered her favorite character. She was an awesome surgeon and probably the most badass female he’d ever seen on TV. “How could I forget? She’s like a legend or something.” There was a lot to talk about, but where did they start? He’d already apologized, despite wanting to do so a thousand more times. “I don’t know if you wanna talk now or some other time, but I can make anything work. I’m not responding to calls tonight unless I’m needed. Captain said I could use a little break, but they need the uniforms out.” Patrol was important in a city like The Big Apple, but if the streets could spare him for an hour or so, maybe things could be worked out. 

How could Finn just do that to her? They’d been getting to know each other, she’d spent time at his house and multiple off days with him and then he just … vanished. No text, no call, no anything. Finn was the first guy that she had opened herself up to in a very long time and then he was gone. She’d be lying if she said that it didn’t hurt a little bit. Or a lot. Despite her better judgement, she’d left him a few voicemails and texts just trying to get a response. Whether it was asking him how he was, letting him know something crazy that happened in the hospital that day, or just something she’d looked up about sports to get his attention. But none of it worked. Frankly, she was a combination of hurt and embarrassed. 

It was rock bottom when she started asking the cops that came in if they knew what happened to Finn. They either shrugged or told her that he hadn’t been to work in awhile. Was she that horrible that he just vanished out of New York City entirely? That was a thought that was a little too painful, so she ended up just throwing herself into her work. She took on a borderline unhealthy number of shifts and spent her free time either riding her Peloton or reading the latest trashy romance novel - which only made her more sad. But he was back, and she was on her fifth twelve hour shift of the week. Hopefully he wouldn’t be able to tell. (He would, she was sure of it. Her third day curls and lack of concealer would give her away). At least she was wearing her good scrubs! The ones that hugged her body well and weren’t baggy. Not too long after that, her pager was going off with a call to the nurses station. That had to be him. Him or patient that needed her attention. Fluffing her hair slightly, she made her to - what she assumed was - Finn. 

When she saw him for the first time, his back was to her. He looked thinner. And a little more muscular. But he was just as tall as she remembered him being. The breath caught in her throat as she scanned around the room. One of her fellow nurses was looking at her with a look that she couldn’t quite decipher. They all knew that Rachel had been in a bit of a slump post Finn ghosting her but he was … there. “Finn,” she said softly, taking a few steps towards his frame. She’d be lying if she said she knew what to say to him. “Hi.” That was a good start.

He felt like an asshole, but what more could he do? He’d gotten her voicemails, but between drills, day trips, and tower watches over night, he hadn’t gotten around to answering any of it. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to, but he’d been so busy that any form of returned communication had just... slipped his thoughts. Not that she’d slipped his thoughts, because how could someone like him ever forget about someone like her? If anything, it was her voicemails that gave him a reason to smile when it came time for 4 AM wake up calls and endless drills.

Hearing his name fall from familiar lips, Finn turned around slowly, smile growing the moment he laid eyes on her. She was just as pretty as he remembered her to be, but he could see how tired she was from the small giveaways that stared back at him. She looked good though. “I don’t know if you’re busy tonight, but I won’t keep you long,” he shrugged, daring to stand a little taller as he smiled down at her. Even if he’d screwed up big time, every single part of him wanted another chance to make it right.

“I know I said I got you a gift from Seattle, but I also wanted to get you a few other things,” he trailed off, holding up the flowers first. “I figured you could sit them by the nurse’s station and whenever you pass by, maybe you’ll think about me.” Maybe it wasn’t fair, but desperate times called for super desperate measures. “And I got you a coffee. With that fake milk stuff that you like,” he assured, holding it out for her to take. “Figured you could use it.” He’d already downed two cups, but nothing made him feel more awake than seeing her. “It’s not a lot, but it made me think about you.” The small handles of the gift bag slide down his wrist and onto the tips of his fingers as he held it out for her to take. Inside was an apology card and a candle that just so happened to have her favorite Grey’s character on it. “If you don’t like it, it’s okay. I promise it won’t hurt my feelings. Not after the crap I did,” he hummed, feeling guilty all over again.

His mother had been the one to insist he go big for the night. She’d helped him pick out flowers and bag the gift he’d gotten Rachel while on a trip into Seattle. Maybe she hated him for leaving, but trying to show her how he felt once last time didn’t seem like such a bad plan after all. So, with a gift bag, flowers, and her favorite flavored coffee in hand, Finn made his way into the hospital, uniform hugging his slimmed frame a bit looser than it had months earlier. Turns out, a lot could change without home cooked meals and a lot of exercise. “I’m looking for Rachel Berry,” he hummed smoothly, the nurse on the other end of the conversation smiling wide before making a call. “Thank you,” he added, nervous to see the woman again. He’d screwed up, but not by choice and now was the moment of truth. Had he blown his chance entirely, or was there still hope for a future with a woman he’d come to adore?

RACHEL: At least you’re safe.

RACHEL: I’ll be here. I’m on nights so I’ll be around. And if you can’t find me, I’m pretty sure you know how to.

FINN: yeah, i'm happy to be back. washington was cool and all but it rained a lot and my missed my family.

RACHEL: We weren’t dating.

RACHEL: Yeah, that works. I’m working tonight so I’ll be here.

FINN: i wanted to ask y| [DELETED]

FINN: i want to as| [DELETED]

FINN: i know we weren't...

RACHEL: Hey.

RACHEL: It’s fine. You didn’t really owe me an explanation.

RACHEL: You got me something?

FINN: really? it feels like i do. i feel like if you're really into someone, you owe them an explanation.

FINN: hey, so i just landed back in new york and i wanted to reach out and say i'm really sorry for not giving you a heads up before i left. it was last minute and i didn't really know where i was going or for how long and i understand if you don't wanna talk to me.

[ a few minutes later ]

FINN: i got you something though. i spent a lot of time in fort lewis out in washington. it was my first time out there, but it was super close to seattle, so me and a couple guys drove up a few times.