Thank you for enrolling in Creep Check™; you have been added to the visitation list of all 324,563 known Creeps. We will contact you shortly with information on how to opt out of each of your regularly scheduled visits. We value your patronage and will do our best to provide you with everything you need to combat the horrors. Have a wonderful day!
Every fourth Tuesday you will be visited by Ronald Fingers. Forward this message to twenty of your friends to send him to hell, where he belongs.
On all bank holidays, you will receive an unmarked packaged from Lester Crudd. Please update the billing information we have on file in order to continue receiving your Crudd.
Each February 29th, you will be accosted on the street by Derrick Wormsly. Reply STOP to stop receiving these visits.
Harris Doubletree will follow you to work three times a week. Please enter your father's Social Security Number to pacify him.
On alternating Wednesdays, Peter Bolognese will bump into you outside the post office and spill his Monster energy drink on your shirt. Send $40 to your mother to make him spill Red Bull on your pants instead. At this time, this Creep is regrettably unstoppable.
You will be forced to endure the overwhelming scent of Wendy Hickenbottom's perfume for not less than twenty minutes on a Saturday morning of your choosing. Remove your nose to end your suffering.
Reply GRANDSON to be included in the will of noted recluse Bethilda Truncheon, who wishes her grandson Bradley would call her more. Failure to respond will result in endless complaints to your father about how inconsiderate you are.
Every Sunday night, Nosy Margaret will watch you sleep. Reply UNCOMFORTABLE to make her mind her own business for once.
Jerry, that guy you met in forklift certification class, would like to take you on a date. Reply NOT IN THE RIGHT EMOTIONAL STATE RIGHT NOW to let him down gently.
Unsettling ne'er-do-well Dean Derrickson has invited you to his 8:30 PM barbecue. Invent preexisting plans to escape the horrors of "smoked pork chunklins."
Reply LITIGATION to sue beloved but aloof party clown Anthony Widdershins (DBA Grinkles the Clown) for emotional damages. Reply PETITION to instead be added to a list of Grinkles the Clown's most fervent defenders who believe unfailingly that he is innocent.
You have been successfully unenrolled from Creep Check™. We regret the loss of your patronage and hope that you will reconsider. Your membership will remain active for the remaining fourteen months of your initial subscription, at the Sinner's Price of $174.89 a month, during which period you may and will be alerted to the presence of local creeps at all hours. Burn in hell.
Bart Gumpshire from the Creep Check™ communications team would like to send you photos of his intricately carved wooden dolls. Reply YES to see these beauties. Reply PLEASE to see more angles of these dolls, they are true works of art. Reply BART for a tasteful selfie of BART carving his dolls.
snowghoul
vaporwave
romaincrisis
baratheonpilled
jacobvanloon
