sammie :)

CHAPTER 20 - FLASHBACK: TEN

Eighty to forty.

Slashed in half.

On paper, the tactical statistics sound nothing short of a miracle.

In a division plagued by endless casualties, any hope of saving lives rather than destroying them should (and will) sanction blind approval from higher command.

For the commandant, for the king, for the people behind those Walls relying on this team to succeed in breaching the forest to pursue the mission of the Scout Regiment, it’s the best idea curated to date—

And it’s all thanks to Commander Erwin and his right-hand man, Captain Levi.

Levi Ackerman insists he can take on any Abnormal single-handedly.

Commander Erwin insists his Special Operations squad can and will find a way through the thick of it, once and for all.

A triumphant success for humanity, no matter the cost.

— but that was on paper.

When you wake, Levi isn’t beside you in your bed.

His disappearing act in the morning isn’t unusual nor is it disappointing.

By now you're used to waking up without him, though you only find yourself sleeping thanks to him.

(He's admitted that, if he doesn't slip out earlier than when you wake, then he may never leave.) 

Although your relationship is the worst kept secret within the Special Ops squad, it’s still just that:

A secret.

What is not a secret, however, is the trajectory of what’s to come.

Not every day in the regiment is a nightmare, but this is the type of day the average cadet dreads when they pledge their allegiance to the Survey Corps.

So you ready for the day with noticeable weight on your shoulders.

A determination to see this through.

A promise to show up for your fellow man.

(An oath to Levi that the two of you will make it out of this alive and see another sunrise.)

Today will be brutal, but you can prevail.

Stepping out of your quarters in full Scout gear, you hear the whinnies and whines of nearing horses as they gallop toward headquarters.

You fix the collar of your cropped tan jacket in time with your footsteps descending down the stairwell, mind elsewhere.

Bodies hurry in and out of the open front door. Gear clinks. Blades sheath.

“Lieutenant James!”

That voice belongs to no soul you know.

You stop dead in your tracks right in front of the open double doors. Turning to the sunlight, you raise a hand to shield the rays to locate who may have spoken your name.

Before you stands an entirely new group of Scouts that you’ve never seen before. Fresh-faced and determined, if not a little terrified — there is a large array of them standing around in a semicircle at the mouth of headquarters.

All adorn the Wings of Freedom.

All press their fist backwards to their heart, denting the emblem.

You realize some of their faces look familiar.

Albeit it was a brief stint as a cadet in the training corps, recognition flutters over your face as you spy some of the hopefuls that slept not so far from your bunk in the barracks.

It's been years. What were once youthful faces now age well before their time.

“Lieutenant, sir!”

The one in the center, a short-haired woman with glasses, barks once more.

“We’re pleased to make your acquaintance and to serve under the command of Humanity’s Strongest.”

At first you say nothing, dazed at the sheer number of this squad. 

Seven people hold steadily onto seven individual horses, their shoulders shrouded by emerald green cloaks. Some keep their hoods adorned to the crowns of their heads. Others bare their nervous but brave faces to you.

“At ease,” you murmur, and they lower their fists. “I wasn’t aware another squad was joining us this morning.”

“Miro Squad, sir, at your service,” the short-haired person greets, bowing. “I received Commander Erwin’s urgent letter for additional soldiers in the pursuit of breaching the forest.”

They take a half-step back and gestures to their team, pointing out every soul on their squad.

Miro, their leader; Trina, their second-in-command with wild fiery hair; and Scouts Orin, Max, Penelope, Cesca, and Rini.

Seven additional Scouts.

Fourteen Scouts in full for this Hail Mary of a mission.

Then it hits:

Proposing half of the original projected damage was bold, even for someone as shameless as Commander Erwin.

He had no qualms with setting this mission up with the new layout provided by Levi, ensuring as much of an air-tight plan as possible.

Eighty to forty percent is nothing short of a miracle.

But miracles do not exist in the Scouts.

Your stomach drops into the dirt with the sickening realization of what Commander Erwin’s grandiose solution really meant.

Miro Squad is the forty percent reduction.

A cruel and inhumane buffer of surefire casualties in order to keep the Special Ops squad intact during the breach.

You’re staring at a group of devoured bodies before you even reach the trees.

“It’s…”

You struggle with your words before slamming your backward fist to your heart, raising your chin.

Some of the younger Scouts stare in awe at your blatant display of honor.

“It’s wonderful to meet you, Miro Squad.” 

You bow, though you feel dirty for doing so.

“I trust Commander Erwin made you aware of today’s efforts?”

Miro nods. “We intend to serve however we can.”

They don’t know.

They need to know.

They need to make an informed decision before—

“Lieutenant,” a deep voice sounds behind you, and your skin crawls.

Turning your chin, you stare eye to eye with the blue-eyed man boring down on you.

Commander Erwin appears somber.

Stoic.

“Yes, Commander?”

The question is small, but it drips with a knowing venom.

Erwin is not fazed. “Captain Levi is tending to the horses at the stables. Can you aid him in preparation before departure?”

To you, you conjure what appears to be a clear answer woven between the lines:

Do not interfere. Do not disobey.

You hold rank to an extent in the Scouts, but what the Commander says, goes.

Continuing to hold his icy blue stare, you try to convey the question you cannot say out loud.

(Do they know what is about to happen?)

Erwin continues to stare right back, not the least bit fazed by the conflict in your brow.

He is confident. He is headstrong.

An answer.

They're going to dedicate their hearts.

(Just like you, too, promised years ago.)

Without another word, you turn on a heel and beeline straight to the stables.

Anger.

Why do you feel so much anger?

Is it because the outcome feels bleak well before mission has started?

Are the odds truly this stacked against humanity?

When you reach the parted doors of the stables, he's there — Levi Ackerman stands in front of his black stallion, gliding a gentle hand down its muzzle.

He senses your presence well before you even say a word.

He turns easily to you, but his eyes sharpen a fraction when he picks up how pinched your shoulders are.

“James,” he greets neutrally, brow knitting. “What’s—”

“Miro Squad just showed up.”

“Who?”

“Don’t play dumb,” you snip, making your way to your own horse — she has a white coat with speckled gray spots all along her body.

She makes a small chortle noise when you near and you serve your flattened palm to her for a nuzzle.

(Behind the pen doors, you note she already has her gear in place. Levi must have already saddled her up for you while you were getting ready.)

The dark-haired man to your left sighs in a huff. 

“Not playing dumb, James. I was genuinely asking.”

“It’s the squad Erwin’s setting up for slaughter,” you decide to elaborate hotly.

A pause passes.

You don't turn to see Levi's expression, but you can sense how tense the space between the two of you has become.

“If it’s Miro Squad he called to action, then they’ve fared well in comparison to the other squadrons," he argues with little fire. "Did he personally request them?"

"Allegedly."

"Allegedly?" Levi repeats, sharper in tone. "Either he did or he didn't."

"According to Miro, yes, he sent an urgent letter requesting aid."

Finally you turn a cheek towards him, forcing your eyes to meet.

You know that look he gives you sidelong. 

Don’t start.

(Neither of you need to fight again, not before this mission.)

"Then Erwin didn't pick a random crop of Scouts to shit the bed and die on us," Levi reasons, softer. Conspiratorial. "I know you think he’s a bastard, but—”

“Worst case scenario,” you interrupt, “at least his Special Ops team won’t die?”

“If my strategy goes well, then no one dies." He counters with the certainty that’s entirely Levi. “You forget my name is on the damn ledger, too, unless this is you trying to tell me something.”

White-hot embarrassment courses your veins as your childhood friend waits for you to challenge his statement — to call him an equal-part premeditated murderer sat right beside the commander.

You can’t.

You won’t.

Instead you cool off by slowly petting your horse, willing your bad feeling to wither away.

After a moment, Levi wills his voice to soften again. “We need as many Scouts as we can—”

“I know.”

“—and even then, if we all kick the bucket, it's on me."

Levi finishes with a heavy sigh. He turns away, dropping his chin to his chest.

“I'll take whatever punishment fits the crime if it goes to shit."

A beat passes.

Blinking several times, you turn your body to him and drop the attitude.

“...and I'll do everything in my power to make sure we stay alive," you whisper softly. "That everyone comes home."

Levi’s head hangs, cascading his wispy black hair as a curtain over his face.

“That's not supposed to be your burden."

"Where you go, I go, remember?" you tell him. "For better or worse, I don't care."

