Hash it Out with Me

I know it's not what you want, but it's the best I can give you. I don't know what else I can do for you right now...

You beg for help, then ghost me. I offer something: my time, an entire day, and you ghost. Fine.

I gave you the choice to accept it or not. Your silence is damning.

I'll give you until at latest tomorrow morning to respond.

If not, I'm off to the city, and I'm going silent. I can't keep getting yanked around like this.

Just fucking stop.

I WISH YOU WOULD APPRECIATE AND CARE WITH AS MUCH FERVOR AS YOU DID FOR YOUR EX.

I WISH YOU WOULD MAKE THE TIME LIKE YOU DID FOR HER.

I WISH...I wish...

But you won't. You never will.

We've been talking again. He apologized for how he behaved, and he recognized that he was very much in the wrong. His mind snapped and he feels awful about it. Meanwhile, I've been feeling awful for how I've been feeling...

This happens a lot. This back and forth. We love and care for each other so deeply that we keep coming back to each other somehow. His ex is also creeping around. I helped him fight her off. Screw her. She claims she misses him, but he knows better than to go back to her. Thank God.

I'd sooner be the fake girlfriend to keep her at bay. Sigh.

In another life. Don't get me wrong. I am madly in love with my husband and I don't know what I'd do without him.

But in another world...I'd marry Tyler. I would be his and none of this madness would be happening. I don't think so, anyway. But we are talking at least. We have reconnected, and I'm trying to talk him into spending the day with me tomorrow in the city. I have some work to do, and I know he has projects of his own. If I could just get him out for the day...that would mean something. A day. Just the two of us. Or the two of us working separately, so he could have some peace to decompress. That's something I could give to him. He hasn't decided one way or the other.

Ugh. I want to comfort him so badly right now... He needs me. I wish I could be there... I'll give him the entire day tomorrow if he'll let me. Just him and I. A reconnect day. I already have the whole day blocked anyway, and I to told him I would give him dibs on however much of the day he wanted from me. As many times as we've gone around...I'm still the one that has stayed for him, despite how he has treated me. I recognize now that it was his mental illness talking.

He's not alone. It really is a pity I cannot marry him. I feel like I would be the one that could be with him...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I refused to hear you. I'm sorry I have been a burden. An obligation. For asking more of you than you could handle.

These last few days have been a warning. I'm not the person you need, nor have I ever been.

I'll step back for good this time. Friends in times of need, no more than that. Any more, and you might explode again.

I did this. I pushed you over the edge. You'll talk to others, but not to me. I hurt you.

You don't know how much it's killing me right now. How guilty I feel. How much I want you back...

But I know. Reconciliation will not be easy. It's killing me, but it will pass. I know our friendship is dying. Maybe it's for the best.

I don't know what you want anymore. Except that you don't want the closeness.

That's fine. You never asked for it.

We'll go completely backwards. On call. Limited messaging.

It's almost like I was never here. Almost. No more shows. No more parties. No more meetups that stress you out.

Let me disappear into the background and never bother you again. Never stress you again. Never make you feel hurt or pain ever again.

I was never here.

I failed you.

He has been completely silent. I'm not giving in and messaging him, even though he claimed he needed me just yesterday. I won't do it.

If he wants space, space is what he gets. He is teaching me a lesson, and that is...he not a "go-to" kind of friend. He is "once in a while" friend.

But me? I'm the one that gets used. I'm the "go-to" friend for him, but it can't go the other way.

So. This is how it must be. I'm the usable friend.

My love...is shattered. Completely. I'm in mourning for the friendship that was. He's pushing me far enough away that I cannot love him like I did anymore. It's not possible.

I'm useful. Otherwise, worthless. I'm on constant standby.

I honestly don't know what happens from here...how many days it will take before he says something to me. How many weeks before we can see each other again. If he even wants to see me again.

I can't do shows in this area now, if he will be in them. "What I once used to dream, I now dread."

