So in an effort to focus on myself and be more proactive in the game of self fulfillment, I’ve been making an effort to go to the gym as often as I can. I can start this off by saying that this will not be the typical body positivity post as it would appear (and although that is important), I felt the need to write about this. So for a month or two I had been going after work, on the weekends when I had spare time to walk to the one 15 mins away from my apartment until recently I upgraded my membership to let me go to all locations. As there is a location right outside of my office in Midtown, last week I made the first attempt at going before work. 

I will say that in the past few months of wrestling with the gym as a space, I still feel quite uncomfortable in them. Masculinity is so fragile and it makes me sick how narcissistic most men are in the weights section, but I’m beyond conscious of who is looking at me performing whatever I am. This gym anxiety will definitely subside and I think that myself, of all people, should calm down and realize that others have it much worse. After all, a huge problem with our society is rooted in obesity and people who refuse to go to the gym because of said anxiety. With all this said, I’ve managed to become comfortable with my workout and with the help of some friends. I feel like I can walk into a gym and hold my own, until Monday. 

On Monday when I went to the gym before work for the first time, it dawned on me that I would actually have to shower there before work. As I approached the locker room, a space I had never fully utilized before, my emotions ran wild with a frenzy of panicked nostalgia. I stood staring at my combination lock, thrusted back into the reality that was high school. I used to take my clothes to the bathroom stalls and change in there instead of out in the open with everyone else. I used to put my uniform shirt on over my gym shirt and then wiggle out of it from underneath. I used to wait until everyone had left the room until I began to undress, all because I was so uncomfortable with who I was.  9 years have passed since I lived those moments yet I still felt that absolute terror that I did back when I was 13.

It’s been approximately 6 months since my last post upon getting sad gazes and disappointed stares when presenting my thesis proposal, and boy have things changed for me. To begin, presented my thesis (now available to be viewed at here) which went over amazingly despite all reservations. I’ve never felt more prepared and well-researched in my life than I did when explaining to herds of people that spatial designers should now be designing for iPhone screens and shared user experiences! That was March 17th, then I boarded a plane on the 19th and landed back in New York City working full-time as an Art Director at McCann. Today, 6/8, marks almost three months of living here and I wouldn't have it any other way. I’ve already had a decent handful of ups, downs, and late nights working on projects, but ultimately I’ve learned more about myself and about the kind of people that thrive in this city. 

that i am completely and totally dependent on other people- that i can barely be alone and when i am i just sit like i am right now, thinking about how great things were before i was alone.