woman rising

                Bonita Cuba / in the dark ( Kurt Elling, Bonita Cuba )    

 his heart stops.    no matter how hard he tries nox just can’t understand why she doesn’t want him. he doesn’t get what he did wrong. she only ever hit him once and even then it was just a slap, so he can’t have been that bad. he thought agatha was nice – a nice woman who was soft and warm, like his mam. as she drags him out he’s kicking and screaming, trying to latch onto a doorframe or chair but his fingers always slipping. where is he supposed to go? he doesn’t know how to get back home to his daddy. he probably doesn’t want the boy anymore anyway. he lurches forward, arms wrapping around agatha’s middle and hugging tight. one last desperate attempt.   “ mama please —- “

Well if she didn’t feel evil, she certainly felt evil now. Tries not to hear, tries her hardest not to care. She’s got the door open and she’s lugging him out, careless but still careful. Not really paying attention as she drags and pulls. He’s so small. Agatha fears for a moment that she’s hurting him but she shakes it away. Gentleness only gets you so far. Force and hatefulness sometimes are the best weapons.  ❝ I can’t do this Nox. I can’t. I can’t! ❞

     An Agatha for @honeycrafts bc honestly Agatha is the sweet      queen and the mod deserves the world tbh I hope you don’t      mind the messy doodle!

                                    skin tone godiva.

                      ❛ before him, i was different. but not as different as i’d like to say. i’ve always.  .  . he isn’t responsible for the way i carry myself. he made me something different, yes, but i was PRIVATE & .  .  . what you’d call frustrating, i imagine, long before i met him. and in the beginning, he didn’t “HAVE” me. we had each other. we built each other up.  .  . it just.  .  . soured. he got selfish—— and i got selfish.  .  . and i ignored that, because it was easier. so there you go. that’s where the stick came from. i decided not to notice that we were ruining everything we had. ❜

❝ I really don’t want to fight with you. I’m not even trying to fight with you. I just, hm, wish I could see what you saw in him. ❞

   the scream scares him. genuinely, has the boy jumping out of his skin trying to back away from her. but staring up with eyes wide nox realises it’s not a threat, she’s just doing it because she can. so he returns the favour. sitting forward just a little the boy starts screeching, fists hammering down against the floor again and head shaking as his face turns red. she speaks and he screams over her, voice already beginning to hurt.   “ you wanted me! you did this! you made me come inside! you made me come inside!!!! you took me away from him!!! “   over and over again, his eyes shut and head still shaking even when agatha stops. this is  not  his fault. she’s the one that wanted him to come inside. she could of just left food out or chased him away but instead she brought him inside and she made him think he was part of something, that he was safe.

ah, no! She thought she couldn’t do it before, but she  especially can’t do it now. This is what she gets for taking WILD CREATURES off the street. This is what she gets for being loving and caring. She shakes her head, and before she can even think she’s grabbing his arm and she’s trying to haul him to the front door. Agatha knows this is beyond cruelty, beyond emotion but she also knows she wants him out. The time for patient is gone. She just acts, thinking about taking him down the stairs and tossing up out on the street. Someone else can have a big heart. Someone else can be loving and warm and open.

      his hands pause and for a moment nox can feel something bubbling under the surface. he wants to hit her. doesn’t know why, just knows his arms are tense and there’s a knot in his stomach that’s making his jaw clench.  tell me what you want.  how can she expect him to do that when all he wants to do is stay with her and every time he tells her she gives him that  look.  that pitiful, sorry look. he sits on his hands, head resting against his knee.  “ wanna go. you wanna go. “

    She stands up because she can’t do this any more. She can’t -- she already has one child and she’s enough. She already has her own broken limbs. How can she be expected to carry Nox’s pain too? Agatha laughs but it’s so unhappy and cold.There’s a bubble of anger and fear so she puts her hands over she face and she scream. A real actual scream that came from the pits of her stomach. She worries about Valentina hearing for a moment, but gets past the feeling. She looks at Nox and screams again in his direction.  ❝ you have to go! you have to get out! i can’t ... i can’t hold you and me! i’m not strong enough for the both of us!  ❞ she’s stuck on words.  ❝ you have to leave. i’m not strong enough nox. i love you but i’m not strong enough. ❞

                                  ❛ i could. or i could just have you tell me. you are very gifted at at annotating my lesser qualities. do you have any inkblots you’d like me to describe, before i begin? ❜

   a scoff that sounds meaner than she planned.  ❝ god, what were you like before frank? ❞

        his hands ball into fists that bat against the floor, head hung like the soft  thump thumps  are more interesting than listening to agatha speak. she can ramble all she wants about how  she thinks  he doesn’t love her. truth is he probably doesn’t. truth is he probably doesn’t even know how to love, as cheesy as it sounds. can’t pick up something you’ve never seen or felt. in truth it’s not her that’s cold, not really. it’s just something else he never got to learn, like the alphabet, but more basic.     “ mmm —– “

    She tries to find some patience in herself. Agatha looks away to gather her thoughts, then looks back at him. She hates to make these decisions. She hates having to look at Nox and wonder what she feels when all she felt at first was love. She fusses with the hem of her pants, looks at his fist and his hair. She tries to think of words to make him feel better.  ❝ .... love, you have to tell me what you want! what do you want me to do? what can i do to help? ❞