Homicidal Ideation Awareness Blog

Admin: Cole | 20 | he/him

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Perhaps! It's an interesting theory that I haven't heard before. I confess I don't know a ton about OCD, but I could see the similarities to autism.

I do fully agree with the trauma thing though. Trauma can cause a lot of feelings that can result in violent ideation. And yeah I definitely feel many neurodivergent folks have trauma tied to being treated differently/poorly for being neurodivergent. I think most of the neurodivergent folks I've ever met have had trauma that influences how they act and perceive the world.

It sounds to me like the environment you grew up in may have been physically safe and provided basic material necessities, but failed to provide the proper emotional necessities. Mine was similar in some ways. My parents, while always there to provide food, shelter, and all my other material needs, were always oscillating between overbearing helicopter parents who demanded I do all the correct things, and neglectful (if not absent) and uncaring towards me and my problems. And I have plenty of issues to show for it.

* Saying all this because you expressed confusion over why you have your thoughts/fantasies, and to me your past makes complete sense as a source. You don't need to be physically abused or severely physically neglected to have trauma and be really fucked up from it. I think there are a lot of people who experience HI and who were rarely (if ever) physically abused.

Your experience with violent ideation makes sense to me. If you were never able to have your needs met via getting people off your back, then it makes sense your brain would end up jumping to extremes to solve it quickly and effectively and bring your sense of control and safety back, if only in fantasy.

I couldn't tell you how usual that sort of 'source' of homicidality is. But I can tell you my therapist has asked me if my own homicidality is based in a similar need for control. I think mine is rooted in a lot of things, need for control being only one of them. It would honestly make sense to me for that facet to be present in most (maybe even all) cases of homicidal ideation. But again, I can't speak for everyone.

As for autism being an influence, I have wondered that a lot myself. I was medically recognized as autistic (and ADHD) when I was about 13-ish. That's been the label I've lived with since then, and while my therapist has recently suggested I may also have ASPD, she's stated she sees and has seen the autism diagnosis more strongly than the antisocial. I have looked for other autistic folks who experience HI. I have dug. And I've turned up with nothing. It made me feel for a while like I was kinda going insane, or that I'm just uniquely fucked up compared to everyone else. Hell, I've even been told by multiple therapists and counselors that I am a very unique case and am very different from anyone they've worked with before. Which has always felt a mix of validating and frustrating. I do know I found a level of relatability in antisocials that I've never experienced before, and some of it was the homicidal ideation (though a lot of the rest was distinctly antisocial symptoms and such).

I guess in short, I don't know.

If homicidal ideation is a thing experienced by autistic folks, then they sure as hell don't talk about it. In my subjective opinion, I think autism can be a factor in it. I think trauma can be an even stronger factor (and in PTSD type spaces, people will actually occasionally talk about violent/homicidal ideation), and it sounds like you have plenty of trauma to fit into that category.

I couldn't tell you if autism by itself could influence homicidal ideation, or if the autism has to have some sort of comorbity with something else that causes it.

I’m usually a 4-5 (on the HI scale you made!) on most days but occasionally I get such intense anger and rage especially around things that trigger me that I go up to anywhere from 6 to 8. I’m so scared to talk about it to a professional because I’m scared that I’ll end up in a mental hospital and later down the road possibly denied from work if it goes on my record or something. I’m not a danger and never have been as much as I may behave violently (only to inanimate objects like my own pillows or artwork of mine)

I get scared too that people will think I’m a bad person, I’ve already gotten accused many times when I said I have little empathy for things that I’m a horrible person. My worst fear is to have said to me “there were no signs.” So seeing a blog like this makes me feel less like I’m some future serial killer and more human again and that I’m not going to hurt people.

Anyways thanks for this I needed this blog today 🩷

Ofc!! I'm really glad my blog is helpful for you!

Yeah. Homicidal ideation is rough, and it's definitely hard to find someone accepting of it/willing to try and treat it. I've noticed that HI is definitely a symptom present in some folks with PTSD, and while some small subgroups will discuss it, it's never something that's addressed or acknowledged by existing 'official' info sources. Anger and violence in general is not something people like to talk about with mental illness.

