Hog Wild

You used to be a prospect, now you're just a buffet's greatest success story, fatso. You went from playing the field to being the field. You’ve got enough surface area now that the umpire could use your torso as a landing strip for a Boeing 747. The most impressive part isn't the 60 kg (132 lbs) you gained, it's the audacity to still step on a diamond. You aren't 'rounding third' anymore, you are a round. Your core used to be made of muscle, now it’s just a soft, doughy storage unit for every bad decision you've ever made. You’ve got love handles so massive they’re practically zip codes, and those moobs? You’re the only guy on the roster who needs a sports bra just to keep the jiggle from distracting the pitcher. If you tried to slide into home now, you wouldn't stop, you’d just bounce off the catcher and roll all the way back to the dugout like a giant, flabby bowling ball. You’re still hitting home runs, sure, but now the only 'home run' you’re making is the trip from the couch to the fridge. You used to be a powerhouse on the diamond, now you're just a power-surge for the local bakery, you greedy piggy.