"Wanna workshop vows, huh?" he mumbles. "Right now?"

This seems to ease the air about the stables.

Centimeter by centimeter, twin pairs of shoulders release in their tension.

You can't help but smile, even if the moment is tense.

"I think the Commander would find the dramatics funny."

"Oh, sure, proposing to your ass right before the single-biggest mission in Scout history would really tickle his funny bone," he sarcastically replies.

"It'd sure tickle Hange's."

"Hange doesn't need more ammunition, not after catching our asses that one time—"

"That one time that was your fault, you mean?" You grin as he glares. Still, his scowl is playful. "Loud Mouth Ackerman—"

"Shut up, Lieutenant."

Levi lets go of his horse and raises his hand, palm outstretched.

“Get the hell over here before anyone catches us a second time, alright?”

Albeit small, he smiles.

It's forced, like he wants to remember this — to focus on this.

The final moments before the point of no return.

Like a moth to a flame, you step away from your horse to step towards the short, dark-haired man.

Once you’re close enough, he pulls you in from the nape of your neck and drags your forehead to his, pressing them together.

His eyes squeeze shut.

You stare, memorizing his face.

“I love you,” he murmurs. “Don’t die.”

All the anger in your body melts away.

“I love you, too,” you reply just as softly. “I won’t—”

The stable door creaks.

You leap off of the captain to pretend like you’re picking up the bucket of water at his boots.

Levi stays put, dropping his arm like dead weight.

“Captain. Lieutenant.”

You don’t need to see the face to know it’s Erwin’s voice echoing through the stables.

“It’s time to move out.”

You both reply in unison, two different octaves.

“Yes, sir.”

.

.

.

.

.

The formation is simple:

Captain Levi leads the charge into the forbidden forest with Lieutenant James at his side.

Behind them in a diamond formation are the Special Operation Scouts Petra, Oluo, Gunther, and Eld.

Command Erwin, Section Commander Hange, and Moblit remain at headquarters for the recon and debrief.

At the rear of the formation are Miro Squad to specifically call out nearing and flanking titans that the first squad may miss.

They shadow the Special Operations unit as back-ups, no matter the cost.

And at first? It's easy.

Deceiving easy.

The mouth of the forest gives little trouble.

Both squadrons of Scouts breach the thick grove of towering trees without incident.

Thirty minutes into this mission, in the belly of this beast, not a single Abnormal has been spotted.

There aren't any typical titans, either.

It’s quiet.

Serene.

“Alright, listen up!”

With his hands tightly wound around leather reigns, Captain Levi finally calls to the Scouts behind him.

“Keep your eyes peeled. Abnormals do not move like other titans. These shitheads can be fast and appear at a moment’s notice.”

“Right!” Several of the Miro squad shouts back.

The Special Operations squad is too focused to reply.

Whenever you glance over at Levi, he’s smooth as stone. 

He refuses to allow any emotion cloud his judgment on a mission, and you can imagine it won’t be any different this go-around.

Because this mission cannot fail.

The Scouts must push forward, no matter the cost.

(Even if the irrevocable cost makes you sick to your stomach.)

The sun shines bright over a canopy of trees.

Your cloak is too warm in this type of weather.

As you push further into the thick of the terrain, nearing what is assumed to be the halfway point of the forest, birds chirp less and less.

Eerie silence overtakes the pounding of hooves into the dirt.

Then, as fast as an inhale, you see it:

Directly ahead trudges a nine-meter titan, peering around a thick tree trunk.

"Captain!" Gunther shouts. "Ahead at our twelve!"

"I see the piece of shit," Levi calls back. "We keep moving. I'll take care of it."

You don't doubt that he will.

As it continues to slowly advance on your formation, you can tell the team is a little more tense.

Ready — 

Except no one was prepared, not really.

The titan ahead is an army of one, but it is not the only titan here.

It was just the only one right in front of you.

Behind you sounds a scream so bloodcurdling that you nearly lock up on your horse.

You turn despite yourself.

Within seconds, you see Max get ripped clear off of his horse with the sheer force of otherworldly strength.

(...a hand?)

Then, a gust of wind sweeps and swirls the dirt into a lackluster tornado.

His horse narrowly escapes.

It rolls over and over, kicking up a thick dust cloud.

Max speeds through the air at breakneck speed like a human arrow —

Until he abruptly crashes into a thick tree trunk, dislocating his spine from his head.

The crunch is like ripping a stalk of ripe lettuce in half.

He simply crumples against the tree, limbs peacefully blowing in the wind like a leaf.

His Scout cloak billows over his shocked face, forever frozen in belated surprise.

Gone.

Just like that.

Then from the shadows, as if waiting for its prey, a five-meter titan stumbles around a tree to chomp on the recently deceased body.

It gnaws off his legs as they dangle in the air, spattering blood all over the forest floor.

Your horse gallops on.

You can't look away.

Then someone screams, forcing your eyes to rip away from the horror.

“Cesca!” A blonde girl shrieks to the right of the formation — Penelope, you think her name is. “Don’t!”

“It's devouring him!” Cesca wails at the top of her lungs. “We have to go back for him!”

“He’s already dead!” Trina calls with experienced calm. “There's no use, soldiers! Keep your eyes forward. We keep moving!”

“James—”

Your head turns when Levi calls to you.

Wide eyes meet a narrowed gaze.

“—that means you, too.”

Your eyes round with the realization that everything is happening so fast yet moving in slow motion.

What was that thing?

Was that a... ?

You were so busy watching Max get eaten that you didn’t realize three more titans appeared on the northeast corner, awakened by the screams of Miro Squad.

Shit.

This isn’t good.

This is not good.

“Levi,” you begin slowly, but he shakes his head.

"Don't hesitate. We push forward no matter what."

He's right.

Max is dead.

You just have to hope the rest of Miro squad keeps their wits about them.

You turn your head to make eye contact with Miro.

“Faster!”

“Roger, Lieutenant,” Miro tells you before shouting to their team. “Keep going, Scouts! We should be halfway through the clearing.”

“Miro,” Trina alerts them sharply, "three more titans are crowding from the right."

“Shit, what does that make it now? Seven of them!?” Miro hisses.

(Seven?)

Your eyes connect with Petra who appears equal parts shocked at just how quickly this mission has dissolved.

“I— there's a whole bunch of them in the back!”

Penelope calls frantically, staring behind her.

"They're surrounding us!"

Three to the east.

Another three to the northwest.

A couple to the south, and another...

Something entirely unlike anything you'd ever seen before.

“Captain, we’re going to need to ditch the horses,” you tell Levi in a hushed voice.

“Not yet,” he replies, smooth and certain.

“Not yet?" you repeat. "Levi, we have an entire army of goddamn titans on our—”

“I said not yet,” he coolly bites. “I’ll handle them.”

You know he will.

You just don’t want him to go up against them on his own.

Suddenly someone from the right side of the formation ignites their ODM gear, and they swoop overhead.

Blonde hair whooshes straight by the team and into the forest thick.

Penelope is the first to pull the trigger.

“I’m gonna get ahead of the curve and attack!” she calls, zipping through the trees towards some of the smaller titans.

Levi says nothing, but Miro shouts to their own squad: 

“That wasn’t the plan! Damn it, Penelope!”

Her body rounds one of the tree trunks and heads right, disappearing.

Say something.

Say anything.

If that thing that killed Max is how an Abnormal moves, then Penelope doesn't stand a chance on her own.

You speak to him again. "Captain—”

“Not yet, James.”

“Penelope is going to get killed!” you argue, your grip on the reigns tightening.

“That’s the choice she made,” Captain Levi argues in return, sounding a little too much like Commander Erwin in the moment. “Remain steady and wait for my signal.”

Twigs fold and crackle under new weight to your right.

Then a thud shakes the straight through the horses and into you.

Penelope must have taken down at least one normal titan.

“Captain!”

Miro shouts in the middle of the squad.

“Should we engage? My squad can take care of the titans and carve a path forward!”

There is a tense, pregnant pause.

Everyone waits for Levi's instruction.

Two smaller titans walk directly towards the horses.

The dark-haired man's nostrils flare with decision.

“I’m going to take down the two ahead,” Levi shouts, effortlessly swinging a boot to the saddle of his horse.

With the muscles of his thigh he pushes until both boots are surfing against his running horse.

His black hair blows wildly in the wind. Like a well-oiled machine, he pushes back his cloaks to reveal his ODM gear, readying for deployment.

