I'll spread my wings

It was so easy. He didn't go to one of his usual spots, where people would recognise him. No. He found a seedy shop on the edge of town and bought one bottle. Just one. A bottle of cheap liquor that he had probably only ever drunk when he was high out of his mind. It would definitely be disgusting. He tossed the paper bag onto the driver's seat of his car. He could go anywhere. His best shot would be to hide away in the woods or find one of the hovels he used to blackout in where his loved ones wouldn't find him. Everything was too much. Illiris was missing. Well, not missing, but he hadn't seen her in a long time now. Things with Mini were better but without Illiris, they were in some kind of limbo and just floating through their days. His relationship with Elsa was... complicated. His parents were back from the dead, which brought up all sorts of guilt. Things with the faction were getting worse and he worried so much about his family. And yet... Quinn had hope. Even as he bought the nasty, cheap liquor, he hadn't completely lost hope. That was why he didn't go to the woods or a hovel. He ended up outside Elsa's house. It wasn't too late and he could tell no one was home. So, he sat on one side of the porch steps. The bottle covered in brown paper sat on the other, as far away as he could get from it while sitting on the same step. He just hoped that Elsa came home first.

Seeing her sibling sitting on her stairs was a surprise in itself. They hadn't spoken much, their relationship was in a bad place. She'd wanted to mend it, but Quinn wasn't ready. That unsettled tension ate away at her daily, but it was out of her control. She couldn't force them to be okay with her. Seeing the brown paper bag and the bottle peeking out the top, she frowned.

"Now who's bringing substances to the other's house?" Elsa commented softly, hesitating before moving to sit on the step with her sibling. She hesitated to touch the bottle, but set it down on the ground between their feet. "Sorry." She knew it wasn't exactly the right thing to say to Quinn, it just felt ironic given how their rift began.

"Why?" she asked. "Why the booze?" She felt like she deserved an answer, but more than that, she cared. "You're better than that, Quinn," she said. "You've come so far since the last relapse. Why this now?"

"She's so precious, isn't she?" Campbell stood on the other side of the crib from her sister and smiled down at the baby between them, "I mean, I hate to be the mom who just gushes over their baby. Hell, we both know I'm going to be that kind of mom, but she's just... perfect."

ASHLYN HADN'T PLANNED THIS. that was the first lie she told herself as she stood just outside the threshold, fingers curled loosely at her sides, gaze fixed on a space that felt far too familiar and not nearly familiar enough all at once. she had spent centuries imagining this—finding magdalena, speaking to her, understanding—and somehow, now that it was real, the words felt heavier than they ever had in her head. she had learned more in the silence than she ever had from maggie herself. fragments. p i e c e s. stories that didn’t quite fit together unless she forced them to.

and now there was gabriel—another truth unearthed, another thread tying them together in ways that should have been impossible. ash exhaled slowly, steadying herself before finally stepping forward. “ you’ve been busy. ” her voice was calm, but not cold—measured, careful, like she was testing the ground beneath her feet before committing to it. Her gaze lifted, settling on her sister fully now, searching her face like she was trying to reconcile memory with reality.

"I know," she said. "Between work, and.. and spending time with my fiancé, my days have been pretty occupied," she told her. Calling Ren her fiancé was something of an olive branch. It was an important thing in her present life, something that brought her more joy than anything.

Catching up — the mere idea of it still made her uneasy. What did it truly entail? "Fine," Maggie agreed, letting out a small sigh. "But there is more darkness in my life than light. I need to know that you won't judge. I already have a daughter who hates me, I don't need your judgement too. Okay?"

