今日は

I haven’t done Tumblr for a hot second because I’ve been busy with life and I completely forgot how to even do anything, but I want to just vent so sorry for the lack of hiding my angsty post. I don’t have anyone or anywhere else to vent and I figure that I don’t have any followers that would even catch this, let alone read.

I just feel so un-loved. Even with the people I know love me, I feel like they just don’t. I’ve always put people ahead of myself and when I rely on them for help, they never do it.

My best friend of 10 years leaves me with broken promises. I can’t remember a single time when she has had my back with anything. I would bend over backwards if anyone, even someone else I loved dearly, would try to hurt her though I know from multiple past experiences that she wouldn’t do the same. I’m just done trying and it hurts to know that I’m throwing away 10 years, but she has other best friends that she will build 10+ years with and I do too.

I never felt loved by my mom. No matter how much I’m successful, the fact that I am gay is a huge disappointment to her. It’s always an elephant in the room. My sister tries to get me to be more open with her about it because she’s told my sister that she refuses to acknowledge it. It shouldn’t be my responsibility to try and get her to love me because she should already love me to begin with. When I want to talk about my personal life, I always have to be on eggshells and it’s fucking with me mentally. It makes me feel uncomfortable to even talk about my girlfriend to anyone because I know it makes my mom uncomfortable.

My girlfriend bailed on me for the fifth time. Our schedules don’t sync up so it’s hard to even spend time with her. But she never tries to come out to where I live and it fucking sucks. She would keep pushing the time of when she would come out and then she would cancel on me last minute. Her excuses are legitimate, but it still stings every time she does it despite that I know it’s going to come. After she canceled on me today, she asked if we could talk on the phone and when I asked her at what time, she texted me back a few hours later and said that she’s too sad and wants to be alone. I just get sad when I just keep getting canceled on. It really takes a toll. I need to talk to her about it and I will in the near future if we ever see eachother in person ever again.