I'm heartbroken. I'm utterly destroyed by this turn of events. I'm fucking wrecked and destroyed.

Of course, I want him back. But not like this. If this is how our friendship is going to be, then all love has been destroyed and killed. He might still love me. But he's going to find out just what this has cost him.

He's going to find out that Abigail is not only gone, she is dead. Gone. Never to be seen again.

This period of absolute silence will make him see what he is losing.

I hope he's happy with it.

I will keep my promise. I won't message him, ask to see him, make any plans that involve him leaving his home. I won't ask anything of him, like messages or anything like that. The ball is completely in his court from now on. I will simply be on standby if he needs me.

Once in awhile, I'll message him to see how he is doing. Maybe once a week to start. God, that was painful to type... Once a week. Touch base by text. Give an account of the week, open the floor for him. Then, back to the quiet.

I am nothing more than an obligation, so I shall treat him as one.

A weekly check in by text. No more good mornings. No more love. No more anything that might imply he must do more than he wants to.

I won't ask anything of him. I won't take him anywhere. I won't ask to see him or do a show with him.

He has made it very clear that he does not want to purse a real friendship with me, or anyone else, because it is impossible for him.

So it's done.

I'll make this known when we start talking again. This plan. This weekly plan. Or, I won't. I'll just implement it and see where it goes. See how long it takes him to notice. I'm done being played with. I've heard him loud and clear. Our friendship is no longer worth fighting for. My soulmate is dead. I have been destroyed for the last time.

Let everything between us die. Maybe one day, it will rebuild. But it's not now.

Of course, I miss him. Of course I want things to go back to normal... But too much damage has been done.

Ending our meetups because they're "too stressful"? Please. Theatre is clearly his out. Being with people is his out. But the person who cares for him the most?

Chopped liver, apparently.

I changed the name for this blog so he can no longer find it. I can vent here and he will never know.

I can't believe...everything has lead to this point.

My heart has been so badly bruised and damaged I don't even know how to move on and heal from this.

12 years ALMOST TO THE DAY, I have been betrayed and left by a soulmate.

I know it's not forever, but my trust is shattered right now, and he'll have to work hard to earn it back.

Seeing how much he's put into our friendship so far...hah. I don't think it's going to go anywhere again.

He still tries to make it all about him. His distance. His excuses.

Alright then. I guess I'll have to spread the word about why our friendship is on the rocks, and warn anyone else what will happen if they want to be his friend. Maybe they're taking it differently. It's different for each person.

But considering that I'm even out of the loop this time for his cycle of depression...it's curtains for me.

I'm so broken, I don't know how we come back from this. I'm realizing that he might be pushing me away for good.

If the meet ups, as few as there were, stop completely....that's it.

I'm reduced to a backup friend.

He said he needed me just yesterday...yet hasn't spoken to me since. Fuck this. I don't deserve this.

He will have to do a lot to earn my good graces again. I can't stand this pain and silence anymore.

I deserved it, yes. I'm just like everyone else who has disappointed him. I'm another in a long list of disappointments.

So fine. Let him enjoy his solitude. Let him figure out his life on his own.

I tried. Everything I fucking could.

And it wasn't enough. He wasn't enough for me.

He cancelled all our meetups. He said they were "too stressful". He also said he needed space and wanted to be alone. It was "nothing against me".

He'll make time for rehearsals, but not for his so called "best friend".

Alright, then.

I lost it. I broke my phone, felt like I was the worst friend in the universe. I screamed, I cried, then said goodbye for now to him. Tyler responded almost instantly that he changed his mind and needed me.

That was over 24 hours ago. He hasn't needed me since. As expected. He clearly changed his mind again. Because of course he did.

Before my phone broke, I blocked his number. It will remain blocked until I decide to unlock it again. I've been using Facebook to keep the line open.

This morning, I wrote an email to his pastor with more details and asked if he could check in on him. He promised he would. I am out of options. And this is the last thing I'll be able to do for him.

