Anomalous

Sometimes I truly wonder what it means for someone to have value

Things intrinsically have value because people assign value to them, at least in an economic sense.  Once something has no purpose to anyone, it ceases to have value

But how do people have value

To say that people have value because others assign value to them is saying that it only matters what other people think, which isn’t really true

which is why people have to assign their own value, but that tends to be harder to believe

but you have to believe that you have value, simply by existing

and overtime, for some that can become difficult to understand

because really, what purpose do some people serve

the existential view of it would be no one really serves any value in the long run.  to the people they would have value to, it really doesn’t mean too much once all of those people die off

and that’s why a lot of people try to find meaning in life

so that they have some sort of legacy

that’s a lot of what Hamilton was about

but to the person, what does legacy really matter?  it only matters when you’re alive

maybe not to the people who view your legacy, but as a conscious being, legacy doesn’t really matter either

there is no inherent value to legacy

no really value to the things that you do, at least to you

..

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to commit suicide.  I don’t want to commit suicide.  but the longer I think about it, the more I don’t value my life enough to want to no longer be in world

I don’t think I matter

There isn’t anything that can convince me that if I were removed from this world, something would change. 

for the short term, I wouldn’t be around in people’s minds but then that would fade

I don’t provide anything to anyone

everything I do is temporary, as is the case with most people

but people have been able to find either value in the things that they do, whether to others or to themselves

I find nothing

or at least, I’m finding nothing

the fleeting nature of the things that I provide or try to benefit others with is replaceable

forgettable

just as how someday, what I’m writing now will end up in the ether of the internet so too will I become virtually nothing

ending up in the ground, and my essence whisked away

but I don’t want to kill myself

if something horrible were to happen to me, then it would be something that people could talk about

because then maybe I would provide some sort of value 

a news article that can get some local reporter paid for the week

a reason for people to get together, not that that would even happen

it’s the horrible realization of being nothing that I don’t seem to be able to get past though

because everyone is nothing

yet i feel like i should be better than nothing

what kind of hubris it is to assume that you are better than everyone else

so i am nothing

the arrogance makes me less than nothing

but i can’t do it by myself

but i can’t just get someone to do it for me, that’s just suicide with extra steps

why not suicide?  because it’s vile and horrible

...

i don’t know why i’m trying so hard

why prove yourself to be more than what you are

nothing matters

i’m scared that if i stop caring, i will stop caring about suicide

and then it’ll just happen

and then i’ll truly be gone

....

i hate the idea of being pitied

it’s why i only write to the ether of the internet

because the hell with everyone else who thinks that I’m deserving of their pity

it’s why i’ll never reach out for help

even when i need it

i hope that no one reads this now

it’s for me only

Today I spent an hour or so outside traversing random paths on a cliffside.  I was able to go see the beach from the paths and various cliff edges.  I was mostly just observing since it was an uncharacteristically nice day.  Clear skies, though there was definitely a haze in the distance to the south side.  The waters were incredibly clear, I could see a few people walking dogs on the beach, wondering how they even got there as I could find the path from where I was at.  

I could see the paths that they might have taken. Or possibly that they had scaled a more steep part of the cliff.

It wasn’t too far from where I could see, much lower from my vantage point.

And as I looked out into the water and down at the beach, I kept questioning whether I had any inherent value.

And I think that I came to the conclusion that I don’t really

It’s kind of a weird thing to think, as I think as people are born and so long as people are actively trying to not do harm or instill some negative energy or whatever you want to call it, then they do have some inherent value.  Not that that means that they have to have value to anyone or anything.  Just naturally through existence. And you lower that value as you actively bring harm to others.

And maybe I’ve just gotten to the point that I think that I am actively bringing people down.

And my goal is to just ... not do that

Why else would I constantly pray and hope that I am doing right by others

Am I not doing anything? Am I doing enough?

My existence seems rather... pointless.  But not meaningless, since things pragmatically can mean different things to different people.

But if I were just gone, how many people would be truly affected by it?

Are we just a product of our effect on other people?

I don’t really think that either

But yet I can’t help feeling like if I weren’t here, then nothing would really change.

Maybe it’s the insignificance of our existence in the grand scheme of things. Our place in the observable universe is so small, and even smaller in the unobservable universe.

That might not even technically exist yet and constantly growing every day.

But what does my faith have to say about it? I sure don’t feel like I have value in this place.

But I should believe I do? Is that not my own hubris thinking that I should have some value because I have been put here?

For what reason? That’s a loaded question so I can stop that here.

I don’t want to die.  I don’t want to hear or see others die.

But I also don’t want to be here

How can I believe that people have inherent value and yet not think that way for myself? Is that it’s own kind of hubris?

I think that no matter how many things I try to do for other people, I can only bring out the value in others only by diminishing my own.

I guess in that lens, I am that kind of support

Why do I think this way?

I kind of can assume why I think this way.

But I think that’s just acting like a victim.

I won’t go anywhere, I don’t want to die.  I don’t want to go anywhere.

But I also don’t want to be here.

I hope I stop thinking like this.

There is something better, something where I can find the value in myself, and hopefully I can provide for others as a I discover what that might be.

I pray that I am patient with myself and that I can live by other people.  but hopefully not by defining myself on what I think that they might be thinking about me

hell it doesn’t even have to be about what they actually think about me

but that depends on the person more or less

but I don’t want to be here

First thought I had when starting this: I know i don’t have dyslexia but dang I am just misreading so many things. I have no idea if the whole letters or numbers just jumping off the page and bouncing around thing is real or exaggerated or not but that’s not what’s happening.  But definitely just misreading things more often than not recently.

Honestly, that’s not really the main idea of this though

I’m trying to do this while watching TV but that isn’t really going to work so I better do this without.

I haven’t really checked in with how I’m truly feeling these days.

Like I tell my self that I’ve been feeling like garbage pretty much the entire year

because I have

Like all of the growth things that I had felt throughout 2021 had tanked before this year even started and then COVID and grad school pretty much had taken away most of the things

and like residual anger from break ups don’t help

because like 

why

there’s no point to this and I don’t want to go back

and now there is a lot of hope

and that doesn’t always feel all that great.

I don’t really want to go back to having hope for the reason that I am in a place where I don’t want to be disappointed

Maybe that’s a really dumb reason though

I want to see myself improve and I can only hope that I am improving

but I just feel like my patience is wearing really thin

and that I just have no motivation to really continue much with anything

I have my coping mechanisms of gaming a bit and keyboards

but I barely want to do music on my own

because there isn’t a point almost

.

but then again, having hope and excitement is really interesting

because it is something to really look forward to

i haven’t really looked forward to anything in my life recently.  Some say it’s a sign of getting older but I disagree

because to not have like butterflies about something is totally valid

but you can always look forward to something or have hope that something is going to be amazing

or just pretty good

and i haven’t really had that

but with graduation, there is the prospect for a new job

that’s not all that exciting to be honest, that is just another thing that we must do to survive

but moving somewhere new?