"Miro, take your squad and eliminate the enemies flanking us. You can come back to us once you're finished."

“What about the rest of us, sir?” calls Oluo.

Levi’s eyes narrow at the enemies ahead.

“My squad will keep the horses going. We need to make it to the end of this forest, for humanity's sake."

"And Captain, what about Penelope?" you quickly ask.

"She's a lost cause, Lieutenant."

He speaks with that coldness he's been forced to adopt ever since your days in the Underground.

"We can't go back for her."

You turn to watch as Miro squad disengages formation and turns around, charging bravely towards the crowd of titans forming behind.

An array of shapes and sizes await their swords.

(Or their flesh.)

Any minute now and it could be a bloodbath.

Any minute—

Levi flies off of his horse, trapezing through the trees.

A gas trail from how hard his gear is working is your only indicator for where he is at such a height.

He twirls with the shine of his unsheathed swords, slashing the napes of the two large titans ahead.

A victory.

Except it's a short-lived victory, because you hear it behind you— 

Miro squad.

They're in trouble.

Even from this distances you hear Cesca, Rini, and Orin scream and panic.

Scouts fly between tree branches with smoke trailing behind. ODM gear ignites and retracts without any real clear sense of direction.

They're drowning back there.

You see the silhouette of someone falling to the forest floor.

"One of us needs to help them," you tell Eld, and he shakes his head sharply.

"You heard Captain Levi."

"They're two fucking Scouts down, Eld!" you snap at your comrade. "We'll lose seven whole people!"

"We can't go against captain's orders, Lieutenant!" Petra calls to you, and Oluo nods beside her.

Scanning your squad still soldiering ahead with the plan, you feel something grip your heart.

Yet another gut-wrenching shriek sounds from the forest.

Maybe it's Penelope.

Maybe it's Cesca.

The voices reverberate and echo through the forest that it's hard to tell.

You don't even realize that you're moving your hands over your cloak to push it out of the way.

Eighty to forty.

"The hell are you doing!?"

The clipped tone of Levi Ackerman as he drops back onto his stallion rips you back into focus.

His knee drops to the saddle, facing his soldiers rather than what's ahead.

Your eyes meet narrowed gray.

"I can help," you tell him calmly. "They're going to die."

"Stay."

"They're going to die, Le—"

"Stay, Lieutenant." Levi's nostril's flare. "That's an order."

Miro squad's screams continue to haunt your subconscious.

You promised.

You said you'd stay by his side.

But isn't this what the Scout Regiment is for?

To save humanity, to give them hope.

It used to be something you felt was such a crock of shit, but you can't ignore the screams back there.

You can't let them die.

"I'm going to help them," you tell him without a tremor. "You know I can do it."

Levi's eyes flash with an indiscernible emotion.

"We'll all come back in one piece. I'll guide them to the horses."

"No."

"And we'll make it to the end of this fucking forest."

You stare back at him, pleading a forgiveness you haven't asked for yet.

(You saved me once. Let me save them.)

"If you go," he growls, "James, if you go, I'll—"

"I'll take whatever punishment fits my crime," you cut him off, "but I can't let them all die."

His pupils shrink, sharpening the whites of his eyes.

The wheeze of ODM gear bursts into life as it lifts you off of your saddle and into the forest sky.

Without thinking, you twist at the hip and take off—

You head south towards the screaming squad as they fight to break free from the titan hoard holding them hostage.

Wind freezes your cheeks.

The outlines of their bodies grow more pronounced the closer you become.

Soon you see five Scouts flying around, swinging their swords to destroy the last remaining titan.

Below are a cluster of smaller dead ones decaying by the second.

Trina, Miro's second-in-command, screams at the top of her lungs as she reaches out to her comrades.

"Help! Please, I don't want to be eaten! Please!"

She's stuck in the clutches of a ten-meter titan, slowly bringing her closer and closer to its open mouth.

They’re everywhere.

(How did everything go so wrong so fast?)

You don't think about dying. You don't worry about how upset Levi will be when you return. You don't stop to second guess your actions. 

You don’t.

You just do.

Yelling at the top of your lungs, you rip both blades from their metallic sheaths at your hips.

Spinning from the momentum of your swing, you slice straight through the wrist of the titan holding Trina hostage.

She falls with enough smarts to break her fall with her own gear.

“James!” Trina cries out with equal parts despair and relief. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I came to make sure you were all okay," you tell them, shaking your head. "I guess you didn't really need back-up. We still have your horses..."

But you trail off, confused.

They should be relieved.

They killed every last titan back here.

Yet the Miro squad cling to the trees, skin as translucent as ghosts.

"Something big ate Penelope!" Cesca sobs, swinging her sword frantically to keep invisible outstretched fingers at bay. Her eyes are a window to nothing. As if she's curled into herself as she screams to you. "You need to—"

You're about to ask what the hell she's talking about.

But then you see it:

Climbing.

No, crawling through the trees, running like a rabid dog through the branches to eye up its prey.

A titan.

In comparison to other titans, it's practically a sun spot.

And it's so fast.

Eleven meters tall. Maybe thirteen.

You can't tell when its crouched like that.

Deformed.

Curled in on itself.

Then it halts when it sees you, blocking you from the rest of Miro squad.

A chill runs up your spine.

You stop to balance against the side of a tree trunk, staring face-to-face with your first Abnormal.

Its grin is something straight out a nightmare.

Its eyes track you, as if it...

As if it hopes you’ll flinch and begin the chase.

Shit.

You can't get around it.

You're stuck here — but the other five aren't.

“Trina, Miro, find Captain Levi,” you force yourself to speak, unable to look away from the Abnormal. “Take your squad north. Tell them you found an Abnormal."

“But—”

“I said go north, damn it,” you growl, clenching your teeth.

"What about you?" Miro asks.

“I'll be right behind you," you promise, though you damn well know you can't run straight through with your gear.

Why isn’t this titan attacking you?

Is it just waiting for you to run first?

Dedicate your heart.

No — this thing isn't going to kill you.

Max is dead. Penelope is dead.

But you came just in time to save five others.

You can save them, yourself, and this mission.

No, you won't die.

Not today.

“Go!”

Shouting at the top of your lungs, the Abnormal finally dives to attack you. 

Only when you swing past it do you realize it was waiting — not for you, no, but for an eight-meter and ten-meter with blood all over its mouth to catch up.

Not one, but three Abnormals.

Shit.

Miro and Trina gather Orin, Cesca, and Rini.

All five swing through the trees back towards where you just came from.

In the meantime, you exhaust your efforts through intense ODM defensive maneuvers to avoid getting caught in the clutches — or teeth — of the three titans.

They chase after you, using the trees to their advantage.

It's no use.

You can't outrun all three.

So you'll have to fight these assholes to find a way out.

Turning abruptly, you side-step the lurching ten-meter reaching out towards you.

With a battle cry from the gut, you scream and slice straight through the nape of its neck. 

Steam emits as it gurgles and stumbles, effectively dying on the forest floor.

One down.

Three to go.

You set your sights on the smaller titan first, gliding and sliding through the trees.

(The eleven-meter titan will be your greatest problem. You choose to make it your final priority.)

When you flip in the air, crown pointed to the ground and feet in the air, you can no longer see the bodies of Miro squad.

Only a faint trail of their gas fumes linger.

It’s just you, and the things that want to kill you.

But you won't die today.

No, you are not dying in this fucking forest.

Because you promised him.

Skating across a large tree trunk, you swan dive in the air and reattach your gear to opposite tree trunks, sights locked on the eight-meter titan.

The eight-meter monster stares directly at you, but you use its shoulder to lodge your spike directly into its flesh.

The momentum of the swing offers enough brutality to effectively rip into the nape of its neck, causing titan blood to splatter all over your body.

It stumbles, falling to the forest floor. You remain perched on its shoulder, sword extended.

Two down.

You can do this.

You can finish these titans off and meet up with the team before the mission is over.

It isn’t a lost cause.

Determined to see it through, you turn on the heel of your boot—

With a might crack of its arm, the eleven-meter knocks you clear off of the eight-meter’s shoulder and straight into the tree your gear is already attached to.

Your head hits.

The world turns into stars right before your eyes.

And before you can find yours wits and attack back—

Its fiery palm seizes your body from the tree trunk and squeezes.

The momentum nearly rips your spine in half when the Abnormal grabs you.

