ya boy

americans be like ‘thank you mr. soldier for killing civilians’

*gives someone so much space that i never speak to them again*

i have been sitting in this burger king for 4 hours

they don’t come to take your order you have to go to the counter

artists fuck better because we turn sex into art, masterpieces, mattresses become canvases where we can paint our love to someone with bodies.

its like, impossible to come up with anything funnier than the experience of seeing this post

pharoahs fuck better because they ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh put the pussy in a scarmophogoghs

*walking down main street sweeping my scythe back and forth in front of me* watch out bitch! watch out bitch! 

Uhhhh… Not sure if the original poster knows how small a violin is- let me break it down for you. It’s too small to live in. Violins are musical instruments that are to be played by people and they are small enough to carry on your shoulder, so no, you can’t live inside of one. It’s a shame I even have to explain this, people these days aren’t involved with the arts and rather listen to rap music.

Wow I can’t believe this tweet found its way to the smartest person on earth I can’t believe it I feel so blessed to have read those words of wisdom

I can have anything for dinner, whatever.

anything?

a rutabaga?

a slice of pizza?

a kumquat?

burritos?

1 of these was right but I’m not allow to say which one.