Ineffable

To be haunted by someone who is still alive. My thoughts drift back, really far back. I was 16 and we had just started our long distance relationship. He was everything I thought I ever would want or need. He would ask for pictures of me and when I sent them, he would gush over how beautiful I was. He would tell me how much he loved me. He would send me gifts. He would send me a good morning text every day. We would fall asleep on the phone together every night. He would tell me all his plans for us. Oh I felt so much love for this boy. He loved and protected me as the years went by. It wasn't until we were married when I realized that he had hidden who he really was. He changes so quickly that it shocks me. No soft words or touches. The yelling, oh god the yelling goes on for hours and hours. It makes me feel helpless and trapped. The physical abuse is on a much smaller scale. He would grab my wrist a little too tight, push me down, or slap me. Sometimes I just want him to hit me. I feel like it would hurt less then the words... How can it all be the same person?

I just say anything I want around you. I don't have to think twice. It's pretty much the most liberating thing I've ever felt. To not be judged for saying how I feel or think...it's something I've never experienced before. Thank you.

To the men in my life...

How to read me. We're in your little commuter Focus. I'm straddling you and and we're making out. You've got one hand wrapped in my hair and the other is softly on my cheek. I can feel your callouses, rough against my cheek. Your movements are sure and deliberate. You pull your mouth from mine and rest your forehead against mine. You open your blue smiling eyes and look in mine. Your hands are sliding along my body, up my side, lightly over my breast, back down over my ass, wandering and exploring. "You're so beautiful," you whisper, your hands feeling but your eyes looking straight at me. I just smile and hide my face in your shoulder breathing in deep, loving the way you smell. Clean and dirty all at the same time. "God, what has he done to you? I'm going to keep saying it until you believe it," and it's with real concern and determination in your eyes. When I get home that evening, I look really hard at myself. I'm not unattractive. I just don't see myself as beautiful. I'm five feet and three inches. I have copper colored hair with natural streaks of blond that falls in wavy curls down to the middle of my back. My eyes are what I've always thought were my best feature. Large and a deep blue like the ocean, with a slight slant and long eyelashes. I have a larger nose and full lips. I prefer to wear very minimal makeup. Mostly straight upper teeth and crooked bottom ones but they're white, even though I had a smoking habit and drink copious amounts of coffee. My skin is an olive shade although I'm tanned this summer because I run every day after work. My figure is curvy with very large breasts and wider hips and a round bottom. I am considered slender but I am not "skinny". As I look at myself in the mirror it all comes to mind: "Why don't you DO something with your hair?" "When are you going to put on make up?" "Is that what you're wearing?" "What's this?", he asks while grabbing on to some fat on my stomach. "Go sit your fat ass down!" "I'm not attracted to you anymore." "You got your hair cut too short." "I don't like the bangs." "Your dress doesn't fit you." "What is your goal for losing weight?" "You have a pimple." I think back to the last time I propositioned him for sex...I came out of the bathroom wearing nothing but black high heels. I tried to straddle him while he was playing video games. He just pushed me away and said he wasn't in the mood. I got dressed and left to run an errand about 15 minutes later. I forgot something and came back in to grab it. He was watching porn and jerking off but didn't realize I had caught him. So while I don't consider myself to be ugly (most of the time), I am certainly nothing special. I sigh and flip the light switch off so I can no longer see my reflection.

To a time when he was all I ever wanted. Not exceptionally tall, but tall enough for me. Not blue eyes, but rather a piercing hazel color. And so big. Oh his eyes just drew you right in. He had a profound jawline. At that time he was not the gym rat he is now. He didn't have large muscles but he was solidly built. Dressed in brand name skater clothes, with perfectly done light brown hair, and no callouses on his hands. He drove fast cars. He told me all about his adventures in his life. He told me of all the four wheeler rides, snow machine trips, and the camping. He fed me everything I ever wanted to hear. those were the things I liked to do. I should've known that it didn't match. He was just too clean. Months turned into a year. I flew to visit him and we were engaged. He'd promised to be everything I ever needed. To protect me. To never treat me like I'd been treated my whole life. And he lied. He became just like them.