CASSIAN DIDN’T INTERRUPT HER. not once. even when every instinct in him wanted to. he just stood there and let her talk, let her try to make it make sense — because he knew that tone. that conviction. he’d used it before too. when she moved past him, he turned, slower this time, watching the way she sat like her body gave out before she’d admit it did. that alone made something twist hard in his chest.

he didn’t close the distance right away. didn’t crowd her. just leaned back against the dresser across from her, arms folding loosely like he was holding himself in place. “ caly… ” his voice came quieter now. not arguing — not yet. just steady. “ people do watch what they eat. they work out. they set goals. ” he nodded once, giving her that much. “ but they don’t look like they’re gonna pass out walking across the room. they don’t shake like that. ” his eyes f l i c k e d to her hands, then back up to her face. “ they don’t have to convince everyone they’re in control. ” a beat. “ and they don’t say ‘i can stop anytime’ like it’s something they have to prove. ”

his jaw tightened, but his tone stayed level — careful. “ you keep saying you’re not hurting… that you’re stopping yourself from hurting. ” he shook his head slightly. “ but what i’m seeing? you are hurting. you’re just calling it something else so it feels like a choice. ”

he pushed off the dresser then, finally stepping closer — slow, deliberate, giving her time to pull back if she needed to. “ and i get it. ” he added, softer now. “ wanting control. wanting to fix something before it breaks you first. ” a breath. “ i get that more than you think. ” he stopped a few feet in front of her, not reaching out yet — just there. present. “ but this? ” his voice dropped, gentler but unshakable. “ this isn’t control, caly. it just feels like it right now. ”

She wondered if he knew about the day she'd passed out at the gym. She wondered if he knew, if he knew that it was because she'd fainted. If he was figuring this out, she didn't doubt that he'd put those pieces together too.

"What did you want to fix so badly?" she asked him. "Because some things are easier to fix than others. You can't just snap your fingers and be thin and pretty, you have to work for it. You have to fight for it," she told him. Her 94 pound weight was right there on the sticky note. He knew what she'd achieved. "Nobody wants a fat princess coming to their party and that's what they were getting."

After another small pause, she kept going. "Fat people don't usually win the pageants. There's a reason I stopped when I hit 20. I knew I wasn't going to win, looking like that. I would have been setting myself up for failure. The other contestants used to tell me that I was too short, too fat. I've been wearing heels every day for ten years just so I can look taller and thinner. So it is a choice. Everything I am doing now and did then is a choice, whether you agree with those choices or not. I'm controlling them."

She didn't realize that she was teary eyed. "Why are you scared, Cassian?" she asked. "It's not like I don't eat," she told him. "I had an egg yesterday. Hard boiled. That's a 78 calorie food. Over 6 grams of protein." She looked at her brother, hating the way he looked at her with that worried, pleading gaze. "I don't know what you want from me. What is halfway?"

THE WEIGHT OF IT WAS HEAVY–- but not something she couldn't carry. no, no, not when it came to illiris. there wasn't a weight kaia wouldn't carry for her niece. she'd seen the signs before anyone said anything. started with noticing illiris wasn't around much, then she started hearing from her less. it didn't matter if kaia was the one reaching out. then recently quinn reached out. vague but concerned. kaia was ready to rush over on that alone. but then mini also reached out. and for a moment her world s h a t t e r e d. not again.

Kaia had reached out, but Illiris didn't want to answer. Her aunt was her rock for most of her life, and it was because of that, that she couldn't let her in. Kaia was smart, she'd know what was going on even without her saying it. It was easier to say nothing at all.

When Illiris found herself sitting across from Kaia, she sighed. "How'd you know I was here?" she asked her. She didn't answer the question right away, wondering what she knew. "I'm fine. I was just trying to finish this chapter of my book but then you showed up," she explained with a slight shrug.

CASSIAN’S JAW FLEXED slightly, something heavier settling behind his eyes now — not anger, not even frustration… just that deep, knowing kind of hurt. “ you’re right. ” he said quietly. “ i don’t understand it exactly the way you do. ” a small pause. his gaze didn’t waver. “ but don’t tell me i don’t understand what it looks like when someone’s not okay and they’re doing everything they can to convince everyone — including themselves — that they are. ”

he exhaled slowly, dragging a hand over the back of his neck like he was grounding himself before he said the next part. “ i’ve seen it, caly. over there… guys who swore up and down they had it handled. said they were fine. said it was just stress, just a phase, just something they could push through. ” his voice stayed level, but there was something rough at the edges now. lived-in. “ and i watched what happened when nobody called them on it. when they kept hiding it. ”