Right now, I am licking my wounds in the corner, defeated, cursing myself for ever having met this man. My involvement in his life has caused me nothing but pain. It's putting a strain on me and my marriage, and it's all be one, big mistake.

Nothing has changed. Nothing is changing. He is just as poor off as he was before. All of this is happening around the anniversary of when my soulmate ditched me 12 years ago.

And it's fucking happening again. All over again, but in a different scenario.

He doesn't need me that much, clearly. But I'll be here. I won't anticipate. This could take days. Weeks. Longer. I'm afraid I've already lost him. Oh well.

That's what I get for loving too much. That's what I get... It's just as well. If he loves me that much, it's better that he drops me. His promise to me is dissolved.

Sweet God, I've. gone too far...

I changed the name of my blog so he cannot find it, and I won't tell him what new name I put.

Sweet God...he was entertaining the thought...no, no, no, no...

I did this.

I pushed him.

I did this to him, and I will never forgive myself...no...

I can't. I can't be the one who pushed him to do something like that when I was the one who saved him.

No.

Please, no.

I can't lose him. Not now, not ever.

I just...no, no, no....NO.

I love him. Too FUCKING MUCH.

I won't let him...I don't think he will, but he must...oh, God...he must live. He has to prove to everyone that he can, that he has so much to live for...

But as for me, I'm done pushing him.

I'm done asking for more.

Will it ever be enough for me? No.

But is it worth shutting the FUCK UP in order to save his life? Yes.

I can deal with it if it means that he lives.

I can't be selfish anymore.

I'll be quiet. I'll be good. I won't complain anymore.

My pain is nothing compared to what he is going through, and never will I complain again. He won't hear another word.

That's why I changed the name of my blog.

He can't find it now when he types it in.

Here, I can let all of my feelings out safely and not risk him trying to end it all...

I'm so scared I'm afraid to sleep.

Afraid of what I will wake up to tomorrow.

We need to make a plan. Our plan.

And stick to it.

It will be the time we have for each other, and the rest will fall into place.

I can't be selfish anymore.

He MUST live.

I won't be the one to push him there. I will save him again.

I have to.

We've come this far, I won't...I won't.

I'm so fucking terrified....I'm scared I won't hear from him again.

And my last things I said to him were of fear and selfishness.

I AM SUCH AN IDIOT.

What have I done...and how will I come back from this?

I'm so terrified, scared...I've texted him practically blowing up his phone with messages telling him how much I love him and how much I care. Promising anything if he'll only stay alive...

I will do anything. Whatever the cost to me.

My selfishness is not worth his death or pain.

Curse that I was ever born. Curse me for ever feeling this way.

He is enough. I must accept that.

He does enough. I am grateful.

I will be more grateful. I can't let myself fall into this madness anymore.

God, save him...help him, keep him alive at all costs.

Don't take him...I need him. We all do.

Give me a heart of bravery. Of courage.

The journal is dead to him for good.

No more will he feel terrible by reading it. This is for my eyes alone.

I'm sorry, John...I can't apologize enough.

I love you. I love you...I love you, I love you....please live. For me. For you.

I won't push you anymore. I'm done with that.

Thank you for making time for me today. I told you what I needed to say, at least enough to get the conversation rolling again. I hope we can continue it over the coming week. You heard me today. You listened.

I'm sorry I was standoffish today. There was so much that I was excited to share with you...but I wasn't sure if it was worth saying. All of the times I've tried to share things in text, and they got ignored. Me being disappointed too often when I know I shouldn't...it's been building up and weighing heavily on my heart.

Despite all of that, I have missed you. Terribly. Every single day. If I could have stayed in your arms longer today, I would have. I wouldn't have cared how it looked to anyone else. I finally had my John back. Abigail, who was dying of grief, was restored by your healing love.

I've been so scared...the distance and the silence was killing me in ways I can't fully express. The pain still lingers. It hurts.

And the fact that you can't fix it yet makes it worse because I feel like I have no right to complain. I'm aching and I can't fully stop it because I know it's going to happen again.