It's not hard to imagine why. My upbringing was enough to ensure that I'd grow up with enough emotional baggage to clothe a third world country. But that's a story for another time. Like when I'm feeling extra emotional. Today isn't that day. Thing is that almost everyone I know is a little bit crazy. But how you handle your crazy, well that's how good of a person you are. You are crazy. Diagnosed crazy. Bipolar and depressed...psychotic even. But your heart...now that's gold. You would do anything to protect your family. Give the shirt off your back for a friend. Save a scared and lonely girl. But you are a self punisher. You work yourself to death. Too humble to think you deserve anything good. Always do anything for yourself last. And maybe that's why you do what you do with me. You're giving her a way out because you know you're insane. I hadn't talked to you in weeks. And we really talked, no kissing, touching, no distractions. Just a real conversation with my best friend. "How are things? You look a little stressed," I glance at him. "Things are...things...I'm losing my fucking mind. One day I'm two inches from hurling myself off a bridge and the next, everything's great..my mood swings are just so tight." I'm watching you close. Seeing the emotions cross your face. Irony, frustration, smile, pain, and finally resting on overwhelmed as you rake your tatted and scarred hands through your hair. "I know I need to see a doctor. I need to just do it," you continue. "Do you WANT to see a doctor?" I ask. "Yeah, well, I mean I would like to." "Do you WANT to be on medication?" "Yeah, I need to." "Then you need to do it now. If there's anything I've learned in my experience is that you need to do it while you still want to. Because maybe tomorrow you'll change your mind." And you look at me and nod. Then you've got that crooked smile on your face. And your heart of gold shines through. Then there's him. He's not a bad person. But he isn't a nice person. He doesn't and probably never will know that there is something mentally unstable about him...but then again, narcissists rarely do. If there is no self gratification, it is the heaviest of task to convince him to do it. There are fractions, small spaces of time, where I think he cares. And then he hurts me. Emotionally or physically...it's always with a smile on his part. His heart is gray. And there's me. I'm all fucking messed up. And I don't really know what all is wrong with me. And I'm still for the life of me trying to find out if I'm a good person.

Sitting on the tailgate now, you hopped off. You stood between my legs that were hanging off the edge. Then you started poking around my hip bones and tickling. I couldn’t help but squirm and you were smiling. You slid your hands under me, one at the small of my back and one in the middle. In one fluid motion, you had me sitting up with my hands around your neck, your lips on mine, tongues dancing. All I’m thinking in my head is: How the hell do you do that? Why can’t he make motions like that? Why won’t he?

Perhaps one of the biggest reasons why my marriage is failing is that I believe my friends and family are the most important thing in my life. I would do almost anything to make their day better. Even if that meant making my day a little harder. He doesn't feel that way. If it is a an inconvenience, he won't do it. If he does, it's because I have goaded him into it. There must be some closet benefit to him. He's friends with people that will do him favors. Everyone else is nothing. Perhaps this is why he is so unhappy. He has given no kindness so how can he continue receiving it back? It doesn't even have to be something huge. Someday maybe he will understand that when you make someone smile it makes you happy inside. It's amazing to feel that. To know you've singlehandedly made a persons day a little better. Maybe all you did was let a person over when they needed to switch lanes. Or you decided to buy one of your friends a coffee. Or you tell someone that they look really good. But maybe the person was running late for work already and letting them in made it so they didn't feel so rushed. Maybe your friend was having a rough day and that coffee was exactly what they needed. And maybe that someone had looked at themselves in the mirror and felt bad about what they saw. You never know how one tiny act of kindness can help someone! Especially if it's from a person you love. A little effort goes a long way. No negative can come from a positive. My husband does not have the same spontaneous heart that I do. I'm always looking to get into a little mischief. I would love to have sex in a car. I would love to send dirty texts to him all day and then jump him when we get home. I would love to give him a blow job while driving down the highway. It isn't just that he isn't imaginative. He actually acts disgusted even if I try to suggest these things. So I guess we're not compatible. Young, wild, and positive. Not his type. Not anymore.