You gasp for air, knocked clear from your lungs.

Because you didn’t disengage your ODM line latched into the nearby tree, the sheer force of its grip on you bends your gear, forcing you to ragdoll between the points.

Shit.

The grapple of your gear won’t budge.

It won’t detract. 

The jerking movements between the manhandling of the Abnormal and your jammed gear create a perfect storm of injuries.

Pops and crunches trickle up your body, breaking bones upon bones upon bones—

You see white. 

The titan cannot get you loose from the tree, and you cannot get loose from it, so you act on pure instinct — with what little strength you have left, it stretches out and around to swipe your sword through the titans hand, narrowly missing your own chest.

One chance, and you took it.

Because not only did the sword cut through the titan, but it split the ODM line keeping you eleven meters in the air.

When you realize you can’t even breathe when the titan lets you go, you know what’s coming.

Weightless and numb of your own pain, you can feel the wind on your face, but your lungs refuse to expand.

They’re trapped from a cracked rib, and you’re out of time.

Something as bittersweet as foolish bravery crawls through your skin, burning it alive:

No one is coming.

You told Miro squad to run.

You defied orders.

—but you promised Levi you wouldn’t die.

(Is this the end of all things, right here?)

The screams and shouts echoing through your mind are not of Levi and Miro squad, no, but of your lost comrades — the ones who experienced the very same hopeless, fleeting feeling of fear right before they went.

You think of ash-blonde hair. Ginger locks.

Were Furlan and Isobel afraid?

When they couldn’t survive the Scouts, when they fought titans, did they look up at the sky just like you?

Did they know it was the end?

Were they worried they disappointed Levi?

Did they think of you, too, the way you're thinking about them?

Would they hate you for what you've done to Levi?

Four pairs of hopeful eyes walked up those Underground City stairs and into this world, yet only one will remain.

I promised.

You open your mouth, but nothing comes out.

No screams.

No sobs.

You reach for the branches, watching the glittering sun through the canopy of trees, but you cannot touch them.

There is nothing you can do.

I’m sorry.

You continue to reach for the sky like you’ll catch on something without strength.

Your adrenaline-addled mind runs through so many memories—

The fighting rings of the Underground City;

The dream of leaving this place;

The feeling of the sun on bare skin;

Him.

Levi Ackerman.

Captain of the Scout Regiment. Humanity’s Strongest.

Your best friend.

The love of your life.

The boy who saved you, over and over, until—

“James!”

Suddenly your body reacts with a pained, strangled gasp.

The beauty of the sun disappears when a dark, oval silhouette overtakes it.

A brilliant shimmer of emerald billows around it.

It twirls and slashes the nape of the eleven-meters neck before pivoting south.

Towards you.

The silhouette nears at supernatural speeds, a trail of gas zipping in its wake—

It’s a man.

His gaze is overtaken by the whites of his eyes.

With how fast he’s descending from the tree tops, it’s a miracle he ducks and dodges every rogue branch.

His black hair is pinned to the sides of his head. The terror is written all over his face.

That face…

Levi.

You can’t speak, but you instinctively reach for his hand.

He grits his teeth, willing his body to fall faster. He breaks a barrier and soars closer to your orbit.

“Stay with me!” Levi shouts, voice determined and strong. “I’ll catch you!”

But you’ve been falling for what feels like hours, and he’s caught you so many times in the past.

When you struggled with ODM gear training, Levi would be the one to spot your fall. Every time, without failure.

But it wasn't his duty to catch you.

It wasn't his duty to come back for you.

He reaches out a hand, teeth clenched, but his fingertips just barely miss yours.

"Shit. C'mon, James, reach!"

He's getting desperate.

You've never seen him desperate.

The ground must be close.

Is it close?

(I’m sorry.)

You wish you could tell him. 

You wish you had the strength, the breath, to do so. 

(I'm sorry.)

You failed him.

You didn’t listen.

You should have listened.

With what little strength is left in your both, you roll your shoulder forward to send your hand towards his.

Your fingertips touch again, but he can’t quite grasp you. 

(But then so many others would have died. An entire squad of seven in a formation of fourteen instead of just three. Isn’t that what the Scouts are supposed to fight for, Levi? Isn’t that why we work so damn hard to achieve this dream for humanity?)

His breath hitches.

His eyes explode.

Because he knows what’s coming, too.

“James!”

A sorrowful breath that should be his name exits your mouth.

(Levi, I’m so sorry. I love—)

The back of your head slams into the ground.

A sickening thud.

A lost gasp of air.

The world goes black.

.

.

.

.

.

  Why did you do it?

Do what?

.

.

.

.

.

  “James!”

A baritone voice shouts your name.

It’s guttural, echoing with desperation. Fear.

.

.

.

.

.

  You gave me a second chance.

.

.

.

.

.

  The man dives through the trees at an otherworldly pace.

Arms pressed tight to his sides, he expertly zig-zags through an array of branches, propelling his body forward.

His emerald cloak billows from behind in an angelic halo.

As he nears, you can make out the whites of his widened eyes.

Instinctively, your hand reaches for him—

A certain sort of deja vu—

Then it hits.

.

.

.

.

.   Because where you go, I follow.

.

.

.

.

.

  Something heavy crashes straight into your body.

Two strong arms envelope you.

A palm cradles the back of your head.

Metallic gear wheezes, straining against its mechanics when your side hits solid ground.

Over and over, you spin at lightning speed.

Whatever holds you does not let go.

— then you collide with something solid, and everything just stops.

Silence.

Dirt kicks up around you in a cloud.

Twin hearts beat against each other.

Slowly you raise your hand to your shoulder—

Reaching— 

Until you find his hand.

Your shaking fingers curl over his.

CHAPTER 18 - FLASHBACK: NINE

Nights turn into years.

The Scouts, to your surprise, take you in as their own. 

They don’t question the nature of your connection with Captain Levi.

They don’t even ask about your time in the Underground City. 

All they’re curious about is the now — the living, present air that surrounds you; the sun that's finally giving your skin a healthy glow; the comradery that’s kept this group alive longer than any of the Interior betting pools imagined.

Together.

That isn’t to say living with the Scout Regiment has been a breeze.

The surface is almost just as tough as living in the Underground but with more light. Fighting titans is difficult and all-around terrifying, but the Special Operations unit is an otherworldly beast fit to take them on. 

At the lead of Commander Erwin and the collaboration between Levi and yourself following close behind, there are more victories in bringing people back to their families than catastrophic losses in numbers.

In terms of discovery, however, the Scouts are lacking in their mission to find anything substantial:

The villages still crawl with titans.

Breaching the forest in order to continue forward proves to be a point of no return Erwin can’t figure out by strategy alone.

The injured trek back to the Walls is always humbling. Over and over, you’re expected to deliver new information to the desperate — and oftentimes ungrateful — people behind the Walls. 

They berate you in the streets, throwing food rations and calling you and the other good-for-nothing Scouts crude names.

You’re taught early to ignore it.

(You aren’t willing to explain to Petra and the others that you and Levi have dealt with much worse at much younger ages.)

Anyone with the Wings of Freedom quickly becomes a communal punching bag, but at least no one dies.

Maybe the runts of the litter get eaten — maybe the cocky ones perish, the reckless ones break their necks, the terrified ones kill themselves — but at least no one you know dies.

(You’re okay with not discovering what’s beyond the forest, if it means none of the Special Operations squad dies.)

It isn’t long before you’re introduced to someone who becomes a constant in your life:

Hange Zoe, Section Commander — Levi’s first friend in the Survey Corps.

And, as it stands, they seem pretty hellbent on becoming yours, too.

Hange is a wild-haired, glasses-wearing individual that prides themself on their extensive titan knowledge.

Just like Levi, they stumbled head-first into your life and never left. 

They appears one foggy afternoon a few months into your Scout Regiment career. Their first day to headquarters was a memorable one.

You never anticipated the sheer amount of words that could come out of one person’s mouth. One lengthy monologue after the next, Hange caught you up to speed on the titan research program — whether you cared or not.

The Special Operations team was more than happy to trap you with Hange at the mess room table for hours so that they could be spared.

(According to Gunther, enduring their rants is just considered Special Ops hazing.)

Jokes on them: you were happy to listen, because Hange reminds you so much of Isabel.

It’s bittersweet, sharing meals and traveling with someone just as excited about the world as your young friend had been. They marvel at the little things that surround them, their smile as joyous and free as the late redhead that you once shared a cramped Underground City bedroom with.