Not for lack of trying to believe otherwise. I am trying, darling. With everything I have left in me.

You reassured me that you aren't going anywhere. I believe you. I believed you when you said you missed me too. I know how hard it is to express that over text messaging. What little we've had. Our conversations have been so short, yet I cling to every word.

Because they're all I have. Those few words and the hope of your promise and love for me.

I'm trying so hard to be patient, to help you see just how much you mean to me. How much I value conversation with you, and that I have time for you.

I know you don't have the same time for me. It's painful, but that's reality right now. I've learned to live with it, but not without pain.

What I've tried to do is push you, prove to you that there is time. No excuses. No reasons why it can't be done. You are worth fighting for, even if the Devil says I shouldn't. But..my trauma is returning...my soulmate, abandoning me. Again. I am begging you. Please...don't throw me out.

I know that's not what you're doing, but it feels like it every day. You say you love me, then you go silent. You say you care, then stop. Your needs overshadow mine. Every single time. I get it, there's a balance to all that.

But I don't feel like your best friend and soulmate, John. I feel important enough to be in the loop, loved enough to stay near you, then tossed aside when things are comfortable enough. For you.

It made me feel like anything I wanted to say didn't matter. I almost didn't want to share my news today because I didn't think you wanted to hear it. I didn't think you would be as excited about it as I was. That the news wouldn't be important enough. Or you wouldn't care enough to see I had a solution to ease the pain of us being apart so much... I don't want it to be that way.

Please...please...my heart can't take it. When I said Abigail was dying, I meant it. She wasn't sure if John cared anymore. So desperate is her love for him that she wanted to die.

Abigail loves you, John... I love you, damn it. I don't care if my level matches yours or not. It's there. It's not dead. It's very much still alive. I love you. I will fight for you. I will defend you.

My soulmate. My dear friend, one of my dearest loves. I'm not letting you go. I will fight for you til my last breath. I will love you. I will be at your side until death.

I've trusted you. I've believed in you and in our bond. I need to know that you believe in it as much. I'm in tears now as I'm writing this. I want to get even closer to you than ever, to truly know you. I want this ache in our hearts to go away for good and all. We simply cannot bear it anymore. So, let's not. Let's see what the next week brings, what next Sunday brings. I love you, always, John. Until we meet again, I am, as I ever was and ever shall be, yours.

Thank God.

This whole distance thing has helped me see just how Tyler loves me. How wrong I've been, how all of this has been right in the end.

Yes, feelings have settled. But they have not gone away. I still long to be with him, to talk face to face. I crave conversations, his voice and his laugh.

Just like I used to with C.

My love for Tyler remains, and it will never die. John rescued his Abigail in the end, and she is happy beyond measure.

This summer is going to bring some amazing things and help strengthen our friendship.

And...I finally get to see him tomorrow. After 2.5 weeks. Finally. He is excited too, in his own way. I'm just glad he's happy about it.

We haven't had a moment of our own in a month, at Dylan's behest. But that will end. I have plans to strengthen us, while doing things that benefit us.

I would like him to become my new gym buddy after DD leaves for college. That by itself allows us twice a week to see one another.

Church is another one, though not weekly. Bi weekly I hope, either at his church or mine. And hopefully, we can do another show together. I want that most of all.

I didn't know I would miss him this much...

It reminds me of C. Even after we broke up, we talked every single day. Texting, phone, and met up a couple nights a week. We stayed so close.

Tyler and I aren't quite there yet. But with my ideas in place, it can be.

A routine. Something to hold him accountable, and myself as well.

It's my grandest idea yet. And I'm praying it works.

God, I miss him...I wonder if he misses me as much. I think he does.

It hurts...but not for much longer. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I see him. Hug him. Tell him all of these things...and I hope he is joyful to hear them.

I need tomorrow to come faster. I need to see him...my John. Light of my soul.

I wish...I wish so much. I'm trying. You are doing incredible things.