a beat. softer, but heavier. “ hell, i did the same thing when i got back. told everyone i was good. kept moving, kept working, didn’t let anyone in. ” a faint shake of his head. “ that didn’t make me strong, caly. it just made it worse. ”

he looked at her then — really looked at her — not the deflection, not the words, but her. “ this? ” he lifted the tape slightly again, gentler this time. “ this isn’t you ‘bettering yourself.’ this is you hurting and trying to control it. ” his voice dropped, softer now, but unshakably firm. “ and i’m not gonna stand here and PRETEND i don’t see it just because you’d rather call it something else. ”

"This isn't like that, it's... It's different than that, I'm.." she sighed, trying to find the words she needed. Calypso swallowed hard, her hands letting go of the sleeves to run them through her hair. They were shaking, they always did these days, and were cold like ice.

"No, I'm.. I'm not hurting, I'm keeping myself from hurting. I would be hurting if I just sat around and didn't do something about it," she said.

If Cassian wanted honesty, and wanted her to open up, that's what she'd do, but she knew that he wasn't going to like what she had to say. That much was clear from how this had been going already. "When I hit my goal weight, my goal size, I'll stop. I can stop any time I want to. I know when to stop, and now is not the time. I have more to go. I am in control of every decision I've made, I know what I'm doing."

The real truth was that her anorexia had taken over her life, but she couldn't see that. It was in control, but she believed that it was her.

"I need to sit down," she admitted, walking past him so she could sit herself on the bed, the exhaustion hitting her like it always did. "Lots of people watch what they eat, how much they eat, how they exercise. Why is it so bad that I do it too?" she asked, crossing her legs.

CASSIAN DIDN’T MOVE right away. didn’t rise to the defensiveness, didn’t snap back at the edge in her voice — even if it hit something in him. his gaze just stayed on her, steady, searching in that quiet way that had a l w a y s made it hard to lie to him. “ …caly. ” he said softly, like a warning and a plea all at once. he let a beat pass, thumb brushing absently over the edge of the measuring tape still in his hand. “ you really wanna go with that? ” his tone wasn’t harsh — it was calm. too calm. the kind that meant he wasn’t buying a single word of it.

his jaw tightened slightly as he pushed to his feet, not closing the distance yet, but not shrinking from it either. “ i wasn’t ‘looking through your stuff.’ it was on the floor, right by the door. ” a small pause. “ you never leave your things like that. ” another step closer now, slower. careful.

“ and this? ” he lifted the tape just slightly. “ this isn’t old. neither is that note. ” his eyes flicked to her hands, tucked away in her sleeves, then back to her face. “ you think i wouldn’t notice? ”

his voice softened again, but there was something heavier underneath it now — worry, threaded tight through every word. “ you don’t eat around me anymore. there’s always some excuse. you were light as hell when i hugged you the last time you stopped byt the firehouse, caly. ” a breath, steadying himself. “ and now i walk in here and find this? ”

"I left it out?" she asked. She furrowed her brow, thinking hard, but it was foggy. "I don't remember leaving it out," she admitted, more to herself than to him. Her blue eyes looked up at him, catching his gaze only for a moment. "Notice what?" she asked. "What do you think you've noticed?"

The blonde sighed. "I don't like to eat around people, sue me," Calypso countered. "Sometimes people just.. don't like being watched while they eat." The thought of anyone seeing her eating made her anxiety spike. She tightened the way her sleeves were around her hands.

"You wouldn't understand, Cassian," she said. "But I know what I'm doing, and I am fine," Calypso stated. "A little self improvement never hurts anyone. I'm just.. I'm bettering myself. Like I said, you wouldn't understand. It's no different than people who choose to bulk up at the gym. It's the same thing, and I'm handling it."