Hange acts as though they’d known you their entire life.

They treat you as if you’d always been a friend, a very good friend, and you don’t shy from kindness the way Levi does. 

Levi, on the other hand, acts like a malevolent cat in their presence, but Hange takes it in stride.

You know Levi well enough to know it’s all an act — Hange is just as much his favorite within the Scouts as they are yours.

You’re not one to believe in fate, but many a night staying up talking to Hange about a future they see feels like your life, this strange life, was meant to be. 

That, through the comradery of the Scouts, you can learn to trust again, to laugh again, to reinvent yourself again — and not hang onto Levi’s every movement like his shadow.

You create your own space within the Special Operations squad; one where you are praised for your quick thinking, ODM maneuvering, and fearlessness in battle. 

You grow your own friendships. 

Hardships.

Inside jokes.

Celebrations. 

Bonds forged by strength and by trauma.

(Your own shadow.)

“Oi, where’s Levi?”

You had been busy reading reports in your former bunk room, now morphed and redecorated into your Lieutenant’s quarters.

It’d been a few hours since the last short-term mission ended — you had nearly gotten your ass handed to you by an eight-meter titan with a particularly animated body. Where most titans walk slowly, aimlessly, this one had a frenzied mission. A desire to run.

According to Hange, they're calling them Abnormals.

They’re a new type of nightmare that only keep showing up more and more every trip outside the Walls.

“Hello, earth to James,” Hange sing-songs as they wander in.

You glance up, distracted.

“Hmm? Where’s Levi?” you repeat. “I don’t know, why?”

“Because you two always have a sixth sense on where the other is,” Hange reasons, flopping down in the chair across from you. “It’s freaky.”

“The person who talks to titans is calling me freaky?” you ask with a smirk playing on your lips.

“That’s when you know it’s the truth,” they reply, not skipping a beat. “What is that whole thing about, anyway?”

“What?”

“Sorry, let me rephrase. I never asked: Levi came into the Scouts, right? In all his grumpy glory. Then two months later, you joined us.”

You squint as a response to Hange’s presented puzzle.

“That guy is a hard nut to crack. You must have some kind of special sauce to get him to trust you so fast. Unless…”

The others still don’t know.

Well, they know — they know Levi is incredibly protective of you.

They know you look to his guidance before anyone else.

They know the two of you often disappear to spar.

(Surely they must know where you are almost every night but are too afraid to speak up. It doesn't hinder Scouting missions in the morning.)

“We knew each other before the Scouts,” you finally confess, and Hange’s eyes blow wide with the validation.

“I knew it,” they tell you, snapping their fingers. “The Underground City, right?”

You nod, folding the map in two. “Kids that grow up there stick together.”

The shift in Hange’s expression is almost comical, bordering on conspiratorial.

“Ah-ha. So you two have been fighting alongside one another for a long time. This puts my theory of a weird cranial connection to bed. It’s just childhood friendship.”

You have to try not to smirk. “Yup, just that. No conspiracies needed.”

“Well, that’s one mystery down.” They gesture to their bare neck with their index finger. “I’m still trying to figure out the deal with that, though.”

“Huh?”

“You know, the deal.” They lean over the table to blatantly point at the silver necklace peeking out of your button-down ivory shirt, its pendant sitting against your sternum. “With. That.”

Right.

The necklace you never took off. The necklace you care for with a delicate touch. The necklace that you sleep in, bathe in, fight in.

“It’s just a necklace.”

“Sure.” Their glasses slide down the bridge of their nose. “Just a necklace.”

You laugh, turning your report face down on the table. “Sounds like you don’t believe me.”

“I don’t.” Hange smirks. “I’m supposed to be observant, remember? Well, I have deduced in my observations—”

“Ooh, a deduction,” you tease.

“—that it has importance. So what gives? Does that have something to do with a certain someone?”

Too close to him. 

You roll your eyes, sliding your hands from the table’s surface to lean back in the wooden chair.

“How come you wanna know about it so bad, then, if it’s just a necklace?”

“I said it isn’t just—”

“Uh-huh.”

“Oh, now you’re twisting my words.”

“And you’re about to lose your glasses,” you tell them, and they push the center up their nose in short defiance. “What’s the reason you’re so interested all of a sudden?”

Hange groans in the pale torch light, sliding down into their seat in dramatized agony. “Be-cause I saw a titan almost snap that thing in half and you went totally berserk.”

“So?”

“So! I saw how fast you sliced that thing up!” Hange chuckles. “Like you had a personal vendetta against the damn thing. That was supposed to be my new test subject, y’know.”

You chuckle low, burying your chin in the mouth of the emerald green cape around your shoulders. Under the fabric you hold the tiny gemstone, running it between your fingers with admiration.

“Titans should learn not to touch my shit, then.”

“Hey, shitheads.”

The deep voice makes you sit taller, lips parted with a greeting that never quite comes to fruition. 

Hange stays hunched over the table as Levi steps into the room. His hand grips tightly around the circumference of a steaming tea cup.

“Hey, Levi,” Hange greets in return. “James was just telling me all about how you two knew each other before the Scouts.”

Levi shoots you a look, and your brow quirks. Nothing too big. His shoulders relax a fraction of an inch.

“Did you tell Four Eyes how I used to always win at spars?” He drops down in a seat at the table, draping his arm over the back.

“I would never lie to poor Hange like that.”

“It wouldn’t be a lie.”

“Would, too.” You gesture to Hange. “Section Commander, would you believe me if I said he won every fight?”

Hange squints. “I’d have to observe for myself.”

Levi smirks, his lips covered by the tea cup. 

You groan, leaning over the table to plead your case. “Hange, you’re supposed to say yes.”

“Not without proper evidence!” Hange refutes.

You scoff. “Some friend you are.” 

“See, Levi? She said I’m a friend,” Hange adds, pointing to you. They lean back. “One day you’re going to say the same thing.”

Levi snorts. “Sure, when I’m shitting myself dead.”

Hange squints at the raven-haired man. “Why is it always shit jokes with—”

“James.”

It’s neither Hange or Levi that says your name.

You turn to see Eld standing at the doorway of the kitchen.

He seems… uncertain of how to approach your bedroom despite how the door is already open for wandering company. 

He shifts in his stance, clearing his throat.

“Commander Erwin wanted to speak with you,” Eld informs you, eyes flickering over your face. 

The smile you have from your conversation with Hange begins to slowly fall. 

“Something up?” Hange asks.

Eld ignores them, staring at you instead.

You turn your chin to Levi, but the captain doesn’t react. He continues sipping his tea in silence.

“Now?” you ask.

“Now,” he confirms.

You catch Hange’s eyes before pushing the chair out. “Alright, fine.”

It isn’t like Erwin to summon people, much less you. If he has something to say, he usually does so by seeking out the person in question himself. 

Sending Eld only means that he may be discussing matters with the rest of the Levi Squad on an individualized basis.

Maybe it’s to debrief from the short mission a few hours ago.

Maybe he’s looking for counsel on the strategy map you’d been pouring over before Hange and Levi swung by.

Whatever it is, it doesn’t leave you with a great feeling in your gut.

Up the stairs and down a narrow corridor sits Erwin Smith’s office. He has the door slightly ajar, the room illuminated solely by half-lit candles. 

You knock your knuckles against the wooden slab.

“Commander?”

Erwin is sitting at his desk with pages of letters, diagrams, and what you presume to be Hange’s crude drawings of the titans they had captured three months prior. His dark emerald trench coat hangs loosely from the chair’s back.

His piercing blue eyes lift, staring straight at you.

“Come in, Lieutenant.”

You were never a fan when he called you that.

Lieutenant — it was a fake title to keep the masses from ever questioning your spot on the Special Operations squad, same with Levi. 

Citizens never questioned it. Military Police, however, were never a fan.

Yet when Erwin said it, it always followed with something you wouldn’t enjoy hearing. Like you were being chastised for something before you knew the crime you’d committed.

“Is something the matter?”

“Not explicitly, no,” Erwin tells you, dropping his gaze to his papers briefly before glancing back up. “Close the door, please.”

Great.

Something was wrong.

You roll your eyes, closing the door. Your back stays pressed against it, arms crossed over your chest.

Maybe Levi became close with Erwin throughout the years, acting as his right-hand man through the thick of battle, but you had no interest in crowding his flank.