I would have to leave all of my friends here

and if I’m totally honest, there are a lot of people around that when I do see, I am happy to see

but as we all get older, how many people actually become people we go out of our way to see?

that’s few and far away 

pretty much anywhere right?:

and we all need to meet new people and be social no matter where life takes us

because if we’re not the ones to go away, someone else will

where am I going to be?  who am I going to meet?

am I going to meet anyone?

Am I destined to be alone?

probably not

but the opportunity is there to really step outside of the place where I have developed a lot of memories, grown up a lot, been torn down a lot, and feel stagnant in

is this the right opportunity?

am I talking about something that I shouldn't concern myself with right now because it’s so far out in the future?

almost 

only almost because no matter what happens, something like that needs to happen

I can only be in the place where I’m at for so long

I feel like i’ve already reached that point but for logistical and rational reasons, I shouldn’t leave

just yet anyway

what am I working for?

I hope that I develop a patience 

not just with other people, but with myself

I want to be able to serve others freely, not really have to worry about things

I want to really love someone else and hopefully they will love me back

I want to not worry truly

I thought that that was a kind of throwaway answer but it kind of isn’t anymore

because these days I just worry almost all the time

about what people think, about what I think, about what could happen, about what has already happened

but never really about what’s happening unless it’s staring me in the face and even then I just kind of take care of those things as they happen and they’re much easier to deal with

mostly because they are things that I can deal with

and that’s the real difference isn’t it?

Life without worry for me has now become a point of focusing on the things that actually matter

because the things of the past don’t matter because they already happened

and the things of the future don’t matter because they don’t exist

and the things of the now I guess I can handle?

so some patience

some time

some wisdom

that’s what I really need

some money would be nice too but eh that will happen with time i guess?

Let’s start with a reminder that the reason for this existing in the first place is in case you need a place to write out the things in your head because it isn’t great to keep them bottled up inside. you have to not even really process them just get them out

so the fact that you use this platform as a method of only complaining isn’t a bad thing. it is what it is specifically for

because it is meant to hurt no one and help you

“oh I should write something more productive” like yeah what? does that even make sense? are you a writer? are you meant to wrtie something more thought provoking?

absolutely not. use something else for that, this is for venting and processing and getting thoughts out of your head so you can advance and move on

SO let’s start with how we led up to this point

I hate the concept of the New Year.

Not that having a concept of specifying time and stuff, that’s pretty necessary for the purpose of humanity for the most part

time is a social construct as we know it but that does require denoting a word and time period for one trip around the sun i guess

but the concept of the new year in that everyone has to see this as a “new opportunity” to set resolutions or themes or to think back and revise and review

it’s rather stupid

like what has actually changed

what will change is the same as what would change if it were march or november

like literally nothing has changed and yet we all view this thing as time a to reflect or think back and determine how we’re going to “define” ourselves in the coming year

and that’s some bull

because it also makes the whole “let’s try to end the year on a good note” thing also really dumb but for the exact opposite end of the year

I was a fool to think that in my 2021 “Revival” year, I could rebuild from the pain that I had undergone at the end of 2020

at least in the span of time that was 2021

it’s an ongoing process that will always be like that

but it just seemed like things were finally after a year on the up and up

I had finished what i believed to be one of the hardest classes i would go through in my grad program (and very successfully at that), I was seeing friends and family, I was talking to someone who i really liked and seemed to click with and thought that she’d be very good for me. that and it was the holidays and I could visit home and things seemed to be going so well at home

but of course everything has to go terribly terribly wrong

and all at once rather

because things at home did not end up that great, and they always devolve into the same tension at home that always happens

like why did i think that anything different would happen?”

and this like dragged on from the end of the year and bled into the new year

and every day it’s like why is it getting worse?

why can’t this same situation be fixed finally? like have we learned nothing?:” are we doing nothing?

of course it didn’t really help that the girl i was talking to really ‘took the time to think about it’ and determined that I was not the one for her

not worth the effort, doesn’t want to waste her or my time

and also I really hate being told that if i want to be friends and connect, she’d be down

like that’s so insulting to me now. “oh I don’t really care to be friends but if YOU want to then yeah sure maybe”

like don’t act like it’s my responsibility

put in your own effort

i don’t care about wasting my time, this is wasted energy. i put too much effort into these random people who i think i might be with

i care too much? maybe not. i care too easily? maybe so

and then all of that gets to culminate in me getting covid

the day i get dropped off from home back to living on my own

and it also turns out that my dad is probably also sick

“he goes outside all the time” that means nothing

i couldn’t have really cared about any single one of these things in the way that i do now had only one of those things happened

but they all did

why is it that i have to work so hard in order for me to feel good about myself, and feel good about how things are going

and yet everything that i worked towards can get crumbled by all of the bad things happening all at once

do i not get any respite?

I’m basically at a point that I think that I don’t deserve to be happy

I’ve have done something so incredibly karmically wrong that any chance I have at finally feeling good about where I think I am, I have to be reminded that I must suffer

I don’t deserve anything but to suffer

I don’t deserve anything but to experience sadness

and it’s not even like i’m suffering that much like look at so many places in the world, there are people suffering much worse

so i don’t even deserve to be upset

i don’t deserve to be happy or depressed

I simply deserve to be in a state of null where I must conform to whatever else must be done 

I am simply a cog 

a bot

I don[’t think I deserve to feel anything

I deserve nothing

Not in the sense that we are all born into this world and just do what we do

I deserve literally to have nothing

and therefore should have nothing

i have no hope

no future

no dreams

i am just meant to not even really be

hope is a double edged sword that i no longer wish to wield

hope is a catalyst for extra pain

hope brings only disappointment

and i’m just sick of having hope

not having hope means i won’;t be disappointed

I just don’t want to be 

being is so tiring

i can’t even do the basic task of sleeping

how pathetic is that that i can’t do something that all living creatures just do

i’m convinced i’m going to die much sooner considering how much sleep i’ve lost

not that i haven’t tried to sleep

what kind of idiot wouldn’t try

but then again what kind of idiot can’t sleep? I shouldn’;t have anxiety or depression, i don’t deserve to 

so i should be able to sleep

and yet i can’t

all i wanted was to finally feel like i was going to be okay

and now in my 5th or 6th day of full isolation, a day before i have to start classes again and not be able to do anything anyways 

i question why i even cared in the first place

no one else will care

i will just be alone since i don’t have a choice in being so it’ll probably just be alone

there’s just no point in hoping for anything more

and i’m so tired of putting in the effort

It’s been maybe 8 months since you had your heart broken in the way that it did

You felt betrayed, like you had no chance whatsoever

Like you were worth nothing, and friendship was a lie

Now, you know you’re at least worth something, you just need to be reminded of that here and there

