what's zaddy?

She whimpered softly, her heart breaking as she witnessed her father in this state. “I thought…” Hero walked over to him, sitting down on the bed and taking his hand. Her eyes were tearing up as she looked at him. She reached with her free hand to touch his face, brushing some of his hair away as tears began to fall. “You’re in the hospital due to a heart attack and you’re asking if I’m okay?” she laughed weakly, shaking her head. “That’s such a dad move. How dare you.” But it was hard to joke with him. He almost died. She almost lost him and she hates that. She knew that she was initially cold to him at first once she learned the truth and probably didn’t deserve to be this upset. But… he is her father. She’s literally a half of him. She just got him in her life and now… “I can’t lose you,” she whispered, her voice cracking. “I-I just got you in my life. I finally learned about you, about us. I can’t lose you when I finally got you, dad.”

“What can I say? The dad instincts come natural to me. It’s a shame I didn’t get to use them until now,” he said with a sleepy smile, trying his best to keep the atmosphere between the two of them as light as he could. Of course, he also knew that wasn’t fully possible. He knew that he had come quite close to dying, even having to be revived during the heart attack. Those were the details he didn’t want Hero to know. The doctors said he was lucky to be alive, and looking at the face of his daughter, he knew that was the truth. God, she looked so much like his mom. Small, but powerful. “Hey, I’m not going anywhere anytime to soon. I love you, Hero. You’re my daughter and no matter what Sabrina thinks, I’ll be the best father I can be to you,” he said with a soft smile. “I quit drugs. I promise you I’m not that guy anymore, Hero. This heart attack was completely... not drug related, I swear.” Although he knew Hero likely wouldn’t care either way, he still felt the need to let her know. He so desperately wanted Hero to forgive him for his past and move on with him in her life.

his touch was familiar, skin calloused and rough and still comforting as usual. how was it that james was in the hospital bed and yet he was still the one holding her together. mer’s free hand pushed a fallen tear off her cheekbone, lips unable to stop themselves from quivering into a small smile. was it strange to be relieved in a time like this? relieved that it wasn’t worse than this? “please don’t apologize,” meredith breathed out quietly, carefully leaning closer and planting kind kisses into the skin of his wrist. it wasn’t his fault she had been there, but thank god she was. 

“don’t blame yourself. just try and rest. i’m sure they’ve got you hooked up to something that can help with that.” she tried to lighten the tension in the small hospital room, wrinkling her nose while a tiny laugh cracked in her throat and her hand clung to his. if it was up her, she’d pull herself onto the bed with him.  “i’m not going anywhere, i promise james.”

James felt a little helpless as he laid there in the hospital bed, wanting nothing more than to be the strong man he always acted like he was. Unfortunately, being so close to dying, James finally realized he wasn’t invincible. As he felt her perfect lips landing on his wrist, he gave her a weak smile. God, how awful it would be if he didn’t get to feel those lips ever again. As hard as he tried to escape his feelings through casual sex, Meredith was always the one that he fell asleep thinking about. Her addiction was clearly still present, and James wanted to desperately to save her. Yet, he was her age once, and the only thing constant in his life during that time was the drugs. Could she ever get sober and commit to him? He didn’t know if it were a possibility, but he wanted it more than he wanted anything else. The idea of having a future with her filled him with joy, but it wasn’t ever going to be that simple for them -- James knew that.

Stell: Hey! I've been....better.

Stell: Hbu?

James: what's going on?

James: I've been better as well.

James: hey stell

James wiped away the sweat on his forehead and stepped away from the vehicle, walking towards the tool counter when he suddenly felt even more weak. “Fuck,” he groaned, falling back against the car behind him and slowly lowering himself to the ground. Maybe if he sat down for a second, he’d be able to recover quicker. One thing was for certain, he shouldn’t be at work with whatever was going on with him.  A numbness fell over his arms and his chest tightened, causing extreme pain that he hadn’t quite experienced before. Within a minute, he felt short of breath and immediately knew something was wrong. Unfortunately, his phone was on the tool counter and he was unable to move. Paralyzed with fear, James tried to calm himself down as best as he could, but the pain only got more extreme and the anxiety of the situation was setting in.

It didn’t take much longer for the inevitable to occur. James vision began to tunnel in as the symptoms came to a peak, and he couldn’t help but whimper out a last “Help!” Suddenly, James fell back into unconsciousness, still leaned up against the car. Blackness. 