You didn’t like the method to Commander Erwin’s madness. It often went to great lengths at the cost of others; casualties be damned so long as the mission was successful.

You’re certain that’s why the public hates all of you.

Erwin, however, does not cater to the public’s opinion of himself, not when he can keep pushing towards the forest no one can quite yet conquer.

“I need you to be honest with me, Lieutenant,” he sighs, pushing his papers to the side.

You quirk a brow, staying put against the door. “I didn’t eat the rest of the potatoes, if that’s what you’re about to accuse me of.”

The blonde smirks, albeit briefly. “No, it has nothing to do with food rations.”

For a moment, the two of you stare each other down. You clench your jaw and neutralize your expression as he tries to decipher you well before the inquiry is asked. 

It’s a game of mental chess.

You won’t give him the satis—

“Lieutenant, what is your connection to Captain Levi?”

You pause. 

This question sounds like a layered spring trap — step too close with a simple answer and Erwin has the potential to drown your words in assumptions and claims.

Your heart beats a little faster. 

“You already know my connection to Captain Levi, sir.”

“You don’t need to sir me,” Erwin says, like the casual coolness of the statement will somehow ease the tension cinching your shoulder blades together. “And I never heard it from you, not directly.”

“Because you stuck my face in some mud and talked over me the day you made me think my business partners were dead,” you reply with little tact.

Erwin can’t help but smile at the snip. It’s annoying how he takes everything in stride.

“Yes. I didn’t give you much choice to explain yourself then, so I will ask you now.”

He locks eyes, and you can’t escape.

“What is he to you?”

Everything stills.

You don’t like where this is headed.

Although you spent plenty of nights in Levi’s bedroom, sometimes even switching it up to linger in yours, you both had been so careful to keep the relationship out of sight and out of mind.

You clench your jaw tighter. “Levi Ackerman is my former business partner, just the same as Isobel Magnolia and Furlan Church.”

“And?”

“And?” your brows knit. “And he is… a friend. Family.”

“A very close friend,” he surmises with a thick brow raised in question. “One you would move mountains to protect, yes? Even if you could not be beside him?”

The implications of his words instantly make you distrust the Commander’s intentions with this conversation.

While you feel close with the Scouts within the Special Ops squad, there is no mistake to be made: only one name rings true as your top priority.

And it isn’t Erwin. It isn’t Hange. It isn’t Petra, or Oluo, or Eld, or Gunther.

Fear grips your heart. 

Like a cornered animal, you speak out of turn.

“Are you implying you have a plan to split us up?”

To move you to another squad.  

It’s the first idea that pops into your panicked brain.

A captain and a lieutenant on one team didn’t really ring fair — not when you could lead up your own squad.

You don’t want to.

“Is that what this is? To gauge whether or not I’d be willing to transfer? To finally move me to some other squad so I can lead alongside Levi Squad?”

“No.”

“Because if the intent of this question on whether or not I would hurt someone that would try to separate us, Commander, then you are sorely mistaken to think that I would be alright with—”

“James,” Erwin coos, voice deceiving soft when he lifts a palm. “I have no intentions to separate or reorganize Levi Squad.”

You realize what you just blurted. 

What you’ve revealed.

You gave him all of your cards, tossing them clear to the desk in front of you.

Fuck.

You close your mouth, afraid you’ve done something horrible wrong.

Erwin gives no sign of winning the upper hand in his expression. He does, however, keep his brow gentle.

“Something new came to my attention while you were on your mission,” he tells you with purpose in an effort to calm the tension in the room. “An opportunity to navigate the forest in full with the potential to eliminate the predicted death rate. Eighty percent to forty. Slashed in half.”

You stare, choosing your next words very carefully.

“The forest is untouchable.”

“It is.”

“The last strategy didn’t work.”

“I know, Lieutenant.” He leans back in his chair. “It’s a risky mission. One that requires the best Scouts I have at my disposal. I believe, if we use my new formation, then we can pierce through the forest and find our way on the other side.”

You try to connect the dots eons away from one another. 

If Erwin wanted to give you a job, then why didn’t he just say it?

“...you know I’m willing to go, Commander,” you tell him, brows knit.

“I know you would be,” he replies, “but Captain Levi is not willing to take that risk.”

Your blood runs cold.

What?

Your chin juts abruptly to the left, head tilting as you try to process what he’s saying between the lines.

He knew you would say yes to the risky mission. You’re happy to take the risky missions.

But Captain Levi…

“What does Levi have to do with this?” you ask before you can help yourself.

“Levi came up with the strategy to breach the forest in conjunction with my formation, but he requested that I not allow you to join us.”

Erwin rests his palms against his ribcage, lacing his fingers together. He sighs through his nose, contemplating. 

“You see, now, why I wanted to know what your relations were to him.”

That ice-cold stream in your veins quickly shifts to molten.

He went behind your back?

“Levi wouldn’t do that,” you murmur, but you're not certain when you speak.

(Because it wouldn’t be the first time, you realize; deep in your gut.)

“He did,” Erwin corrects. “He has. An hour ago, to be exact.”

While you were talking to Hange?

“I’m good for the mission, Erwin,” you tell him, using his first name despite how you feel about familiarity with him.

“I know you are, James,” he replies with less formality. “And I’m willing to bypass Levi’s wishes if you want to join us on the expedition beyond the forest.”

Your mouth dries up.

Everything feels… nauseating.

There is a betrayal festering in your belly, one you cannot ignore in front of Erwin.

You have to go.

You have to find Levi.

“Permission to be excused?” you abruptly request. “I think I need to speak with Captain Levi myself, but rest assured I am going on that expedition.”

“Excused, Lieutenant,” he signs off, staying seated.

You never rip open a door so fast in your life.

Your boots echo down the corridor, face hot with embarrassment and worry.

Why would he tell Erwin not to let you go?

Why would he do that behind your back?

You round the corner, headed straight for his bedroom. When your hand jiggles the knob, it’s locked shut.

Then you continue further down the hall to the next room on the opposite end.

Your room.

Levi continues to sip tea slowly at your table, reading over the map you had folded up with mild interest. 

Hange is nowhere to be found. 

Good. It’s easier if they’re gone.

“Ackerman.”

The abruptness of his last name has him as still as a statue.

Only his gray eyes flicker up past the cup, pausing in his sip. Your lip curls as you force the words out of your mouth.

“We’re sparring.”

Levi sets his tea up on the tiny saucer below. “Excuse me?”

“I said we’re going outside and fucking sparring, Captain,” you snarl. “Let’s go.”

Because you can’t yell at him.

Not here, not when there’s a possible audience in the echoing hallways.

You hear the wooden chair scrape across the floor, and slow boots step out into the hallway with you. You don’t look back. 

Down the stairs, around the foyer, and out of the headquarter entrance you go — with every step, the more upset you get.

“This night has gotten dramatic,” he calls to you once he reaches the mouth of the sparring ring. “What did Erwin have to say?”

You turn on the heel of your boot, remaining silent.

You want him to say it first. To confess.

(You want him to prove that Erwin is lying.)

He doesn’t.

He just waits, infuriatingly patient.

“You know what Erwin had to say,” you seethe. “How could you?”

He blinks twice, inhaling slowly through his nose.

Then, he shrugs off his uniform jacket and hangs it by a nearby tree branch. He rolls up his sleeves to his elbows.

“I need you to make sure Hange doesn’t get eaten by their next test subject," he flatly explains.

“Oh, so we lie to each other now?” you ask. In a cascade of pops to your left hand, you crack your knuckles.

“James—”

Too late.

You throw the first punch, and he dodges it easily. His gaze hardens.

“Sloppy,” he comments.

Hurting Levi isn't your goal, but you don't know what else to do with this rage. This is the only way you can properly express the uncertainty festering in your belly.

Levi gets that.

He doesn't judge that.

To quell your budding panic attack, he'll easily deflect your advancements and tire you out.

(He's the only one. He's always been the only one.)

“You have some fucking nerve," you bite, nostrils flaring. "You wanna know what he asked me before he told me about your little forest plan?”

You kick him, and it happens to land.

You’re fairly certain he gave you a freebie.

His brow quirks, so you continue.

“Erwin asked me what we were.”

That seems to pause his defense, though he easily pushes away your next punch.

“And?”

“I told him we fuck.” The whites of Levi’s eyes grow. “Every single night under everyone’s noses — on every surface of his precious little headquarters —”

“You didn’t.”