Especially now

It sort of feels like you got your heart broken a second time

And you know it’s not really, and it’s definitely not as painful as a regular heartbreak

but it almost seems like a different kind because

it skipped to just being annoying and it makes you more angry

because you’re trying to recognize your worth as a person

but it’s like you’re not worth even being a friend

a lot of this time, you thought that people inherently were decent

but not everyone thinks like you do

people have pretty much grown to show that they don;’t really care at all

people only choose to care when they think that it may benefit them in any way

and that still holds true for you

but the cognizance to recognize that fault means that you can start caring about people the way you’ve always wanted to continue caring about people

and genuinely want what’s best for them

but it’s getting harder when you find people who just don’t care

or at least it’s probably just a care that was not reciprocated

even if it was just to be a nice person to someone else

because there is no reason that at least want to be friendly with someone is a bad thing

doesn’t matter what “precedent” is set because that’s what human communication is for

it helps to set whatever precedents you want them to take

no one really ever cares

so focus on those who do

because they make your life worth living

they are the ones who you care about 

and they care about you

and that’s a great thing

do well for them

help them

be there fore them

because they are the most important people in your life

cherish them

hang on to them

and also remember

that you have value

I’m think I’m really sick of thinking back on the events of this year and thinking about “what i learned” or “how i can grow from this”

It doesn’t seem to really help me any more

I don’t think I’m giving up

I just am so sick of feeling worthless and am sick of feeling this longing

Because it only happens because I’m so sick of being angry

But I’m angry

and i shouldn’t be

Not to say that i shouldn’t feel the anger in general

but I’m just really tired of trying to accept life as it is and move on

I just want to forget

because accepting things as they are almost feels like giving up

Like i should accept that I am worthless

which I’m not

and how dare I be made to feel this way

because i’m not

But this cognitive dissonance is really pissing me off

but i shouldn’t feel angry towards someone else

even if they may have wronged me

because in the end, what do i want to have happen?

Nothing

Absolutely nothing

It’s not worth it.  I just want to forget

Forget it ever happened.

Move on

Move away

never come back

I’m worried about self harm again.  I won’t hurt myself seriously

but i will hurt myself

Not to any real extent, I’m not in danger

but i just hate feeling angry

and I don’t want to feel longing, i don’t want to feel sad

i don’t want to feel anythign really

Just ot not care

would be a dream

How do i stop caring, why do i care so much

Why do i care so much just to be basically told it meant nothing

Fucking bullshit that’s what that is

I am not nothing

I care a lot and to have that be wasted away is really not my loss

I invest because caring is important to me

but i’m afraid i think

to keep caring like this

It’s actually more terrifying the more I think about it

I don’t want to be alone, and in reality i won’t be

but I have to better at being alone 

and i don’t want that to happen

but i’m afraid to care so much

even though i will

do i want to care?

why do i care to begin with?

i wish i had more resolve

because then I would stop caring so much

or even if i did care, I would be better about managing it

but ofr now

just to forget

would be a dream

and to not care

would be a dream

Dear _____,

It seems that I am not worth anything to you anymore

Not that i have to be

but I’m honestly disappointed

your choices reflect on what you want and what you need sure

but it just seems very disrespectful to me

and if i don’t get this out now to somewhere, it’s going to fester in me and i won’t be able to move past it

properly anyway

i don’t wish you the best

i don’t wish you the worst

i don’t really wish you anything

i don’t wish you

i just wanted what was best for us at the time

and to me, you’ve chosen to ignore all of that in order to replace your pain

instead of confronting it head on

because it sucks to do that, but you don’t grow if you don’t

and me holding on to this means i won’t grow either

so good luck i guess

it seems like we’ll never speak to each other again

you don’t want to

and as much as i do now

Drafting a letter to see draft how I’d talk to you again

Dear _____,

Can we talk

I need to talk to you about how I’m feeling but that requires me to tell you about how I’ve been and what my goals are.

1. Since we’ve broken up, it hasn’t been great

Probably the easiest to understand but obviously there was just a lot of sadness and depression.  No motivation to really do anything, constant reminders of what once was

I swear i was looking at the empty table where you used to work and got sad because of it.  Even after selling the table and clearing out the couch, I still would remember leaning over and saying hi.  and it made me sad every time

Thankfully, my family convinced me to go camping, even if we almost got caught in the fires.  At least we left early

2. This was the time for me to really focus on growth and self improvement

I’ve learned that self improvement is truly one of the hardest things that people have to go through.  It’s voluntarily confronting your demons and taking on your pain head on.  It sucks.  and it takes time.  but i’ve learned that it is what ultimately gets you to a better place overall

since you’re the only one responsible for your own growth.

and after continued therapy and practicing CBT and continuing to recognize behaviours and thoughts and learning better methods of tackling them, I’ve continued to improve.

For a long time, I was someone that I hated.  I always talked about how I have this darkness within me.  and i never liked that

and now I’m becoming someone that i truly like.  Not just someone I like when I’m around someone specific.  but really truly starting to like myself and care about myself

3. And that leads up to early October.  when i messaged you

Before you left, you asked me if we could be friends.  or if we’d be able to get back together.

And i would be lying if i said that i didn’t want to get back together.  

because we really cared for each other.  and we built this relationship.  I said before and thought always that I just needed time to work on myself

because the relationship itself wasn’t bad.  it in and of itself didn’t have any problems

and that’s why i wanted to be friends.  I told you that we can be friends.  but i didn’t just say that we’d get back together.  because we needed to improve in our own right, and not for the sake of someone else.  for ourselves.  though realistically, there is the chance

but i’d be lying if i said that i didn’t want to get back together.

of course i did.  i just couldn’t say so

4. but then you told me that you were seeing someone else

And I was shattered.

I know that two months is not a lot of time to work on yourself.  And self improvement isn’t a destination, but a lifelong journey

but i just felt so heartbroken

because it felt like everything I had worked towards.  All of the love and care that i put in for the 2.5 years was suddenly just gone

like it didn’t matter

like i never mattered

i felt like garbage, so easily cast aside

for a week, i felt this physically manifested anxiety.  pressure building in my chest because i felt so hopeless.  like there was nothing out there for me because i was nothing

i considered self harm again.  but that wasn’t worth it

because as much as i felt like i didn’t matter, i have learned that i do matter

it just doesn’t feel that great to feel like it either

5. So why am i talking to you again?

I’ve had a lot of time to reflect.  And i may have relapsed a bit and looked at old photos and texts.  It was all an accident initially but then i indulged in my emotional side and just looked at all of the archived photos.  and some cards and texts.