She shut her eyes tightly as he began to defend her father, shaking her head. “Please… please, please, please don’t tell that. Don’t tell me he-… w-wait, what?” It took a moment for Hero to catch and register his words. She turned her head sharply to look at him. If this was a joke, this was a very, very horrible time to do so. Yet as she looked at him, as she listened to him, she started to believe that it just might not be. She was starting to believe that… that maybe… just maybe… he was telling her the truth. That he was her father. Finally as she sat there and looked at him, really looked at him, she could see the similarities. She thought back to noticing his nervous tendencies and realizing she shared the same habits. She thought back to being at the bookstore and then the talent show and now about how easy it was to talk to him. How despite so many others in her life, James Mason had been one of the very few people she’d been able to talk with and not feel so awkward. She realized that she’d been able to tell him without too much of a hesitation that she’s trans. Suddenly things made a little bit more sense- until, she caught onto his last few words. “Two months?!” she squeaked out, pulling her hand away from him. She stood up from the bench to stare down at him, stumbling slightly yet not caring. The bookstore… That had been months ago. “You’ve known about me for two months?!” Hero was shaking as she cried harder. “You’ve known about me since the day you met me and… and you’re just now telling me? You knew when we talked at the talent show? You’ve known for months and now you’re… Why? Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Why now? You can’t say that you wish you could’ve been there for me growing up just to have spent the last two months knowing about me yet not telling me!”

James wanted nothing more than to be high or dead the longer he had to look at his child cry over him and his horrible past. He was sober now, and instead of being proud of himself, he had to look at himself with shame. Twenty-something year old James didn’t have much of a heart. The PTSD he suffered as a ten year old followed him into his adult hood and made drugs the easy escape. For years, he blamed Sabrina for leaving him. Yet, looking back, he knew he would’ve done the same if he was in her position. Nothing could take away how angry he was that she didn’t tell him about Hero. Maybe he would’ve sobered up if he knew he had a child on the way. Just maybe. “Hero.. I’m not saying what I did was right.” He started to say, attempting to pull himself together and be strong for her, but the lump in his throat wouldn’t go away and the tears fell when they wanted to -- he had no control over his emotions. “Your mom... she... God, she threatened to make my life hell if I had anything to do with you. I.. I’m not trying to turn you against your mother because somewhere deep inside me, I’ll always love her. I just... fuck. What can I even say? When I found out, I got scared. You seemed so happy with your family life. I didn’t know if there would be room for me too.” James took a deep shaky breath as she pulled away from him, but he needed her to hear all of what he said. He hoped she’d stay and hear him out, because he didn’t know if he would recover from losing her without giving it a proper try. “When you were conceived I was a drug addict and parts of me were cruel sometimes. Yes, I chose drugs over your mom. It was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. If you let me into your life, I wouldn’t make that same mistake twice. All I’ve ever wanted in this world is a family.”

“But it’s my home!” she tried to argue. “I’ve spent my whole life here. There has only been one instance in which I felt unsafe but things worked out in the end. Nothing bad is going to happen to me and I just need her to realize that. If she truly thought I needed a bodyguard, she would have given me one years ago. Not now.” She hated this. She hated currently being in a disagreement with Sabrina. Her mother has been her best friend her whole life and this hurts. This hurts so much. She doesn’t think she can trust her anymore. Her bottom lip quivered as she looked at her water bottle. “How can I when everything I know is a lie? Everything’s changing and I hate it. I can’t keep track and I just want to scream. I want to scream at her, I want to scream at him- god, especially him.” Hero’s eyes were tearing up and she couldn’t look at the man. She tensed up slightly at his words. For a moment, she questioned how he even knew in the first place. But her tipsy mind didn’t ask him that. “Marcus Astaire isn’t my biological father,” she admitted in a whisper. They were alone and she was speaking softly; Nobody would be able to hear them. The brunette’s body was shaking as tears fell down her face. “He’s not my father. My… My biological father was a junkie. My mom said that he was cruel, that all he loved was getting high. She… She said that he was angry when she told him about him. He wanted her to give me up and…” A whimper left her voice, accidentally dropping her drink to the ground as she shut her eyes tightly. “Why does my dad hate me? Why did he hate me before he even got to know me? What did I do wrong? He hates me and I want to know why,” she whimpered as she wrapped her arms around herself; Not realizing that she was talking to her father. “I never should’ve been born.”