I'm waiting for my turn.

I'm grateful for the times it is my turn, even if it's usually to vent, or something that revolves around you.

You rarely ask after me unless I start acting off. I get it. I ask for too much. It's always too much.

I want more of you. Of your time, your affection, your devotion. I want more of you than I am allowed to ask for.

But your fatigue, your inability to manage time, robs me. And you.

I've asked, selfishly, many times. I have tried everything to accommodate you. Asking less, asking more. Being less, being more present. Pushing back, pushing away. Being quieter.

Trying to be content when all I want is to hear your voice. Trying to be content when the distance is too much. Trying to be happy with what you give, even though I give way more than you do and I am always disappointed.

No matter what I do or what I change, nothing I do is right! It makes me want to just drop into the earth and die.

You get everything. I give you everything. More than I want to just to keep things moving. I'm...just here.

Sometimes, you come through. The last couple of days have been full of all kinds of things. For you. But for me, I'm unsure and sad.

I miss you. I'm not sure you miss me the same way anymore. Your language has changed. It is back to complete friendship. No affection. No love. Just you.

I get it. It never should have been about love. I never should have loved you. I couldn't help BUT love you, at the end of the day. I don't know how to ask about it. How to ask where John has gone.

Abigail is dying of heartbreak, and I am about to let her pass away. What's left of her.

Abigail is dying, Her body weak and frail. It's wracked with pain and sorrow, For mercy, does she wail.

She begs for peace, for understanding, Forgiveness for her wrong. She's pleading for her life. She doesn't have long.

Abigail is dying. Her heart is slowing still. She keeps on waiting for you. But you never will.

The soul link was the one thing That could keep the bond secure. She thought that you were certain. Now, she's not so sure.

Abigail is dying. Her breath a painful moan. She calls for you, but you hear not. She's dying alone.

Her soul and heart are injured, Almost beyond repair. You thought that you could fix them. Instead, you tossed and left them there.

Abigail is dying. Her eyes half open, waiting. She hopes you will return to her. She prays, anticipating.

"Return, return, come back to me, Make peace before you go. Or come back now to rescue me, And save me from this woe."

Abigail is dying. She waits with hope and fear. She's waiting for you, John. Please, will you appear?

The hope of freedom. The baited breath of anticipation. Long awaited. Long prayed for. The excitement. The waiting. The joy of what is coming.

All for you. It was all for you.

I'm dying slowly, One at a time. The shame. The selfish wants. There can't be more. There's none to give. There was never more. It was always you. All about you. Everything I do is for you. For your focus. For your future. Killing me slowly, One at a time.

Your wants, they bury. My wants, they die. You before me. Fading fast.

I tell myself I'm just being selfish. I tell myself that it's all in my head. That it's not his fault that he's the way he is. He's busy. He's overwhelmed. He's tired.

...even in the midst of my suffering, I defend him.

How many more times can I keep making excuses to try and write off my pain? How long can a friendship like this be sustained?

I'm trying. So. Fucking. Hard. I message him daily with care, love, affection. He replies like he's fulfilling an obligation out of duty. His efforts are dwindling. His affection, dying.

Mine is too...it's painful... I mean, what's the point? Who am I to him? The friend who stayed. The one who saved him. The one who never gave up on him even when I saw him at his lowest.

The one who, when things were quiet and her heart was breaking, wanted DEATH to ease the pain in her heart. Yes. There were days I contemplated how I could end my life to stop my heart from aching.

All for a person who just...doesn't get it. Doesn't understand that you can't say you want to keep someone close to you, that you love them and they are their best friend... then ignore them. Make promises and then not keep them.

I tell myself that's not what he means to do. But it still keeps happening when he knows he shouldn't do it. IT KEEPS HAPPENING.

I always knew this friendship would be lopsided and unbalanced, but there's only so much I can take. There's only so many things I can say to excuse the pain before it consumes me. It's already breaking me.

