Holidang You Fine

The laziest bread, made by the laziest witch, for my fellow lazy witches:  Ingredients:  2 Cups Dairy Free Ice Cream (“Cinnamon Swirl” or Vanilla flavor)- this doesn’t have to be dairy free, but I am lactose intolerant so..   1.5 Cups Self-rising Flour

That’s really all you need to actually make the bread, and then I added some ground spices for the correspondences (all of them, except salt, include either luck, love, or both) plus it tastes better! 

Allspice -  prosperity, luck, healing  Cinnamon - success, healing, protection, power, love, luck, strength, prosperity Nutmeg - prosperity, luck, protection, intellect, removing curses Ginger - sensuality, sexuality, confidence, prosperity, healing, protection  Vanilla - happiness, love, lust  Cloves -  protection, love, prosperity, banishing, friendship, stopping gossip Pinch of salt - cleansing, purification, banishing, protection 

I don’t have the measurements for any of them though, because again, i’m lazy as fuck. I just kind of threw them in and thought “yea that’s not too much, not too little, it’ll do.” 

Oh! I had to switch accounts at some point last year, that’d probably do it. Hold on I got you! The reblog it’s posted on is here, and since it’s about time I copied it into its own post anyway… With a few minor edits: 

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Two adulting (kitchen-related) tips from me!

1. Buy a roll of parchment paper from the cooking shit aisle. A big roll will last you for-fucking-ever. Pretty much any time you’re using a baking pan you can line it with that stuff and save yourself A: food sticking to the pan and B: it’s a quick rinse and it’s clean.

2. Bread can get fucking expensive, so make your own. A bigass bag of flour and a bag of active dry yeast (store it in the friiiiidge!!!) works out a FUCK of a lot cheaper than buying bread at the store, and you can do so much more with it. Bread, pizza, rolls, cinnibuns, homemade pizza pockets. It seems intimidating but it’s stupid easy.

Seriously. It’s stupid simple to make, and most of the “3 hours” to make it is sitting around surfing the internet or doing whatever the fuck you want while the dough rises. If you have an afternoon free once a week to sit and play video games or surf the net, you have the time to make your own bread on the cheap. 

Here’s my simple-as-fuck recipe:

2 ¼ teaspoons active dry yeast (You can buy a bag of this stuff CHEAP in bulk stores, the little single-serve packets are hella stupid priced)

1 cup warm water (think a hot bath)

1 ½ teaspoons sugar

2 tablespoons oil (any kind works for the most part)

2 ¼ cups flour

1 teaspoon salt

1. Stir the yeast, water, sugar, and oil up in a bowl. Let it sit for about 10 minutes. It will foam up VERY high, this is the yeast getting happy! If it doesn’t get all foamy, the water may have been too hot or not hot enough. Remember, Yeast is alive! Treat it like a nice girlfriend!

2. Mix your flour, salt, and the yeast concoction up in a bowl.

3. Knead that shit for about 5 minutes. It will start sticky as heck, but will come together into a nice dough. If it’s still super sticky, toss in a bit more flour. The dough should feel silky to touch if you’ve done it long enough. Here’s how to knead it:

4. Put your dough in a covered, lightly oiled bowl and leave it someplace warmish for an hour. At that point it will have roughly doubled in size, give it a gentle punch to release the gasses that have built up inside. Cover it again and let it sit for a bit longer.

Boom. You have bread dough. Here are some baking times and uses for ya:

Optional egg-wash: Just crack an egg into a bowl, add a pinch of salt or some water if you’re game, and mix the bejeebus out of it with a fork. Brush (or if you’re like me, goop it on with said fork) that shit thinly on bread before baking for a nice crust.

Pizza: Stretch it on a pan, stab the fucker all over with a fork, add toppings, bake 425*F 15-20 minutes. Roughly the same process for pizza pockets, just with more filling and pinching it shut before baking.

Bread Sticks: Make snake-shapes, let rest on pan 10-ish minutes, bake 400*F 10-20 minutes.

Dinner rolls/Pullaparts: Make ball-sized (yes those balls) balls. Place on greased pan, let rest 10-20 minutes to rise. Egg-wash and bake 375*F 25 minutes.

Bread: Lightly score (cut) the top, let sit for 20-ish minutes on/in whatever you’re using to bake it, egg-wash, bake at 375*F for 20-ish minutes. It’s done when it sounds hollow if you knock on the bottom. If it sounds solid, it’s still doughy.

You bet your ass you can deep-fry this shit for cheapie yeast doughnuts. Roll that shit in sugar or dip it in whatever, it’s fucking tasty.

Bagels: YES. YOU. CAN. Form bagel-shapes out of the dough and boil them in salty water for about 2 minutes. Egg-wash them and bake them at 400*F for 10 minutes.

Cinnamon Rolls: Roll that shit out into a rectangle. Brush it with a mix of butter, cinnamon, sugar, and a pinch of salt (no exact amounts here, do it to your taste). Roll it up into a log, and cut it into discs. Let them sit 20 minutes in a pan and then bake at 375*F 15-17 minutes. I can personally vouch for these coming out amazing! If you bake them long enough, the filling will caramelize on the bottom of the pan into pseudo-crunchy-sweet-buttery candy, and if you’re using parchment paper it’ll pop right off for indulgent consumption. 

You can add whatever you want to the dough for some variety, just if it’s dried spices remember you really only need 1-ish tablespoons. I personally like making bread with about 1 tablespoon of dill in the dough. Roll it out flat, sprinkle it with cheddar, roll it into a log, squeeze the ends shut, and bake it like a regular loaf of bread. Cheesy dill bread OMNOMNOM.

That got a bit long. But yeah. Bread’s expensive, yo. Save your wallet.

This is a pretty simple bread recipe. You can really use it for anything. I made herbed bread with it (thus the inclusion of herbs) but the basic recipe is pretty versatile. This recipe can also be used to make dinner rolls or even pizza dough. With some additions you could use this to make cinnamon rolls. I hope y'all enjoy!

Ingredients:

2 cups water

1 tablespoon sugar

1 tablespoon yeast

4 cups of flour

About 1/2 teaspoon salt (you can definitely add more)

1 Tablespoon oregano (optional)

1 Tablespoon garlic powder (optional)

1 Tablespoon parsley (optional)

Some olive oil (optional)

1 egg for top (optional)

Steps:

Combine the water, yeast, and sugar then let it sit for 5-10 minutes. Add in two cups of flour to begin with and your herbs and salt. When well combined (it should look sorta chunky) add in the rest of your flour. Knead that dough for 5-7 minutes or until it's smooth and it bounces back when you gently press it. If it's a bit sticky feel free to add some more flour. If it's too dry, add some water. Put that dough back into your mixing bowl with a little bit of olive oil (just enough to cover it) then let it rise for a few hours.

When the dough has doubled in size, "punch it" down and knead gently. You don't have to knead a lot, this is just so the bread doesn't get massive airholes. Let the dough rise in the container you are going to bake it in (or pan). I used a cake container.

After another hour or so, you can preheat your oven to 375°F. Score your bread and eggwash it if you wish. Then you can put it into the preheated oven for about 35 minutes! You can tell the bread is done if it sounds hollow when you lightly knock on the bottom. You're all done now! You can eat it while it's hot or wait till it cools so it doesn't tear.