💿

Thin arms wrapped around the blondes upper body, face pressing playfully into his neck. “Yoo,” He whined, giving his lover a light squeeze. “Pay attention to me—look at me.” Skylar knew they Yoosung generally paid lots of attention to him, in fact he was pretty sure neither one of them did much else outside of cling to each other when Yoosung wasn’t working. But Yoosung’s work schedule had gotten to be more than Skylar was used to as his popularity grew. He should have expected it though; Yoosung was an artist in his field and though Skylar knew he would have been fine on his own, the fact that the person he married happened to be a multiplatinum recording artist didn’t hurt.

Skylar had been bored though. There wasn’t really much to do without Yoosung around. Mornings that had been spent wine tasting and lazing about naked now were spent taking their pets for walks, cleaning up as much as needed, and then getting frustrated each time his hands failed him. His accident had left him with less strength in his hands and it became increasingly difficult to press down the strings on his guitar. His fingers just got so tired and Skylar was having a hard time finding the energy to try anymore. All of that plus the added excitement that his new medications gave him left him practically vibrating with needs for attention, affection, and something to do constantly.

“Can we do something fun? Anything at all. I’m bored.” A light kiss beneath his spouses ear as he leaned over the back of the couch. “There wasn’t anything on tv and baggie doesn’t want to play with me.”

Skylar was particularly thankful for the cooler weather, it gave him an excuse to wear as many long-sleeved shirts as he liked. And though anything that might be incriminating was healed, there was still the issue of scarring. That was something he was particularly ashamed of. What didn’t fit, however, on that dreary day, were his rounded sunglasses.

The musician wasn’t, particularly into fan meets. It wasn’t that he didn’t like his fans, no he owed his entire life to them, but there was so much that had happened—so much drama—that Skylar didn’t think his anxiety would allow for him to properly interact with them. So, he hid his face.

They weren’t antisocial by any means though, well…. Not intentionally. The days and weeks spent in his home with Yoosung hadn’t really been in boycott of the outside world, it just seemed that two newlyweds had every right not to want to share each other with the world but Yoosung had work and Skylar had to figure some things out.

At the presence of motion in his peripheral vision, they jumped a bit, a blush rushing over their features.

“Oh, sorry, didn’t see you there.”

Hoseok gave a small nod. “I… understand.” He replied quietly. He knew all too well how terrifying it could be to have to go outside, how hard it could be to talk to people. Though he didn’t think he’d ever met anyone who felt that same way. Could it be that he’d finally found someone who knew what it was like? How hard it was to be outside? How exhausting it was just to socialize for a few hours? Saeran understood anxiety, but Hoseok knew his friend also just didn’t like people. But the brunet wanted to have friends, wanted to do fun things and see the world. He wanted more than just the adventures on white pages – more than just the idea of a life.

He licked his lips, picking at his sleeves. “You just… wanna make music?” He then asked. “Without– Without the… public stuff?” His hands moved to pick at his wristbands again. He was trying to understand Skylar’s point of view, though he personally couldn’t exactly imagine being famous enough to be recognized in public. Even just the thought of it made him anxious, however.

“G-Guess it’s too late to… do something like Sia. You know, the… wigs…” He attempted at a joke, a nervous smile tugging at the corners of his lips, though it quickly fell again as he continued to stare down at his hands. “I… I wish people would… understand.” He then said quietly. “Anxiety, I mean. It’s– It doesn’t mean you’re… bad or… anti-social, it’s just… hard. To be social. To… smile and… enjoy stuff.” Hoseok felt a slight blush on his cheeks, realizing he’d rambled a little. “But it… doesn’t mean you’re not. Li-Likable, I mean.”

The brunet chewed on his bottom lip, only startled from his silence as a waitress came over to their booth to get their orders. Hoseok stiffened a little and swallowed hard. “Ah, I– Just… a glass of water?” He hesitantly breathed out, hoping that wouldn’t be too expensive.