Sunday will be hard. I'll go see his show, of course, and support all my friends in it. But...I don't know if I'll see him after. It's not that I don't want to. I DO want to.

It would be selfish of me not to.

I'm just guarded right now, and I'm not sure he is as excited about seeing me as I am to see him. It's selfish, but I feel like my desires and wants are being buried by his.

I get it. He's busy. He's been on a good path to getting out, and the last thing he needs is for some selfish friend to get in the way. He doesn't have the energy to focus on his out and on his friends at the same time.

I've always known this; the pattern has always been there. So the events in motion are just another excuse.

It's not that he doesn't keep me in the loop on things; he does message me at least once a day, which I am grateful for. But we hardly talk as friends anymore. And any mention of love, of any kind, is all but gone.

I thought he cared... I think he's pushing me back.

Okay... I feel like this is some twisted way to get me to not love him anymore...because it's working in the worst way. It's like a wet blanket used to put out a fire. The fire is out, but the damage remains.

The pain, hurt, the feeling of being used. Numbness. An ache. Almost irreversible damage due to the number of times I've been let down by him.

And I know it will keep happening if I stay.

And of course...of course I'll stay. Painful or not, of course I want to stay.

Mein Lachen durchdringt die Dunkelheit, während deine Fingerspitzen über meine Haut tanzen. Unschuldig, stimmungshebend. Du lächelst, du lachst mit mir, wenn du mich so voller Freude siehst.

Immer intensiver gleiten deine Hände über meinen Körper, wohin sie auch reichen können. Mein Körper, der deine Berührungen genießt, weicht nicht zurück, sondern lehnt sich dir entgegen. Ich habe mich lange nach einer Nacht wie dieser gesehnt.

Ich halte den Atem an, du blickst mir in die Augen. Wir sagen kein Wort, und doch wissen wir Bescheid. Noch bevor der Moment zu lange währt, beginnst du von Neuem. Mein Lachen flammt erneut auf.

Nach und nach lässt deine Intensität nach. Deine hastigen Bewegungen werden zu sanften Liebkosungen. Ich komme wieder zu Atem und lehne mich in deine Arme. Ich genieße die Wärme deiner Umarmung. Deine Zärtlichkeit.

This day is joyful and sad for me. I love my children, all three of them. Two earthly, one heavenly.

All three loved so much.

Tyler is finally one step closer to freedom.

He will find housing in the next couple of months to get out of that damned hell hole. Hooray!!!

Thank you, God...I look forward to the moving day. I will be there.

It's been a mixed day overall. I got to worship and sing with some of my friends. There were tears, some grief. A lot of reflection. But a lot of goodness too. Like Tyler's big news.

He posted about separating from his family on Facebook, and that got his aunt's attention.

Lots of people are rallying around Tyler. A lot of the comments seem generic, but I know they mean well. He has a family, a theater family, and we are all here for him.

They are starting to see the Tyler I see.

Tyler sees it and is so grateful.

May he make room for all of them. May he bask in that love in a healthy way. Let him feel the love of many.

He is still keeping me close, telling me the news first as it happens. That means a lot to me, truly...he is making me first in his own way, loving in his way.

Others will follow, and I love that for him. This is what I have always wanted for him. To be loved and accepted. To have so many cheering him on and loving him.

That's the way it should be. He has found his people.

As that group grows, I can start to step back so he can make room for them. Our friendship can be normal: occasional conversation, no pressure. No daily commitments that are difficult. He can rotate me in and out, if he wishes to.

I'll still show up, but I'm ready. I won't be selfish anymore. No more asking, no more saying anything.

He can believe that things are okay because they are...they must. Priority is optional.

Yes, of course I want to speak to him on a daily basis. Yes, I want to remain close. But I know others will need him more, and I will cherish the time he gives me.

Angel on the watch. Thank you, God, for blessing him with so many people who care for and love him. Thank you for letting me be one of them.

Let me step back with grace and contentment and let others in, just as I have always wanted for him. You used me, and now my work is stilled, on standby to be used again.