“It’s not fair to you. I’m really sorry you’re going through this,” is all he could say in that moment. He wanted so desperately to be her dad and to be there for her through this new information, but as the words left her mouth, James didn’t know if she’d ever want a relationship with him. Cruel. Junkie. Why does my dad hate me? Suddenly, James began to have flashbacks of the first time he did drugs, followed by how he treated the woman he loved, and the life he threw away. A lump formed in his throat and it was taking every ounce of strength not to break down. He wasn’t sure he would last much longer, especially as she spoke of him and began to blame herself. James wanted nothing more than to be six feet underground in those moments, wishing he could take back years of his fucked up behavior. Maybe he’d get to raise Hero and have the family he always desired. Unfortunately, his life wasn’t a movie and there was no going back now. “Hero, please..” he began to say, finally allowing himself to release some of the pain the words were causing him. James began to cry, and responded by burying his face behind his hands. “Your dad doesn’t hate you. He could never hate you, Hero. If I knew about you, I would’ve... I would’ve stopped the drugs years ago.” He said, trying his best to maintain eye contact with her, but feeling his heart break seeing her tears. Knowing she was probably confused, James scooted closer to her and put a hand gently on hers. “Hero, your mom and I were in love over twenty years ago. I fell in love with drugs because I couldn’t handle my shit. I didn’t even know she was pregnant with my child. I would’ve been there for you. Fuck, I would’ve been the dad that you deserve.” His voice shook as he spoke. “I’m your dad. Your biological dad, Hero. I... your mother told me when we ran into each other at the bookstore. I’m so sorry.”

The shorter brunette scoffed slightly. Annoyance and anger were quick to show on her face. But… and as much as she wishes it didn’t… so did hurt. “She said that it was for extra protection; That Dayton was getting more and more reckless. Honestly, that could be bullshit as well. Everything from that bitch has turned out to be a lie; Why not this as well?” Realizing how intense that sounded, she sighed and shook her head. She didn’t want to scare off the man. “I’m sorry,” she muttered, taking a swig out of her water bottle. God, it tastes so gross. But she really can’t be sober right now. “I keep trying to think that she means well and has her best intentions for me. But… it’s hard, you know? Things are crazy lately and I feel like I’m gonna lose my mind.” Pressing her lips together, she looked over at James before asking: “Have you ever spent your whole life thinking one thing… but to have the rug be pulled out from under your feet? And to find out that everything you knew was wrong?” Smiling softly at James, Hero laughed before giving him a small salute. “You got it, dad,” she joked, reminiscent of when she said the same thing when they first met. But it felt weird this time, considering everything lately. “Sorry,” she laughed awkwardly, shaking her head. “I shouldn’t call you that, even as a joke. I’m sure your kids wouldn’t like hearing someone else call you that. That was weird, I’m sorry.”

“Dayton is a sketchy place, but I don’t think anyone wants to hurt you. Maybe just badly influence you,” he remarked, trying to keep the topic a little on the light side. Yet, he knew that was impossible given the context and how the young woman was acting. He could see the pain on her face and he so badly wanted to carry that pain for her, but knew he couldn’t. “Don’t be sorry, Hero. You have every right to be upset if you feel like your mother isn’t being fair to you with her decisions. You’re an adult now, after all.” At her next words, he felt his heard speed up – panic beginning to set in. Did she know about the dad situation? How could she? He was sure Sabrina would take it to her grave before letting Hero know Marcus wasn’t her biological father. “I feel that way a lot. Recently, actually.” He remarked. “Sometimes you kinda just have to make the best of things, even the really shitty things. It might end up being a blessing in disguise.” Although his words were vague, they carried so much meaning that was hidden to Hero right now. When she called him dad, he took a deep shaky breath and turned away from her, the upset on his face rather obvious. “Hero,” he started to say, his leg bouncing anxiously, air feeling like it was being robbed from his lungs.  “Did you find out something about your dad?”

valerie nodded he hadn’t really expected to get much empathy for her broken heel. she looked down at it and lifted her foot up to him. “do you think you could break the other one off for me? god i know that is probably the weirdest fucking question..” she admitted. the girl moved down the bitch and adjusted her short dress as she pulled her long legs up the bench. she placed both legs up on his knee slightly bent. “well this feels a little like being at the doctors office.” the redhead teased as she looked over at him. “you don’t mind do you?” she asked flashing a small smile.

James wasn’t expecting much more too come of the passing conversation, but needless to say, he was surprised by her next actions. He nodded his head at her question. “Yeah, sure. I’m a guy, so I guess I’m pretty good at breaking things.” He remarked with a smirk, eyes immediately catching sight of the girl as she moved her legs towards him. His dark eyes traveled from her legs upwards, a look of surprise when he noticed she was exposed underneath her dress.  In an attempt not to be a total creep, James shook his head and pretended not to see anything, despite the lust flowing through him in those moments. God, James, she’s your daughter’s age. Get it together. “It’s no biggie. I’m James, by the way.” He introduced himself, grabbing ahold of her heel and attempting to keep his eyes on her face, every once in a while catching himself looking downwards and immediately scolding himself. Within a few moments, James used his tactful hands to snap the heel off, doing his damndest not to allow himself to look at the girl sexually. 

