The Mess I Made

All posts below this one are from Uproar!

I guess that's it then. No more hooking up, no more hanging out, no nothing. But still performing together, as if nothing happened. How the fuck am I supposed to do that? I don't want this. I just want her. That's it. And I don't understand why this has to be so difficult. I hate to say this, but, I can't wait for tour to be over. Maybe then the feelings will go away, if they really can. I don't know if they ever did, but they're definitely back with full force now. I wish I couldn't feel anything. Maybe I should ask Jack to get drunk with me.

This goes so far beyond hooking up. I spent the night in her bunk the other night after we hung out, but we didn't sleep together. We just...spent time together. Like we used to, before everything got complicated. Hooking up is nice, but I appreciate those times so much more. But, those moments just complicate it further, and then I ask all sorts of questions. Does she feel the connection I feel? If she does, why won't she let us be something more than fuck buddies? Why do I miss her when she's not around? Why do I feel like my heart has always led me back to her?

She figured out the song we keep singing together is about her. It turned out okay, but I'm sure it didn't help our case. I just wish I could talk to her. We used to be exceptionally close back in the day, and that was what caused the feelings that complicated things in the first place. Tay. My slow burn. The cause of so much heartache. I hope we can be okay, either by eliminating feelings or by addressing them. Either way...I'm trying to hope for the best.

"We were drunk and we had sex. There isn't a meaning. That's it." I really do hear you loud and clear. You want to ignore that it happened and move on. I get it. It's the professional thing to do. But I'm not a professional. I'm a dude who can't ignore that the other night meant something huge to me. I guess I should just ignore it though. Follow your example. No guarantees that I can.

Well, son of a bitch. Gossip got the word out before I've even had a chance to talk to Tay. Yup. That's gonna help me talk to her and not make her hate me at all. Jesus Christ.

God, my head's in a tailspin. And for once, it's not the hangover I've been fighting. I just. Fuck. It's like I'm right back in the middle of a summer fling, the summer I never wanted to end. I guess what I'm freaking out about is that it feels like nothing's changed. Two years and it still seems the same. Same beautiful girl. Same, intense nights together. Same feeling still lingering every time I see her face or think about it. About us. When I woke up this morning, Tay was gone. We fell asleep in my bunk after we had sex, but she wasn't there when I woke up. And I was a little disappointed, but I'm trying to assume that she just didn't want us to get caught. I need to talk to her, to sort this out. There's no way that was meaningless, right? After all we've been through, it can't be. But I don't know what to think, or what she thinks. I'm going to try to talk to her, and hope for the best. I just hope that's he best thing to do right now.

I hate my stupid head. I swear I've had the same nightmare every night for the last week, but I don't know why. Like, why now? Why is it back at such full force? I can't sleep. I don't want to see the same thing I've seen thousands of time. I know what happened. I know that I hurt someone and left them there without any help. Why do I need to remember it all the damn time? I hope I can get some sleep tonight. I need to rest up before tour kicks up. It just might be difficult to do that in time.