hisblinders

“ what have we done to each other? “

“ if you don’t talk, i’ll fill silence with: an excruciating story by ____. “

“ i’m so crazy, stupid happy. i met a boy. “

“ i prefer men who are funny, not ‘funny’. “

“ so tell me, ____. who are you? “

“ you know i have to kiss you now. “

“ i’m not someone who hits the panic button but—it’s weird, right? “

“ perfect, time for a quick tour of my failings. “

“ i love having strangers pick at my scabs. “

“ you surprise me. you challenge me. “

“ i go there for the quiet. “

“ everyone told me—and told me and told me—marriage is hard work. “

“ sometimes i want to punch us in the face we’re so cute. “

“ i feel sick. it’s just so bizarre. this is exactly the kind of thing that would happen to ____. “

“ i’ve sworn to never be one those wives. i think i’ve done a good job. “

“ let’s swear we will never be like them. “

“ we have each-other—everything else is background noise. “

“ ____, i don’t get it. it’s like you’re daring me to be someone i don’t want to be. “

“ that’s very sweet of you and very unnecessary. “

“ everyone is studying me, everyone is projecting their bullshit onto me. “

“ i’m going to go benadryl myself to sleep. “

“ you’re happy to be home, but i don’t know if you’re happy i’m with you. “

“ i feel like something you loaded by mistake. something to be jettisoned if necessary. something disposable. “

“ i feel like i could disappear. “

“ can you at least say you love me? “

“ i love you. but, sweetheart, we have to be real careful right now. “

“ i don’t want to fight. i just want to be with you. that’s all. “

“ i went from desperate to pathetic. i became someone i don’t even like. “

“ you’re really just going to walk out now? you are such a coward. “

“ we can’t go on like this. i won’t. “

“ promise me we’ll talk every day from now on. no matter what. “

“ you’ve been lying to me for over a year. “

“ i was so scared for you before. now… i’m fucking petrified. “

“ for valentine’s day, i thought i’d buy a gun. that’s how crazy i’ve become. “

“iI’d have to tell them the truth. and i don’t even know if i believe the truth. “

“ can i really think ____ would hurt me? i’m being paranoid. crazy. “

“ you have to fucking talk to me! “

“ i just don’t believe you anymore. “

“ ____, why have you kept this stuff? it’s like a little box of hate. “

“ i’m not going to be scared anymore. “

“ i’m so much happier now that i’m dead. “

“ you took my pride and my dignity and my hope and my money. you took and took from me until i no longer existed. that’s murder. “

“ you loved a girl i was pretending to be. “

“ i will admit: for someone who likes to win, it’s tempting to be the girl every guy wants. “

“ i made you smarter, sharper. i inspired you to rise to my level. i forged the man of my dreams. “

“ we were happy pretending to be other people. we were the happiest couple i knew. “

“ you actually expected me to love you unconditionally. “

“ you think i would let you/____ destroy me and end up happier than ever? no fucking way. you/____ doesn’t get to win. “

“ you need to learn. grown-ups work for things. grown-ups pay. grown-ups suffer consequences. “

“ i don’t know how decent i feel. “

“ that’s the most disgusting thing i’ve ever heard. “

“ sure i believe you! it’s just the craziest thing i’ve ever heard. “

“ you’re reading it again? you know how it ends. “

“ ever heard that phrase, ____: the simplest answer is often correct? “

“ knowing you were out there was the only thing that’s kept me going these past few years. “

“ why are you so good to me? “

“ why is it that when i need someone to save me, i always think of you? “

“ come. you’re staring at ghosts. “

“ ____ brings out the best in me. “

“ you are so good to me. and i am so exhausted. “

“ i’m so happy you’re here. and i don’t want you to worry for one moment. “

“ you’ll be very safe. i won’t let you get away again. “

“ you scared me. don’t do that. i need to feel safe. “

“ come home, ____. i dare you. “

“ stay with me. i don’t want you to go away/ “

“ you fucking bitch. “

“ stop pretending. “

“ i’m not pretending. you were perfect. “

“ you’re a murderer, ____. “

“ i’m a fighter. i fought my way back to you. “

“ you begged for me to save your life on national tv. and i obliged. “

“ if two people love each-other and can’t make it work, that’s the real tragedy. “

“ remember: don’t turn your back. “

“ i’d never hurt you. i do need you to participate though. that’s fair, right? “

“ you can’t make me raise a child with you, ____. i don’t love you. “

“ we are toxic. we complete each-other in the sickest possible way. “

“ you think you could ever be happy with a nice, normal woman? no, * baby. i’m it. i complete you. i’m the only one who can. “

“ i’ve killed for you. “

“ you’re breaking my heart. “

“ i was with you before you were even born. “

𝐁𝐄𝐃 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒.  @hisblinders​

𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐓𝐂𝐇 𝐎𝐅 𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐖𝐀𝐘  turned to twisting mountain roads,  holden started checking roadside signs for lodging.  

driving through appalachia in the daylight hours is hard enough,  but dodging semi - trucks and tight curves on the moonlight lit mountain roads has holden clutching the steering wheel so tightly his hands tremble.  awhile back up the road,  holden had turned the radio down to static fuzz while bill slumped in the passenger seat.  now,  he craves the distraction of music or talk radio  —  anything to block out the sound of his own thundering pulse in his ears.