A smile found itself pulling at Skylar’s lips as it seemed the other understood. “Yeah, I guess it’s a little late for that all of that but… I just, like making music. The other stuff that comes with it stresses me out, though. If I could go back and do it over… I think I would do it on my terms.”

Skylar hadn’t really ever been able to explain the nerves that made it so hard for him to go out, all they really knew was that they didn’t like it. It didn’t feel secure or safe. It also didn’t feel safe. There were other people who Skylar didn’t know in the world, and though he’d managed to meet a ton of good ones, there were also the ones who he found himself glancing over his shoulder for. People like his dad who scared him to no end.

“Can I just get a caramel latte? I hope that’s okay.” Skylar said to their server, one hand reaching up to ruffle their particularly long and messy locks. Once their orders had been placed the musician turned their attention to their companion, fingers twisting around their wedding ring slowly. “Ah, I can pay—I mean, it really isn’t an issue,” Skylar said quickly. They realized that it seemed they were always offering to buy the other things when they came upon each other, but Skylar tended to have much more money than there ever knew what to do with. It only made sense to help those around him. They also vividly remembered the first time the two of them had spoken, the dark-haired boy had been short on funds for the books they had wanted.

2018 had been a crazy year so far; Yoosung knew he couldn’t handle any more big changes until at least January. Over the span of just nine months, he’d moved back in with Skylar, started dating the musician and now they were married. And it felt like it had happened over the course of merely weeks. Like it was only yesterday that they’d awkwardly celebrated Valentine’s Day together as BEST FRIENDS. He remembered that day – not because he’d freaked out over the mess in their house, but because Skylar had opened up to him about his mental health for what had definitely been the first time since they’d met. Of course, he hadn’t been entirely oblivious to the depression, the excessive drinking or the sleeping around. He’d known Skylar wasn’t okay, but hearing his best friend admit just exactly how bad it was? He couldn’t forget that.

Nor could he forget their awkward accidental first kiss, or the night Skylar had confessed his feelings for him. It might have all felt like a big blur of events, but he could remember those moments, crystal clear. There had been ups and downs (many, many downs), but at the end of the road, he couldn’t have imagined to be where they were now. Maybe he’d had feelings for his friend long before he’d even been aware of them. Maybe it had taken Skylar kissing him to realize this, maybe he’d just suppressed them like he did with most emotions.

Yoosung’s dramatic exterior was a defense mechanism. His frigidness, his reluctance to share anything with people he deemed too personal. Conversations about feelings made him uncomfortable, but only because he worried that something inside of him might break and make him spill all the darkness that he kept inside of him.

For so long his parents had tried to ignore and reject who he was. Maybe he was still insecure because of it. He knew he could be a lot when he was uncomfortable or stressed, but he tried his hardest to take pride in who he was as a person. And perhaps he was more himself when he was at home with Skylar, where he didn’t have to feel like the world might be judging him.

Starting up therapy was tough. It was even harder than he’d imagined it to be. Opening up to people wasn’t something he did – he could barely explain his feelings to Skylar, let alone a stranger who was writing everything down and most likely trying to diagnose him with something. He dreaded to see the labels printed onto a piece of paper. He didn’t want to know how much they’d conclude was wrong with him. He wasn’t stupid, he knew about the PTSD, which was honestly the only reason he’d even admitted he needed help. But why couldn’t it be easier to get it fixed? To stop the nightmares, the paranoia, the crippling GUILT.

The blond looked up from the magazine he’d been reading when he heard the knocking on the door. He hadn’t exactly been about to go to bed, but definitely lost track of time. “We should have some reminder for those groceries, hmm?” He replied with a tilt of his head as he removed his glasses and sat up a little straighter. “I’ll have to quickly get changed into something less… casual,” He looked over his sweatpants and t-shirt. “But we can go out to dinner if you feel up for it, jagiya.” Yoosung pushed himself up from the bed and moved to rummage through his wardrobe. “How fancy are we talking? Because if it’s practically take out, I don’t want to be that bitch who shows up overdressed.” He quickly shot a glance towards his spouse. “I’m not asking for fancy. We can go wherever. Nothing expensive, it’s just dinner, okay?”

