your stumbleine

today was 3:33.  333 is an invitation from the universe to move forward

look here i am at a familiar path, the clear, lighter path that has larger obstacles i flee from. chip at the mines for days. break though. breakthrough. get tired. nap. nap forever. anger becomes the new playing field. the comfort, the pillow i toss and turn on all night, pajamas tangled around my shrinking waist. or at least id like to say that. how about my scarred golden stomach, playing cat power on her laptop in the background, hallucinating and trying to sort out problems in wisps of dreams. it was so hard to run in those dreams, legs heavy, numb, breaking slowly. like a zombie. I feel like bill murry in zombieland. wait no it’s really a joke i’m not a zombie even though it’s pretty imaginable given this wreckage - AHAH - boom. headshot. zzzzzzzzzz

it feels like we’ve just forgotten what it feels to be happy. what is happiness? it’s fleeting. it was a long time ago that you could let yourself be truly vulnerable. to let yourself allow yourself to believe that someone loves you. that they aren’t working a case against you. or that you aren’t able to mend things once they’ve been shattered- like his image of me. as soon as i lost it i lost my confidence in myself as a person. but even before then i’ve harbored an important part of myself, have been too afraid to release what i know is there. in lies letting go lies intimacy and your guards being down. they will see the really real you. the untethered. the fragile. the unforgiving. the persistent. the lush. the obsessive. the dominating and submissive, the passionate, the fiercely cold, the ability to harness moth and not be wrong or right, to be you. you aren’t bad. you will be okay with confidence once again. you’ll me okay with believing that someone truly loves you - it isn’t temporary, or spiteful, or jealous, or suffocating, or paranoid, or manipulative. it’s here. be happy. everything is temporary in the grand picture. isn’t it that we’re all just specks of star? or dust? maybe we emerge into the universe and get born again. maybe we just finally rest. maybe there is a higher power that marveled at all the different ways people tried to climb to them. i stand here with my hands bleeding, i dont know what else to do. every time i look at myself it’s analytical. every time im trying to give myself to him i notice a roll. wait scratch that, i notie a roll at all times. i am acutely aware of my flesh and very ignorant of my soul, of my desires, of my present. i dont FEEL. i breakthrough the barrier at times, namely when i’m too high, and i’m not proud of that. hell, at this point, it could even be causing it couldn't it? there always has to be SOMETHING because once i put my finger on it, it’ll all go away. i’ll figure it out, i have faith in myself. Bulllshit, brain. this is bad. you’er going to have to take more actions. it feels silly. and just breathe. write. try. allow yourself to be present and be you, because you aren’t so bad. really. how many people does it take to try and lift you up before you believe it? do you really think anyone is better than you --- or worse. your tired brain breathes fire, but feel it. let the burn singe through to a deeper layer. is that freeing? shedding skin? shedding assumptions and the past. be love it’s all there is at the end of the day. it’s all you can aim for that actually fixes this tangleweb of life. i just never allow myself to make mistakes. i let my mistakes define me after awhile. i let them sta with me, too. more internal torture the better. all that pain is some sort of fire that keeps me alive, keeps me warm inside amidst the whirlwind of fear. remember those few years when you realized you were fine, but this world was shit. take the good, forget the bad, but still love the bad at the end of the day. be better than that other person. i stopped trying. so  much past that doesnt matter anymore. how am i? HA. I meant who. So how am I works, too, here.. I am negligent, I am emotional, i am cynical, i am thoughtless while at other times very creative and deep into thought, moved by love