finally,  a mile marker lists a roadside motel and soon,  their car rolls into the parking lot.  the motel’s sign greets them in blinking neon.  when holden puts the car in park,  he jostles bill by pressing his fingers to his shoulder.   ❝ — i’m going to get us a room for the night, ❞   he explains to bill,  who’s confused expression is cast in flashing red,   ❝ — we’ll make it tomorrow.  we’ll just need to get up early.  ❞

as holden leaves the car and walks to the shopfront, he swears he can see bill turn over and fall back asleep in the passenger seat.  they haven’t been on the road together much since atlanta  —  bill has been working closer with ted in quantico while holden has been sent out left and right until they have more agents trained.  this drive,  marking their first interviews together since atkid,  has been filled with awkward,  long silences and tense squabbles.   but bill does not have the same intensity he had carried with him in georgia.  instead,  he just seems tired.

bill still wears his wedding ring.  holden thinks,  mostly to avoid the questions he would receive if he took it off.  there were tells long before holden found bill’s rolodex opened to the card of a divorce attorney  —  he’s withdrawn,  smoking now more than ever,  and he spends more time in the office than even holden.  despite this,  bill hasn’t mentioned it and holden is waiting for him to tell him.  though,  after how things went in atlanta,  he’s not sure he’s ever going to be privy to the details of bill’s private life again.

as soon as holden has their room key in hand,  he marches back to the car to fetch bill.  sure enough, he finds him sleeping in the passenger seat.   ❝ — hey,  let’s go inside, ❞   he says,  stirring him again as he grabs their bags.  

the motel is a single level structure with no more than twelve rooms.  holden turns their key marked 6 in his hand before leading bill to their room.  as soon as the door opens,  holden balks  —  fuck.  the conversation with the clerk had been quick as holden was so eager he practically threw money at him to get their key.  

but now, one thing he said sticks out in his mind: only one room left.

❝ — he said this is all they have,  ❞    holden explains quickly as he pushes the door open with his foot.  as soon as bill follows in,  holden watches as his tired expression drops.

❝ you’re telling me this is the only room they had left  ?  ❞

❝ — that’s what the clerk said,  ❞  holden says as he sets their bags atop a small table in the corner.  his fingers press to his temples as he glances as the lone queen bed in the center of their room.   ❝ — it’s just one night, ❞   he rationalizes as he checks his watch,   ❝ — and it’s already past midnight.  let’s just try to get some sleep.  we have to be up in six hours anyway if we’re going to stay on schedule. ❞

after a weighted pause,  bill sighs,   ❝ — let’s just lay facing away from each other and pretend this isn’t happening.  ❞

they lay in the dark on their respective sides of the bed.  it takes no more than five minutes for bill to speak out in the darkness,   ❝ —  you know, you snore, right  ?  ❞

holden rolls his eyes as he turns so his back is away from bill,   ❝ — we’ve shared hundreds of rooms together and you slept through my snoring just fine. ❞

❝ —  it’s different when it’s right next to me, ❞  bill complains and holden doesn’t respond.  he only pulls the stiff,  floral blanket up around his shoulders and squeezes his eyes shut.  he pulls his knees up to his chest,  breathing in deeply as he tries to will himself to sleep.

but not before bill tugs the blanket from his grip,   ❝ — stop stealing the blanket ! ❞

❝ i’m not ! ❞    holden whines as he pulls it back from bill but only manages to get back a quarter of what he had before.  again,  holden tries to fall asleep. at this rate,  he hopes he’ll pass out from sheer exhaustion.  beside him,  he can feel the warmth emanating from bill’s body.  with the cool mountain air creeping into the room,  it is difficult not to seek out his heat.

*

❝ — get your cold feet off of me !  ❞

holden jolts,  waking up to a kick to his thigh.  he blinks,  time catching up with him as he’s pulled out of sleep.  the digital clock on the nightstand mocks him  — blinking 4:08.  they’re going to need to be back on the road in two hours and now,  thanks to bill,  he’s wide awake.

fingers scrub over his face as he groans,   ❝ — jesus christ, bill.  you’re making this worse than it has to be. ❞  holden pulls the blankets up around his shoulders again,  shoving his head into the pillow as he tries to go back to sleep.  but he doesn’t expect for bill to let him get the last word.

he’s quiet for a moment  —  almost long enough for holden to think he’s going to be able to fall back asleep. suddenly the bed creaks as bill moves,  turning over so he’s facing holden’s back.  he’s closer now;  holden can nearly feel his breath against the nape of his neck.

❝ — i’m sorry. ❞

the apology hangs between them in the dark.  at first,  holden thinks he’s apologizing for waking him up but the longer he holds onto the silence,  he knows it is much more than that.  he swallows before he, too,  rolls over so he’s facing bill on the bed.  even in the dark,  he can see the way his face is pulled into a stern,  hard frown.

holden opens his mouth to speak but bill beats him to the punch,   ❝ — i haven’t had anyone in my bed in a very long time.  ❞

the tight pull of his jaw is fixed.  holden shuffles his pillow under his head so bill can see how his eyes are open and attentive.  the statement says more than their awkward,  obligatory small - talk has in the last couple months.  it is more than bill snapping at him on the water’s edge,  laying his family issues bare.  and the longer holden stays quiet,  the more he’s able to read in bill’s expression as it slowly softens in the soft light from the clock.

I believe that what we’re doing is important. We’re studying psychopaths. What they do and why has always been of keen interest. 

Yes, shipping does need chemistry between the two muses, but if you look at my muse and think ‘You know what, I’d like to ship my muse with theirs!’, feel free to tell me, even before we start threads!

I love having a direction/goal to work the characters towards – when I write fiction on my own, I like having goals and plot points, like romances, family and friend relationships, rivals and enemies.. why wouldn’t I like having the same with RP? RP is just collaborative fiction writing!

There’s no shame in liking ships, or even RPing for ships. There’s tons of people in the world who love to read romance novels, and no one tries to tell them that’s wrong or worse than liking mysteries, or fantasy adventure. Neither preference is wrong, it’s just that – a preference!