CASSIAN HADN’T MEANT TO STOP. he had stopped by to pick up something. was halfway down the hall, keys in hand, already thinking about heading out when something in caly’s doorway caught his eye. it wasn’t unusual for her door to be open — or for pieces of fabric, thread, something creative to spill out into the hall. that was just… her. but this—

    the measuring tape on the floor.     the sticky note beside it.

that made him pause. his brow furrowed as he stepped closer, slower now, like his body already knew this wasn’t something to brush past. he crouched, picking them up carefully, eyes scanning the numbers once—just once—but it was enough to make something in his chest pull tight.

“ …shit. ” he breathed, barely audible. for a second, he just stood there. staring at the note like if he looked long enough it might mean something else. s o m e t h i n g easier.

    it didn’t.

his jaw tightened, but he didn’t storm out, didn’t go looking for her right away. instead, he stepped fully into her room, setting his keys down on the nearest surface without thinking. the tape and note stayed in his hand. cassian exhaled slowly, dragging a hand over the back of his neck before he moved to sit on the edge of her bed.

and waited.

he didn’t rehearse what he was going to say. didn’t let himself spiral too far ahead. he just sat there, quiet, the weight of it settling in his chest — heavy, protective, worried. by the time she came back, he’d be ready. or at least… as ready as he could be.

She was a little light headed, something that wasn't unusual. She'd barely eaten, which was her normal, and that came with some things that weren't always pleasant. The thing was, she liked it. It meant she was doing something right.

When she got back to the house with her bags in hand, she kicked her shoes off at the door and made her way to the bedroom. Seeing Cassian sitting there, her heart sunk into the pit of her stomach.

"What are you doing in here?" she asked. No hello in response to his, just straight to the question. Then he asked her his, and she felt like she could be sick. She never let it show, however. If there was one thing she knew how to do, it was lie on the spot.

"Oh, those," she said. "Second hand measuring tape, I got it at a thrift store as a backup," she told him. "And that," she gestured to the sticky note. "I found it, it's just some measurements I took for a dress I made when I was younger. It's nothing, really."

Her bags were now on the floor, and her hands were hiding inside her sweater sleeves, holding them tightly. "Why're you looking through my stuff, anyway?"

She had no idea Calypso could see her from her seat in their childhood living room. The tunnel vision made sure of that. Cassie had stopped just shy of stepping into the room; catching her sister's eye, she dipped her head to glance down the front of her tank. Her hand lifted smoothly to her sternum, brushing away a piece of lint that wasn't there, like she could erase her misstep with it. A smile beamed across her face when she looked up and crossed the threshold. The expression stretched over her truth, wrapped in coverup and warmth. Her voice curled around it all like a sickly sweet ribbon. "Oh—Hi Cal, sweet girl! What are you up to?"

"Cassie," she said softly. "Nothing. I got bored of my book, so I'm playing a game," she said, wiggling the device in her hand. "You have to like.. shoot colour out of these cannons but you can't have too many at a time going on your conveyor belt or you lose." She paused. "What are you up to? You almost look guilty of something."

Alex was on the back deck of his home, the kids taking a nap. He let the cold breeze of winter nip as his skin as he tried his best to shake his feelings away, all of the feelings he has been pushing and shoving to get rid of. Time spent alone had not been good for him lately, his PTSD creeping in to eat away at whatever was remaining of him. His ears were tuned into the kids, the area around them, hypervigilent to any stirring. He didn't even here his mother come in or walk up to him. He felt a soft touch, and only acting on pure fear and instinct, turned going to push her away from him, his brain tricking him into thinking he was back there again, in his head, at his wedding.

He had to get out, he had to get the kids. It took him a moment to realize where he was, who was there, and another moment to be flooded with remorse. "Oh my God, Mom, I'm so sorry, I thought... I didn't... I was..." All the words died on his lips, till finally he got out, "Are you alright?" His face was flooded with apologies, with fear, a haunted look on it, that he was so eagerly attempting to bury down again.

"Me? I'm fine," she said. "But at this point I'm not who I'm concerned about," she added, looking her son up and down. "Alex, you need to talk to me. If not to me, then someone, because this? This isn't you, this is not normal," she said. "Your sister and I have been worrying about you since you woke up, and apparently we were right to be. What's happening in that head of yours? And don't tell me you're fine. I know that you're not."