I'm sorry you've experienced that kind of stigma. Yeah you are absolutely not a bad person for your homicidal ideation or for your low empathy. You sound like you're putting a lot of effort into the opposite actually, and I commend you for that!

I'm really glad my blog has helped you feel more human!! Honestly that's been my main goal with it, is just making people feel seen and reassuring them that they are not evil or defined by their ideation or destined to commit murder or anything. It's something I struggle with in regards to myself, so I'm really happy to know I'm doing good for others ^^

Brutality and also whether the person feels guilt or regret about it can also factor into if it's abnormal or not. I still don't feel any remorse or regret. I'll say even If they didn't know insects could feel pain but did it anyway because they were "curious" and wanted to dissect them, I'll say that still counts as abnormal to an extent.

It's genuinely important though that we are aware of this type of animal abuse. I got hospitalized one time from my antisocial symptoms and the psychiatrist evaluating me there asked me if I ever harmed animals. I told them I harmed insects and they completely brushed it off. Granted, I told them no details (because they interrupted me and immediately decided anything with insects wasn't worth investigating) and as I answered more of their questions, they gradually started to feel disgusted or uncomfortable by my other antisocial symptoms so. Shit psych overall. But I know less shittier professionals can fall for this too.

This type of shit definitely lets many fall through the cracks.

(Also I would add, I probably would've harmed bigger animals before too if there were actual bigger animals around me to begin with? My house had a lot of insects, so ofc I went to them as my first option.)

I'll like to also toss in watching gore from a young age can be a warning sign for something. Yeah it's "normal" due to the internet being free grabs for a lot of kids, but in my case, I was obsessed with it and again enjoyed the pain the person would be in. Now for me it was "fictional gore" so like MLP gore but I didn't quite understand the difference between fiction and reality at that age. And I still had no remorse.

Overall, I'll say cruelty can manifest in a lot of other ways besides the typical presentation! And it's important to show all of them. (Also hey just found your blog and I'm so happy that homicidal shit is finally getting understood and educated!)

Yeah!! I agree with all of that. There is quite a bit of nuance that goes into the whole issue with bug cruelty, but also some very clear differences. I feel like a lot of those kinds of things involve a distinct sort of nuance that a shocking number of mental health professionals seem incapable of picking up on. The insect cruelty is definitely a big one. I feel like crime commitment is another (with like ASPD being most diagnosed in low-income communities. When poor people often commit more crime due to a whole load of systematic and environmental factors).

Gore videos I think are an interesting topic, that I would like to discuss some in the future. Because yeah, I have noticed a lot of people with homicidal ideation watched a lot of gore videos when they were younger (and often still watch gore). I definitely did/do myself. And I think the amount of consumption and the attitude towards consumption of gore vids is important from a psychiatric perspective too. There's a very distinct feeling of "I found it fascinating/satisfying/etc" that isn't really as present in maybe someone who grew up with unrestricted internet access but who isn't homicidal (which from what I've seen tends to be more "I didn't expect to see gore" or sometimes "I wanted to prove I could handle extreme things to look cool").

Overall, yeah!! There are soooo many ways those sorts of 'warning signs' can present, and a lot of them are glossed over because they aren't as shocking, overt, or stereotypical.

Homicidal Ideation Awareness Flag

What do we think about having a symbol to represent homicidal ideation awareness? I thought about making an awareness flag as well (similar to existing awareness flags for various disorders and such), though that can come later.

I thought for a bit on the symbol. Talked to someone else about it. And we came up with the backslash (\).

\

The backslash is primarily a computer programming symbol, used in various coding languages to denote some form of subverted expectations. It's often used either to describe the following code as special when it would typically be normal (or vice versa), or to ignore/'escape' a newline immediately following it.

In regards to homicidal awareness, I think we can take analogies from that. We subvert expectations and stigma by existing as we are and by and large not falling into society's expectation of crime commitment. And awareness and reduction of stigma and the development of better treatment/coping methods will aid in 'escaping' what many of us feel (and what society tends to think) is our destiny, being acting on the ideation. In effect, we can diverge from those expectations and create our own futures.

Additionally, the name and visual implications of the symbol can be representative of a sense of reclamation and pride in ourselves. It's a slash. Other lesser known colloquial terms for it include hack, whack, bash, among others. It evokes imagery and implications of violence, and speaks to the violent ideation we experience. And yet, it is still a reversal; a subversion. We can take pride in ourselves while still aiming for recovery and healing, as much as possible.