I just looked at ourselves and thought

we were so happy

and yeah people take photos to remember good times but one in particular just showed how much we really cared

not from what we were doing, but the way that we were interacting

and i’ve been thinking a lot about what i want in life

and one of my life goals has always been to develop this very strong relationship that will evolve and grow throughout my lifetime

and to live without regrets or feeling like i’ve wasted my time

and for the most part, i haven’t had those two things affect me.

not a whole lot anyway, maybe some poor choices in classes taken in school

but now i have a huge regret

and that was either my choice of words or actions that led up to this break up

which because it feels meaningless, feels like a waste of time

and i don’t think i’m ready to give up on that 

You might think that nothing will really change.  And while in many circumstances I agree with you, i think there is a huge difference here. 

One of my main problems was that I couldn’t deal with situations properly.  and with my health problems and school and work stress and the pandemic happening all at once, it was hard to react properly.  and i wasn’t receiving the proper help 

nor was i probably open to it

i was in a weak state where i hated the person i was

but not anymore

I’m becoming more the person i want to be

because i built myself up there

and i think that will really change things

and that’s why i want to open up these lines of communication again

so that I can stay true to my word 

so that we can be friends

and also to try to build up to that relationship again

i’m not ready right now.  I still have work to do.  and i always will have more work to do.  but i’m also ready to get to know you again.  i want you to experience this person that i’ve become and am becoming

and i want to get to know the person who has been out of my life for this short while

and continue to know the person who will grow in her own right

----------------

Honestly, i don’t know if any of this is worth saying to you,.  if you’re happy in this new thing and i get rejected because of it, it would be devastating.  but it also kind of shows what i really did mean to you i guess

because two months is not a long time to get over someone

or to work on yourself

but then i’d know at least right?

I don’t know what kind of questions you’d have

or if i even mean anything to you anymore

i don’t know when i’ll tell you this

and i don’t know if it’s worth the waiting and the hoping

but while i’m not ready, i will still work on myself

though not all of this is purely logical and rational reasoning, that’s my goal

because a purely emotionally fueled conversation would mean that I wasn’t ready to get back with you

as I am not now

I’m still working on myself and will always be doing that

but if it’s anyone to keep working on myself with and working with, i’d be proud to say that it’s you

we’ve made a lot of good things

and i’m sure we can continue that

but for me, it’s as a new person hopefully

it all sounds kind of desperate and a bit cheezy now that i look back on it

but who’s to say what wanting is

or that our decisions are right or wrong so long as they aren;t breaking some law

i miss you

but that’s not the only reason why i want us back together.

Dear _____,

The thing I catch myself doing a lot these days is scrolling on the facebook chat to see if you’re online.  I had to make it so that I don’t see you on facebook much for you not to pop up to the top.

Messenger is not very nice but it finally caught on to that same idea

Not that I don’t want to see you.

It’s just that it makes it more painful than it needs to be.

but for some reason straight up blocking you doesn’t really feel that good.

I should probably just like make it so that you can’t see me

and while I’m sure you’ve already made it so, i want you to see me

because it’s important to me for some reason that you know how I’m feeling and know how I’m doing.

Which is why I’m writing these letters here.

You’ll have no chance of seeing this anyway.  I doubt you even know this exists though I have told you about it

I think that while the thing that I want most right now is for us to talk again and see if getting back together is a possibility, i know that it’s not really in the cards right now

I’m still trying to get over you

but not because i don’t want to get back together

it’s so that I’m a more well-rounded person if we decide that’s something we want to try again

I can’t really say the same for you since you’ve decided to see someone new

There are a lot of songs that have gone through my head

and I like them all, and not just because they’re super relatable to me right now, i do think they are good.  you could see my playlist and know what songs I’m feeling

but some songs you might not think as much would be All Time Low and Happy Ending and the like

but I think the key thing for me right now is that

I need to keep working on myself because self improvement is a never ending goal

and until I’m satisfied with how far I’ve come and where I will be heading towards, then there is no need for me to talk to you.

I can’t be limited by how much I miss things and how happy we could be

because who is to know what would have happened?

could good things still happen?  very possible.  

I’ve wanted to do more things with you.  but that happens with separation doesn’t it?  you feel like you want to completely revamp yourself to become this different person

and i think i’m honest with myself when i say that i want to do things with you in a new relationship because i miss you and want to change for you

but i also just kinda want to be your friend, learn to grow with you more

but I’m also just not ready for a relationship, the thing that i want most out of life really

I don’t think it’s that i wouldn’t thrive in a relationship.   I would work as hard as i can to make a new relationship work.  and that meaning that I would want to learn about a person i’m interested in and try to compromise and grow together.  what I was doing with you.

relationships i don’t think are the problem here.  I am

I am not a problem in a relationship, I am a problem to myself, and that makes me not the person I want to be in a relationship

I’m trying to avoid saying that I don’t deserve someone or something because we all deserve to be loved and to find happiness

and though I had this happiness with you and may still want this happiness with you, I can’t personally work towards that until I think that i’m the person to do so

and that’s what i’m working on

today was the first day since learning that you found someone else that I felt good about myself

being happy is worth this pain

because if anything, it’s a better alternative to not being happy

i’m not finding happiness in anything particular, just trying to be happy in general.  And I wouldn’t have been able to make this happen without having worked on myself

and though i want to share this happiness with you, I just don’t think that you are accessible

if you talk to me, message or call or text or whatever, for whatever reason, I’ll respond to you.  because again, I’m holding true to my word.  we can be friends. but I don’t think I can reach out to you without getting my heart broken again for a while

even though I want to risk it all

it would show a sign of regression

that i only worked on myself for something else as opposed to myself

it makes it seem like you shouldn’t be so important to me.  and while that isn’t true at all, you are very important to me still right now, i need to prioritize myself

it’s that paradox of needing to take care of yourself and seeming selfish when that’s what is needed in order to have a successful relationship

if you’re happy, then i hope you remain happy.  if this thing works for you, then i hope that you;re happy.

I’m getting there.  and maybe we can share in that happiness in the future

This is going to be a letter directly addressed to my ex but i’m not going to name names.

Dear ____,

I hope you’re doing well.  Honestly, I do.  But I don’t have the best of feelings toward you right now.  I’m wondering if you know why.  This letter is something I’m telling you because deep down I want you to know. 

I’m miserable.  And it’s mostly because of what you decided to do.  Not to say that you directly caused this pain but your actions will have consequences you realize.  

It was within two months.  Now it’s been 10 weeks.  

That’s not much time you know.  That’s very little time.  

I thought we were going to work on ourselves.  And you know that that won’t happen in that short amount of time.  I know that you know that.  