It was strange to have someone waiting up in bed for him.

Skylar hadn’t quite gotten used to the idea of having someone. Though he and Yoosung had known each other and been together for some time, it was hard to wrap his head around the fact that he had someone. Someone who he shared a bed with and would share that bed with for the rest of his life. He was married. He was getting help. He wasn’t like his father.

That was the biggest weight off his shoulders, after all. Skylar had spent his entire life terrified to become a drunken monster like his father. But after… that night, and all of the efforts that Yoosung put into keeping their home a place that was safe for Skylar in his journey to get sober, he didn’t have to worry about that anymore. Of course, his body still shook hard with need. There were days were he heavily believed that it would all be easier if he just went to a bar. Found one of his dealers. He knew that it was just the addiction talking. Skylar didn’t need these things. He was learning that the hard way. His body ached for it though and the days that followed during his detox had been a nightmare for both Skylar and Yoosung. The fights. The tears. The sickness. But they were stronger now. They had gotten through it and they were better.

A small smile pulled at Skylar’s lips as his spouse pushed themselves up from their bed. “No, nothing expensive.” He agreed as he moved to sit down, legs pulling up onto their mattress. “I set a reminder on the Alexa the other day, and she reminded me earlier, I just forgot... to do what the robot in our kitchen said…” he ruffled his newly dyed locks, watching the other in awe. God, he was in love with this person. How had he gotten so lucky?

“Maybe we just go to like, Ihop or something. What are you in the mood for—you know I’m always gonna suggest something that’s inedible to normal people, so how about you pick?” Skylar suggested, resting his chin on his knees, eyes half-lidded in content as he was no longer stressing over putting out at least one song.

He’d put himself on hiatus the moment he’d been healed enough to make a statement about everything that's been going on. The marriage. The incident. The parting ways with his label. To anyone outside, it would look like a huge mess, but Skylar was growing. He was finding himself. As a child star he had never had a chance to find who he was, and now at nearly thirty he was tasked with that expedition and needed to accept each part of himself that he found. With that said, Skylar didn’t have time to work on music for days at a time, running solely off of vodka and good faith. Skylar needed to grow up for himself.

But he wanted to at least try to put something together.

He was so used to pushing himself constantly. It was hard to let himself be still.  

Hoseok warily watched the musician, slight worry visible on his features. Was he okay? The boy wanted to ask but somehow struggled to formulate the question, worried he might sound like he was judging when he was genuinely concerned. He then wanted to ask if they maybe wanted to sit down, if he had to go and buy some water maybe. But he remained quiet, just nervously licking his lips and waiting for Skylar to catch his breath.

At the question he gave a nod, confirming that that was his name – then hesitating to respond to the next question. His body tensed up slightly, eyes nervously looking around. There was something about the suggestion of going somewhere more private (though Skylar hadn’t put it like that, thankfully) that made him a little nauseous. “I–” He started off, his fingers nervously scratching at his arm. “O-Okay…”

Though he wanted to decline the offer of food, he didn’t, purely because food meant they at least had to remain in a fairly public place. Maybe the privacy of a booth in some coffee shop would be good enough for the other. His eyes were already looking for a place, though he realized he had to move before they’d find anything. He cast one last glance at the toy store, then pushed himself – one foot in front of the other, slow and steady. “… S-Skylar, right?”

Skylar knew he shouldn’t be this damn winded. He just was nowhere near as healthy as his lean body seemed to suggest—he was painfully out of shape. His body was ruined from years of being mistreated and he really wouldn’t blame it if it just gave up on him. A large had rubbed at his chest, which still felt like it might burst and took a small step in the direction that the boy did, almost mirroring his actions.