“Yeah, asshole, I didn’t. I’m lying. Kind of like you lied right to my face.”

“I didn’t lie to you about the plan.” Levi throws a half-hearted punch for good measure. You deflect. "Can't lie if I didn't tell you about it."

“Shut — up.” You snap, throwing another hard hook at him.

Like lightning, he deflects. When he grabs your wrist, you struggle to rip your arm out of his grip. Levi drags you into his chest, keeping you trapped against him, the air heavy between you.

Panting through your nose, you work through your fury and hurt by staring him down.

“I’m going.”

His eyes narrow. “No.”

“What the fuck has you so scared, Levi?” you beg, and he falters for a moment. “We promised we’d be at each other’s sides, so what gives?”

Levi considers your words, searching your face. He keeps the mask up, not allowing you in — which hurts.

“You saw one today, right?” he murmurs, low and dangerous. “An Abnormal.”

The creature's wild, deranged grin still lingers in your mind’s eyes. How it ran at you on all fours, unlike any titan you’ve ever seen before. It was terrifying, but you don’t have to tell him that.

He's seen them, too.

“According to our intel, that place is crawling with Abnormals. The forest floor is a suicide pit. That’s why we can’t push on.”

“So?”

“So?” His brows knit. “If we push in, then that means they may run the other way. They may sense we have a titan held captive here. I need you to stay with Hange and Moblit while they experiment on that freak to make sure they’re safe.”

Deja Vu hits you.

“I’m going,” you robotically repeat as you work through why this feels so familiar.

“You’re not, I — did you not just listen to me, shithead?”

“I’m going,” you repeat once more, convincing yourself more than him.

Levi eases up on your wrist, panting.

"This is a waste of time.”

He pushes you away and turns a heel, heading back towards headquarters.

“Hey," you murmur.

The abrupt jolt of violence is what you need to wake up: to realize you’ve had this conversation before.

“Hey! I’m talking to you!” you shout after him.

He doesn’t look back.

A humorless laugh leaves your mouth before you launch into your final plea.

“You’re always so quick to walk the fuck away.”

That gets him to stop.

His eyes, wide with his own budding fury, stare back at you, so you continue to speak. 

“The second you think my life is in danger, you shut me out. It's textbook Levi. You stop thinking of me as a viable teammate and more like someone you should babysit.”

Levi’s nostrils flare. “James.”

“No, you listen to me, you piece of shit,” you angrily snap. “You sidelined me back in the Underground City on our last job, and look what happened. It failed. We lost everything. You got taken to the Scouts. Isabel and Furlan died.”

“Stop.”

“Countless times you’ve chosen Eld and Gunther to join you on camp watch when we’re beyond the Walls. You’ve never once asked me to take the hard watches.”

“I was avoiding the look of favoritism,” he growls, gritting his teeth.

You keep going with a small, humorless laugh. “Oh, I see right fucking through you, Levi Ackerman. The countless times you’ve put me with Petra or Oluo? With Hange and Moblit? What’s the excuse you always, always, use?”

He turns his cheek, but you push your hand against his face to turn him back to you.

“Protection, that’s right. I have to protect people. I always have to fucking protect everyone while you play martyr. Humanity’s Strongest, right?”

His eyes turn to slivers of anger. “Don’t.”

“That’s what they’re calling you behind the Walls," you mock. "Captain Levi, Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, always willing to do the hard shit. You don’t give a damn that I’m worried sick over not having your back. It's only about your fears, never mine. Now you’re escalating it to, what, forbidding me to go on missions with you, too?”

“You fought an Abnormal for the first time today,” he quickly argues back, under his breath to keep control of his volume. “What did you say in your report? An eight-meter titan almost got you? You were lucky to escape, right?”

You can’t help but scowl. “Yes, but—”

“But, what?" he challenges with a hiss. "You wanna go back out to the den where they all shit together? Was one not enough for you today?”

“That’s what Scouts do, Levi,” you argue, rounding him as he starts to walk away again. You walk backwards, keeping in time with his steps. “We know the risks.”

“You’re not going.”

“You don’t have a fucking say in that.”

“I do.”

“Levi, no you don’t. You don’t own me,” you seethe. “Why do you think you can just order me around to sit back and watch you fight these things without me? Why don’t you trust me to fight beside you for once? Why—”

“Because if I lose you this time, then that’s it!”

He shouts, unlike himself. The volume surprises you as much as it does him.

You freeze, eyes growing wide and mirroring his own.

The echoes bounce off the trees, rustling the wind.

“I lost you when we were kids,” he confesses with a slight crack to his voice, exhausted. “I lost you when the job went wrong — James, please, I love you so goddamn much and I will lose my fucking mind if something happens to you.”

Your expression unravels, softening in his broken plea for absolution.

“Yeah, I leave you out and I am sorry if that hurts your feelings, but if I don’t have you to come home to — then what the fuck is this for?”

He is out of breath, as if a giant weight has lifted.

The emotion is far too much for him to handle.

He’s grasping at straws to hold him steady.

“Nothing will happen to me.” You see a flicker of grief pass over his stern face. “Levi, I’m not going anywhere. Hey…”

You near him, pulling his face towards you by cradling his head in your palms.

He closes his eyes, breathing sharply through his nostrils as he tries not to relax into the moment.

“You don’t know that,” he protests under his breath. “The forest is dangerous.”

“But if I have you watching my every move, how could we lose? Fighting right by your side and never leaving it,” you remind him, running a thumb gently along his cheekbone. “Remember when I promised you I wouldn’t die on you?” 

He scoffs, but you duck your chin to meet his eyes.

“Y’know, the first night you…”

“Yeah, yeah, I remember,” he interrupts.

You can’t help but smile. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, shithead, of course I do," he deflates, opening his gray eyes to study you. A light shade of pink peppers his cheeks. "Not exactly a night I could forget."

You continue caressing his cheek, knowing how much it can soothe him.

He fights it, but ultimately he relents.

Releases.

"I won't die on you," you repeat, firmer this time.

"I know," he exhales. "Because if you died on me, I’d drag your ass out of wherever shitty afterlife they stick you in and bring you back myself.”

You believe him.

For a moment you both stand here in the dark, coming down from the adrenaline.

After a minute passes, you speak softer.

"We'll clear the forest."

"I know."

"And we'll be able to return to the Walls with the first update in years."

"I know."

“And then when you're done meeting with the Commander, I’ll be waiting in your bed—”

Levi’s eyes snap open from the outwardly bold suggestion. “James—”

“—with a dozen apologies in a dozen different positions—”

He presses a hand over your mouth to muffle the other dirty things you want to say before they turn into giggles.

He kisses the back of his hand and shakes his head.

“You’re a fucking nightmare.”

Eventually he lets go, and you press a chaste kiss to his lips.

“I mean it. We’ll come home.”

A moment passes, but Levi eventually pulls your forehead to rest against his.

“Yeah. Right home.”

.

Author's Notes:

CHECK OUT THIS AMAZING FLASHBACK ART THAT @ariessential CREATED! I have it saved to my desktop so I can admire it while I'm writing. I'm obsessed.

Happy holidays to those who are celebrating this weekend! Next chapter is the final flashback. I am sure you all know where this is headed, so all aboard the pain train. Your reblogs, comments, and engagement with this story keeps this engine going. Thank you, thank you.

845 AD

it would only keep getting worse. even when the government felt that citizens of paradis were safe from the titans with the protection of the walls, everything fell apart in a single fateful evening.

an abnormal, beyond the south gate of shiganshina district. it was different this time. the titan looming over the wall had a unique and threatening appearance. it was colossal, its height helping it reach over the wall and gaze upon the terrified eyes of wall maria residents.

and then chaos erupted.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

"why am i always stuck on training duties?"

"as you know, instructor martens passed away on our latest expendition. you will train the newcomers just for this week and then you'll return to your duties of being co-captain to the levi-y/l/n squad" goddamn it erwin. goddamn it. it wasn't that she hated the idea of training the newbies, she had done it before. it was that she would be missing the expendition taking place in shiganshina, that she helped plan

"what about this week's expendition? i am the one who planned it"

"levi, hange and i have you covered. he agreed to lead your team by himself, much to his dismay. however i can't imagine anyone better than to train our new soldiers, i promise its an one time thing" erwin suggested and she huffed, falling back in her seat. if it was just for one week then so be it. to be put quite simply, she couldn't say no to erwin and being informed that her absence would be covered was an okay reason for her to worry less about. besides the scouts have been lacking manpower lately and she would feel at ease if she knew that she could contribute on shaping erwin's vision. just what was his vision again?

