the H.O.W.

I sent my mother a text. I'm fairly certain my number is blocked. Did it anyways. There isn't any fixing what happened. There isn't any fixing any of it. I am fairly certain I am not fixable. I just need to function differently. Heal in a funny way or something. I don't think I get my family back and that bothers me. This lady in the hospital reminds me of my mother. A lot of it bothers me. I am tired all the time. Graveyard shift does that. I wonder where ill go when this year is up.

It's highly annoying when christians inform me that I don't have to relive past trauma connected to christianity. No shit. If you weren't actively trying to force your religion on me, I wouldn't actively be reliving my past traumas connected to exactly this thing.

Me, in the "Get My Shit Together" era.

The problem is that if I go along with taking all the help to forge the best life possible it makes evidentiary support for privacy violations and 24 hour surveillance of marginalized comminutirs and people under the guise of help. Saying that the assistance outweighs autonomy, and provides no balances for extraneous informations and social dynamics affected either purposefully or indirectly.

For whoever is seeing this whole process. It is all anonymous right now. I understand that it isn't because you are watching and chatting. But calm down. You have more than everything you could have wanted and you won't have to pay for anything. Allow me to wretch in peace. Im getting there.

Why the hell would I give you my bank information?

So i was gang stalked by plenty of people from the internet and the community i lived in and the gay men of pittsburgh and ohio and law enforcement. Now I live in a cult town and only open up apps to block people. Thank you to you pieces of shit that pretended you were helping.

I am ridiculously broken and fuck everyone that thought that I fucking deserved it. Fucj who ever is watching. Fucj every christian, all of them. And fuck all the shifty fucjing guys that decided I was the one. Eat shit all of you. Fam included.

I feel so very alone and desd inside.

It is weird to say that in my use snd abuse my kinks got weirder and more reliant upon trust, which ironically, I dont really have anymore.

Somehow my feed is all goodboy pup fan porn. I cant explore my kinks anymore. I'm watched by everyone now.

Being a substance abuser, and being the victim of harassment are not mutually exclusive. In fact people are capable of doing mental gymnastics to justify their abuse of someone, because they are in use. It doesn't make it ok. This is not an endorsement of substance abuse. This is something that requires clarity.

Christians have utterly destroyed Christianity.