“Sorry, really. But we can go a-anywhere, that you’re okay with. Just need a minute.” His sentences were a bit broken and scattered as he glanced around for the teenagers in question. What would he do if they managed to catch up with him? He was terrified. Since coming out fully and admitting to his relationship with his roommate (now spouse) it was becoming increasingly difficult to scroll through his twitter mentions without seeing something that triggered the negative thoughts in his head. He didn’t think he could handle that in a real-world setting where he was nearly obligated to answer clearly. Either that or run. Today he chose running.

“I… Make music.” He said after a moment, wondering if Hoseok found him a bit off-putting in this instance. He knew that his anxiety just wouldn’t allow for random strangers to run into him and beg for help. He was likely to leave them on their own. “And I went to Hot Topic. There were teenagers there and well… they did what teenagers do.” A shrug, attempting to play off the entire situation as something that he could deal with normally. He wanted to ignore the fact that he’d just been sent running by the aforementioned teens. He wanted to pretend that no one had seen him nearly die from the exertion.

Skylar: So

Skylar: I’m married now. That’s like a thing? I’m sure you’ve seena  lot about it. Sorry you werent like invited to the wedding or anything. there really wasn’t one just like a court house sort of thing 

He hadn’t even tried writing music since he’d gotten back from the hospital—his hands were often too weak to even press down the strings on his guitar, his body constantly exhausted, his body always just a bit too anxious to properly put the time and effort needed to put something together.

But how else was he supposed to deal with the changes? Skylar was always one to push back hard at any kind of change that came his way—Lord knew what having Yoosung in his life had been like when they first met.

Skylar had been very much to himself, putting on the face of a confident party boy type each night and drinking until he couldn’t stand. Yoosung had made him realize that he was none of those things the moment that he’d come into Skylar’s little world. He forced the musician to cope. To deal. It wasn’t a secret that through the years they had known each other that Yoosung had been a positive impact on his life and it wasn’t really all that surprising to Skylar that they had married each other when he put it in that sort of perspective. But… what had Skylar done?

The thoughts ate away at him as he twisted the ring around his finger, eyes scanning over the screen where sounds bites sat, waiting to be arranged.

There wasn’t much that Skylar offered, he knew. How had he managed to pull Yoosung down to his level—how had he managed to finally get the one thing he wanted?

Love. All Skylar had really wanted was love.

Yoosung showed him that excessively and Skylar couldn’t help but let a small smile pull at his lips. He needed to dwell on that more than he did the angry, hateful thoughts that berated his pink dyed head. He was good enough. It was just hard to believe that sometimes.

Long legs pulled him up from his seat and carried him into the hallway, palms rubbing at his eyes. “Yoo?” He called, uncertain of what time it was exactly. What if his spouse had gone to bed? Where had he left his phone? Why didn’t he have a watch?

He knocked carefully on their bedroom door before peaking in. It still didn’t feel real that they shared a room. A bed.

“Hey, do you want to go get something to eat with me?” He asked the hand that wasn’t occupied by the doorframe reaching up to ruffle his hair. “Cooking doesn’t exactly sound ideal at the moment and I’m pretty sure that I forgot groceries again.” @yoosungryu

Eun-Jae was quiet as he walked, teeth sinking into his plump bottom lip whilst he listened. He still felt upset – the idea of Skylar hurting himself or maybe even dying was a lot to process. “I’m not disappointed.” He eventually said quietly. It was terrifying how much he could relate to not feeling anything, though he was constantly torn between wanting to feel that numbness or wanting to feel something. “You don’t have to apologize.” He then added. “I’m sorry you felt that way.” The boy hesitated, gaze locked onto his coffee cup. “Not feeling anything is… scary. Not really when it happens, because nothing matters, but after. When… when the feelings come back.” 

He’d never talked about this kind of stuff with anyone – his mental health issues were something he safely kept locked away, even from his closest friends. He’d accidentally let some things slip to Wen, but he knew he hadn’t made much sense then. This was different. He was sharing personal things with someone he’d looked up to for years. Not Romeo, who was the most important person in his life, but Skylar Norwood; an actual celebrity. Was that stupid? Was it weird to feel like he could trust Skylar? Hadn’t the musician called him his friend?