I always thought that we had a lot of similarities in thought.  We agreed and built on ideas about how we lived our lives.  Yes I am very strict about a lot of things.  But we knew that this kind of working on ourselves was very important.

You seemed to think that I needed that time.

I thought we both had things to work on.

But in that time when you wouldn’t be able to work on yourself, you distract yourself in another relationship.  Or seeing someone.  Or talking to someone with the intention of something more.

I don’t know what it is that made you think that that was what you needed.  You haven’t thought about how I would feel.  and why would you, we’re no longer together.  

but it’s the idea about respect for a relationship.  I feel like none of what we built, what we worked for, means anything anymore. Did I waste the last 2.5 years of my life?  Because it feels like it since I don’t seem to mean anything to you.

I thought that when I told you that we would be friends and that there is technically a chance we could get back together, it wasn’t because I didn’t have hope

I said what i did because they were true.  And. I could follow through

You know me well enough hopefully to think that when I say something, I mean it.  I don’t BS anything or say anything I don’t mean.

SO i meant that I need some time to work on myself.  So that we could be friends.  That’s why I reached out.

And maybe that would turn into something more again.   But I can’t work on myself and you can’t work on yourself for that sake.  it should be for the sake of ourselves.  So we can improve.

As a rebound, I know what it’s like to think that I’m playing second fiddle to someone who no longer was in the picture to my partner.  I was a replacement.  I was not that important to her.  And it just made things worse for both her and myself.

I feel a lot of things right now.  I was angry.  I feel hopeless.  I have a lot of anxiety, and I’m feeling very depressed.

I feel there is no more hope for me.  I feel so betrayed.

You never wanted for me to hurt myself.  I have many regrets and I don’t want to ever live with regrets.  Right now, I feel like a break up was a mistake because I am so desperate to feel a connection.  But then did I really make myself someone better than i think I was?  I am weak, and I am vulnerable.  

but i was worse off as a person because i was insecure and depressed and angry.  Now, I’m working on those things but if I got back together or gave myself the hope of that, I never would truly work on myself.  Me being with you is not making me a worse person.  I in my environment do not make myself better.

I think that people do not like to admit weakness.  People do not like to work on themselves.  Because experiencing pain and trying to truly understand yourself is difficult.  but it is necessary work.  I thought we knew this

We took this pandemic and meeting people outside very seriously.  But was I just playing a fool, limiting myself while you got to go and meet new people?

There is just this huge back and forth between anger and sadness.  Because in reality, you don’t mean to do any of the things that made me angry.  I don’t know if you are feeling weak and in pain.  If you are, you aren’t alone.  

I don’t know what you need.  I didn’t want to just tell you what you wanted to hear at the time.  I’m not just going to tell you that we can or are going to get back together because I didn’t know and I wanted to just make sure that we were able to work on ourselves.  You know that at the time, I really wanted to get back together with you too.  

Of course i did.  I didn’t want to lose this

but why did you cast me aside... 

I want to know why.  I want to know how you are.

But this is information i don’t need.  And i won’t expect you to tell me or wait.

But if you want to seriously talk, then maybe I’ll talk to you.  But after this, I don’t know if I’m ready.

I’m not ready for a relationship.  I want to be friends.  I didn’t lie about that.

And I still care.  but right now I don’t think I’m ready.  And I will talk to you to tell you that and discuss.

but i wasn’t lying to you.

and i don’t know if you want anything to do with me anymore

you probably don’t at all

you don’t care for me.

and that’s fine.

i don’t know how you feel, it’s all conjecture based on the depression that I feel.

but I’ll continue to work on myself.  and I can’t look to be in a relationship right now.

that’s so we are on the same page about where I’m at.

One of the things I do not like about the social media website is that even though I asked to not see her online on the platform, the website still let’s me know if she’s online, though not on the top of the messenger list

Instead, i always find myself scrolling down to see if she’s there

which is just compulsive behaviour at this point like i really need to stop

One of the best ways I’ve found to combat the anxiety is to focus on making music.  Producing songs even though i don’t know how to produce, sing even though i hate the sound of my own voice and i’m not that good at it

and though i didn’t intend it, most of the song choices that i like are all not very relationship/break-up friendly

they are all sad about relationship things once lost

and i think that’s just a little bit too on the nose sometimes

but the thing is is that those are the songs that i like

and also they just happen to resonate with how i feel

so what’s the problem?

I’m just using the music to distract me and to feel like i’m making something, the latter of which i’ve wanted to do for a long time.  and now i finally have more of an excuse instead of just being lazy

but i do want her to see

and know

if i’m more present in places she has to see, then I will remind her of what once was and what she missed out on

or at least, that’s what i tell myself to make myself feel better

I’ve been struggling with the song Giving Tree lately, because i really like it.  but the a cappella thing is not going well since i suck

but that song is very much how i feel, even though the situation is not that exact

but the song basically is telling the story of this guy who gave his partner everything until she basically kind of just threw it away for some other person

now, this isn’t super accurate as we broke up on our own accord, not because someone else was in the picture

but the same worthlessness remains

I feel like i’m in a position where I have been used up and she left me alone

The second verse is my entire range of emotions: wondering if she’s happy in this new thing (whatever that may be) and whether she feels like it’s worth it or if she’s happy or if it’s the right thing and if she’ll want to come back

and how would i feel if she did?

What do I want, truly want, to happen?

because the thoughts of just like, “what if she messaged me out of the blue?”

i honestly thought that’s what would’ve happened

is it weaker for a person to run to someone else to fill the void of lost relationships and the difficulty of the self growth process or is it weaker to run back and admit weakness?

is it weak to admit weakness?

I think true weakness comes from knowing what you need to do and running away from it entirely.  

not just dealing with the pain by doing something else, but really working through the pain

and in my experience, you can’t work through the pain my masking a previous relationship with another

it’s why i think rebounds don’t work for most people

and even though i feel this is the case for her, there’s nothing i can do or say that will make that the truth

it may be

but it also may be the case that she moved on faster

which is also kinda shitty for me because that reinforces the worthlessness in my head

but that’s her prerogative

and not mine

and i need to keep reminding myself that

i’m not alone

and talking to her right now will not help

but pain is hard to deal with on both sides

and i need to not be weak

I will have my moments of weakness.  and it will hurt.  and it’ll suck.  it’ll bea burden that that i inadvertently spread to the people around me because i need help

needing help is not weakness

asking for help is not weakness

is running back weakness?

how do i know that what i feel is truly what i want

i won’t know until time passes

until i’ve worked on myself enough to realize something

self-improvement is not a singular goal and it will continue until the day that we all die

what if running back is the best move for self-improvement?

i hate that these answers will never be known

but that’s okay

it will be okay

it is okay

I am not the biggest fan of fatalism even though that is what I want the world to be like

