hoffguy

there are over 100 items on earth

doesn't it piss you off that you have to find something to eat every single day. every one of them. just every day. you gotta eat something

Everyone loves me for my repetitive speech, my odd noises, my constant forgetfulness, and my repetitive speech

the thing about speaking truthfully from your heart and also being deadpan in your tone is that people will think that you are constantly lying or are being sarcastic. i have never lied about anything ever. except for the times i did lie. but most of those times it was either for the bit or because i thought it would be funny.

have you noticed the whole thing coming apart at the seams lately

ok i gotta get my shit together. i gotta close all these tabs

they should make a wetter water that hydrates you 5 times as much. it should feel like a videogame health potion. instant healing. instant hydration.

used to be people would say things like "avast" or "hither and yon". nowadays folks mostly say stuff like "ethernet cable"

Crossing your legs is underrated. The subtle pressure of unyielding outside knee against the soft flesh of your own lower leg is one of the few true pleasures I can reliably expect on a daily basis

Through has got to be my least favorite way out