"you're not too bad at training" an all too familiar voice reverberated through erwin's office. y/n didn't even have to turn her head back to confirm levi's precense as a soft laugh escaped her lips.

"yeah obviously. the training grounds are on the south, that means i'll probably have to leave in a bit so i can arrive early. where is hange? at least we can all have dinner together before i go, right?"

"let's head to the dining area, hange is probably waiting for us with moblit and miche" erwin nodded as he got up and walked past levi and y/n, leaving them behind his trail.

"you'll come back to me in one piece"

"is that an order?"

"yes"

"we're equals now, i don't take orders from you brat" he teased "i had no other plans anyways, who are you going to make tea to when im gone?"

"probably hange and erwin"

"that tea is only for me, i'm gonna haunt your ass" and if it wasn't more obvious that these two had a more profound bond then erwin didn't know. sometimes he swore he could cut the tension with the knife and for the first time he lost a bet to hange. at first he didn't believe that levi and y/n would be getting this close even when the two would be caught staring at each other from across the room.

it was a mutual understanding to everyone that levi and y/n were more than just co-captains.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

"eren, you really want to be a scout member, don't you?" y/n spoke softly, crouching down next to the green eyed brunette. she could tell the boy was disappointed that he couldn't use his odm gear correctly, as every time he tried to stabilize himself he'd just turn, feet looking up in the air and head hitting the ground with a thud every time.

"i want to destroy every single titan, captain. i want to kill them all" yeah you're not the only one, she thought. just then it hit her that many of those kids in front of her were present to that fateful day. most of them had lost their family and friends during the incident and she could tell from the determination in their eyes that they would go far.

"i trust you eren" she got up and walked over a beautiful girl with jet black hair that reminded her of levi's and a red scarf, leaving eren still dangling upside down "dear, can you lend your odm mechanism to eren? i suppose there's something wrong with his" and she was right. as soon as the boy put on his friend's equipment and tried swinging, he was floating like any normal person would. just as she thought.

y/n walked back to the small stage, smiling softly as he heard the excitement reeking from the young group of friends. at the end of the day they were just kids being kids. training was hard but they've had enough of their childhood pried away from them. little moments like these never hurt. she wished that one day kids wouldn't have to be forced away from their families and trained only to die by the jaws of titans. maybe one day they would be free from this curse. and maybe then, she could open that tea shop she always wanted. maybe levi would stick around and help her too.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

"maybe you should think twice about kicking the shit out of my students" her tone on a fine line between bored to death and teasing. that trial was awfully draining and boring. since when did everyone think they could share their opinion on something they have zero knowledge on? still noone knew how to handle a titan shifter but the military police thinking they had a say in this was just a poorly written joke "besides i haven't given my testament yet"

"go ahead"

"we can use the kid to our benefit. killing him would only cause more harm and i believe it would be a serious mistake to do so. honestly he could just turn into a titan right now and kill us all for all i care. i don't see how this would benefit either parties. anyways, i said what i had to say. there are people in here with absolutely zero knowledge over titans, why are we letting them do the talking? correct me if im wrong" her cold gaze met levi's across the room as she support her weight with her elbows on the stool "go on, im curious to see how this ends"

captain y/l/n never failed to stun everyone wherever she stepped foot in. both from her beauty and boldness. in this situation, the latter was enough to turn heads her way. levi absolutely hated that. first and foremost because she deserved much better than the lewd stares of strangers upon her ethereal beauty and last but not least due to her well...controversial choice of words and audacity. even if he admired her bravery, he knew sooner or later she would get in trouble.

after the judge concluded the trial and the decision that eren would be now apart of their team, the entire squad were lead into a conference room to discuss important matters, like controlling eren's titan abilities and a formation plan for their next move to regain the shiganshina district.

"please just tell me noone else here is a titan, save me from the embarrassment"

"uh... i hope i am the only one captain y/l/n" eren said as hange offered him a cloth to clean his face from the open wounds levi's boots had caused.

"well eren jeager can we trust you to save humanity?"

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

"do you think this is going to end well?" levi turned around to meet her eyes but she was staring far off into the night sky "i know eren has shown us that we can trust him, but it's different. we've never seen anything like this before. i feel like something bad is going to happen soon and i don't know, i'm scared" huffing she took another sip of her tea that had now gone cold "this is only the beggining. the titans that infiltrated wall maria are still out there and we don't know if we'll be able to take them. maybe there's no coming out of this one"

"stop saying stupid shit like this" he snapped, making her side eye him "i mean, i feel like this too, don't be so pessimistic about it"

"i cant believe this sentence just came out of you? am i talking to the same levi?"

"shut up. i trust you enough not to die, so don't. tomorrow after we catch the female titan you'll come back to me. i don't even want the smallest of bruise on you" levi was so vulnerable during moments like these and she treasured the fact that she was the only person in this world to see him at this state.

"if you want me alive that much then i have no choice, do i?"

"i want you"

huh?

"i want you alive" there was a slight tint of red contrasting the paleness of his skin and yet she missed it due to the darkness that surrounded them.

oh.

"then I'll come back to you and you'll come back to me"

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

the forest had never looked as scary and gloomy as it did when the threat of the female titan had subsided and all that was left was to wander around looking for any surviving members of the scouts participating in the mission.

petra, oluo, ganther. everyone had died during the mission and yet she was still there, leaving the survivor's guilt and shame to wash over her. levi was right. no matter how much trust you can put into another person other than yourself, they can be gone in any minute.

"shit" she hissed slowly sitting down on the tree next to petra, who was like a found younger sister to her. her face was stoic, only a few beads of sweat atop of her hairline.

and then she let out the loudest and unsettling scream of frustration she could.

levi was the first to find her, sobbing next to petra's lifeless body. he had never seen her at this state before. even when she tried jumping off the roof she had been so calm and collected, yet now he was seeing a whole another side of her that he wished he never would again. he'd actually rather have his legs eaten by a titan, that would hurt way less. he approached her slowly, making sure he was giving her enough space to back away if she felt uncomfortable.

and then his lips met her hairline as her hands desperately grasped the clothing on his back, trying to keep herself grounded. his hands were instantly being wrapped around her waist, gripping her tightly so she could not slip and kept his lips on her scalp. no words were needed to be spoken and as he felt her loosen up he laid one final kiss on her forehead and cupped her cheeks softly making her look into his eyes.

"i failed"

"it's not your fault, calm down, i've got you, noone can hurt you"

"they're all dead" he nodded, still caressing her soft skin "it should have been me" something about her talking like that ticked him off, it scared him how she would never think about how valuable her life was then in just a second, his whole demeanor against her changed and he pushed her away, not hard enough to hurt her, yet hard enough to make her lose her footing.

"i told you to cut the shit" his tone had also changed to his ice cold , the one he would use when speaking to everyone that wasnt her "what the fuck was that for? you think that you dying would be any better? i would rather everyone in this fucking world die right now if it meant that you'd still be here and i don't care what you have to say" levi was selfish. he was so selfish when it came to her "stop acting like a pathetic bitch"

"our whole squad just fucking died, and you keep talking about me being alive and im the pathetic one here? just shut up" they were both angry and neither could recall any other time in which they have spoken such harsh words to each other "you should've let me jump off that fucking roo-" he was pushing her again, this time against the tree with his hands around her neck "what the fuck are you doing?"

"shut the fuck up" using her whatever strength she had left she kicked him away taking, a moment to catch her breath and before she knew she was pinned back against the tree "im not a monster, i cared about them just as much as you did" he spat "i dont care about them as much as i care about you and i fucking hate it so if you plan on putting others above your own life then dont bother fucking talking to me again"

"um- excuse me, captain levi? captain y/l/n?" what now? "we-they told us to come pick up the bodies" the terrified soldier saluted at the captains that were literally about to rip each other to shreds just seconds ago. levi took a step back and turned around to head back to where the rest of the survivors had gathered.

"go ahead" her glare shot knives into his back "you coming, y/l/n?" he asked stopping to look back at her. just what had gotten into him? why was he so harsh all of a sudden? she nodded and picked up her pace to reach him.

and as they walked between the high trees, neither realized how or when their fingers ended up linked to each other's once again..