I both love and hate the idea of things that are meant to be

things happening for a reason

when the world is filled with entropy and chaotic events everywhere

the odds of having something, anything, meant to be is virtually 0.

and yet, the idea is so enticing?

the thought that i was supposed to be in this position because i need to learn something about myself

or that we were supposed to be together, we just haven’t reached that time yet

or that we aren’t supposed to be together and it was necessary to learn

but why the pretense of friendship?  why go through this pain when answers could just be told to us out of the strategy guide of life

does anything we do truly matter?

matter to whom?

things matter to different people and that will change how we perceive others’ actions

to me, her actions of deciding to see someone to some level after such a short time is devastating to me

and she probably thinks nothing of it

and that’s fine

it sucks

but things will be okay

you are not alone

things aren’t meant to be, that isn’t a concept to follow

but what is true is that you are meant to improve

you will find improvement through perserverence

through working through the pain

through admitting vulnerability and asking for help

and you will come out a better person for it

you feel as though you’ve already improved a lot

which may be true.  there’s no way you’ve regressed through this time and you know it

but self-improvement is not a singular goal

you are always improving because you are always working toward improving yourself

and it will make a difference

you make a difference because you are genuine and honest and work hard

and that’s what will matter in the future

you are strong

you have value

In 2020, the world came across another pandemic that pretty much has made life very difficult for everyone around the world. While we are all dealing with that, 2020 has had many more difficulties that has made life even harder: California wildfires, the increased police brutality and murders of African Americans in the US, the constant divide between the left and right, murder hornets, an election year without good ways to vote for everyone.  And more global and national issues.

And yet, for many, 2020 is just terrible for other personal reasons.  I have also fallen victim to this area.

When we broke up at the beginning of July, we spent the month thinking that we would continue being together until she left at the end of the month.  And at the end of month, I never said that we couldn’t be friends.  We cared about each other.  I just needed some time to address my personal issues.

I am not without my own problems clearly.  I had and still have serious difficulties when dealing with mental health.  I have a rage that I had difficulty dealing with.  I have poor reactions to overwhelming stress that lead me into deep depressions.

And I took the time, the two months, an albeit short amount of time.  to work on recognizing when I have these thoughts.  When I feel the rage.  Stress.  Depression.  And i’ve been focusing on addressing these problems.  And figuring out how to react to these.  And I haven’t had a fit of rage or depression really.  Because those are just thoughts that don’t manifest themselves.  

I thought I had made some real progress.  I never didn’t care about her.  

I find myself to be someone who doesn’t bullshit things.  If someone asks me something, I don’t tell them what they want to hear if it something that I truly care about.  When I said that we could still be friends after some time, I meant it.  When I said that there was a chance for us to get back together, I meant it.  I didn’t approach the break up thinking that we would definitely get back together but it would have been ignorant to think that I didn’t want to get back together at all.

But then I had to send her a message.  And she told me that she’s already seeing someone new.

And I feel all sorts of bad.

1. The initial feeling of betrayal: we spent 2.5 years together, almost 3.  And 2 months is not a long time.  and she started seeing someone already.  It was like all of that time, all of the love I shared, all of the cares I gave, meant nothing.  So easily cast aside.

2. The secondary feeling of incredulous anger: the rage comes through once I think about betrayal.  I want vindication.  I want her to know how she makes me feel right now.  I want her to know that her decisions are causing me the pain that she never wanted to.  I feel lied to.  Like nothing she said and felt was actually true.

3. The third feeling is one of worthlessness: all of the time I spent thinking about how to better help her, better love her, better care for her.  All of it seems so meaningless.  And if what I do with all of my time is meaningless, I am meaningless.  

4. Depression: seems pretty obvious.  I feel no hope.  In my experience, the women that I find any sort of interest in don’t find any interest in me.  To most women, I am a friend or an acquaintance.  I am a strange person but I act in the ways that make me feel good because I can make people laugh or show someone I can genuinely care.  I can be vulnerable because it helps to build relationships.  I don’t bullshit others.  I feel as though if I care for you at all, you’re getting the real genuine me.  So when the genuine me seems to be undesirable, I feel like there isn’t anyone out there for me.  Because the best that I can do doesn’t want me.  I should say the best that I have done so far.  But that just seems like so much that I’ve done amounting to nothing.

5. And lastly, the overwhelming anxiety: the one thing that I’ve learned that I want in life is to find that one person that I want to spend the rest of my life with.  It’s an oxymoron maybe.  Because you can’t search for that with that intention.  The idea of “one true love” or “soulmate” makes the idea of dating seem so stressful.  And without any hope of achieving the one goal that is already so stressful and difficult, I am feeling a physical manifestation of anxiety. The pressure in my chest, the spiral thought process, and the restlessness.

I only messaged her because I wanted to reconnect.  I wouldn’t have if I didn;t care.  But I do care.  because part of me does want to get back together.  Though I knew that it wasn’t going to be now.  Two months is not a long time.

two months

and she found someone to replace me in two months.

The salty side shall speak first in this next segment:

Boy do I wish that this is a rebound that’s doomed to fail.  I know her.  She has less of a resolve than I do when it comes to dealing with pain and using logic to reason things out.  

Yeah, that;s a shitty thing to think.  I want her to realize that anyone she could find during the short time she was dealing with break up is nothing.  Cannot help actually address the pain she feels.  

I want her to realize that who she found does not satisfy what she’s looking for.

I want to be who she’s looking for.

And I don’t want to be that person.  Because I feel betrayed.  She actively made a choice that actively hurts someone else.  I want her to know the pain she caused me.  She is not better off than me because she was able to find someone.  The two of them can’t even respect the fact that this relationship even happened.  So why should I care about her at all when she’s actively ignored this relationship?

The next segment is the side that feels no hope:

I want to run back to her.  Pretend nothing happened between us and just go back into it.  No one else deserves her because they don’t even fucking know how much work I put into this.  I know her.  I know what she likes.  I know how to take care of her.  I know the relationship we built.  And i don’t want to lose that.

I just want to make it so that we are happy and can live a happy life together.  Because we always had that potential.  And I always wanted to leave that possibility open.  I just needed some time.

Now, the realistic and rational side:

These are all likely thoughts that are manifesting because I said something to her.  She doesn’t want to be friends it seems.  She has her own life she’s living.

Going back to her right now WILL NOT HELP ME.  

repeat that phrase:

ANYTHING I WANT TO DO TO GIVE IN TO THE DARKER SIDES OF ME WILL NOT HELP.  GIVING IN DOES NOT HELP.  BEING ANGRY TO HER WILL NOT HELP.  