I think it's a nice complement to suicidal ideation's semi-colon. Both issues tend to be perceived as two sides of the same coin by mental health professionals. I think it's fitting to have a symbol with similar origins.

So I've seen a few times people say that thoughts about hurting animals like cats or dogs are something mental health professionals will see as signs of something, but what about insects or spiders?

I don't necessarily get thoughts of hurting them, it just kinda... happens. And I don't mean just smacking or squishing them instead of taking them outside, I mean like cutting them in half with the edge of a can, grinding them into whatever hard surface they were on, pulling them apart, stuff like THAT.

I like doing it since it's more "socially acceptable" to hurt bugs rather than bigger animals, but I don't know if I told my therapist or anyone if they would take it seriously since they're "just bugs".

I've actually thought some about that myself.

Going by the strictest, most objective definitions possible, yes that is 100% animal cruelty, which can absolutely be a signifier for certain mental health issues.

But you're right. Invertebrates are not seen as 'equal' to vertebrates (and especially to mammals). There is a lot of casual cruelty and ideas of cruelty thrown around at invertebrates (just look at the justifications for boiling lobsters alive, or glue traps for spiders/roaches). And a toooon of people have childhood memories of sitting and burning ants with a magnifying glass, or pouring salt on slugs to watch them writhe. And even more people will so easily kill a bug that's gotten into their house without a second thought, because "it's a bug". Many people will even find justifications to torture certain bugs (like ticks, mosquitoes, or hammerhead worms) because they feel they deserve it for some reason (usually because they're either parasitic or invasive).

I think in many ways it can be really, really hard to differentiate between 'typical' cruelty and 'abnormal' cruelty when it comes to bugs. But I have also seen people, when discussing examples of childhood animal cruelty, talk about killing bugs by the thousands, of meticulously ripping them apart alive, of doing it not because the bugs were an annoyance or they formed justifications in their mind, but because they did believe they could feel pain, and wanted the entertainment or the satisfaction of enacting suffering and death on another being.

And that, to me, is an extremely obvious example of the 'abnormal' side of bug cruelty. What you describe probably also leans into that territory. It's slow and meticulous and focused on the act of killing itself, rather than that of getting rid of a pest or what have you.

I honestly couldn't tell you for sure how a therapist would respond. I'm sure many would write it off as "just bugs". But I also think how you kill bugs and the thought process you have behind why is significant, and will make many other therapists stop and consider that. I said it in an answer to another ask on animal cruelty, but I do not think it will come with a risk of hospitalization. I think if a therapist takes it in and sees it for what it is, they'll treat it as a signifier of violent ideation and/or perhaps certain mental health conditions. But killing bugs isn't a sign of a crisis to really anybody.

Hello!

I think indirectly wishing ill on someone is marginally less stigmatized than wanting to kill them yourself. It's certainly something you can say to a mental health professional without much fear of them immediately trying to hospitalize you.

That being said, I do think it lies along the same spectrum. It's perhaps less 'extreme', and certainly much more passive than the typical "I want to kill this person myself." It's a step below my own passive homicidality (which is usually some form of hoping someone gives me a 'valid' reason to kill them). But it is a similar wanting someone to be hurt or killed, and could perhaps do with a bit of acknowledgement in spaces for homicidal ideation.

I certainly won't exclude folks who experience that specifically. If my content helps you, then I will not be one to dissuade that!

Maybe I’m looking at it wrong, but I feel like they’re two very different things. Curious about your opinion on this.

That is true!

I include mentions of them because some people with severe intrusive thoughts think they truly are what their thoughts suggest, and so they end up looking for resources to help with what they perceive to be an issue (when really it's not, and it just stems from the intrusives). Nearly every post about homicidal thoughts on various mental health forums are obviously intrusive, and not really 'true' homicidal ideation. But these people are worried all the same that they may act on them. And so, a bit of room to discuss intrusives is important, to make people aware of what it looks like when something is intrusive vs ideation, and then give them coping mechanisms to deal with that.

In my mind, it may not be ideation, but it's still thoughts relating to committing homicide, which are stigmatized no matter how you slice it.