I'm on my spot for a bazaar right now. I can feel a strong urge to breakdown. Pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod sa lahat ng responsibility at pag attend ng needs ng iba eh kung sarili ko nga hindi ko maasikaso. I'm so tired. I feel guilty and really sad seeing myself in this state. I feel sad for choosing others over myself. I hate to see that i cannot even take a serious rest and mental health day. That i cannot even give myself my own needs. I'm sad because no matter what I do, i still struggle to bounce back to a stable state. I push through and it makes me more tired and difficult to solve everything with my life. I'm so tired of finding ways and solutions to my problems and responsibilities and it seems like nothing's working out. I'm so tired that i just want to leave everything behind. I'm pressured to always have a loud/successful life because I felt like napagiwanan na ako ng buhay because of the years of depression. Kaya ganito nalang yung pressure ko sa sarili ko. I feel ashamed for not carrying a little portion of what is supposed to be my responsibility. Bills. Personal care. Even finances for my own supplies. I'm so tired of always in a struggle mode. Maybe nasasabi ko lang to kasi pagod ako at di ko na maalala yung feeling kung kelan ako ulit ma-encourage. But it is what it is. I felt what I felt. Now that i acknowledge all of this, i don't know what to do next. I do not know what to ask for. I do not know what kind of help I need. If i will push and rise above or take a step back from all.

To sum up, I've done my very best to be there for everybody whenever they needed someone. I understand that life happens. I really do. I guess the last thing I don't want to feel is the feeling of being left hanging.