It sucks because I know the logic and reasoning.  Doing all of these things are giving in to this primitive human emotional side while doing the reasonable things to take care of myself in the future are more work on me but it will benefit me more.  But I’ve been doing that my entire life.  So many others are giving in to their emotional pain.  like they are on a tv show and there aren’t consequences.

How badly I want that for myself.  To live in a TV show so that I can live the drama without having it actually mean anything.  I would just know and then I can move past it. Because there is no real pain.

But that’s not rational. It doesn’t help me.

Two months is not a long time.  And maybe she’s just giving into the pain.  Which is sad.  I thought we were on the same page about staying home, not meeting people, dealing with pain and relationships.

I;m rationalizing trying to get back together because maybe I can help her with her pain.  She used logic and rationale to do what’s best for her before.  Is it because of me?  NOT LIKELY MOTHERFUCKER.  Even if that was true, she has to live her own life.  And deal with things for herself.

And that’s the only hope i have.  That salty feeling of hoping that who she has found now isn’t what she really wants.

And i don’;t want to think that.

but I do

What will help me?  moving on

how do I move on?  I need to keep living my life

I will post more music, work hard.

Maybe she will see them.  I’d be lying if i said that I didn’t care if she saw but I know i want her to see

But she;s likely made it so she won’t see.

am i supposed to make it so that she does see?

or try to make it so that she’ll come across it?

no, not likely

but that’s because the reason for posting anything is so that I can do something for myself

for my own sake

to help deal with my pain

in a more helpful way

to make something positive, something creative, to focus on something that helps with my own creativity

.

It’s only been a few days and I feel very overwhelmed.

I wake up at 6.  I take edibles at night because I can;t fall asleep anymore.

It’s exhausting

It’s amazing that some people are just able to sleep and have a good night’s rest

I am clearly not built that way.  I must have a crutch

I feel weak

it will take some time, but I will be stronger because of this

That’s the only truth

and one more time for the me at home:

Don’t give in.  It WILL NOT help.  

Thank you for coming to my TED talk, me.  I know you’re going through a hard time but people are here to talk, to support, and to love you.

You;re not alone.  It may feel like it right now, but you are not alone.

Someone is out there.  And you will be happier than you ever have been.  and ever will be.

You are strong.  You deserve happiness.  You are not worthless.  You are creative, fun, loving, caring, genuine and want the best for others.

Don’t let pain take that away from you.

And you;re not alone.

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

I rarely write anymore.

And it’s not like this had much of a purpose anyhow.  And I only really write here whenever I’m not feeling well.

But that’s the point now isn’t it?  To write out my feelings when I feel like i”m having the most trouble with things.

And that’s what it’s like right now.

It needed to happen.  

Because you want be happy.  And you want her to be happy.

You both know it

you both needed it

and you both agree

but that doesn’t mean anything will be any easier

dammit i really don’t want to feel those stupid thoguhts aabout 

ugh i miss when we did this or  i rmemeber when we first did this

or I will never know what it’;s like to feel liek this again

because as irrational as those thoughts really are, it’ll always come back to haunt us as humans.  like why does that even happen

why will we always long for something once we no longer have it?  even if we know it wasn’t the greatest thing for us

we will always want what we don’t have

that makes me questions the whole “don’t covet your neighbors shit” rule

like in the end, even if someone else doesn’t have it, the fact that we can’t or shouldnb’t have something makes it so that we want it even more

and that’s fucking dumb

I want to not remember anything for the next few weeks

because i want to be dead inside so i don’t feel the pain

the worst thing is that it wasn’t because we cared too little, because we did care/. and we want what’s best for each other

and it’s just a shitty feeling to know that after almost three years, we find out that we, in the place that we are at right now, are not what is best

even if what we had was pretty damn good

it just isn’t what we want for the future

because i’m an erratic and irrational and angry person who shouldn’t behave the way i do when I’m stressed, angry, and depressed

and i need to take care of myself without feeling so stressed out about everything

and i need to find someone who has that patience with me and can recognize those moments when I am the most sensitive

and can help me learn that i am not to blame for all of the shit that happens in my life because I just keep doing that

and she wants someone who she can start a family with

that can be secure

it just makes me feel more like I’m not

what’s wrong with me?

i feel like i can do so much more

but i feel like with her it’s also not the right time

i can do a lot

the last three weeks of being together has shown that without any pretense or without any sort of thing that is occupying what would otherwise be a happy relationship that I can be secure and in a happy relationship

and help take care of things, and just straight up be super supportive and strong willed and flexible and happy

i can be happy

but i couldn’t for some reason

and it’s only once all of this got out there that i could actually be happy

because i knew that it was going to end?

or because there wasn’t any pretense?

and i even though i knew it was going to end, that if I were my best self, then maybe she would be happy?

but wouldn’t htat just confuse me?

i feel like if i could do that then, why can’t i do that more in the future?

why couldn’t i do it before?

ibecause there was something wrong before

because if i kept up a facade for the rest of my life, things will have gone worse

we wouldn’t have been happy

and i want her to be happy

i want to be happy

but just because we could be happy for an instance

doesn’t mean that we would be without addressing these more serious issues

we were on the same page

but we weren’t always. all relationships are never always on the same page

what made this one any different?

why did i back out? because fundamentally we were lacking something that woulnd’t make us happy in the future

and we both know that

i need to take care of myself without focusing on all of the things that i think i’m doing wrong in a relationship that i only thing because i initially wanted something different

and without hte time to take care of myself, I wouldn’t continued that negative behaviour and sent myself down a spiral of self-loathing, and rage

and that is not a good family value

we both know this

and we both know that i can’t continue to be blaming myself

this is for the best

I appreciate my friends a lot.

they will be the reason i get through this

they remind me that i am not someone who is alone, i am not someone who is unconfident, i am not unattractive, i am not unapproachable, i am not uninteresting

i need this self confidence boost

and they are good friends

because they remind me that i can be someone better than what i have projected onto myself

they are good people

and i hate to do things to them

and burden them

but they are my friends

they will help me

because i would help them

and i would do my best for them

and they will do their best for me

i wish i could make more friends

but the ones i have right now i cherish

i want to reach out to them

and connect with them

because that’s more worth it than anything

I don’t really have much to say today.

I think I just want to test out a new keyboard.  Mechanical and it looks like a type writer but also has some nice lighting effects.

I’ll have to turn those off when I go to bed lest I don’t fall asleep at night.

That happens too often you know.

I don’t even know why it happens anymore.  I’ll just have to give it some time right?

I’m just a little bit upset that sleep is still affected even now.  I used to be able to enjoy so much coffee and still sleep fine.

I have melatonin but I don’t want to become to dependent on it.

My dependency is something that I don’t wanna encounter.

But i figure the better reason would be because of some stress induced or some anxiety induced thing.  But it’s been a while now and i felt like I made some significant improvements since then.