And I spend the rest of the night thinking about where it could go…

As I'm sitting in the passenger seat of your car singing along to the radio, if anything could ever be this good again. "Your lips taste like sangria...", I sing along with Blake Shelton while we speed past trees. We're looking for a spot to just quietly hang out. We've been texting for a couple days and you know I've been lonely. You've picked me up after I got done with my jog and we're just gonna find a spot to sit and drink a beer. So I tell you about this old spot on a hill that I knew about. It's a good spot by a gravel pit and it's got a pretty view. I never told you officially how I knew about it...a fling and I had found it awhile back...that's a story for another time. So we're on the hill and we just hang out and have some Pabst. And we chat about our significant others and confide that marriage sucks. We talk about anything and everything and you just listen and it feels so good just to have someone hearing me. You were a friend when I really needed one. And I'm not really the type of girl that says how she feels. Especially not face to face. So I'm not really sure if I'm ever going to be able to explain how much it all meant to me.

I pretty much think it’s all lies. But I really need one person to want me for me. So please just…lie to me once again.

And sometimes when I can’t convince myself, I close my eyes and dream of you holding me instead.

...with a dirty mind. I saw you today. We've got this great thing going. The ultimate friends with benefits situation. I am not that girl. I won't catch feelings. I do love you like crazy...but it's because we were friends before this all started. I want you to have a good day. I want to see you smile. I want to see you happy. You want to hear how this relationship started? I won't go to the beginning. That's too much to write in one sitting... Once upon a time...I was out partying with my best friend. We decided to go to a restaurant where one of our guy friends was...the short version of this is that we cheated on our husbands that night. My friend got a guilty conscience and turned us in to our church. They excommunicated us for our actions. There are a million reasons why this and everything else has happened. Why I have done these bad things. They all sound like excuses and none of them I will give you here. What I'm about to say now isn't an excuse it's a simple fact... My husband has narcissistic personality disorder. After he had found out what I had done, he didn't leave me. And I still don't understand why... So this sets the stage for what happened next. I've been excommunicated from my church and none of my family or my friends are allowed to talk to me. I am utterly and completely alone. Except for C.B., which is worse then being alone. I get a text the day after the announcement is made. It says: "It's going to be okay. You'll make it through this." It's from you. You're not even supposed to be speaking to me. And it is the one thing I hold on to. I send a thank you text. You also have texted C.B. and said that this has happened to you. Your wife has done this. If he ever needs to talk, you'll be there. It's a hilarious notion to him. He actually laughs. Why would he need advice from the likes of you? A few days later you send a text and ask me how I am. I don't send anything back for a couple weeks. Then, on Memorial Day weekend, I've been left by myself while C.B. is out with our friends doing the annual camping trip that I'm no longer invited to. I write you a text. I say, "I'm a little lonely but I'm doing okay." You text me back almost immediately. You say, "Hang in there girl. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. I've been there. I know what you're going through." And you really do. You have been excommunicated twice. And I feel a little less lonely. And I smile a real smile for the first time in...years. And that's how it began. From there it blossomed like wildflowers. So it's hard sometimes to not be a little romantic with you. But it's not because I've fallen for you. It's because you make me smile and no one has even tried to do that in so long. The amount of naughty thoughts I have in your presence...well that far out weighs my romantic side.

I fall asleep like this every night. I dream about your lips. Anything I’ve ever wanted as a dream come true…oh I never wanted anything half so badly as I want to kiss your lips.

That’s all I want. To see you. To hug you. To kiss you.