She wasn’t sure why she was so interested in the man. Yet ever since she met him at the bookstore, she couldn’t help but to wonder about him. He was one of the few people she’d been able to talk to without feeling nervous or awkward the first time they met. Which, knowing her, was quite a strange thing. “I hope everything went well.” Letting out a humorless laugh, she shook her head. “Worse- my bodyguard. Honestly, I don’t understand why I even need one; I’ve spent my whole life alternating between Dayton and Los Angeles yet never needed one until now, for some reason. It’s weird.” She remembered the day she first met Leo and her mom explaining to her why he was now suppose to protect her. It sounded like a bunch of bullshit, really. However, everything from Sabrina was bullshit, as Hero finally learned. Fidgeting slightly, she grabbed her water bottle (which was filled with rum and Coke instead of water) from her bag and crinkled her nose as she drank. She didn’t want to get drunk in front of the man but thinking about her mom again made her want to start early. “Can you believe we’re almost in 2020? Last week, it felt like we were in March still or something.”

James could immediately tell that the topic of her bodyguard was a sore subject for her. In fact, he himself, felt uneasy by the prospect of Hero having a bodyguard. He could only assume Sabrina hired a bodyguard to keeps James away, and he wouldn't be surprised at all. “That is weird. ” he agreed, trying to contain the annoyance that was building in him the more he thought about how Sabrina was acting since he found out about Hero being his daughter. “Did she give you a reasoning? She had to have a good reason, right?” He asked, curious as to what Sabrina was feeding to Hero. James could smell the alcohol from the bottle, but he kept that to himself for now. He didn’t wanna father her away too soon. Besides, he had to grasp that his daughter was now an adult somehow. Although, it killed him that he wasn’t there to hold her as a baby. “It’s hard to believe it. Time only goes by faster as you get older, hon. It feels like yesterday I was just your age. Live it on up while you can, but also eat lots of vegetables and avoid the bad habits. You don’t wanna look like me when you’re older.” He teased. 

He was right, a lot of people probably wouldn’t get it. Especially not here. Hell, it felt like Meredith was probably the only one wondering where James went for his time away. It had pained her, truthfully, to not know if he was coming back to her. And with no word? See his smile now was bittersweet. James was a weathered handsome that Mer appreciated and adored, his smile always sending her into rocky waters. She was sure she felt for him - how could she not when his absence had sent her into a spiral? How was it that when attention was placed upon her, Meredith wished it gone but as soon as she was lonely she craved it? Meredith took the opportunity to lean into James a little, much like she always did when they were together. Admitting that he grounded her would force herself into self reflection, something she had been avoiding. “It is important,” the brunette countered, taking a deep breath and turning her face into his shoulder. “I’m sorry.” Instead of getting defensive over her feelings, she aimed to be as vulnerable as James had been. “I’m so sorry I didn’t give you the response you deserve. -I’m just tired. I’ve worked myself to the ground over the summer. I’m tired and I guess, yeah. Sad is a good word for it.” Meredith lifted her head to look at him again, her jaw tight in a clutched expression but as soon as his compliment pulsed through her the tension seemed to slip away. “Thank you, James. It’s nice having you back.”

A part of James wanted to get up and leave Dayton for good. Finding out he had a daughter he was forbidden to see, the girl he was beginning to love not returning his words, and watching his father die all put a sour taste for the town in his mouth. However, he couldn’t let go of it. Or Meredith. A part of him hoped that now that he was sober he’d be more clear headed and the feelings he had for Meredith would dissipate, but that wasn’t the case. Although the two were addicts together, he loved her even when he was sober. It absolutely killed him to see her face sunken in and her tired eyes, especially because she appeared to miss him more than he thought she would. As she rested her head on his shoulder, James moved to wrap his arm around her and pull her closer to him, his eyes gazing down at her lovingly.  “Don’t be. You don’t owe me anything, Mer. I just had to say how I felt. I hope it didn’t turn you off of me too bad,” he said with a soft smile. Hearing that she was tired and sad was hard for him because he wanted so desperately to see her happy and thriving. “Is there anything I can do to help you out? You know I’m a good listener, right? And my door is always open for you,” he promised her, squeezing her ever so slightly for a moment. “It’s nice to be back! I feel a lot better physically, and I’m working on the emotional stuff. It.. hasn’t been easy.”