I mean i guess now there isn’t anything that would help out, there’s probably something even worse right now.  maybe not even worse.

it’s just a rough time right now so i can’t have that be a point of contention.

I guess right now is an exception to all of this.

But in general, everything is kind of rough in general?  I don’t really believe that.

Maybe it’s just having moved here.  It was a month to adjust to everything but now it’s like everything was adjusted to this discomfort of living here

it does suck a lot here so  i guess that would make sense

Maybe I just need to get out

with the new job offer, it would make a lot of sense to move out

maybe that would actually be really helpful

it won’t really help me in my current difficulty because of the move

I just gotta keep looking towards the future

I believe

I tell to everyone because i believe in other people

but maybe this is one of those things that I should believe in myself for once in my life

i don’t need other people to believe in me

I need to be able to believe in myself just like how I believe in other people

other people i think are much stronger, better, kind, nice, talented than I am

even if they are, i still need to believe in myself

that’s how it has to be

this keyboard is fun

the lcikity clackity is fun

though typing is kind of difficult but I’ll adjust right?

this’ll be fun

even if life is kind of a bitch right now, i;ll if anything take pleasure in the little things in life.  like typing on this keyboard

i’ll use this tumblr to be an excuse for me to type a buttload and click clack a lot more

or i just get into more pc gaming which is something I should do

but that requires getting a pc

and that’s more money

but the job would help with that huh

I think i’m just feeling depressed.

I dont’ know what’s up.  I think it’s the general lack of something

is the time when I’m over it when this feeling goes away?  or at least stops being constant

i just feel like everything is terrible but that’s not really news

I just don’t really get 

actually i only wrote that much because all of the things i was thinking i already know the answers to

it’s not that i’m smart.  it’s i’d be stupid to continue to think what i would

if i act on what i’m thinking, that’d be bad for me

i think

but what things are going to be good for me

i just don’t think there’s much of a future concerning my emotional stability.

but that’s just right now.

all of this is temporary

keep thinking of the future

keep moving ahead

Sitting here depressed playing the recorder is not how I imagined I would be right now.  I don’t even think anything is terribly wrong but I don’t really know how to feel.

I think I’m going about this the right way.  I know something’s inherently wrong, it’s why being broken up is the better way to go about it.  At least until you’ve gotten over it once and had the time to reset yourself.  But life is scary like that.  I can’t really predict what’s gonna happen in the future.

I think I’m selfish.  Because I want things to happen in the right way.  And the right way makes things nice for me.  Is that what it means for something to be right?  No not really, there’s not real right or wrong way.

But what does this mean?  There are at least social protocols to follow.  There has to be something that tells you what you can and can’t do.  But the way people work a lot of times defy social protocol. 

I’m afraid.

I don’t really know how to address what it is that I exactly fear.  I think it’s that I want to be in this relationship so much but I can’t really tell myself to just follow that.  Because something was wrong.  So it’s not something you can do.

There aren’t many people like her you trust like you did her.  It made it so easy.

I would be lying if I didn’t crave attention from women.  I don’t really know where that comes from though.  I think I come off creepy because of that.  Even though I think my intentions are just to get to know more people.  I want to think I’m trying to gain more perspective.

I fall under that stereotype of a giant nerd.  And I think I’m afraid of that.  It is inherently who I am.  I have a passions a few things and I like to explore the hell out of those things.  And it just so happens that those things aren’t like... social norms in the sense of what’s popular?  Idk what the right words for it are but I like music, I like gaming, and YouTube.  I like food.  But I’m just someone who likes to be unapologetic-ally myself.  And that person is very strange.  It’s not just me, that’s why I think that.

And that’s what I’m afraid of.  Because I don’t think other people in the future will like me in the same way that she did.  But fear is not a reason to go back into something that had an inherent problem.  The future does not yet exist.  It’s not something to be afraid of because it doesn’t exist.  It means you take precaution, I get that.  But then how do you achieve anything without taking risk?

Reasonable risk I mean

I mean it is a giant stereotype to think, that girls aren’t going to be interested in the things you are.  Like that doesn’t make sense.  I just have doubts I guess.

Why am I so afraid of not being able to find anyone else?

What did I really achieve in the relationship?

I still think that I like being in a relationship because the connection between two people in a romantic relationship is particularly special.  You’re not just friends.  You’re not even really best friends in the way you are with your best friend outside of a relationship.  You’re partners.  Who share anything. 

And I liked that.  I shared love and caring for the other person.  I shared meals, experiences.  Times spent staying at home watching TV, times spent driving to different places, times spent sleeping.  Times spent giving gifts, times spent talking.

But in this relationship, there was also times spent confused as to why I wasn’t doing enough.  Times spent thinking that I was trying to be better, to show more affection, to take more interests, to be open.  Times spent wondering why I was wrong.  Times spent frustrated because I had to admit defeat in order to diffuse a situation.  Times spent upset, and alone.  Making sacrifices to no avail.

That’s what relationships are but when you can’t achieve what the other person wants, you have to make compromises but if you can’t figure out why you can’t achieve those things, then something is wrong.  No place to start even thinking about compromise.

What do you want?

What did you want?

I wanted to support her.  To see her achieve the utmost joy.  But I also wanted her to experience things the way I wanted to.  I was stubborn.  Maybe that’s something to work on.  It’s my life.  but it’s also her life.  She needs to do things the way she wants to. 

I’m sure we all want something that we think we’ll always be satisfied with. There isn’t a good way to hope for happiness.

Happiness is fleeting.  “Do things that make you happy” is a quote that promotes hedonism and not thinking about your consequences.

Joy is everlasting.  Happiness fuels joy, yeah.  But the overall satisfaction will outweigh the bad and fleeting moments of happiness.  By finding what will bring you happiness eternally, you will outweigh the negative aspects of life.

It’s not to say that bad things won’t happen.  But I always see the happiest people who have shitty situations not freak out or anything.  These people who experience stress and can handle it much better.  I think it’s because they’ve found joy. 

or are medicated.

but that’s aside from the whole thing.

You have a lot to think about.  But I think you need to clear your head.  And fully get over it.

Is that selfish?  I think it’s selfish to want to be able to do that and then still think that she will be open if (not when like you first said) nothing else happens.

That’s selfish.  And even though all people are selfish, we don’t try to do those things.  because they’re bad.

It’s not something to hope for.  It’s like any other experience in life.  One opportunity not going your way just means that there is something better meant for you.  Just keep searching.  It’s tiring and it sucks.  But that’s how you get to better places.

It could be with the same person but there’s no hope relying on that.  And if it is the same person it doesn’t mean that giving up that opportunity was the wrong choice.  It is a new opportunity.  Completely different circumstances.

I hope this makes sense.