Jay wanted nothing more than to be happy. With his life, his body. But he felt so stuck, so alone. Like he had no control. It was one of the reasons he’d become so obsessed with food, with restricting himself, with counting calories and losing weight. He desperately wanted to have something he could control. And slowly he’d also become addicted to the numbness that came after the feeling of hunger; to the dizziness that complimented him on his efforts. Where the results of his starvation had been scary at first, they now felt like rewards, like proof that he’d done well. Maybe the happiness that came with that was the scary part.

He tried not to flinch against the hand on his shoulder and felt a blush creep up his cheeks. Skylar Norwood was touching him. Was this real life? He blinked slowly, forcing himself to focus back on the other’s words. “Oh…” He said softly. He couldn’t help but initially frown a bit as he tried to picture Skylar in a dress and heels, but the longer he let his mind go over it, the more he started to understand that the other was serious about this.

“I’m gay.”

The words left his lips before he could stop himself and his eyes widened slightly as he realized he’d said them out loud, the nearly empty cup slipping from his grip and tumbling onto the sidewalk. Jay stopped in his tracks, bottom lip quivering as he looked down at the mess, suddenly feeling incredibly small. “I-I’m gay…” He repeated quietly, voice breaking as he reached up a hand to rub at his eyes.

A wave of protectiveness washed over the singer as the small, pink haired boy crumbled beneath his large hands at the admission and couldn’t help but pull him carefully against his chest. His hands rubbed gently against their back. “It’s alright.” He mumbled.

Coming out was hard. Skylar knew it. He was still doing that now, even at nearly thirty. Jay was much younger than him and was making one of the first steps to doing that for himself and though the musician saw the pain that it caused his friend, he couldn’t help but feel like a proud parent watching their child push their bicycle off without the training wheels for the first time. And he expected Jay to fall over and scrape his knees as he learned how to navigate this sort of thing, but he knew that he was going to try to be there to help. Skylar was still growing, he was still learning how to understand adult relationships with other people because he’d spent so many years hidden behind a wall of intoxication that did all of the socializing for him. He didn’t know what he was doing. But everywhere around him, a family began to grow. He had Yoosung, he had his pets, he had his friends who he would do anything for. And though that didn’t seem like much in comparison to other people of his status, it was enough for him.

“I’m proud of you,” Skylar said as he finally pulled away, ruffling Jay’s hair. “Come on, let's get you to my place and I’ll make you some tea, yeah? S’nothing to cry about, love.”  

Hoseok felt like he had been caught doing something illegal, even though he’d only awkwardly been wandering around the same store for the past five minutes, eyeing the items behind the glass. He hadn’t actually dared to step inside yet, knowing very well he probably couldn’t afford anything and even if he did, it was too embarrassing. The brunet nearly jumped out of his skin when the tall person came running around the corner, eyes wide and panicked for a moment, until he managed to relax just slightly once he recognized the other. “Ah, um… it’s–” He choked out, before swallowing hard and throwing another shifty glance in the direction of the toy store. “I… I don’t m-mind.” He eventually managed, offering a nervous smile whilst he pushed his hands into the pouch of his hoodie.

A familiar face was good. A familiar face was nice. It caused the racing in his chest to calm just a bit.

“Thank god.” He managed through labored breaths.

Skylar always seemed to manage to run into the other lanky figure each time he was out—not that he was complaining. New York was large, but apparently not so large that people didn’t frequently run into each other.

It took the musician a moment to really collect himself. It was just a bit embarrassing that his body couldn’t even seem to hold up against even the slightest bit of physical activity but they also rarely left their apartment so what did they really expect? They also rarely had days where their body wasn’t overrun with exhaustion and shakes due to the withdraws. Once he did finally manage to gather himself up he took a deep breath. “Hoseok, right? Can we like, find somewhere that’s a bit more… not out in the open? I’ll explain in just a second alright? I swear it’s nothing weird. I’ll even buy you food for your time.”